My all time, hands down favorite band is Switchfoot. They are everything I could want in a band and more. Their lyrics never fail to speak to my heart. Their new album just came out. It's called Vice Verses. Kris and I made plans a couple months ago to see them live with Anberlin in Illinois on October 1. With our tickets we got the new album, a t-shirt, some lithograph something that I won't pretend to know what it is, as well as early entry into the venue. We got the CDs yesterday and I have been listening to this album over and over again. So many songs on this particular album seem to speak to me, where I am. Right now. Presently. In my life, spiritually. One in particular, called Thrive, has been on repeat more than the others. I just wanted to share the lyrics and the song with you today.
Here is a live version that was posted on YouTube. The lyrics will follow.
Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?
I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me
I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I am a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No I'm not alright
I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up
I want to thrive not just survive
Thrive
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Lazy Sunday
It's Sunday morning. We have an hour before we need to be at church, so I'm just enjoying some time being lazy while the kids watch some lame kids' show on Netflix. I took away all electronics (again) except TV. They drive me crazy always wanting to play the Wii, or Playstation, or computer. I'm about to get on another kick where they are deprived for an entire week, because I am so tired of hearing someone ask every other second if they can play on the computer or other device.
I made this really simple and delicious recipe in the crock pot yesterday. All you have to do is take one can of cream of mushroom soup, cream of celery, and cream of chicken and combine it with 1-2 cups instant rice. Then you put 4-6 chicken breasts on top and cook it for 3-4 hours on high. It was great! Though the rice/soup mixture reminded me more of stuffing. But I didn't mind that. I thought it was really good. I sprinkled some lemon pepper on the chicken just to add a little extra flavor and next time, will probably sprinkle some salt on too...but it would've been good without that too. It sure was a lot easier than stuffed chicken, and tasted VERY similar. So if you're looking for a quick and simple (and GOOD) crock pot meal...there you go. You're welcome.
Kris and I played in a Bridge 199er tournament yesterday. That simply means that everyone we played against had under 199 Master Points. Kris and I, until yesterday, had 2 WHOLE Master Points. But, we played REALLY well yesterday, and scored in first place in all three flights, in our section. We wound up earning 1.14 Master Points. That's a pretty large amount to earn at one time. I am sure it doesn't seem like much to you...but we were thrilled! I still don't understand why people are so intimidated by the game. Jennifer, I'm talking to you. We're just alike. You would LIKE the game, perhaps even LOVE the game, if you would let me teach you how to play!!!
I wanted to thank everyone who has called/emailed the city of Eureka to try to help put the crosses back. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can check it out here and help out.
I made this really simple and delicious recipe in the crock pot yesterday. All you have to do is take one can of cream of mushroom soup, cream of celery, and cream of chicken and combine it with 1-2 cups instant rice. Then you put 4-6 chicken breasts on top and cook it for 3-4 hours on high. It was great! Though the rice/soup mixture reminded me more of stuffing. But I didn't mind that. I thought it was really good. I sprinkled some lemon pepper on the chicken just to add a little extra flavor and next time, will probably sprinkle some salt on too...but it would've been good without that too. It sure was a lot easier than stuffed chicken, and tasted VERY similar. So if you're looking for a quick and simple (and GOOD) crock pot meal...there you go. You're welcome.
Kris and I played in a Bridge 199er tournament yesterday. That simply means that everyone we played against had under 199 Master Points. Kris and I, until yesterday, had 2 WHOLE Master Points. But, we played REALLY well yesterday, and scored in first place in all three flights, in our section. We wound up earning 1.14 Master Points. That's a pretty large amount to earn at one time. I am sure it doesn't seem like much to you...but we were thrilled! I still don't understand why people are so intimidated by the game. Jennifer, I'm talking to you. We're just alike. You would LIKE the game, perhaps even LOVE the game, if you would let me teach you how to play!!!
I wanted to thank everyone who has called/emailed the city of Eureka to try to help put the crosses back. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can check it out here and help out.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Something a little lighter
I realize that my last few posts have been pretty...heavy. It's been a LONG, draining week! So I thought that today, just for fun, I would rant again...but this time on a much more light-hearted topic.
Max and Ruby.
Let's talk about that show. I already have issues with Caillou. Who wouldn't? I came across an old blog post, back from when I was a stay at home mom, when Livvy was just an infant. During that time, Abbey and I watched a LOT of Max and Ruby. That show always disturbed me.
For those of you who do not know, Max and Ruby is a cartoon that comes on Nick Jr. Abbey used to love this show. I have always wondered why she doesn't listen and why she does exactly what I tell her not to do. I am beginning to wonder if this little kids' cartoon might not have something to do with it.
Ok. Ruby is the older rabbit. She is sister to Max, the younger (obviously) brother. They live together in a house, alone. I'm not sure what happened to their parents, but their grandmother does live just down the road and checks in on them from time to time--I've only heard of or seen her in maybe 2 episodes.
Let me give you an example of what this is teaching today's children.
One episode in particular made me just sort of shake my head. Max was trying to get into the refrigerator to get a snack but Ruby came up to him and said "It's time for a bath Max." So they go up and Ruby helps get Max in the tub. While she goes out of the room to go and get towels, Max goes downstairs and gets some sherbet out of the fridge. He takes it back up and into the bath and dumps it into the water. Ruby comes back in and says "Oh Max"--that is her typical phrase, used many times in each episode. She lets the water out and puts clean water back in. She tells Max to stay in and she leaves again to go and do something. Max, of course gets back up and goes back and gets a different color of sherbet this time, but before he can get in the bathtub with it, Ruby stops him and sets it down on a stool near the tub. Then, (doesn't she seem a little stupid by now??) she leaves the room AGAIN! Max, of course, gets the sherbet and starts playing with it in the tub. It spills and the water instantly changes color. So this continues...maybe 2 or three more times....why Ruby doesn't just stay in the bathroom the entire time and just bathe Max I don't know! But that was it. There was no lesson at the end, or if there was I missed it. Max just kept doing what he was not supposed to and Ruby kept saying "Oh Max." Max also always has some key word that he uses all the time and that's all he says. I don't remember what the word was in this one...probably "snack" or "food" or something like that. This show teaches NOTHING to our children, and let's face it. It's more annoying than entertaining.
Max and Ruby.
Let's talk about that show. I already have issues with Caillou. Who wouldn't? I came across an old blog post, back from when I was a stay at home mom, when Livvy was just an infant. During that time, Abbey and I watched a LOT of Max and Ruby. That show always disturbed me.
For those of you who do not know, Max and Ruby is a cartoon that comes on Nick Jr. Abbey used to love this show. I have always wondered why she doesn't listen and why she does exactly what I tell her not to do. I am beginning to wonder if this little kids' cartoon might not have something to do with it.
Ok. Ruby is the older rabbit. She is sister to Max, the younger (obviously) brother. They live together in a house, alone. I'm not sure what happened to their parents, but their grandmother does live just down the road and checks in on them from time to time--I've only heard of or seen her in maybe 2 episodes.
Let me give you an example of what this is teaching today's children.
One episode in particular made me just sort of shake my head. Max was trying to get into the refrigerator to get a snack but Ruby came up to him and said "It's time for a bath Max." So they go up and Ruby helps get Max in the tub. While she goes out of the room to go and get towels, Max goes downstairs and gets some sherbet out of the fridge. He takes it back up and into the bath and dumps it into the water. Ruby comes back in and says "Oh Max"--that is her typical phrase, used many times in each episode. She lets the water out and puts clean water back in. She tells Max to stay in and she leaves again to go and do something. Max, of course gets back up and goes back and gets a different color of sherbet this time, but before he can get in the bathtub with it, Ruby stops him and sets it down on a stool near the tub. Then, (doesn't she seem a little stupid by now??) she leaves the room AGAIN! Max, of course, gets the sherbet and starts playing with it in the tub. It spills and the water instantly changes color. So this continues...maybe 2 or three more times....why Ruby doesn't just stay in the bathroom the entire time and just bathe Max I don't know! But that was it. There was no lesson at the end, or if there was I missed it. Max just kept doing what he was not supposed to and Ruby kept saying "Oh Max." Max also always has some key word that he uses all the time and that's all he says. I don't remember what the word was in this one...probably "snack" or "food" or something like that. This show teaches NOTHING to our children, and let's face it. It's more annoying than entertaining.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Are you kidding me?
If you are familiar with my blog, or the Huckaba family, you know that they are dear to my heart. If you have no clue what I am talking about, 6 years ago on July 28th, five people died in a horrific car accident on Interstate 44, in Eureka, MO near Six Flags. Angi Huckaba, two of her sons (Jacob and Josh), as well as Angi's sister and brother, in a van on their way to Six Flags were rear-ended and killed. I've written about it before. Angi was a friend of mine and both Katherine and I had the blessing of talking to her on the phone the day before she died. I think back to that day Kris told me what had happened and still remember the shock and the disbelief. I think often about Shawn (Angi's husband) and Alex, their oldest son, both of whom survived and have managed to somehow press on through these last six years. I can't drive past the funeral home in St. Charles without a heart full of sadness and I can't drive past that section of I-44 in Eureka without looking at the 5 crosses in front of Steak 'n Shake that mark the spot where they lost their lives. Several times I have stopped and just stood there, in front of the crosses, remembering Angi and her boys. Touched the crosses, as if I can somehow find a trace of their lives still lingering there.
Yesterday, Shawn discovered that the crosses were missing. No one seemed to know why. Until today. Until Shawn got a letter from the city of Eureka. I did get his permission to share this letter here and after you are done reading it, I am asking you, pleading with you, if you know this family or live in the area, PLEASE take some sort of action to contact the city of Eureka. It is outrageous, what they are saying in the letter, and why they removed the crosses. It was heartless and in my opinion, just plain WRONG. This is the letter he received:
Mr. Huckaba:
The City has received a number of complaints regarding the crosses (mostly verbal, with a few in writing). The issues raised varied, including questioning the appropriateness of them being there and that they are distracting drivers. While there are likely many opinions regarding their appropriateness, having been placed on notice by numerous parties that the crosses are potentially causing drivers to be distracted while viewing them, the Board of Aldermen directed that they be removed. It would certainly be both tragic and ironic for there to be a traffic accident as a result of that which was erected following a traffic accident. The section of I-44 that was dedicated in honor of your family will of course remain as a memorial. We have retained the crosses, and will keep them for 30 days if you are interested in retrieving them. They are in a small wooden fenced area at the southwest corner of our building. You are welcome to retrieve them whenever you wish, including after business hours.
Regards,
Craig
______________________________
Craig E. Sabo
City Administrator
City of Eureka
100 City Hall Drive
P.O. Box 125
Eureka, MO 63025-0125
636-938-5233
636-938-4080 (FAX)
cesabo@eureka.mo.us
Are you kidding me???? First of all...it's absurd. The crosses, a distraction? Maybe. But not a BAD one. A distraction that screams for people to SLOW DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION BEHIND THE WHEEL! An entire family was lost that day and to remove the crosses because there have been some complaints is stupid at best, in comparison with what happened that day.
BEYOND THAT...I can't get over the wording in that letter. The part that said "It would certainly be both tragic and ironic for there to be a traffic accident as a result of that which was erected following a traffic accident." What happened that day was MORE than just a "traffic accident". And the inclusion of that statement is any number of things. Insensitive. Ignorant. Ridiculous. I'm infuriated! How many traffic accidents were there on that section of the highway BEFORE 7/28/05? I am uncertain of the number, but I remember reading the articles about all the accidents on that section of I-44 before that day. Enough that they lowered the speed limit through that area. Enough to draw the attention of the news and changes to be made. I have not heard of an accident happening in that area in the last six years. That is not to say that there haven't been any, but that raises a question in my mind. HAVE there been any traffic "accidents" in that area in the last six years, and furthermore, have they resulted in the loss of FIVE YOUNG LIVES??
Shawn indicated that the dedication of that section of the highway was also done by MODOT, and NOT the City of Eureka. So they (the city and/or its representatives) have no right to act as if they had something to do with it. As if they were responsible for that act, and that it should be sufficient enough to smooth things over and make it acceptable for the crosses to be removed. Do they think that six years is enough time for family and friends to grieve over the losses? There is no time limit on grief. A part of me will always mourn the loss of their lives. And I'm not even a close relative, and it's no secret that I had gone months without talking to Angi before she called me the day before she died. So imagine what those even closer to the situation must be thinking, feeling, and grieving.
Those crosses need to be put back. It is a reminder to me personally of how short life can be. Of how in the blink of an eye, you could lose everything. We are not guaranteed another moment on this earth. We are not promised another breath. And those crosses are a somber reminder of not only the lives lost that day, but also that life is too short. Too short to hold grudges. Too short to treat people as if they don't matter. Too short to think that you'll have that chance, someday, to say goodbye or make amends.
I intend to do whatever I can to help ensure that those crosses are replaced. I am begging any of you who read this, or know and care about the Huckabas, or who want to help to PLEASE write or call the City of Eureka demanding that the crosses be put back where they rightfully belong!
I am not one to get up on a soap box (most of the time) but this is way too close to my heart and I refuse to sit by and watch it happen. It might be easy for someone who didn't know how amazing this family was, and how incredible the remaining family members ARE to think that the crosses may be inappropriate. They didn't have to live through the hell of the last six years that Angi's husband, son, parents, and other family and friends have experienced. But if anything, those crosses, beyond being a way to honor and remember the lives lost that day, have likely saved other lives in the last 6 years because of their presence and that is what I intend to tell the City of Eureka.
Yesterday, Shawn discovered that the crosses were missing. No one seemed to know why. Until today. Until Shawn got a letter from the city of Eureka. I did get his permission to share this letter here and after you are done reading it, I am asking you, pleading with you, if you know this family or live in the area, PLEASE take some sort of action to contact the city of Eureka. It is outrageous, what they are saying in the letter, and why they removed the crosses. It was heartless and in my opinion, just plain WRONG. This is the letter he received:
Mr. Huckaba:
The City has received a number of complaints regarding the crosses (mostly verbal, with a few in writing). The issues raised varied, including questioning the appropriateness of them being there and that they are distracting drivers. While there are likely many opinions regarding their appropriateness, having been placed on notice by numerous parties that the crosses are potentially causing drivers to be distracted while viewing them, the Board of Aldermen directed that they be removed. It would certainly be both tragic and ironic for there to be a traffic accident as a result of that which was erected following a traffic accident. The section of I-44 that was dedicated in honor of your family will of course remain as a memorial. We have retained the crosses, and will keep them for 30 days if you are interested in retrieving them. They are in a small wooden fenced area at the southwest corner of our building. You are welcome to retrieve them whenever you wish, including after business hours.
Regards,
Craig
______________________________
Craig E. Sabo
City Administrator
City of Eureka
100 City Hall Drive
P.O. Box 125
Eureka, MO 63025-0125
636-938-5233
636-938-4080 (FAX)
cesabo@eureka.mo.us
Are you kidding me???? First of all...it's absurd. The crosses, a distraction? Maybe. But not a BAD one. A distraction that screams for people to SLOW DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION BEHIND THE WHEEL! An entire family was lost that day and to remove the crosses because there have been some complaints is stupid at best, in comparison with what happened that day.
BEYOND THAT...I can't get over the wording in that letter. The part that said "It would certainly be both tragic and ironic for there to be a traffic accident as a result of that which was erected following a traffic accident." What happened that day was MORE than just a "traffic accident". And the inclusion of that statement is any number of things. Insensitive. Ignorant. Ridiculous. I'm infuriated! How many traffic accidents were there on that section of the highway BEFORE 7/28/05? I am uncertain of the number, but I remember reading the articles about all the accidents on that section of I-44 before that day. Enough that they lowered the speed limit through that area. Enough to draw the attention of the news and changes to be made. I have not heard of an accident happening in that area in the last six years. That is not to say that there haven't been any, but that raises a question in my mind. HAVE there been any traffic "accidents" in that area in the last six years, and furthermore, have they resulted in the loss of FIVE YOUNG LIVES??
Shawn indicated that the dedication of that section of the highway was also done by MODOT, and NOT the City of Eureka. So they (the city and/or its representatives) have no right to act as if they had something to do with it. As if they were responsible for that act, and that it should be sufficient enough to smooth things over and make it acceptable for the crosses to be removed. Do they think that six years is enough time for family and friends to grieve over the losses? There is no time limit on grief. A part of me will always mourn the loss of their lives. And I'm not even a close relative, and it's no secret that I had gone months without talking to Angi before she called me the day before she died. So imagine what those even closer to the situation must be thinking, feeling, and grieving.
Those crosses need to be put back. It is a reminder to me personally of how short life can be. Of how in the blink of an eye, you could lose everything. We are not guaranteed another moment on this earth. We are not promised another breath. And those crosses are a somber reminder of not only the lives lost that day, but also that life is too short. Too short to hold grudges. Too short to treat people as if they don't matter. Too short to think that you'll have that chance, someday, to say goodbye or make amends.
I intend to do whatever I can to help ensure that those crosses are replaced. I am begging any of you who read this, or know and care about the Huckabas, or who want to help to PLEASE write or call the City of Eureka demanding that the crosses be put back where they rightfully belong!
I am not one to get up on a soap box (most of the time) but this is way too close to my heart and I refuse to sit by and watch it happen. It might be easy for someone who didn't know how amazing this family was, and how incredible the remaining family members ARE to think that the crosses may be inappropriate. They didn't have to live through the hell of the last six years that Angi's husband, son, parents, and other family and friends have experienced. But if anything, those crosses, beyond being a way to honor and remember the lives lost that day, have likely saved other lives in the last 6 years because of their presence and that is what I intend to tell the City of Eureka.
Refreshed
Writing is cathartic. I know that for some people, writing is something foreign, or scary, or unimaginable. I don't think I could have survived these last 8 years without writing. I first began blogging in March of 2004. Kris and I had been married five years and it became my outlet. My way of dealing with what was a very crazy, chaotic and sometimes downright horrible time in my life. I had been married for almost five years. My children were 3, 2, and 1. Have you ever had children that were 3, 2, and 1? I wouldn't recommend it. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids. With this desperation that is beyond my understanding. HOWEVER...having that many children, that close together, almost guarantees a mental and emotional meltdown. Or mistakes. At the time that I started writing, I was very in tune with God and his leading in my life and was actively reading the Bible and writing about what I read.
Over that year, my blog began to change, along with my own change. Little did I know that four months into blogging my life itself would change in a dramatic way and I would push God to the back burner and make choices that have forever changed my life and shaped me into the woman that I am today. There are things that I have done, choices I made that threatened my heart, my marriage, my relationship with God, my family. On July 23, 2004 I wrote the following:
"Life has just been passing me by. I get through day to day, not really sure how. But I make it through. To say I've been unhappy lately would be an understatement. I've always heard that years 5-7 really can take a toll on marriages...guess we are finding that out."
As I am looking back through my old posts, one thing in particular stands out to me. MAN I WAS BORING! And then I stumbled upon this post, to close out the year of 2004 (which was also the same year that Kaleb began to manifest some disturbing behaviors for a 3 year old):
"I'm so glad Christmas is over and that this year is almost over. It sure has been chaotic, to say the least. Last week was filled with enough drama and trouble than we've had in a long time. In one week, we had a miscarriage, I got laryngitis and Abbey broke her collarbone (this was Christmas eve too). It has to get better, right? I feel like I am just floating through waiting for the storms to pass. Will they? I'm not so sure I want to start a new year. New years come with new problems and I've had enough to last me for quite some time."
I was a mess back then, to say the least. As you can see above, I had a miscarriage that Christmas, and then by the end of February, I was pregnant again (pregnancy #5 - our dear Olivia), my stomach bearing the bruises that come along with having a little unknown blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden, which requires 2 shots each day in the stomach, to prevent blood clots while pregnant.
I'm looking back over this and not really sure why I am sharing all of this. Perhaps it's because I have a lot of "new" readers and some of you don't know much of what I am sharing here. Also, I tend to just write what I am thinking, so apparently this is what I am thinking about at the moment.
I think I started writing all of that to come back to this verse that came into my head this morning, as I thought through yesterday and the emails and how heavy my heart was last night. Psalm 30:5 (NLT) "For his anger lasts only a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." I definitely found that to be true this morning!
Over that year, my blog began to change, along with my own change. Little did I know that four months into blogging my life itself would change in a dramatic way and I would push God to the back burner and make choices that have forever changed my life and shaped me into the woman that I am today. There are things that I have done, choices I made that threatened my heart, my marriage, my relationship with God, my family. On July 23, 2004 I wrote the following:
"Life has just been passing me by. I get through day to day, not really sure how. But I make it through. To say I've been unhappy lately would be an understatement. I've always heard that years 5-7 really can take a toll on marriages...guess we are finding that out."
As I am looking back through my old posts, one thing in particular stands out to me. MAN I WAS BORING! And then I stumbled upon this post, to close out the year of 2004 (which was also the same year that Kaleb began to manifest some disturbing behaviors for a 3 year old):
"I'm so glad Christmas is over and that this year is almost over. It sure has been chaotic, to say the least. Last week was filled with enough drama and trouble than we've had in a long time. In one week, we had a miscarriage, I got laryngitis and Abbey broke her collarbone (this was Christmas eve too). It has to get better, right? I feel like I am just floating through waiting for the storms to pass. Will they? I'm not so sure I want to start a new year. New years come with new problems and I've had enough to last me for quite some time."
I'm looking back over this and not really sure why I am sharing all of this. Perhaps it's because I have a lot of "new" readers and some of you don't know much of what I am sharing here. Also, I tend to just write what I am thinking, so apparently this is what I am thinking about at the moment.
I think I started writing all of that to come back to this verse that came into my head this morning, as I thought through yesterday and the emails and how heavy my heart was last night. Psalm 30:5 (NLT) "For his anger lasts only a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." I definitely found that to be true this morning!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Living with regret
I'm really struggling tonight. And let me just preface this with saying that I don't need a diagnosis. I am not looking for a "you're good enough" or "it's OK" or anything like that. I just need to "talk" tonight. I need to get this off my heart.
When you have done something wrong, and you never have a chance to make amends, you carry that with you. At least, crazy people like me do. I'm the queen of guilt. I STILL feel guilty about decisions I made when I was 15 years old, even though the two relationships that were fractured at that time have been rekindled and are very much a part of my life now. I will always wish that I could have done it differently. Said something differently. But am grateful that God gave me another chance with both of those relationships, when I deserved nothing better than for them to write me off completely. But like most people, all three of us grew up and matured and realized that life was too precious and too short to harbor resentment and hurt for years. I am truly blessed that Joey and Amanda are both back in my life and my heart swells with gratitude when I think about them, and it is just enough to keep me from bringing the guilt back in. Guilt that doesn't belong because I was young and stupid, and knew absolutely NOTHING really about God and the Bible and what it really means to have a relationship with Jesus. Back then it was "this is what the Bible says and that is how it is and if you don't follow the Bible then you're wrong". Man did I grow up quickly through that time in my life!
And yet, I'm still an idiot. And we all know how I feel about idiots.
The older I get, the more I realize how stupid people are when they are young.
You know, when you become a mother, it is only then that you realize more about your own mother and childhood and finally begin to understand what your own mother went through. I know this has been true for my life and how I viewed my childhood then, vs. the truth that I see from it now. It's only in retrospect that you can understand.
And oftentimes when you make a mistake that causes pain to someone else, it isn't as if you can just wave a wand and make the hurt disappear. Sometimes you don't even realize the amount of pain you have caused another person. And I have done my share of causing pain. And I carry guilt with me like a heavy burden. Yes, I know what the Bible says about that. I know that I don't HAVE to carry that guilt. But I do it anyway. I fee like I deserve to feel that guilt and I allow myself to feel it, because I am messed up and think that I NEED to feel that in order to somehow pay penance for my mistakes.
Back in college, I knew absolutely nothing. About life. About what real Christianity was about, for myself...about a real relationship with God. About friendships. About men. I grew up believing that I would never been pretty enough, never be smart enough, never be good enough for any man to ever love me. I'm now 32 years old and STILL battle those same beliefs, even though Kris has been by my side when other men would have left years ago. I can recognize now that those come from the enemy and myself, but it doesn't change the fact that I believe them. I didn't date in high school. I had a casual boyfriend here or there (maybe 4 or 5 all told). But never really went on a "real" date, except once. Before a school dance.
Boys scared me. Not for any reason beyond the fact that I was so insecure about myself and how to interact with them. Kissing a boy terrified me! I kid you not. I used to pray that God would show me who the right guy was for me...by bringing a guy into my life that I wasn't scared to kiss. I am sure it sounds ridiculous, and perhaps it was. But I was an insecure, teenage girl who didn't believe anyone could ever want to kiss me to begin with!
And I carried that with me to college. And for the first time in my life, during my freshman year of college, boys seemed to notice me. Not many. But a handful. And it was overwhelming, to say the least. I couldn't comprehend why in the world someone would be interested in ME. Remember...I had the thought that I would never be wanted, so this was very new to me.
For my birthday, in 1998, three friends took me out to dinner. One of them paid for my dinner, bought me long stem roses, accompanied by a poem, then took me to see a movie, which he also paid for. I got my first real taste of what a REAL date was, and understood that someone was interested in me. Here was the problem. I didn't want to date anyone at that time. I was getting over being hurt by another guy, and certainly not ready to invest more emotional energy into a relationship. And here was this man, treating me like every woman should be treated. And it wasn't that I wasn't grateful. What he did for me I actually carried with me and never really thanked him for.
In fact, I made matters worse by writing him a letter, telling him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, instead of having a face to face conversation, which was, at the very LEAST, what he deserved. He deserved a lot better than that. But I was 18, and an idiot. And nothing I say or do can change that. I was still learning about a relationship with God and what he was "calling" me to. So two weeks later when Kris came along, wanting to date me, and I suddenly found myself wanting the same thing and feeling like this was God's leading, I moved on. Because I was young and naive, it didn't even occur to me that I had really hurt this other guy. That I had never thanked him for treating me with such kindness and generosity. I felt bad that I told him I didn't want a relationship, then suddenly two weeks later I changed my mind. I know how it looked to him. I knew it then. I knew it looked like I was just brushing him off. Saying that is not true doesn't change how it appeared.
Why am I telling you all of this?
Because my heart hurts. Because I spent most of the night sobbing (when I wasn't working), feeling horrible about how I treated him. In retrospect, I know what I should have done. I know that he deserved better. I know that he is happily married now, as am I. And that it shouldn't still weigh on me like it does. But the truth is, it does. Not the fact that I didn't pursue a relationship with him. The fact that he deserved better than how I treated him. It's been 14 years. How am I still feeling so much pain over this? If you didn't know before now that I'm messed up, here's your introduction to the real me.
I don't like when I've done something that has hurt someone else, especially when they are so angry that I can't do anything to make it better. Nothing I say or do will change anything. And I guess that I am just hoping that by getting it out I can figure out a way to move on and stop carrying that guilt with me. Because I have finally been given an opportunity to apologize, and what he chooses to do with that is beyond my control. I am going to have to accept that he may think I am just full of hot air and may always see me as I know I see myself for how I treated him.
This isn't a good place for me to be...these types of scenarios are triggers for me, and the last thing I need right now is a trigger to that downward spiral. I have got to find a way to move past this and accept that I may never be forgiven by him and that it is OK. I can't allow myself to be consumed by it and allow it to control my emotions and my mental state of mind, which let's face it...isn't too great right now considering where we are at financially, with our jobs, the kids, etc...
I just needed to get that out.
When you have done something wrong, and you never have a chance to make amends, you carry that with you. At least, crazy people like me do. I'm the queen of guilt. I STILL feel guilty about decisions I made when I was 15 years old, even though the two relationships that were fractured at that time have been rekindled and are very much a part of my life now. I will always wish that I could have done it differently. Said something differently. But am grateful that God gave me another chance with both of those relationships, when I deserved nothing better than for them to write me off completely. But like most people, all three of us grew up and matured and realized that life was too precious and too short to harbor resentment and hurt for years. I am truly blessed that Joey and Amanda are both back in my life and my heart swells with gratitude when I think about them, and it is just enough to keep me from bringing the guilt back in. Guilt that doesn't belong because I was young and stupid, and knew absolutely NOTHING really about God and the Bible and what it really means to have a relationship with Jesus. Back then it was "this is what the Bible says and that is how it is and if you don't follow the Bible then you're wrong". Man did I grow up quickly through that time in my life!
And yet, I'm still an idiot. And we all know how I feel about idiots.
The older I get, the more I realize how stupid people are when they are young.
You know, when you become a mother, it is only then that you realize more about your own mother and childhood and finally begin to understand what your own mother went through. I know this has been true for my life and how I viewed my childhood then, vs. the truth that I see from it now. It's only in retrospect that you can understand.
And oftentimes when you make a mistake that causes pain to someone else, it isn't as if you can just wave a wand and make the hurt disappear. Sometimes you don't even realize the amount of pain you have caused another person. And I have done my share of causing pain. And I carry guilt with me like a heavy burden. Yes, I know what the Bible says about that. I know that I don't HAVE to carry that guilt. But I do it anyway. I fee like I deserve to feel that guilt and I allow myself to feel it, because I am messed up and think that I NEED to feel that in order to somehow pay penance for my mistakes.
Back in college, I knew absolutely nothing. About life. About what real Christianity was about, for myself...about a real relationship with God. About friendships. About men. I grew up believing that I would never been pretty enough, never be smart enough, never be good enough for any man to ever love me. I'm now 32 years old and STILL battle those same beliefs, even though Kris has been by my side when other men would have left years ago. I can recognize now that those come from the enemy and myself, but it doesn't change the fact that I believe them. I didn't date in high school. I had a casual boyfriend here or there (maybe 4 or 5 all told). But never really went on a "real" date, except once. Before a school dance.
Boys scared me. Not for any reason beyond the fact that I was so insecure about myself and how to interact with them. Kissing a boy terrified me! I kid you not. I used to pray that God would show me who the right guy was for me...by bringing a guy into my life that I wasn't scared to kiss. I am sure it sounds ridiculous, and perhaps it was. But I was an insecure, teenage girl who didn't believe anyone could ever want to kiss me to begin with!
And I carried that with me to college. And for the first time in my life, during my freshman year of college, boys seemed to notice me. Not many. But a handful. And it was overwhelming, to say the least. I couldn't comprehend why in the world someone would be interested in ME. Remember...I had the thought that I would never be wanted, so this was very new to me.
For my birthday, in 1998, three friends took me out to dinner. One of them paid for my dinner, bought me long stem roses, accompanied by a poem, then took me to see a movie, which he also paid for. I got my first real taste of what a REAL date was, and understood that someone was interested in me. Here was the problem. I didn't want to date anyone at that time. I was getting over being hurt by another guy, and certainly not ready to invest more emotional energy into a relationship. And here was this man, treating me like every woman should be treated. And it wasn't that I wasn't grateful. What he did for me I actually carried with me and never really thanked him for.
In fact, I made matters worse by writing him a letter, telling him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, instead of having a face to face conversation, which was, at the very LEAST, what he deserved. He deserved a lot better than that. But I was 18, and an idiot. And nothing I say or do can change that. I was still learning about a relationship with God and what he was "calling" me to. So two weeks later when Kris came along, wanting to date me, and I suddenly found myself wanting the same thing and feeling like this was God's leading, I moved on. Because I was young and naive, it didn't even occur to me that I had really hurt this other guy. That I had never thanked him for treating me with such kindness and generosity. I felt bad that I told him I didn't want a relationship, then suddenly two weeks later I changed my mind. I know how it looked to him. I knew it then. I knew it looked like I was just brushing him off. Saying that is not true doesn't change how it appeared.
Why am I telling you all of this?
Because my heart hurts. Because I spent most of the night sobbing (when I wasn't working), feeling horrible about how I treated him. In retrospect, I know what I should have done. I know that he deserved better. I know that he is happily married now, as am I. And that it shouldn't still weigh on me like it does. But the truth is, it does. Not the fact that I didn't pursue a relationship with him. The fact that he deserved better than how I treated him. It's been 14 years. How am I still feeling so much pain over this? If you didn't know before now that I'm messed up, here's your introduction to the real me.
I don't like when I've done something that has hurt someone else, especially when they are so angry that I can't do anything to make it better. Nothing I say or do will change anything. And I guess that I am just hoping that by getting it out I can figure out a way to move on and stop carrying that guilt with me. Because I have finally been given an opportunity to apologize, and what he chooses to do with that is beyond my control. I am going to have to accept that he may think I am just full of hot air and may always see me as I know I see myself for how I treated him.
This isn't a good place for me to be...these types of scenarios are triggers for me, and the last thing I need right now is a trigger to that downward spiral. I have got to find a way to move past this and accept that I may never be forgiven by him and that it is OK. I can't allow myself to be consumed by it and allow it to control my emotions and my mental state of mind, which let's face it...isn't too great right now considering where we are at financially, with our jobs, the kids, etc...
I just needed to get that out.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
People will be people
Sometimes I just don't understand people. Especially people that don't think the same way that I do. Which is most people. Because most people aren't as jaded and cynical as I am. Most people aren't pessimistic about almost every aspect of life! There are people I DO understand though. Jennifer Y. My identical twin. We can literally think on the same wave length, MOST of the time. We have been able to support one another through some tough times and celebrate joys together. And we haven't known each other for years and years, and I look forward to growing old with her-in a totally heterosexual way, of course! She's my bosom friend. As I have said before, we are Anne and Dianna. And I think we always will be. And I love everything about Jennifer and our friendship.
My other forever friend is Natalia, who keeps reminding me that I promised to put her in my blog!!! Natalia, this portion is for you! I love you! I love your carefree spirit. Your kind heart. Your love for your family. I love how you make me laugh and you bring out the "crazy" in me. Or at least, make me think about letting the crazy out and you make me go OUT when I just want to take my muscle relaxer and go to sleep. That night we went out was one of my favorite nights, so thank you! I'm SO glad I met you this summer, at that conference we went to for our night jobs, which are NOT as prostitutes, I'd like to keep emphasizing. I love having your support in my business and life and I think you're pretty awesome! Happy now? And all of that was straight from my heart!! Truly...I'm so glad we met.
And then...there are other people. I'm not going to get into the home school/public school debate again. But most of you remember all of that drama...
This time...it's about what makes you a good mother. What makes you BETTER than other mothers. There is an easy answer. NOTHING! Nothing makes one mother better than another. Sure...there are the crazies...the Susan Smiths who can't cope with their lives any longer, and their children suffer and die at their hands.
However...when we're talking about parenting in general, I think that it is completely unfair to look at yourself or your life situation and think that you have it harder than anyone else in the world. Simply based off of your spouse's job.
Let me back up. I reconnected recently with a friend on Facebook. It's what we do these days. I simply wanted to wish this person well, congratulate him on his beautiful wife and daughters. I gave him a brief update of Kris and the kids and made a general statement that marriage and raising children was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but has been very rewarding.
And suddenly, I'm staring down the barrel of a military wife's rifle. At first, I tried to keep my wits about me. I tried not to get indignant and to not take it personally. Because my dear friend Jennifer is a military wife, and would tell me if I was just overreacting without hesitation, I shared the dialogue with her and she agreed with me that the reaction I got was a little...unwarranted. Now, keep in mind that all I wanted to do was tell her husband hi and congratulations!
This is what I said:
"Marriage and raising kids is about the hardest thing(s) I've ever done...but I wouldn't trade it for anything, especially the kids! I'm glad you are doing well and thrilled to hear about your wife and your family! And you're in the military? Did I read that correctly?"
This is her response:
"The hardest thing I have ever done is giving up my husband for the country he loves. I sit home alone and raise two kids alone so he can save lives. Being a normal wife and mother is EASY I think. My kids go with out there dad a lot for holidays and birthdays and school plays. I think people who bitch about there life being hard should come walk a mile in my shoes u will see hard. This life is not an easy life or a life style for everyone."
It took me some time to formulate a response that was kind and not defensive. I responded with this:
" I know that I am NOT a woman who could be strong enough (or selfless enough, cause I'm extremely selfish) to be a military wife/mom. I admire those that can. Though I am not sure anyone is a "normal" wife/mom and we all face hardships that can seem devastating to us even if they don't appear to be to those who give their husbands up to serve this country."
And I was going to leave it there. I wasn't sure if she would respond or not, but I wanted to let her know that I completely respected what she has to endure and that there is no way I would be able to be a military wife - that's the one area where Jennifer and I differ. She's awesome at it. I would HATE it. I really am very selfish and I would struggle to raise our four children on my own, as several hours alone with the Little Bishops can terrify me sometimes! I know that when you are in a position where you are the only one, you do what you have to do, and so I would get through it. But I can tell you this...if I were a military wife, I certainly would NEVER, EVER imply to any other mother that I was BETTER than her or that my life was HARDER because I raised my kids alone and could at any moment lose my husband as he was off at war. Any of us could lose our husband and while dying for your country is an extremely honorable way to die, it is no less devastating to lose a spouse in another way.
So many thoughts spinning through my head - I'm trying to decide which one to express first. I think that the men (and women) who serve our country are amazing and words cannot express my gratitude to those who put their lives on the line to secure my freedom, and freedom for my family. Please understand that I have the utmost respect for those who serve in the military.
That being said, I also have a high respect for single moms, or single dads. Whether their spouses have chosen to leave them alone, or whether death has pulled them away from their families. The way that they have to juggle life and finances...in addition to dealing with that kind of loss...I cannot fathom it.
And then there are those parents who have lost a child. No parent should have to lose a child. EVER. Whether via miscarriage, never having the chance to meet their unborn child (like Kris and I experienced almost 7 years ago) or after the child has been born, due to cancer or other diseases/accidents. Shawn Huckaba, losing his wife and two youngest sons in a horrific car accident 6 years ago...HE has had a hard life. If you ask me, HIS life has been harder than a military mom any day...but you didn't ask me, so I'm just going to keep my opinion to myself!
Does the military wife and mother still "WIN" after those scenarios? Is her life still harder? I never once thought my life was harder than hers, or implied that it was. But Kris and I have had hardships in our life and our marriage and I know how very blessed I am that Livvy's health problems are so incredibly minor compared to what other parents have to endure. I JUST WANTED TO TELL AN OLD FRIEND HELLO!!
So, all that being said...
There were two other comments that were made AFTER my non-confrontational response. One from the wife and one from a friend of hers, also a military wife. They are as follows:
"Nothing is more Devastating then the unknown well being of your spouse at war. I don't wanna hear oh well blah blah about your "normal" shit i am telling u as some one who has been a "normal" mom/wife nothing is harder then being a military spouse. sure u have may have hardship but nothing like mine."
and...the friend...
"I totaly agree with you (*name has been removed out of respect*)! The toughest job is being a military wife and mother. WE are the ones who deal with EVERYTHING from the kids to the car. We can't always depend on our spouse like most people. When (*name change again*) was deployed, everything and anything went wrong...I had to deal with it! I couldn't call Iraq and say, "could you send my hubby home or can you put him on the phone?" WE ARE THE STRONGEST WOMEN/MOTHERS! I would like to see any normal spouse walk a mile in our shoes!"
I showed all of this to Kris and told him that looking back on the last 12 years of our marriage and some of the things we have gone through personally, as a couple and with our four children and losing a fifth baby, that I WOULD like to trade one of them places, if they want to see how easy my life is. You guys don't know the details of my marriage and the ins and outs of things that we have gone through and dealt with. I share some here...more to do with the kids...and some would say I share more than I should. But like with every relationship...it's that whole "If you only knew..."
I don't know. It made me want to cry. Being judged like that. Being told that I was "bitching" (sorry, her words, not mine) about how hard my life was and how much harder her life is because she is married to a man in the military. Why do people do that? Why are people like that? I just don't understand it. I keep talking to Kris about it (who very often is my filter, because let's face it-I need it sometimes!) and he just said "You didn't say anything that was out of line." And I said "I KNOW!" And if Kris thinks I was not inappropriate, you can pretty much know that I was not.
I really hope that I have not offended ANYONE who is in the military or married to someone in the military (or anyone else). I respect you. I truly do. But it is wrong for anyone to tell me that what I go through on a day to day basis is EASY compared to what they go through. No one knows exactly what my life is like. No one knows what people go through minute by minute. I just cannot imagine taking that attitude or having that mindset towards ANYONE. I don't think that my life is harder than those who live a military lifestyle. And I don't think it's easier either, because we all face our own demons and battles and struggles. Like my dear friend Jennifer (military wife and mother) said, "Their job of being a wife and mother is not more difficult than anyone else's, just different." She had some other comforting words too that I love her dearly for but will keep us both out of trouble by not sharing!
*sigh* - that's it...I just needed to get it out...
My other forever friend is Natalia, who keeps reminding me that I promised to put her in my blog!!! Natalia, this portion is for you! I love you! I love your carefree spirit. Your kind heart. Your love for your family. I love how you make me laugh and you bring out the "crazy" in me. Or at least, make me think about letting the crazy out and you make me go OUT when I just want to take my muscle relaxer and go to sleep. That night we went out was one of my favorite nights, so thank you! I'm SO glad I met you this summer, at that conference we went to for our night jobs, which are NOT as prostitutes, I'd like to keep emphasizing. I love having your support in my business and life and I think you're pretty awesome! Happy now? And all of that was straight from my heart!! Truly...I'm so glad we met.
And then...there are other people. I'm not going to get into the home school/public school debate again. But most of you remember all of that drama...
This time...it's about what makes you a good mother. What makes you BETTER than other mothers. There is an easy answer. NOTHING! Nothing makes one mother better than another. Sure...there are the crazies...the Susan Smiths who can't cope with their lives any longer, and their children suffer and die at their hands.
However...when we're talking about parenting in general, I think that it is completely unfair to look at yourself or your life situation and think that you have it harder than anyone else in the world. Simply based off of your spouse's job.
Let me back up. I reconnected recently with a friend on Facebook. It's what we do these days. I simply wanted to wish this person well, congratulate him on his beautiful wife and daughters. I gave him a brief update of Kris and the kids and made a general statement that marriage and raising children was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but has been very rewarding.
And suddenly, I'm staring down the barrel of a military wife's rifle. At first, I tried to keep my wits about me. I tried not to get indignant and to not take it personally. Because my dear friend Jennifer is a military wife, and would tell me if I was just overreacting without hesitation, I shared the dialogue with her and she agreed with me that the reaction I got was a little...unwarranted. Now, keep in mind that all I wanted to do was tell her husband hi and congratulations!
This is what I said:
"Marriage and raising kids is about the hardest thing(s) I've ever done...but I wouldn't trade it for anything, especially the kids! I'm glad you are doing well and thrilled to hear about your wife and your family! And you're in the military? Did I read that correctly?"
This is her response:
"The hardest thing I have ever done is giving up my husband for the country he loves. I sit home alone and raise two kids alone so he can save lives. Being a normal wife and mother is EASY I think. My kids go with out there dad a lot for holidays and birthdays and school plays. I think people who bitch about there life being hard should come walk a mile in my shoes u will see hard. This life is not an easy life or a life style for everyone."
It took me some time to formulate a response that was kind and not defensive. I responded with this:
" I know that I am NOT a woman who could be strong enough (or selfless enough, cause I'm extremely selfish) to be a military wife/mom. I admire those that can. Though I am not sure anyone is a "normal" wife/mom and we all face hardships that can seem devastating to us even if they don't appear to be to those who give their husbands up to serve this country."
And I was going to leave it there. I wasn't sure if she would respond or not, but I wanted to let her know that I completely respected what she has to endure and that there is no way I would be able to be a military wife - that's the one area where Jennifer and I differ. She's awesome at it. I would HATE it. I really am very selfish and I would struggle to raise our four children on my own, as several hours alone with the Little Bishops can terrify me sometimes! I know that when you are in a position where you are the only one, you do what you have to do, and so I would get through it. But I can tell you this...if I were a military wife, I certainly would NEVER, EVER imply to any other mother that I was BETTER than her or that my life was HARDER because I raised my kids alone and could at any moment lose my husband as he was off at war. Any of us could lose our husband and while dying for your country is an extremely honorable way to die, it is no less devastating to lose a spouse in another way.
So many thoughts spinning through my head - I'm trying to decide which one to express first. I think that the men (and women) who serve our country are amazing and words cannot express my gratitude to those who put their lives on the line to secure my freedom, and freedom for my family. Please understand that I have the utmost respect for those who serve in the military.
That being said, I also have a high respect for single moms, or single dads. Whether their spouses have chosen to leave them alone, or whether death has pulled them away from their families. The way that they have to juggle life and finances...in addition to dealing with that kind of loss...I cannot fathom it.
And then there are those parents who have lost a child. No parent should have to lose a child. EVER. Whether via miscarriage, never having the chance to meet their unborn child (like Kris and I experienced almost 7 years ago) or after the child has been born, due to cancer or other diseases/accidents. Shawn Huckaba, losing his wife and two youngest sons in a horrific car accident 6 years ago...HE has had a hard life. If you ask me, HIS life has been harder than a military mom any day...but you didn't ask me, so I'm just going to keep my opinion to myself!
Does the military wife and mother still "WIN" after those scenarios? Is her life still harder? I never once thought my life was harder than hers, or implied that it was. But Kris and I have had hardships in our life and our marriage and I know how very blessed I am that Livvy's health problems are so incredibly minor compared to what other parents have to endure. I JUST WANTED TO TELL AN OLD FRIEND HELLO!!
So, all that being said...
There were two other comments that were made AFTER my non-confrontational response. One from the wife and one from a friend of hers, also a military wife. They are as follows:
"Nothing is more Devastating then the unknown well being of your spouse at war. I don't wanna hear oh well blah blah about your "normal" shit i am telling u as some one who has been a "normal" mom/wife nothing is harder then being a military spouse. sure u have may have hardship but nothing like mine."
and...the friend...
"I totaly agree with you (*name has been removed out of respect*)! The toughest job is being a military wife and mother. WE are the ones who deal with EVERYTHING from the kids to the car. We can't always depend on our spouse like most people. When (*name change again*) was deployed, everything and anything went wrong...I had to deal with it! I couldn't call Iraq and say, "could you send my hubby home or can you put him on the phone?" WE ARE THE STRONGEST WOMEN/MOTHERS! I would like to see any normal spouse walk a mile in our shoes!"
I showed all of this to Kris and told him that looking back on the last 12 years of our marriage and some of the things we have gone through personally, as a couple and with our four children and losing a fifth baby, that I WOULD like to trade one of them places, if they want to see how easy my life is. You guys don't know the details of my marriage and the ins and outs of things that we have gone through and dealt with. I share some here...more to do with the kids...and some would say I share more than I should. But like with every relationship...it's that whole "If you only knew..."
I don't know. It made me want to cry. Being judged like that. Being told that I was "bitching" (sorry, her words, not mine) about how hard my life was and how much harder her life is because she is married to a man in the military. Why do people do that? Why are people like that? I just don't understand it. I keep talking to Kris about it (who very often is my filter, because let's face it-I need it sometimes!) and he just said "You didn't say anything that was out of line." And I said "I KNOW!" And if Kris thinks I was not inappropriate, you can pretty much know that I was not.
I really hope that I have not offended ANYONE who is in the military or married to someone in the military (or anyone else). I respect you. I truly do. But it is wrong for anyone to tell me that what I go through on a day to day basis is EASY compared to what they go through. No one knows exactly what my life is like. No one knows what people go through minute by minute. I just cannot imagine taking that attitude or having that mindset towards ANYONE. I don't think that my life is harder than those who live a military lifestyle. And I don't think it's easier either, because we all face our own demons and battles and struggles. Like my dear friend Jennifer (military wife and mother) said, "Their job of being a wife and mother is not more difficult than anyone else's, just different." She had some other comforting words too that I love her dearly for but will keep us both out of trouble by not sharing!
*sigh* - that's it...I just needed to get it out...
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
A story from Katherine
Katherine is SO much like me. Sometimes it is scary. Other times, it's pretty awesome. She's witty and sarcastic, and most of the time, I love this about her. She also loves to laugh about the funny things that Abbey or Olivia say and do. As soon as she got in the van today after school, she said "I need to write down what Olivia did today before I forget." I said "Write it down now and then tell me about it, so you don't forget."
When we got home, after finishing her "story" on paper, Katherine handed a paper to me, detailing an encounter she had at school today with Olivia. The following is Katherine's story.
Today, the kindergartners were running and my class had to help them and make sure they didn't cut through the middle of the soccer field. I was running with Olivia. The first lap when we were just walking, we only ran about a quarter of the field when Olivia asked "Why can't we just go that way?" and pointed to the middle of the field where she would've cut through. Then when we got a little bit further she picked up a feather. I told her it could have rabies and make her sick. When she refused, I snatched it out of her hand and threw it on the ground. Then she ran back and picked it up. I told her again that it could have diseases and snatched it away from her again. She gave up and said, "Aww...it reminded me of a blue butterfly" when it was a grey and white feather. We walked a little more and she said her legs hurt. Then she saw some boys coming and said "Ahh! Boys! Run!" and started running.
---
Things I find amusing:
Olivia wanted to cut through the very soccer field the fifth graders were trying to prevent them from cutting through.
The feather that reminded Olivia of a blue butterfly was really just a grey and white feather.
Olivia said her legs hurt - she ALWAYS says this whenever we go more than, oh, 10 feet.
That Katherine remembered and wrote down this story for me, because she knew how much I would love it.
When we got home, after finishing her "story" on paper, Katherine handed a paper to me, detailing an encounter she had at school today with Olivia. The following is Katherine's story.
Today, the kindergartners were running and my class had to help them and make sure they didn't cut through the middle of the soccer field. I was running with Olivia. The first lap when we were just walking, we only ran about a quarter of the field when Olivia asked "Why can't we just go that way?" and pointed to the middle of the field where she would've cut through. Then when we got a little bit further she picked up a feather. I told her it could have rabies and make her sick. When she refused, I snatched it out of her hand and threw it on the ground. Then she ran back and picked it up. I told her again that it could have diseases and snatched it away from her again. She gave up and said, "Aww...it reminded me of a blue butterfly" when it was a grey and white feather. We walked a little more and she said her legs hurt. Then she saw some boys coming and said "Ahh! Boys! Run!" and started running.
---
Things I find amusing:
Olivia wanted to cut through the very soccer field the fifth graders were trying to prevent them from cutting through.
The feather that reminded Olivia of a blue butterfly was really just a grey and white feather.
Olivia said her legs hurt - she ALWAYS says this whenever we go more than, oh, 10 feet.
That Katherine remembered and wrote down this story for me, because she knew how much I would love it.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Moving On
FIRST AND FOREMOST, I'd like to say Happy Birthday to my mom. I think she is 39 today. Or was it 37? I can never remember. Love you mom!
I finished Something Borrowed two days ago. Essentially, I read it in 2.5 days. Suffice it to say, I liked it. It was well-written, funny, heartwarming, romantic but not mushy. It was a great book. It was a bit of a surprise to me to find that there is another book, called Something Blue, that includes some of the same characters from Something Borrowed, so I will be eager to find and read that as well.
I began Water For Elephants yesterday and am 1/4th of the way through it. It also is well-written and the story is interesting, or I'd have trouble continuing to read it. My friend Michelle, our local Macaroni Kid publisher, loaned me Heaven Is For Real. While I haven't read it yet, my soon-to-be 11 year old, Katherine picked it up that day and finished it the next night! Apparently she saw it on her teacher's desk and asked her teacher what it was about. When she saw I had it, she said "Oh I was wanting to read that!" I love that ALL of the kids have a passion for reading. Kaleb is secretive about his, and if he found out that I told you this, he would adamantly refuse to read for the next year! So don't tell him that I said he loves to read! ;-)
Going back to the title of this post, have you ever found yourself at a crossroads? A point in your life where you know that you have to make a choice? I'm not talking about a decision on whether you should or should not have bacon for dinner for the fifth night in a row, though that does rank pretty high for me. I'm talking about the real heavy stuff. Life changing decisions. Depending on the path you choose, you won't always know for sure if you have made the right decision or not until you've chosen the direction.
For Christians, you would think that this would make the decision-making process easier. I can assure you it does not. Especially when the decision you have to make comes to topics like change, surrender, trust. What if the decision is to stop holding back and surrender whatever it is that you are holding onto so tightly? What if it is something that will physically cause you pain to let go of? What if the consequences of making a change or choosing to trust God with ALL of you is hard? I don't know about you, but I HATE hard. I hate making choices that will cause pain (primarily to myself, as I am admittedly very selfish) or will leave me in emotional turmoil. Even if you know that the end result will be worth it, it doesn't make surrendering any easier. And when you are unsure of whether it will be worth it, it makes it even harder.
I don't know that I have ever really trusted God with ALL of me. I'm talking about those things that shape who I am, or at least, who I THINK that I am. I'm very insecure. I need praise. I am extremely self-conscious and not very confident in many areas of my life. And I have never learned how to "go to God" for security in those things. I have never really surrendered the things I hate about myself to God. Some of what I am thinking about has to do with physical attributes. Some is emotional. I know that I have a flawed view of myself. That I don't see myself the way that God sees me, and that I most certainly do not see myself the way that Kris may see me. You see, even now, I can't say with certainty that I really know how Kris sees me. He's a good, good man. But he has trouble expressing himself. You combine that with my need to HEAR how he feels about me, and my 32 year inability to surrender that to God and we have a problem.
This has been weighing on me a lot lately. I'm going to a women's retreat this weekend, which is so NOT my "cup of tea". I've been dreading it actually, ever since Kris suggested that I go; then he had the nerve to go ahead and PAY for me to go, so I had no choice. I have a few friends that are going, which so far is my only solace. The fact that Beth Moore is somehow involved leaves me leery. I have issues with Beth Moore. Not her theology. Not her books per se. I just clash with her (i.e. she annoys me) and so I'm not fond of her studies and the like. But I'm sucking it up and going anyway, primarily at the urging of Kris (and the fact that he paid for it) and my relentless friend Kim, who shall remain nameless. Oops.
I don't know what the weekend will hold for me. But I feel like I am at this crossroads where I have to choose NOW, before the retreat, whether or not I am going to surrender that part of my life that I cling to so dearly. It may sound absurd, but something is stirring within me...and I know with certainty that a choice has to be made. And it terrifies me. It could change everything. And I don't like change. I feel like ending this here just leaves everything hanging in the balance. But that's how I am feeling and so I think it is only appropriate.
I finished Something Borrowed two days ago. Essentially, I read it in 2.5 days. Suffice it to say, I liked it. It was well-written, funny, heartwarming, romantic but not mushy. It was a great book. It was a bit of a surprise to me to find that there is another book, called Something Blue, that includes some of the same characters from Something Borrowed, so I will be eager to find and read that as well.
I began Water For Elephants yesterday and am 1/4th of the way through it. It also is well-written and the story is interesting, or I'd have trouble continuing to read it. My friend Michelle, our local Macaroni Kid publisher, loaned me Heaven Is For Real. While I haven't read it yet, my soon-to-be 11 year old, Katherine picked it up that day and finished it the next night! Apparently she saw it on her teacher's desk and asked her teacher what it was about. When she saw I had it, she said "Oh I was wanting to read that!" I love that ALL of the kids have a passion for reading. Kaleb is secretive about his, and if he found out that I told you this, he would adamantly refuse to read for the next year! So don't tell him that I said he loves to read! ;-)
Going back to the title of this post, have you ever found yourself at a crossroads? A point in your life where you know that you have to make a choice? I'm not talking about a decision on whether you should or should not have bacon for dinner for the fifth night in a row, though that does rank pretty high for me. I'm talking about the real heavy stuff. Life changing decisions. Depending on the path you choose, you won't always know for sure if you have made the right decision or not until you've chosen the direction.
For Christians, you would think that this would make the decision-making process easier. I can assure you it does not. Especially when the decision you have to make comes to topics like change, surrender, trust. What if the decision is to stop holding back and surrender whatever it is that you are holding onto so tightly? What if it is something that will physically cause you pain to let go of? What if the consequences of making a change or choosing to trust God with ALL of you is hard? I don't know about you, but I HATE hard. I hate making choices that will cause pain (primarily to myself, as I am admittedly very selfish) or will leave me in emotional turmoil. Even if you know that the end result will be worth it, it doesn't make surrendering any easier. And when you are unsure of whether it will be worth it, it makes it even harder.
I don't know that I have ever really trusted God with ALL of me. I'm talking about those things that shape who I am, or at least, who I THINK that I am. I'm very insecure. I need praise. I am extremely self-conscious and not very confident in many areas of my life. And I have never learned how to "go to God" for security in those things. I have never really surrendered the things I hate about myself to God. Some of what I am thinking about has to do with physical attributes. Some is emotional. I know that I have a flawed view of myself. That I don't see myself the way that God sees me, and that I most certainly do not see myself the way that Kris may see me. You see, even now, I can't say with certainty that I really know how Kris sees me. He's a good, good man. But he has trouble expressing himself. You combine that with my need to HEAR how he feels about me, and my 32 year inability to surrender that to God and we have a problem.
This has been weighing on me a lot lately. I'm going to a women's retreat this weekend, which is so NOT my "cup of tea". I've been dreading it actually, ever since Kris suggested that I go; then he had the nerve to go ahead and PAY for me to go, so I had no choice. I have a few friends that are going, which so far is my only solace. The fact that Beth Moore is somehow involved leaves me leery. I have issues with Beth Moore. Not her theology. Not her books per se. I just clash with her (i.e. she annoys me) and so I'm not fond of her studies and the like. But I'm sucking it up and going anyway, primarily at the urging of Kris (and the fact that he paid for it) and my relentless friend Kim, who shall remain nameless. Oops.
I don't know what the weekend will hold for me. But I feel like I am at this crossroads where I have to choose NOW, before the retreat, whether or not I am going to surrender that part of my life that I cling to so dearly. It may sound absurd, but something is stirring within me...and I know with certainty that a choice has to be made. And it terrifies me. It could change everything. And I don't like change. I feel like ending this here just leaves everything hanging in the balance. But that's how I am feeling and so I think it is only appropriate.
Friday, September 9, 2011
BOOKS
Now that I am home and find myself with a little more time on my hands, I realized that I could read actual books again, along with listening to them. Right now, while I am waiting for the last book in The Wheel of Time Series to be completed, I have started the Pendragon Cycle with Kris, by Stephen Lawhead. These books are in the "fantasy" category - but are semi-hisotrical, and based on the legend of Arthur.
There are five books in the series:
Taliesin
Merlin
Arthur
Pendragon
Grail
*Avalon (not a true member of the cycle-more like a sequel to the series)
I finished Taliesin, and have moved on to Merlin, and am 1/3 of the way through it. Since starting Merlin on Tuesday and realizing how much I could "listen" to, it prompted a trip to the library.
So far, I have started "Something Borrowed" (because I loved the movie and it is due back in one week, vs. two, since it's "new"). I also have Jodi Picoult's "Sing You Home" and Sara Gruen's "Water For Elephants". We'll see if I make it through all three in the next 2 weeks. Along with finishing Merlin. I figure I will keep listening to Merlin while I am driving places or cleaning and read the others when I am home.
There are five books in the series:
Taliesin
Merlin
Arthur
Pendragon
Grail
*Avalon (not a true member of the cycle-more like a sequel to the series)
I finished Taliesin, and have moved on to Merlin, and am 1/3 of the way through it. Since starting Merlin on Tuesday and realizing how much I could "listen" to, it prompted a trip to the library.
So far, I have started "Something Borrowed" (because I loved the movie and it is due back in one week, vs. two, since it's "new"). I also have Jodi Picoult's "Sing You Home" and Sara Gruen's "Water For Elephants". We'll see if I make it through all three in the next 2 weeks. Along with finishing Merlin. I figure I will keep listening to Merlin while I am driving places or cleaning and read the others when I am home.
What are you currently reading? What is your favorite book (or three) of all time?
Friday, September 2, 2011
The house that wouldn't clean
I'm sitting here...willing my house to clean itself. No amount of kinetic energy or strong desire is working. I fear that it may be up to me to take charge and do it myself. I'm very disappointed in you, house. I thought you were like a child. When left unsupervised, as you have been for four years, I expected you to get distracted. But now, as I am watching you, urging you to straighten up and put things away, you are refusing to cooperate. Don't you understand that I want to go into the weekend with a clean house? Why are you being so stubborn? Must I do all the work?
Ok seriously stay/work-at-home moms...how do you find the motivation? I was able to force myself last night to clean the kitchen, but not to the extent of organizing the refrigerator or the cabinets which needs to be done. And still I sit here, staring, NAY...glaring at the living room floor completely covered with anything and everything, including baskets of perfectly clean yet very wrinkled laundry, and I'm overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin.
I know if I just light my autumn walk candle and turn the music up loud and just get started, it'll get done...but alas...I just can't seem to make myself do it. Does anyone else experience this or am I just lazy?
Why can't I be anal about this, like I was with my job?
Ok seriously stay/work-at-home moms...how do you find the motivation? I was able to force myself last night to clean the kitchen, but not to the extent of organizing the refrigerator or the cabinets which needs to be done. And still I sit here, staring, NAY...glaring at the living room floor completely covered with anything and everything, including baskets of perfectly clean yet very wrinkled laundry, and I'm overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin.
I know if I just light my autumn walk candle and turn the music up loud and just get started, it'll get done...but alas...I just can't seem to make myself do it. Does anyone else experience this or am I just lazy?
Why can't I be anal about this, like I was with my job?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Massage
So I'm sitting here at my friend Faith's house, in a massage chair her dad apparently bought. A really good massage chair. I do not want to move. I may have to come over here after dropping my kids off every day now.
And now that I have a better phone I'm also seeing if I can get the Blogger app to actually work. Let's test it now, shall we?
Apparently it actually does work a lot better! This may open up a whole new world of possibilities for instantly capturing all those funny things my kids say!
And now that I have a better phone I'm also seeing if I can get the Blogger app to actually work. Let's test it now, shall we?
Apparently it actually does work a lot better! This may open up a whole new world of possibilities for instantly capturing all those funny things my kids say!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)