Phone Photo Fun

While Kris is cleaning up the basement (still...ugh...) I'm trying to get my girls to get the living room cleaned up.  I'm up to my ears in laundry and frustrated by kids staying up too late too many nights in a row.  So, I'm taking a little breather and doing some writing instead.  I don't promise it'll be interesting or anything.  It's just a distraction for me from...well...reality.

For those of you who read my post yesterday, as a quick update before I show you what's on my phone this week, my aunt did die this morning.  They took her off of life support and I got a text saying she had passed away.  So please continue to keep my dad's side of the family and my aunt's four children and all her grandchildren in your prayers.  Once I find out when the visitation and funeral will be, I'll be traveling back home for it.  Thanks for your prayers!

OK...here is what has appeared on my phone this week.  I actually have no clue what is one there, so this could be interesting!

Ahh yes..golf-racquetball sized hail from the storms this weekend.  I don't know if we have any roof damage.  I know that our area was not hit nearly as heavily as others.

This is a game that Kris and I bought several years ago.  We found it a couple of weeks ago and decided to take it with us...and had ourselves, as you will see next, a...

It's like speed, with letters instead of numbers and royalty!  Quite fun.  Even better because I beat Kris 85% of the time we play it.  There is another "word" card game that I like a lot called Quiddler, but I haven't been able to find it in ages.

Katherine holding tonight's dessert.  It felt so good to feel up to cooking AND of course, dessert was a HUGE hit and so delicious!!  I LOVE this Pineapple Upside Down cake!  Best recipe ever!

I like chocolate syrup.  A LOT.  A lot more than ice cream!  And I am a snob.  I will only eat HERSHEY'S brand.

Ahh, yes...this was interesting.  In case you can't read this friend request I got from some unknown foreigner, it says "I AM LOOKING FOR A GIRL TO MARRY I HAVE NI PROBLEM TO LET HER FAMILY STAY WITH US THAT WOULD BE EXCELLENT."  Um...no thanks.

Well...that was all that was on my phone from the last two weeks, since I missed one week.  I wasn't exactly out taking many pictures while I laid in bed recovering from a supposed tear in one of the discs in my neck.  Maybe I'll have something more interesting next week.

Late night blogging

I'm up to a little late night blogging tonight, primarily because I can't sleep.  I'm finally done with my 6 day dose of Prednisone and didn't take any pain medicine today except for Ibuprofen, so maybe that is a factor as well, in addition to my legs aching.  Not sure if it was the crouching on the floor spot washing it with Clorox wipes (because that's how I roll) or just achy in general but regardless, it's annoying.  I've been annoyed by everything ever since I started taking that Prednisone.  So glad to be done with it and hoping that my mood will improve.  Being in constant blinding pain didn't help either I suppose, but fortunately, that seems to be back to a tolerantly manageable level.

I don't have anything of great significance to say tonight really.  Nothing spiritually profound and sadly, doubtless anything humorous.  It's been a crazy week, starting with my neck drama and ending with a flooded, muddy basement (in addition to all the other normal "crazy").  I got really obsessive about my kitchen today and cleaned it thoroughly, including the floors, the exhaust fan, the counter doors, dishwasher, outside of refrigerator.  I don't get like this often, and normally my back can't handle it.  But I made it through, then did the same in the dining room.  I'll pay for it tomorrow (and apparently tonight) but it made me feel less guilty about Kris being down in the basement tackling THAT mess!!!  I have never been happier that we chose to lay tile down there after the last flood!  But the slimy mud all over the tile is a new and frustrating mess to deal with.  Kris is *almost* done.  Sort of.  The kids had been piling dirty laundry in the utility room for who knows how long now and so the kids and Kris have been doing laundry all day long, as all of those clothes were soaked through and muddy.  SO glad I wasn't dealing with that.  There is still more wet laundry, but Kris has forbid me to do any laundry tomorrow until the workers kids are home to switch it and bring it upstairs.  As it is, I have four baskets full of clean clothes happily smirking at me right now.  The two in my room are smirking too I am sure, but I can't see them so they don't count.

I talked to my mom today and found out that one of my aunts isn't doing very well right now.  I don't know all the details, except that she is on life support and the prognosis doesn't look good.  Prayers for the family would be appreciated.  I do know that she wound up with sepsis (infection in the blood) and then got a staph infection while in the hospital.  Now her kidneys are failing and her lungs are filling up.  God could and may still work a miracle, though she isn't responding to treatment, but prayers for peace regardless of the outcome are welcome.  Telling Kris about it sparked an interesting conversation about funerals and whose funeral I would go to and whose I wouldn't, but that is a topic for another day.

I love our new church, The Outpost.  I can't say enough good things about it!  And while Kris has *mostly* good things to say about it, he did express one thing that bothers him about it.  And it isn't the first time he has mentioned it.  Tony, are you ready for this?  It is actually extremely amusing, the way that he communicates it.  Remember how I told you I was obsessed with the Draw Something app?  Kris has twice now drawn a picture in the game to illustrate his one criticism with our new church in general.  I thought I would share that with you now.  If you know Kris, you know that he is a WINDOWS guy.  You know, as in NOT an APPLE guy.  People don't usually go both ways on the topic (he will  hate one and love the other-isn't that in the Bible somewhere?), thus we both have Android phones and NOT an iPhone.  The kids aren't "allowed" to have an iPod.   And as further proof that they are inferior, did you know that "iPhones" and "iPods" are not considered real words?  Singular yes.  Plural, no.  That's all the proof I need to support ANDROIDS, which IS a real word!  ;-)  So, his latest picture, lamenting the one thing that bothers him about our new church is as follows:

This cracks me up!  To get me to guess Macbook (which also appears not to be recognized as a real word), he drew a man behind a pulpit, with a Macbook on the pulpit and then wrote "Shame on Tony."  I thought of it again today when we were at church and I saw the little "apple" logo on the laptop on the pulpit. 

OK.  This is all you get from me at this time of day...you get what you pay for right?  And I don't remember any of you paying me.  Though for a small price, if you would like to give me a topic to write about, I'm sure I could come up with something tantalizing.  Speaking of tantalizing, I plan on trying out a few recipes I found on Pinterest this pay period.  IF they turn out, THEN I'll post them on here.  If not, you will never know.  Alright, you probably will.  There just likely will not be any pictures to go along with them!!

Have a good night everyone!

You never know the impact you will have

This is a letter, to someone who had a very profound impact on my life when I was a young teenager.  I started to just write this on his Facebook wall, but it began to get incredibly too long to be deemed a "simple" wall post.  So, I will write my thank you letter right here, and if you're reading it, you know who you are.  If you're not reading it, shame on you.  I posted the link on your wall!  ;-)

__

To a wise brother in Christ:

A long time ago, there was a teenage girl that had a pretty messed up way of thinking (about herself specifically).  She will always remember with fondness the time you spent as the intern youth minister at her church in Indiana, working with the kids and taking the time to listen and just be a friend.  She will remember your friendship and letters and how, in one of them, you asked her to "ponder" Proverbs 31:30.

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

In all the years to come, she would always think back to that verse, remember the only person who ever pointed it out to her, and eventually KNOW in her head the truth of it.  She could always understand the point, but until about a month ago, her heart didn't make the connection.  It would take her another 15+ years and a LOT of heartache to be able to say today "I finally get it."

I never understood that verse like I do now, finally, at the age of 33.  And I just wanted to say thank you.  Because I don't think that you will ever fully know the impact you had on my life while you were at Eastview, and that something you tried to help me understand so many years ago is finally being understood.

I am thankful for Facebook, for allowing me to reconnect with you, so that as I am making these new discoveries about myself and my identity, I can tell you how grateful I am that you were a part of my life, and that, while it took me a stubbornly long amount of time, the truth of that verse finally got through to me, and I know that God used you to help me on this journey to where I am today.

I will forever be grateful for your friendship back then and your words of wisdom.  I cannot read or hear that verse without thinking grateful thoughts of you and the impact you had on my life.

I just thought you should know.

Redeemed and being remade,

Jamie

Identity

Defined, identity is "the state or fact of remaining the same one...the condition of being oneself, and not another...condition or character as to who a person is."  Thank you Dictionary.com.

For so many years, I allowed my sin and who I THOUGHT I was to define me.  When it comes down to it, Satan had ingrained in me so deeply a lie.  A lie about who I was and WHOSE I was.  At counseling today, having already written down a long list of "life changing" events for a previous "assignment", we (and by we, I mean the counselor) put a word to the overall theme that emerged from many of those events.  The word was REJECTION.

Rejection was not so quickly defined.  Dictionary.com kept referring me back to the actual word rejecting or rejected.  To reject something is to "refuse to have, take, recognize...to refuse to grant (a request)...to refuse to accept (someone)...to discard as useless or unsatisfactory."

For so long, I lived my life feeling that way.  Deep down to the core of my very being.  I believed with all my heart that I was useless.  There was no doubt in my mind that I was unsatisfactory.  And that I always would be.  And it wasn't just something I can blame on my childhood or my marriage or life events, or even the shame of my sin.  The real ROOT of my identity, how I saw myself and the person I thought I was, was based on a lie.  A lie that Satan whispered every second of every day of my life; from the time I was able to hear and think and reason for myself, Satan was there, telling me that same lie, over and over again.

He told me that I was useless.  He told me that I was unsatisfactory.  And having believed that lie time after time, I grew up to be a 33 year old woman, without an identity.  Completely broken and alone.

Useless.  

Unsatisfactory.  

I'll confess another word that Satan always whispered.  

UNWANTED.  

REJECTED.

This is the lie that was so embedded in my head and in my heart that I couldn't even see it for what it was.  It seemed only natural to me that I was to be rejected.  And I lived my life under the weight of that rejection, and the fear of rejection.  I've always just chalked it up to low self-esteem.  I didn't realize until today that the word I used to identify myself was "rejected".  Looking back, I can see that it is true.  And that while I felt rejected, I never truly was.  Not by my parents, not by my husband, or my kids.  And not by God.

Satan just constantly fed me the lie, and I believed it.  It became a root that sunk deep into my heart and wound itself around everything living inside me.  It choked out God's truth and kept me blind to WHO I REALLY AM.

You throw my two old friends "Shame" and "Guilt" into the mix and I was quite a mess.  For a very long time.  When you spend 33 years (some of which you don't even realize it's happening during) believing Satan's lies, it can be very difficult to turn the other direction.  For me, it took God literally intervening into my life when I was at my lowest point.  I would never have been able to look past and see through Satan's lies, except for the grace of God.  God literally stepped in, disrupted my contentedly messed up life, and forced me to choose.  Life or death?  Truth or lies?

All of this brings me to the reason I actually sat down to write this post.  Does anyone want to guess what this is a picture of?  I'll give you a moment to silently, in your heads, ponder it before I tell you.

Ready?

Set....

GUESS!

During counseling, I was given a new assignment.  One in which I find Scripture that affirms God's truth about who I am and what Christ did for me on the Cross.  So, over lunch, I told Kris that I needed a Bible.  My fortune cookie confirmed it, saying "A good time to start something new."  ;-)

Of course, I wanted a brand new one right then and there but would be perfectly barely content with an old one for the time being.  A new Bible is a new chance to do it right, in my mind.  For me, it's like being re-baptized, or rededicating my life to God.  It may sound weird or crazy.  It may actually BE weird or crazy.  But I don't care.  I accept that I am both weird and crazy and I'm finally OK with that!  Because you know what?  While those things may be true, that's not my identity. It's not WHO I am.

So, as you have now guessed, that picture is the cover of a Bible that Kris saw at the bookstore.  We were looking through several.  We started out looking at study Bibles, then moved around the corner to the cheaper Bibles.  Ones that didn't have all the fancy devotions and stories on how to apply the Bible to your life.  After I finally decided on a thin, purple $35 one, Kris found the above-pictured Bible.  The words "true identity" caught his eye, as he knows full well that this is something I am trying to really figure out and embrace.  My identity in Christ.  Whose I am.  So of course, it caught my eye too.  I set down my chosen purple Bible without all the study questions and such, and started to look through the Bible Kris had found.  "Trueidentity The Bible for Women".  That is what the box stated.  Well, I'm a woman.  And I'm looking to really discover my true identity.  Let's see if anything jumps out at me, shall we?

So I opened it up to the front.  The page I opened again had the name of the Bible, then written below was this:

I thought "OK God.  What are you trying to get at here?"  With a little smile on my face, recognizing that God was speaking to me.

I delved deeper.  I still wasn't even to the actual "Bible" part!  I read the introduction to the Bible and the purpose in its design.  This is what I read:

"As women, we often define ourselves by our accomplishments or our relationships.  But those things do not last.  When we lose the job, or our husbands fail us or leave us, or we feel like our lives are falling apart, then our identities crumble."

Um...does that sound like anything else you've read on my blog recently???

Continuing...

"But if we define our true identity by who we are in Christ, by who God tells us we are, then we are unshakeable.  Then no matter what happens in life, we know who we are, and we can face whatever comes our way.  The purpose of this Bible, True Identity, is to help women deal with life issues by defining their true identity in Christ through his Word.  Once we as women understand who we are in God's eyes, who we are because of what Jesus did for us on the cross, we can begin to see ourselves and our lives differently.  And when we ROOT [I used all caps on that word] our identities in Christ, we have the freedom, security and confidence to deal with the issues in our lives and not be overcome by them."

Hello!?!!  This is all the new truth that God has been teaching me since Good Friday!  And I love that it uses the word ROOT.  There are specific reasons why I love that word, and why it is a message to me from God; and it seems to just keep popping up in random books or phrases or places; like today, in this Bible.

Under the heading "Relevant to Your Life", I read:

"The core value for this Bible is relevancy.  God wrote a timeless Book that's relevant to your life today, even though it was written thousands of years ago.  You'll discover that the features in this Bible are both intellectually stimulating and relevant to every day life.  You won't find dry study notes that don't tie to life or feel-good devotions that don't tie to the Bible.  You'll find personal, sophisticated, honest, practical advice.  You'll find relevance, redefined."

Wow.  That sounds like my kind of book!  We all know I can't stand reading lame devotionals or books that aren't "sophisticated".  I'm kind of a snob like that...

There was another heading underneath, "Created for Women".  It said:

"True Identity was written for Christian women in their twenties and thirties, with an emphasis on the issues women face during these years, such as career, dating, marriage, children, changing friendships, moving, etc.  This is a time of transition for women."

I'm in my thirties.  This Bible was written for ME.  And I am most definitely going through a HUGE transition!  I was still, in the back of my mind, thinking about the non-study Bible on the shelf mere feet away, that was half the price; while in the forefront I was thinking "This Bible was made for ME."  And just to flip through it to see what the pages looked like, the first page I opened to had 2 Kings 15:15 in the top left corner.  On the right side, it talked about Rahab.  There were different questions, posed as if they were to Rahab herself, with her answers.  I skimmed through until the end where my eyes caught THIS:

"So what do you think is the real lesson of your life?
Simply put, we have a God of second chances.  No matter what is in your past--your failures, mistakes or sins--God can forgive you and offer you new life.  If he can redeem someone like me [Rahab], he can change anyone."

By now, I'm just shaking my head in amusement at God and his timing and his little messages to me, while searching for a new Bible.  It was JUST yesterday that I wrote about God being a God of second chances.  God is just reaffirming everything he has been teaching me over the last month.

And you know what I just realized?  Good Friday was 4 weeks ago today.  Exactly one month later, after such a life-changing experience, God is saying "Don't forget.  Remember what I taught you.  Remember what I have done for you."

I LOVE IT!

So, as you can guess, I left the bookstore with the True Identity Bible.  And a very broke (financially) husband.  Who loves me.  A whole lot.  When I got out to the van and was looking at it, in light of our counseling session today and understanding that the rejection I always felt through life was all just a LIE from the enemy, I noticed the cover of the Bible again.  It doesn't simply say "true identity".  It says "true. identity".  There is a PERIOD.  Do you know what a period is?  It ENDS a thought or a sentence.  Another reinforcement.  Another little message from God.  True.  Identity.  It's found in Him.

Second Chances

What began as simply seeing a picture posted on Facebook turned out to be an hour spent on my laptop researching Pinterest and scouring the internet for information on second chances.  And another hour writing this.  Whatever "this" becomes.  I didn't exactly plan that, the "research".  It is just what happened.  I was looking for the original post, as the picture I saw on Facebook was from Pinterest.  And while I never did find it so I could give credit where credit is due, this is what I read on Facebook today, that went on to consume the last hour of my life.

Now, I have so MANY new thoughts and words running through my head about second chances.  Do you give someone a second chance?  A third?  A fourth?  A millionth?  How many second chances are too many?

Before I get too ahead of myself, let me start with the image above.  I love that whoever "penned" this indicated that a second chance is the most powerful thing you can give another person.  "...it amplifies LOVE..it restores HOPE...it redeems VALUE."  I believe that with all my heart.  Love gets bigger.  Hope, where there was none, is restored.  Value, where a person may have always felt worthless, is finally revealed and redeemed!

And a second chance really can change our story.  

And God, being the perfect example, shows us how many times to forgive.  How many second chances to give to others.  Because he was the example himself.  He died for our sins.  ALL OF THEM.  Who out there hasn't sinned or wronged someone else TIME AND TIME AGAIN???  At what point will God stop giving us second chances?  The answer to that question is NEVER!!

NEVER.

Do you believe that?

I didn't.

But I do now.  I was blind, but now I see.

Take a moment to really soak that in.  It doesn't matter what you've done.  It doesn't matter how many times you've done it (whatever IT is).  It doesn't matter what your past holds.  It doesn't matter whether you even believe it or not.  The simple truth is that our God is a God of second chances.  If you only knew the number of second chances God has given to me.  I'm thirty-three years old and I have made decisions that could have (and almost did) wrecked my life, my marriage and my family.  My husband would tell you the same thing is true about him.  So, if God is a God of second chances, and I believe that God is WHO and WHAT He says he is, then there is no other answer (regarding how many second chances should we give people) than this:

As many as God gives to us.  

Because here's the thing.  

We're all broken.  

We're all unworthy of such grace, and yet God extends it to us anyway.

In Philippians 2:5, we find this:  "You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had."  There is more to that passage.  Putting it in context, it talks about how Christ humbled himself, took the nature of a servant, lived among us, and died to take the punishment for our sins.

ALL OF THEM.  

All of mine.  

And all of yours.  

And if that is the kind of second chance that Christ gave to us (that He gives to us over and over again), and we are to have the same attitude as Christ, it seems to me that we need to give a lot more second chances to people than we actually do, or want to!

I know that what I am saying may sound radical to some.  It may sound perfectly rational to others.  Some of you may fall somewhere in the middle.  This post isn't directed at anyone in particular.  The picture above just sparked something in my heart and mind, that led to my searching the internet for what I could find on second chances, which then led to this post.  So, if you are reading this and you feel I may be talking about you or your life, please believe me when I say that I'm NOT.  I have no people in mind, no situations in mind, except those from my own life and what Christ did for me.

Having cleared that up...let's carry on, shall we?

While "researching", I stumbled upon a group called People of the Second Chance.  At first I thought maybe it was some sort of cult.  The more I read about them though, the more I was intrigued at what they were trying to do, and with the message they are trying to send.  You can read more about them by clicking the link above.  They "appear" to be all about grace and giving second chances to people.  I could be wrong in their intention, but I didn't spend too long on the site.  You'll have to explore and determine that for yourself, should you so choose.

Other "research" focused on little sayings/quotes I found on Pinterest.  Some I loved.  Some I hated.  I'll try not to go TOO crazy with them!  You know sometimes I tend to get carried away, though, so we'll see what happens.

Before I get to the "good stuff", let me start with one "pin" I found that rubbed me the wrong way.

Kris and I have spent the last 12 years giving one another second chances.  Some were done out of an obligation, a promise we made to "stay together no matter what".  Before we got married, we committed to one another that "divorce will not be an option".

It really WAS that simple.  

And then we got married.  

And life got hard.  

Marriage got hard.  

And yet, if we had thrown in the towel 2, 5, 7, 10 years ago, we wouldn't be in the place that we are today.  Our children would not be thriving as greatly as they could be.

**PLEASE NOTE - I am NOT saying that if you are divorced with kids that your children are not thriving.  I do not want anyone to misconstrue my words.  That is the LAST thing I am saying. 


What I am saying is that if KRIS AND I had chosen that path, it would have been detrimental to our children.  Each parent/couple has to make that decision for themselves, and I am in no place to judge or question anyone else's decision.  I am only responsible for the choices I make, and am in no way condemning anyone for choices they may have had to make.  We all live different lives and different things affect us differently.  So please, if I have stepped on your toes, take a deep breath and realize that I am solely talking about MY opinion on what was best for MY marriage and MY children.

Going back to the last picture; if we truly NEVER let someone hurt us twice, we would be surrounded by...

...take a wild guess...

NO ONE.

Any person that comes into your life will at some point hurt you.  It may be small.  It may be larger than you ever thought possible.  But people will hurt us.  People will fail us.  My kids have hurt me at times with their behavior or theirs words.  Kris has hurt me.  I have hurt him.  And I have hurt my kids.  And those are just the people that live in my house!

If we never give people second chances, we wind up alone.

THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE.

There will be people and circumstances, especially if a CRIME is committed, where I do not think a second chance is necessary or warranted. If you are being beaten, for example, I am in no way saying that you continue to allow that person chance after chance to hurt you.  Let's be realistic here.  I'm talking about more common, day-to-day scenarios and relationships between your loved ones.

Now I realize that there may be someone reading this who is thinking "but that IS my common, day-to-day scenario".  Look, I'm not perfect and I can't please everyone or factor in every specific scenario so as not to offend someone.  I'm just trying to talk about life in general, and giving people second chances WHEN POSSIBLE.

I found this next picture; one that rings true in my own life.

If Kris and I hadn't made the wrong choices along the twelve year journey we've been on (and learned from them and granted more second chances than either of us deserved), we wouldn't be the couple that we are today.  And I LOVE the couple that we are today.  That God is making us into.  We are on the path to healing.  We still have a long way to go, but the love that is there between us is far greater than it was before the wrong choices and before the hurt we caused one another.  Because not only did we give each other a second chance, we gave each other more second chances than seem "allowable" in this day and age.

And it was no longer because we said thirteen years ago that "divorce wouldn't be an option".  It's because God stepped down and hauled us up, kicking and screaming (QUITE LITERALLY-on the inside-ON MY END), and forced us to take a good hard look at our lives and our marriage.  He showed us all the ugly, filthy truth about ourselves and we had to decide how to respond.

And this is what we decided:

We looked again.  

Because let me tell you, at first glance and beyond, it didn't just APPEAR hard. 

It was downright impossible by human standards.  

There was too much pain.  

Too many bad memories.  

The situation we found ourselves in was something we weren't sure we could recover from.  And yet, where it is impossible for us, it is possible for God.  It is only by His grace and mercy that we are recovering and rebuilding our lives and our marriage.  This time on the RIGHT foundation.  And it has been the best decision we have ever made.  But I don't think we could have done it without God.  Kris may "beg to differ" but I did not think we could do it.  I didn't think we could save our marriage, before God intervened.  I didn't think we could "fix" what was wrong.  It took God stepping in and revealing who He really is for me to see that I was actually right.  I couldn't fix it.  I couldn't do it.  I had to LET Him help me.  I had to take His hand and trust Him.  Which was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding experiences I have ever had.  And it will shape the rest of my life and the decisions I make from here on out.

So, what has now become a new, restored love and faith in both God and in my husband & marriage, will be passed down and given to our children.  It is best reflected in this picture, that I absolutely love.  Someday I will have this posted in my house.  I know it would be overkill, but I dare admit there is a part of me that wants this posted in every room of our house, on every ceiling, mirror and wall.

It's funny how I started this with several thoughts in mind and it wound up going an entirely different direction than I anticipated.  That's usually how it is with me though, and I embrace it.  I just let the words flow.  This is Jamie, unscripted.

There is a line in a Switchfoot song that says:

"Hallelujah, I'm caving in

Hallelujah, I'm in love again.

Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man

Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance."

Every breath is a second chance.  

EVERY breath is a second chance.

I can only hope that someday Kris and I can share our story with others and they can find the same healing and redemption that we have found.  I do not believe that there is any couple out there who CAN'T be healed, if they WANT to be.  Even if it means stripping everything away and starting completely over, as strangers.  It can be done.  It IS possible.  I know this and I believe it because it is the life I am now living.

Playing With Pinterest - Week 3

Here are my favorite Pinterest findings of the week.

First and foremost:

I love this.  Sorry if the word "Nazi" offends anyone.  The grammar queen in me couldn't resist this!

I think I am finally learning this.  I used to think that my actions defined me, that my past defined me.  I am learning something entirely new and it is this.

I have to have something about bacon, don't I?  The answer is yes.

I want this in my house!

And lastly:

So very true!!

Rough day

I've lost it.  I've had a complete emotional meltdown.  First of all, I'm going to blame it on all the pain and the medication.  But really, it's just a culmination of something that has been tugging at my heart for quite some time.  And I can't really write about it.  Rather, I am choosing not to write about it.  For several reasons, which I am not ready to share.

I'm just...

My heart is heavy.

I did something today that I had been wanting/needing to do for a couple of weeks.  It made me extremely anxious, even though I knew that there would be answers and honesty.  And I can't tell if my tears are from relief or sadness, or fear of the future and what will happen down the road with this particular situation.  It has left me feeling alone.  And yet, there is still that underlying peace that God has given me in the midst of it all, and an amazing man by my side.  But I still feel alone.

Perhaps today is just an off day.  Perhaps I'll feel better when Kris gets home and I can lay myself in his arms (awkwardly of course since I can still barely move my neck!).

I know I am rambling on about things you don't understand.  I just needed to "talk".  Thanks for "listening".

Music That Moves Me - Week 3

I'm a little behind this week, what with the messed up neck and all!  I had several songs I wanted to write about over the weekend, but waited.  Not realizing I wouldn't get to them until today, which is a day late.  And I suppose it doesn't REALLY matter what day I post this on...because it's my blog, but I"m kind of anal, so even though I wrote it on Wednesday, I'm changing the posting date to Tuesday. Otherwise it will drive me nuts. It would also equally bother me if I wasn't up front about the fact that I posted it a day "late".  Even though I am the only one who put me on that schedule.

Both of these songs I heard this week.  I had heard the Matt Nathanson song before, as I love most of his music, but never really HEARD it in the same way that I do now.  It's called "Little Victories.





The next song I heard for the first time this past week.  I've heard it several times in the last 7 days and it doesn't really need much explanation.  It's called "Carry Me To the Cross" by Kutless.  And it's what God did for me.

Kris made dinner

**WARNING** - I am under the influence of several different medications and am not responsible for poor spelling or grammar right now, nor for any boredom you may feel from reading this.

--

I had a really hard time NOT doing anything today.  I felt so useless and bored.  And now I'm sitting here, writing dinner...

Um...

Case in point...

What I was trying to say is "I'm sitting here writing medicated" but I was thinking about Kris making dinner.  Who knows what this post will turn into!  I'll have to type quickly to try to keep myself out of trouble!

First of all, I feel somewhat better than I did yesterday.  I can turn my head a little bit more, but still have to be careful.  I'm also still in quite a bit of pain but it is NOTHING like it was yesterday.  Unfortunately, the medication they sent me home with has very little effect on the pain (just my brain!), which I knew would be the case.  This isn't my first trip around the block, so to speak.  But overall, I'm better than yesterday.  So I'm thrilled about that!  One more day doing nothing, and then hopefully by Thursday I can ease back into life.  I do have an appointment on Thursday before Spanish class; a follow up with my primary to talk to her about ordering an MRI on my entire spine, not just the cervical part (which I already know I have two bulging discs on...).  I suspect my lower back has bulging discs as well, but only an MRI will determine that.

Back to dinner...

Because we are trying to actually live within our means, I have a dinner menu now.  Fish sticks and mac 'n cheese were on the menu for tonight.  It should have been an easy enough meal for Kris to take care of without my help, since he has made it before.  Tomorrow night was to be pork chops and Au gratin potatoes.  Kris got it in his head that he would make the pork chops tonight though.

Have I ever told you that I like to be in control?  I'm fine with Kris making spaghetti, or tacos or fish sticks, etc...as long as I don't have to watch him do it wrong NOT the way I do it.  But pork chops?  That's some scary territory folks.  You can only make pork chops if you know how to make pork chops!  THE WAY THAT I MAKE THEM.  Problem is, Kris wanted to make pork chops and keep me in bed while he did it.  I couldn't take it.  So naturally, I joined him in the kitchen, giving him small tips doing whatever I could get away with on the preparation.  I explained to him how *I* cook them and once I felt that he could do it the way that I did it, I went back to bed.  He cooked, and I sat in here anxiously waiting, hoping that he cooked them right and trying to keep myself from trying to take over.

I learned 2 things.

#1.  Giving the right guidance, I CAN then let go of some of the control I feel in the kitchen and allow someone to help with, if not complete, a meal.

#2.  I should trust my husband a little bit more.  The pork chops tasted delicious!!  So did the Au gratin potatoes.  He did a really great job.  He had better watch out though. Too much of that and I might begin to DEPEND on his cooking dinner from time to time.

I found it amusing to see him all hot and sweaty and tired from the cooking though.  I said "See why some nights I just don't feel like cooking dinner?"

All that to say, I really love that man.  Not just because he cooked dinner tonight.  Not just because he has been so selfless and taken such good care of me; making sure that I don't do anything to further strain my neck.  He has driven the kids to school, picked them up, dealt with the normal every day fighting I deal with on the drive home from school, cooked dinner, then put the kids in bed.

Above all of that, I am just so thankful that we were given a second chance at marriage.  That we CHOSE to give our marriage a second chance.  That he loves me as much as he does.  That he talks to me more now and makes me feel wanted and beautiful.  That he prays for me and with me; and that we can talk about our dreams and passions (foreign missions for me/inner city work for him) again, which we haven't done in so long.  I am so grateful that God intervened in our lives and in our marriage and made us face some very ugly truths about ourselves in order to bring us to the place we are at today.  We needed to go through what we did in order to be at the place we are today.

I am so happy to lay next to him at night, and wake up with him by my side.  And I am truly grateful for our story and the impact it could have on other people's lives some day when God decides the time is right for that.

I need a new neck

This isn't the first post ever about this stupid neck of mine. I'm so tired of always being in pain. I was told three years ago that if I began a pain management treatment plan, that 20 years from now (or "then" I guess), when I would really need the medication, it wouldn't work.  So I opted out at that point in time.  Since then, I have seen too many physical therapists, a neurologist, a neurosurgeon, a rheumatologist, along with several different chiropractors.

Last year, a friend of mine referred me to Precision Health Group in Bridgeton.  I am extremely thankful to have finally found a REALLY good "chiropractor" that has managed to keep me out of the ER for the last year, and away from pain management.  They aren't your typical chiropractors and I have actually had several pain-free days, which is a HUGE difference from the preceding three years.

This morning though, I woke up in excruciating pain and unable to move my head. I called my chiro right away, knowing he could "fix" me. My appointment wasn't until 1, so it was a LONG and painful wait.  But the time finally arrived and off to my appointment I went.

As soon as I walked in the door, he saw me and said:

"You're not moving your neck."

I said:

"I know."

Then he said:

"What did you do?"

My response?

"I got out of bed this morning."

He said something that I couldn't quite hear; something about disc d-something or other.  I told him that I was in a LOT of pain and he said I would be that way for the next 2-8 days.  Um...excuse me?  You've always fixed me.  Every time.  Sometimes even leaving bruises, but the "therapy" works.  It is extremely effective.  What did he mean it would be 2-8 days of excruciating pain?  I'm so used to walking out of there feeling better that it never occurred to me that I would have a physical problem that he couldn't fix.

Slightly off topic (with regards to my appointment)...

See this picture of a healthy spine?

See how the spine on the right shows the curves?  My ENTIRE spine has NO curve.  At.  All. Several x-rays have confirmed this.  Where there is supposed to be curves, my body did not get the message.  Oh, I have curves; they're just on the OUTSIDE ;-), not in my spine where they belong.

To my knowledge (as of 3 years ago), I have two bulging discs on the left side of my neck.  I believe that there are more in my lower back as well, but haven't had an MRI yet to confirm that.  I may even have more in my neck at this point in time.

So...back to the appointment...

I get back in the room and when the doctor comes in, he tells me that when I wake up like that, unable to move my neck (for no apparent reason), it is called Internal Disc Derangement.  Great...not only is my mind deranged; now my body is too?  He explained that it is very likely that there is a tear in one of the discs in my neck.  As it is never exposed to blood, when there is a tear, the blood touches it and causes extreme pain and limits mobility.

So this led me to ask "So, is there anything you can do?"

He explained that yes, he could give me a little bit of relief, but it would only last about ten minutes.  Literally.  He explained that it would take 2-8 days to heal the tear.  So I asked him if there was ANYTHING I could do to make it better, besides going to the ER for (at the very least) 2-3 hours of relief with pain medication through an IV.  He said I could do that OR I could have a couple of drinks.  He explained that it would essentially have the same effect as muscle relaxers.  Well, I can't very well spend the next 2-8 days drinking, now can I?

I called Kris at work and we talked about it.  Then he came and picked me up; then he drove me to the ER.  I love MoBap.  I have never had a bad ER experience there, with myself or the kids.  Today was no exception.  I had to wait about 45 minutes, which is a fairly short amount of time where most ERs are concerned, before they started an IV and gave me a good dose of Dilaudid.  That is one of the things I love the most about this hospital.  They put you through the triage process and then as soon as they can, if it is warranted, they give you pain meds to offer you relief while you wait for a room to clear up and to eventually be seen by a doctor.  While the Dilaudid didn't completely relieve me of all pain, it did cut my 9 on the pain scale down to a 7 in short order.

Once I got in the room, a nurse came in.  Then, a little while later, the chief of medicine came in.  I explained to him what had happened and gave him a brief summary of my medical history.  He said that he couldn't really "fix" anything (which I didn't expect anyway), but that he would definitely help me with the pain and also refer me to a neck/back specialist. I didn't even realize there was such a doctor.  Why haven't I known about this before now????

So, when all was said and done, before removing my IV, they gave me some Toridol.  I was discharged with a prescription for a muscle relaxer, pain killer, and oddly enough, a steroid.  He explained that he couldn't be sure if a disc had ruptured or if it was just inflammation, but he wanted to treat the inflammation with the steroid for a few days.

Looking at my discharge papers, I fully expected to see what I usually see.

Diagnosis: Muscle Spasms

Which we all know is short for "there is nothing wrong with this person; they just want meds."

But this time, the "diagnosis" was Degenerative Disc Disease.  I know that isn't an official diagnosis, but I won't be surprised if, after meeting with the neck/back specialist, they don't wind up diagnosing me with that.  The doctor at the ER said that I needed to get another MRI done on my neck, since it has been three years and there could be more going on now than there was then.  So, I have to call the new doctor tomorrow.

In the meantime, I am to spend the next two days doing NOTHING but taking medicine and resting (which is NOT going to be easy for me).  Kris and Cindy are coordinating everything with the kids and school.  If the disc(s) isn't ruptured, I certainly don't want it to become that way.  My understanding is that once a disc goes from "bulging" to "herniated", surgery is almost always necessary.  And I DO NOT want to go through neck surgery, especially at this age.

So that was my day, in one boring nutshell of a blog post.  Sorry there isn't anything witty or deeply spiritual today. I write whatever is in my head at the time.  And you are stuck with this today.

7 years of tears...

Kris and I got to talking after church today about me crying all the time (OK not All the time...). The kids all thought mom had seriously gone off the deep end...again...for the millionth time; they kept asking, during communion, "What's wrong with Mommy? Why is she crying?" His simply answer was "Because God is good." Which is really the truth of it.

The reasons vary, but it has been happening quite a bit these past two months.  This morning it was because the "communion song" was Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone). And that song was very meaningful for me on Good Friday, as I watched my sins burn; and like the song that brought me to tears Friday night, my "ashes were turned into beauty".

So, hearing Amazing Grace again, for the first time since that night, I was just overwhelmed by God's goodness.  By His love. By His forgiveness. By His freedom from sin. And from shame. And from guilt.

And rather than try to hold back the tears, as I have forced myself to do these last seven years (so I didn't have to feel anything), I let them flow. I allowed God to hold me and reassure me and shower His unwavering love over me.

I was thinking (and asking Kris) "Am I going to cry like this any time I hear a song that talks about sins being forgiven, or God's great love for me?"  The conclusion that Kris and I came to is "most likely yes". I think this is how it is supposed to feel. I hope that I never, ever lose that understanding and deep appreciation for what Christ did for me. Whether it be two months, two years, or two decades, I want to remember. I want to always be moved to tears, when reminded of what was done, the punishment that was taken, to save me.

Finally...family pictures

I'm trying to remember the last time we had "professional" family pictures taken. I believe it was in 2009. So, here we are, three years later, and finally, at long last, we have them. They aren't professional, mind you, as I was the photographer for most of them. However, they turned out SO good. But before I show them to you, let me tell you why I am so exhausted today.

First of all, I laid in bed until noon. That was my first mistake. I'm not going to tell you if I spent the majority of that time playing Draw Something and changing my status on Facebook. I think you know me well enough by now. Kris laid next to me, watching Ghostbusters (which is lame-stone me if you will), refusing to get up and clean the kitchen so that I could slave away in the kitchen, SELFLESSLY making HIM bacon, biscuits and gravy. The nerve of some people! I swear...

Second, starving to death from having done NOTHING, including feed myself, I finally decided to get up. Kris and I had talked about taking the kids to the zoo. I told him I wanted to make sugar cookies and stay home. We went back and forth. I struck a compromise. You clean my stoneware and cookware, and I'll go to the zoo with you...and, I reluctantly added, we could take the kids with us. If you are new to my blog or don't know me well, I don't handle crowds and other people's kids very well. Majority of the time I don't even handle my OWN crowd of kids well! So, for me to agree to this zoo outing is quite remarkable. I get my kitchen cleaned up by my loving boyfriend, and HE in turn gets to do something fun with me and the kids, PLUS eat sugar cookies, PLUS get a nice dinner of bacon, biscuits and gravy, PLUS at the end of the night, after the kids are in bed he would get to...watch T.V. with the lovely ME. Get your minds out of the gutter! Would I dare imply anything inappropriate on here? Don't answer that!


So, we finally get ready and head to the store to grab some quick picnic "stuffs".  And downtown we headed.  We stupidly believed that because it was chilly out, that Turtle Park wouldn't be crowded.  Thus, we could park there for free, eat lunch, then enjoy the zoo.  I really wanted to see the giraffes!  And then we got to Turtle Park.  We discovered we were VERY wrong about the weather.  Apparently, ALL OF ST. LOUIS had no qualms at all about the blustery 60 degree weather today and all decided to congregate AT TURTLE PARK.  While waiting for someone to leave, opening up the ONLY parking space, some moron STOLE it from us.  I glared at them as they walked past us (they couldn't see me doing this of course), grumbling about how obvious it was that we were waiting on that spot.  It took what seemed like minutes  hours to exit the extremely packed parking lot, but we finally made it.

By now, I'm a little on edge, even with the appropriate little orange pills properly digested 45 minutes prior to this.  But we press on.  Towards the zoo.  There was no way we were going to pay for parking, but as we drove around the front of the zoo, it quickly became apparent that if we were going to visit the animals, we would first have to walk about 7 miles, after parking, just to get to the entrance.  We had just about given up (Kris loving me so much knew I was about at my limit of what I could take for the day), when we drove past Grand Basin at Forest Park.  It looked so pretty.  There were still cars lined on both sides, so we thought there was no way we'd find a spot, but just as we were about to exit Forest Park, very close to the lake with its beautiful fountains, there was a spot!  So we took it.  Everything in me screamed "RUN AWAY!  GO HOME!  GET AWAY FROM ALL THE IDIOTS WHO TOOK ALL THE PARKING!!!"  But outside, I put on a brave face and willed myself to get out of the van, determined to at least have lunch with the kids, overlooking this:

We ate lunch and enjoyed the view.  Some of the children who didn't listen and bring along a jacket were cold, but I won't rat out which one it was!  She knows who she is.  And no, it was NOT me.  I was nice and warm.  

Shortly after we finished eating, I looked over at Katherine and thought, "That looks like a good picture!"  I had brought along my half-charged camera, intending to take pictures of the giraffes primarily, and maybe get a shot or two of the kids.  Somehow, after taking that first picture, I got it into my head that today would be a perfect day to just try my hand at photography.  Of course, I wasn't consciously thinking that, but essentially, that is what happened.  I just started taking pictures and told the kids we were going to take family pictures and they had better cooperate!

I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly blessed we were with terrific weather, great props, and some really adorable, photogenic kids!  In all, I took about 256 pictures!  I didn't even realize I had taken that many.  It took about 2 hours and we all had fun in the process, for the most part.  The kids got to climb trees, run down the hill, and then roll down the hill, before collapsing into exhausted heaps!  We were about to head over to the Art Museum (which was at the top of the hill we were on) when Livvy fell, which for me was a blessing in disguise.  I sat down while Kris went to carry Livvy.  They went to take one last picture and realized just how tired I was.  I did NOT want to go to the Art Museum.  So we headed back to the van, then home.

Once we got home, I was all too eager for Kris to go take a nap.  Because I wanted to edit and post the pictures.  Because I love him so much.  The kids watched T.V. and looked at pictures with me.  I spent about an hour and a half playing with the pictures and getting them all uploaded to Facebook.  I was so pleasantly surprised with how great they turned out.  My kids are just THAT cute!  I was going to try to share the Facebook album publicly but apparently it won't work. I know because I tested it.  So, I'll share the Picasa album here so that you can see them.  In case you don't have time to look through them now, or you just really don't care, here are some of my favorites.  There are WAY too many favorites to choose from, but I will limit myself to two of each child, and a couple of them all together.  Then you, in your own time, can look at the rest.

Let's start with the youngest, Olivia:

She insisted on praying, which of course, was adorable!

Next up, the lovely Abigail:

I LOVE this tree!!!

The ever-so-handsome Kaleb:

Pondering life...

And next, we have the beautiful yet way-too-old-looking Katherine:

I think this one is my favorite of her!  The pose was ALL her idea!  Very creative!

And here are a few other miscellaneous ones that I love:

Just ignore the cream from Livvy's dessert on her mouth.  :-)

These two have always had a special bond.

Love it!

My not-so-little-anymore Bishops

She insisted on this picture, and furthermore, after seeing it on Facebook explained to me that the leaves were like the crown of thorns on Jesus' head and she said she should have stretched out her arms.

Love this shot of them running, especially the look of pure joy on their faces.  When do we, as adults, feel that free and happy?

Preparing to roll down the hill.

I LOVE this!!!  And as you can see from how small Kaleb's waist is, it isn't 100 lbs. Kris is lifting there.  Not saying he COULDN'T.  I should just shut up now...

Livvy explained that she was praising God in this picture!  Look at her arms and her face.  Oh to have the faith of a little child!

I love this picture of Kris, in the background (out of the shot), helping Kaleb up!

You can see the rest of the pictures here (hopefully clicking that below will work) or on Facebook if you are friends with me there:

Family Pictures 2012

Oh...and lastly...while it wasn't biscuits and gravy, Kris did clean the kitchen and I did drag myself off the couch to cook pancakes and bacon, before we put the kids in bed, which led up to this present moment and this particular blog post.

Stories

Would it surprise you to read that there will be a song/video in this post?
I am hoping I can complete this post before the meds kick in and I am no longer coherent! We will see how far I get.

I'm actually writing from my van now,  while keeping a wary eye on my what-I'm-sure-will-be-awesome cupcakes, which happen to be resting precariously on my dash. They are German chocolate and also Neapolitan made by a girl from church; and I am a firm believer that cupcakes like this should really be eaten on a plate, with a fork and a glass of milk, to get the true fulfillment and joy they are meant to bring.

Tonight, Kris and I attended something called  Stories. It takes place 2 Fridays each month, at The Outpost, where we are currently attending church; and we have been trying to go to the last 3 meetings. Every time, there was something that prevented it. We couldn't attended due to one conflict or another.

The last one would have been on Good Friday. We couldn't attend because Kris was preaching, and they didn't have it; having a church-wide Good Friday celebration instead.
And you do remember what was significant about Good Friday for me? If not, or if you missed the post, you can find that here.

I found Jesus that night.  On a rugged, dirty Cross, I came face to face with the REAL Jesus.  The REAL meaning behind the Cross.  The truth of what He did for me.  The realization that I could give him all my shame, all my guilt, all the burdens I had been bearing alone for so long, and He would bear them on his shoulders, while He was beaten, hung on a Cross and died.  For ME.  Not just the rest of you.  But for ME.  For Jamie.  He did that for ME.  Understanding that, acknowledging that and finally embracing that, the Cross became real to me in way that words cannot fully explain.

All of that to say that tonight, at Stories, I sat around in a group full of hurting, broken, and HEALING people.  And there was no shame.  There was only love and comfort, and acceptance.  That is something that drew me to The Outpost to begin with.  There was just this deep sense of comfort that seemed to spill forth from the building and the people.  I feel like I'm "home" when I'm there.  Just like I feel like I'm "home" with my husband now.  And "home" with God now.  It's just right.

And what I found really profound was that had we been able to actually attend Stories any of the last 3 times they were "supposed" to meet, I would not have been in a place emotionally or spiritually where I could have handled Kris and I sharing our story tonight.  And I think it was an important place for us to be and I think that God has everything under control, and HIS timing is perfect.  How cool is that?!?!

I found myself thankful that the lights were out while the song "At The Foot of the Cross" was playing and people sang along tonight.  I heard this song just over two months ago, HOPING that I could feel that way someday, but fearful that I never would.  Fearful that I would never truly see God and have a real relationship with Him again.  Tonight though, tears of joy and a feeling of overwhelming love flowed in and through and out of me.  The lyrics are astounding.  Truly profound and very dear to my heart.  For instance (don't worry, I won't dissect the ENTIRE song just most of it):

"You won my heart.  Yes, You won my heart."

Those words are significant to me for two reasons.  Before I fully embraced the Cross, my husband won my heart back.  Two months ago yesterday, as he was winning my heart back, I chose to go home.  I've told him this in those exact words, several times:  "He won my heart back."  So to hear a song where it talks about God winning my heart, it struck home.

"Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty."

Remember Good Friday, when I burned my "sins"?  Only ashes remained.  And since that night, there has been beauty.  There has been freedom and life!

"And wear forgiveness like a crown."

I had my own thoughts on that line, but I wanted to hear Kris' perspective first, on those words.  Kris said it reminded him of Zechariah 3.  And I had to agree with him on the symbolism here.
Verses 1-4:  "Then the angel showed me Jeshua, the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord. The Accuser, Satan, was there at the angel's right hand, making accusations against Jeshua.  And the Lord said to Satan, 'I, the Lord, reject your accusations, Satan.  Yes, the Lord, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebukes you.  This man is like a burning stick that has been snatched from the fire.'  Jeshua's clothing was filthy as he stood there before the angel. So the angel said to the others standing there, 'Take off his filthy clothes.'  And turning to Jeshua he said, 'See, I have taken away your sins, and now I am giving you these fine new clothes.'  Then I said, 'They should also place a clean turban on his head.' So they put a clean priestly turban on his head and dressed him in new clothes while the angel of the Lord stood by."

Do you see it?  The clean clothes, removing the sins and the clean turban represents that crown of forgiveness.  Also, what I find most profound here too is that the Accuser was there, making accusations.  Telling lies.  And while we (as humans) tend to believe those lies, God stepped forward and REJECTED those lies!

From a woman's perspective, who in some ways will always have the heart of a little girl, I heard and pictured this line differently.  Shocking.  Right?  Here is what I saw.  As little girls, we always want to be a princess. I don't know many girls who at some point or another haven't wanted deep down to be a princess.  Early in life, we look to our fathers to be our knight in shining armor.  To never leave us, and to rescue us from danger.  Later, as we grow up, we look to our husbands to fill this roll.  But the only person who can truly save us and take us off into the sunset, happily ever after, is God.  He puts a crown of forgiveness on our heads; he makes us his princess!

"Coming to kiss the feet of mercy..."

This brings to my mind a picture of humility.  Us, being broken and humble at the feet of Jesus, lying face down at his feet, acknowledging that we are but sinners, unworthy of anything but punishment.  And yet, he tells us that HE will take our punishment.  He DID take our punishment when he bled and died on that Cross.

"I lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross."

Since the Cross has such a new, intimate meaning for me, and I really did lay my burdens at his feet on Good Friday, I absolutely love this line!  And it is also a constant reminder to us.  A reminder that even now, after we've embraced God's love and forgiveness, we have to daily take our burdens and lay them at the feet of Jesus.  AND LEAVE THEM THERE.  NOT taking them back up again...that is the key.

"At the foot of the Cross, where I am made complete; You have given me life through the death you bore for me."

I feel at complete peace reading/listening to these lines.

As anticipated, the song I am referring to is below (with lyrics).