I have started 10 different blog posts, some dating back to Christmas; but it's now February 8th, and I'm not even going to get to any of them tonight. There is something more pressing on my heart right now. So everything else will have to wait.
Something happened today that took me back to a place of overwhelming fear. I've written several posts about fear and how our counselor and church was involved in a "D.I.A." (Do It Again) surrounding my fear. Since that night, God has broken the spirit of fear that had surrounded my life for thirty years!!
Today, however, was a true test in trusting God for me, when fear overwhelmed me.
I was on the phone with Kris this afternoon, when he asked me to hold on. He had a text from Katherine (who was already home from school). This text let Kris know that she heard on the bus that the elementary school that Abbey, Livvy, and Kaleb go to was on lock down.
Wait.
What?!?
LOCK DOWN?
Kris and I said goodbye. We hung up and I immediately called the school, while Kris sought out more information from Katherine. The school was vague, which didn't surprise me. All she would say was that a student from the high school (located on the same property) was being sought by police, and no one was entering or exiting the school.
I called Kris back and let him know what was going on, and he could tell I was upset. He prayed with me, as I sat in the break room crying. I went back to my desk and tried to hold it together. My hands were shaking terribly, my heart was racing, and the anxiety was causing physical turmoil in my chest and stomach.
In the past, I would have started playing the "what if" game, and it wouldn't have stopped until all three of my children were killed in their classrooms, and I was a devastated mother, burying her three youngest babies. Laugh. Don't laugh. This is seriously how my mind would have played it all through.
In the past.
Fear would have buried me alive and I would have had a complete meltdown on the spot.
Not anymore.
God is gracious, and amazing, and faithful!
Instead of letting fear consume me, I prayed fervently that every child and teacher in that school would be safe. I put my heart and soul into that prayer, and surrendered my fear to God. My physical symptoms remained (for almost three hours), but I felt a sort of peace about me. Even though I worried that an armed high school student was in my kids' school, and even though I was afraid for their safety, I trusted God. I surrendered my fear and the lives of my children to God.
Shortly after 4pm, I received a recorded message that indicated the school had been put on lock down, following proper procedure due to a threat involving a high school student, and that the students would be home 15-20 minutes later than usual-implying the lock down was over. Kris and I immediately started communicating via chat, and I began praising God that my children were on their way home. Katherine sent me a chat shortly after and let me know the other kids were safely home; emotions still flooding through me, I took a minute to go out to my van and sob. I put my head in my hands and weeping, thanked God that the kids were safe, just as fervently as I had prayed earlier for that safety. While I was doing this, of course I had JoyFM on, and the song "Already There" by Casting Crowns was almost over.
I kept hearing the words "You're already there, You're already there..." And I just got to thinking about how God was with my children while the school was locked down. God was with me and the other parents as we worried, not really knowing what was going on at the school. What struck me in that moment was this:
God wasn't just there while we all worried. He was ALREADY there! He had been there the whole time. It was such a blessing to me and soothed my heart and mind. Our God is so much bigger than anything we face, and I recognized that I had taken an extremely fearful moment, and surrendered it to God. And I was able to do that because since BEFORE Good Friday, God has proven over and over again that He was and is ALREADY there.
Something happened today that took me back to a place of overwhelming fear. I've written several posts about fear and how our counselor and church was involved in a "D.I.A." (Do It Again) surrounding my fear. Since that night, God has broken the spirit of fear that had surrounded my life for thirty years!!
Today, however, was a true test in trusting God for me, when fear overwhelmed me.
I was on the phone with Kris this afternoon, when he asked me to hold on. He had a text from Katherine (who was already home from school). This text let Kris know that she heard on the bus that the elementary school that Abbey, Livvy, and Kaleb go to was on lock down.
Wait.
What?!?
LOCK DOWN?
Kris and I said goodbye. We hung up and I immediately called the school, while Kris sought out more information from Katherine. The school was vague, which didn't surprise me. All she would say was that a student from the high school (located on the same property) was being sought by police, and no one was entering or exiting the school.
I called Kris back and let him know what was going on, and he could tell I was upset. He prayed with me, as I sat in the break room crying. I went back to my desk and tried to hold it together. My hands were shaking terribly, my heart was racing, and the anxiety was causing physical turmoil in my chest and stomach.
In the past, I would have started playing the "what if" game, and it wouldn't have stopped until all three of my children were killed in their classrooms, and I was a devastated mother, burying her three youngest babies. Laugh. Don't laugh. This is seriously how my mind would have played it all through.
In the past.
Fear would have buried me alive and I would have had a complete meltdown on the spot.
Not anymore.
God is gracious, and amazing, and faithful!
Instead of letting fear consume me, I prayed fervently that every child and teacher in that school would be safe. I put my heart and soul into that prayer, and surrendered my fear to God. My physical symptoms remained (for almost three hours), but I felt a sort of peace about me. Even though I worried that an armed high school student was in my kids' school, and even though I was afraid for their safety, I trusted God. I surrendered my fear and the lives of my children to God.
I kept hearing the words "You're already there, You're already there..." And I just got to thinking about how God was with my children while the school was locked down. God was with me and the other parents as we worried, not really knowing what was going on at the school. What struck me in that moment was this:
God wasn't just there while we all worried. He was ALREADY there! He had been there the whole time. It was such a blessing to me and soothed my heart and mind. Our God is so much bigger than anything we face, and I recognized that I had taken an extremely fearful moment, and surrendered it to God. And I was able to do that because since BEFORE Good Friday, God has proven over and over again that He was and is ALREADY there.
Thanks for sharing your fears and how God brought you through today and once again helped you be victorious in His strength. MIL
ReplyDeleteThat would have been terrifying. I keep hearing stories on the news about schools having to go on lockdown due to a gun threat from all around the country. My heart goes out to all the parents who have to endure even a moment of not knowing if their child is safe. I can't keep my girls safe from all harm and I can not put them in a bubble for the rest of their lives. I do trust God to care for them, but I am put at peace knowing that I don't have to fear that right now. I am so glad that everything is alright. God is, was, and will always be in control. I am also so glad you let God carry you through instead of trying to do it on your own strength.
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