Living with regret

I'm really struggling tonight.  And let me just preface this with saying that I don't need a diagnosis.  I am not looking for a "you're good enough" or "it's OK" or anything like that.  I just need to "talk" tonight.  I need to get this off my heart.

When you have done something wrong, and you never have a chance to make amends, you carry that with you.  At least, crazy people like me do.  I'm the queen of guilt.  I STILL feel guilty about decisions I made when I was 15 years old, even though the two relationships that were fractured at that time have been rekindled and are very much a part of my life now.  I will always wish that I could have done it differently.  Said something differently.  But am grateful that God gave me another chance with both of those relationships, when I deserved nothing better than for them to write me off completely.  But like most people, all three of us grew up and matured and realized that life was too precious and too short to harbor resentment and hurt for years.  I am truly blessed that Joey and Amanda are both back in my life and my heart swells with gratitude when I think about them, and it is just enough to keep me from bringing the guilt back in.  Guilt that doesn't belong because I was young and stupid, and knew absolutely NOTHING really about God and the Bible and what it really means to have a relationship with Jesus.  Back then it was "this is what the Bible says and that is how it is and if you don't follow the Bible then you're wrong".  Man did I grow up quickly through that time in my life!

And yet, I'm still an idiot.  And we all know how I feel about idiots.

The older I get, the more I realize how stupid people are when they are young.

You know, when you become a mother, it is only then that you realize more about your own mother and childhood and finally begin to understand what your own mother went through.  I know this has been true for my life and how I viewed my childhood then, vs. the truth that I see from it now.  It's only in retrospect that you can understand.

And oftentimes when you make a mistake that causes pain to someone else, it isn't as if you can just wave a wand and make the hurt disappear.  Sometimes you don't even realize the amount of pain you have caused another person.  And I have done my share of causing pain.  And I carry guilt with me like a heavy burden.  Yes, I know what the Bible says about that.  I know that I don't HAVE to carry that guilt.  But I do it anyway.  I fee like I deserve to feel that guilt and I allow myself to feel it, because I am messed up and think that I NEED to feel that in order to somehow pay penance for my mistakes.

Back in college, I knew absolutely nothing.  About life.  About what real Christianity was about, for myself...about a real relationship with God.  About friendships.  About men.  I grew up believing that I would never been pretty enough, never be smart enough, never be good enough for any man to ever love me.  I'm now 32 years old and STILL battle those same beliefs, even though Kris has been by my side when other men would have left years ago.  I can recognize now that those come from the enemy and myself, but it doesn't change the fact that I believe them.  I didn't date in high school.  I had a casual boyfriend here or there (maybe 4 or 5 all told).  But never really went on a "real" date, except once.  Before a school dance.

Boys scared me.  Not for any reason beyond the fact that I was so insecure about myself and how to interact with them.  Kissing a boy terrified me!  I kid you not.  I used to pray that God would show me who the right guy was for me...by bringing a guy into my life that I wasn't scared to kiss.  I am sure it sounds ridiculous, and perhaps it was.  But I was an insecure, teenage girl who didn't believe anyone could ever want to kiss me to begin with!

And I carried that with me to college.  And for the first time in my life, during my freshman year of college, boys seemed to notice me.  Not many.  But a handful.  And it was overwhelming, to say the least.  I couldn't comprehend why in the world someone would be interested in ME.  Remember...I had the thought that I would never be wanted, so this was very new to me.

For my birthday, in 1998, three friends took me out to dinner.  One of them paid for my dinner, bought me long stem roses, accompanied by a poem, then took me to see a movie, which he also paid for. I got my first real taste of what a REAL date was, and understood that someone was interested in me.  Here was the problem.  I didn't want to date anyone at that time.  I was getting over being hurt by another guy, and certainly not ready to invest more emotional energy into a relationship.  And here was this man, treating me like every woman should be treated.  And it wasn't that I wasn't grateful.  What he did for me I actually carried with me and never really thanked him for.

In fact, I made matters worse by writing him a letter, telling him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, instead of having a face to face conversation, which was, at the very LEAST, what he deserved.  He deserved a lot better than that.  But I was 18, and an idiot.  And nothing I say or do can change that.  I was still learning about a relationship with God and what he was "calling" me to.  So two weeks later when Kris came along, wanting to date me, and I suddenly found myself wanting the same thing and feeling like this was God's leading, I moved on.  Because I was young and naive, it didn't even occur to me that I had really hurt this other guy.  That I had never thanked him for treating me with such kindness and generosity.  I felt bad that I told him I didn't want a relationship, then suddenly two weeks later I changed my mind.  I know how it looked to him.  I knew it then.  I knew it looked like I was just brushing him off.  Saying that is not true doesn't change how it appeared.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because my heart hurts.  Because I spent most of the night sobbing (when I wasn't working), feeling horrible about how I treated him.  In retrospect, I know what I should have done.  I know that he deserved better.  I know that he is happily married now, as am I.  And that it shouldn't still weigh on me like it does.  But the truth is, it does.  Not the fact that I didn't pursue a relationship with him.  The fact that he deserved better than how I treated him.  It's been 14 years.  How am I still feeling so much pain over this?  If you didn't know before now that I'm messed up, here's your introduction to the real me.

I don't like when I've done something that has hurt someone else, especially when they are so angry that I can't do anything to make it better.  Nothing I say or do will change anything.  And I guess that I am just hoping that by getting it out I can figure out a way to move on and stop carrying that guilt with me.  Because I have finally been given an opportunity to apologize, and what he chooses to do with that is beyond my control.  I am going to have to accept that he may think I am just full of hot air and may always see me as I know I see myself for how I treated him.

This isn't a good place for me to be...these types of scenarios are triggers for me, and the last thing I need right now is a trigger to that downward spiral.  I have got to find a way to move past this and accept that I may never be forgiven by him and that it is OK.  I can't allow myself to be consumed by it and allow it to control my emotions and my mental state of mind, which let's face it...isn't too great right now considering where we are at financially, with our jobs, the kids, etc...

I just needed to get that out.