A burden for women

I was that lost cause

I was the outcast

You died for sinners just like me

A grateful leper at Your feet

You are good

You are good

And Your love endures forever

You are good

You are good

And Your love endures forever

I love the lyrics to "Jesus Friend of Sinners," but I have to say that the last part is my favorite.  Hands down my favorite; lyrics I can relate to.

I've told you before that I have a heart for broken marriages.  Even more so, I am realizing that I have a very heavy heart for wounded, broken women.  Women, who like me, are afraid to let God in.  Who are afraid to let their walls down.  God keeps putting people in my path.  He's been doing it since February, since before I even discovered the truth and the beauty of the Cross.  For some reason, I knew it was important to tell my story.  To tell other women what I had done.  God kept putting me in situations where I would be one on one with another woman, and I would tell her what I had done.

At the time, I was still afraid of letting God in.  I would tell these broken, hurting women my story and tell them that I just wasn't sure how to let God in.  Wasn't sure if there was any hope left for me, where God was concerned.  But I was still sharing my story, opening up, sometimes to people I had never met before or barely knew.  It's like there was something in me that knew it was important to share my story.  And I couldn't believe how many women were placed right in front of me.

And now, AFTER Good Friday, it's even more apparent to me that there are a LOT of broken, hurting women that aren't sure that God can truly love them (OR FORGIVE THEM!).  That believe in God.  That go to church and sing the songs, read the main verses.  But they don't really understand the Cross.  Like the old me.  They are carrying around this heavy burden of guilt and shame.  And God wants to use my story to help them.  I wish just sharing my story was enough.  I wish that women could read what I am writing and magically just know.  Magically just understand.  I do believe that God can work through this writing and that the majority of the time, His hand is in this.  But there isn't always an easy fix.  The answer isn't always just in these words on the internet.

So my heart is heavy.  For a few women in my life who so desperately need to understand how big God's love is for them.  And for all the other women out there, that I haven't met yet. That need to hear my story, and stories like mine.  Stories of extreme brokenness, and healing, and redemption.

I was talking with a friend tonight about anxiety and how sometimes she might feel anxious before sharing her story with others.  I was marveling at the difference.  I have no anxiety before sharing my story with other women one on one, because I don't think about who I am going to tell my story to.  It seems that God just keeps putting me in these positions where the story just comes out.  It isn't premeditated.  It just happens.  And I am grateful for these opportunities.  I really am.  But I just sit back, after the fact, and marvel at conversations I have had.  And I'm like "God, what the heck?"  Or "Where did THAT come from?"  But I just smile and thank God for using me.  And I pray.  I pray for these women.  I pray that they will understand the Cross.  Really understand.  Let their walls down and meet Jesus at the foot of the Cross.  Allow themselves to be vulnerable and honest with themselves.  To stop giving into Satan's lies.  To stop believing them.

Here's the truth.  Satan is lying to some of you.  He's whispering lies.  Like "You're not good enough."  Or "God could never love you.  Not after everything you've done."  Or "You have to keep punishing yourself for what you've done if no one else will."

But that's not what God is saying.

God is saying this:

"I love you."

"You're good enough."

"I took your punishment when I died on that Cross.  I did that for yes, even YOU."

"You are worthy."

"You are my beloved."

"You are not alone."

Music That Moves Me - Week 9

I know I've posted this first song before, but it needs to be posted again.  Partly because it is one of the best songs out there right now.  Partly because tonight, I have an agenda.  It's debatable on whether or not this is Jamie's agenda or God's.  I really feel like it's God moving me, so we will see where this winds up!  I love writing that way.  Just writing and letting God guide me.  It reminds me of that verse in Proverbs 16:9; honestly this is how I approach writing.  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  I have an idea or a plan that I want to write about and as I start to write, God starts shaping it into what He wants it to be.

He does the same thing when Kris preaches.  Kris will have his outline, but then when he gets up there to preach, as long as He is focused on God, God takes over and you can really hear God speaking THROUGH him.  I hope that is what happens through this blog.  Because it isn't supposed to be about Jamie.  It's supposed to be about God.  Tony mentioned tonight "Audience of One" and that's what I want this blog to be.  Do I want others to be touched and comforted and moved to action by this blog?  Sure.  But not because of me.  Because of God.  Ultimately, this is my journey with God and I will trust Him to do whatever He thinks is best.

All that to say, Thank GOD we don't have to hide scars!! His are covering OURS!  And be patient...there are some spelling/grammatical errors.  Look past them and hear what God wants to say to you.

I think that this song sets up perfectly the next song.  Though, you know me.  It will likely be a lengthy introduction to the song.  I met someone tonight.  A lady that from the start was dear to my heart.  I can't even explain it.  As soon as she walked in the door, I wanted to know her.  I wanted to connect with her.  And because I can't quite explain it, I'm convinced it was totally a God thing.  And I know, from the outcome a couple of hours later that it completely WAS a God thing.  And I am so extremely thrilled that God allowed me to be a part of it.

Some of you know that I made this bracelet recently.  

I wear it most days.  A few people have commented on it and I've shared how "My Chains Are Gone" and my purpose for making the bracelet.  It's been so easy to talk to people about what God has been doing in my life and this bracelet has been a conversation starter on several different occasions.  For those not familiar with my reason for making this bracelet, I'll explain it.

The Cross represents what Jesus did for everyone.  And...even moreso, understanding and BELIEVING what He did FOR ME.  That I could finally, once and for all, lay my guilt and shame at the foot of the Cross.  I could finally be free from what had weighed me down so long.  I could trade my ashes in for beauty, and truly wear forgiveness like a crown.

The handcuffs that say "Freedom" symbolize, well, FREEDOM!  Freedom from sin. Freedom from guilt and shame.  Freedom from the hold Satan had in my life for so many years.  And the Swarovski crystal at the bottom, it is a reminder of the blood that Jesus shed for me, that purchased my freedom.

And my favorite?  The "hope" charm.  For so many years I lived in defeat.  I prayed so long for things to change.  I HOPED that my marriage would change.  That Kris would change.  That I could get out of the unhealthy relationship I was in.  And then, somewhere along the line, when God didn't answer my prayers, and Kris didn't overcome, and I found that I WANTED to stay in my bad relationship with someone that didn't belong to me, I gave up.  It was the last thing I had held on to.  Hope was all I had left.  And then, suddenly, it was gone.  I was a hopeless fool, living a life I hated.  Living without hope is debilitating.  Without hope, there is nothing left.  As long as there is a shred of hope left, we can still press on.  We can usually pick ourselves up and keep going.  But what do you do when all hope is gone?  When you've given up hope?  Sometimes I think that maybe the answer is different for everyone.

For me, God had to pull me up.  God had to grab me and move me.  Because I wasn't willing.  I wasn't ready.  I wanted to keep punishing myself.  I wanted to hold on to my guilt and shame, because I simply could not understand that my punishment had already been nailed to the Cross.  I felt like I deserved to be punished.  Since God wasn't doing it, and Kris wasn't doing it, I just knew that I had to.  I didn't have that hope anymore.  But God had other plans for me.  He really showed me how to have hope again.  Now everything is different.  I have hope and it is one of the most amazing things to have in my life again.

All of that to bring us to a song I heard tonight on the way home from Stories.  And I just knew that God wanted me to share this song.  It brought me a great deal of comfort.  And if this woman that I met tonight could really feel the truth in this song, it would be such a blessing.  My heart aches for this!  I can't describe it.

I want to share one more thing before I show you the song.  Tonight I was wearing the "My Chains Are Gone" bracelet.  There was a moment tonight when I heard God very clearly say "Take your bracelet off."  I obeyed, unclasping it from my wrist.  Then God said "When the time is right, give it to that woman."  As God orchestrates all things, we left at the same time.  So I was given an opportunity to give her my bracelet.  I explained to her why I had made it and what it meant to me.  My hands were shaking as I put the bracelet on her wrist.  I've NEVER done anything like this before.  I've talked to people about my bracelet.  And my story.  But this was the first time that I really felt like the bracelet was no longer mine.  I KNEW I had to share not just my story, but the reminder I have of my story.  And so I did.

It was such an amazing experience.  I had never met this woman before tonight.  But I know that God wanted this to happen.  It was no coincidence.  THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES.   And I hope and pray that I will meet her again.  I really love being a part of what God is doing here in my life and how He is using my story.

So...now that I've explained all of that, I'll share the song I know God orchestrated for me to hear tonight on the drive home.  It's called "You Can Have Me", by the Sidewalk Prophets.

And I wasn't originally planning to add this one, but I feel it is necessary.  For all of you who feel like you aren't strong enough, and that you can't do it alone; for you who are hurting and at the end of your rope, all hope gone, God can carry you to the Cross.  Will you let Him?  Surrender.  Surrender the temptation.  The pain,  The hurt.  The guilt and the shame.  Surrender yours fears and let God carry you to the Cross.  He doesn't always expect us to get up and get here on our own.  Sometimes, He carries us.  And I think He is OK with that.  The point is, we just have to get to the Cross.  One way or another!

Where are you at?  Can you pick yourself up and run to the foot of the Cross, or are you feeling hopeless and alone?  You are NOT alone.  If you literally cannot pick yourself up and get to the Cross, cry out to Jesus (another great song!).  God can carry you to the Cross.

Surrender.

Stop fighting.

Let God take you to the Cross, and you can lay your fear and your guilt and your shame down there.  He is big enough to take it all.  And to quote my favorite kids' cartoon Veggie Tales, "God made you special, and He loves you very much!"  Such a simple saying, and yet so profoundly true!!