Peace

Lately life has seemed...tumultuous.  Yes.  That's a good word to describe it.  And it's fun to say, even if it is just in my head (and now yours-seriously, how many of you stopped to think the word tumultuous just now?)

I'm working 40 hours per week in a job that I don't love but am thankful to have, trying to build my side business into my primary business (which is becoming a reality much sooner than I anticipated), raising four kids is exhausting, and marriage is by far the hardest thing I have EVER done.  Actually, STAYING MARRIED is the hardest thing I have ever done.  When you are really stressed out and in the midst of some serious marital tension, what do you want to do?  FLEE. That's what I want to do.  When things get tough or awkward between Kris and I, my instinct is to run.  I just want to run away.  I want to quit.  I want to just forget about life for a while.  It's a lot easier to run away than it is to stay and fight for your marriage.  But I truly do believe that the couples that stay together and fight to keep their marriage alive come out on the other end stronger and happier.  But it takes hard work.  And time.

I say all of that to say that today, for the first time in months, I have felt at peace.  Without the aid of Xanax.  I can't explain it.  Maybe it is everyone praying for me after all the "drama" from yesterday.  Whatever it is...I am grateful.  I came home after picking the kids up from school, expecting the usual screaming and crying and whining...and yet, I managed not to do ANY of those things on the way home.  ;-)

The kids played together quietly during the entire 12 minute drive home, which is unusual, to say the least!

Then we came in and the older kids helped me put some laundry away and deal with the dishes that were mounting.  With the dishes cleared away so I could see my counter tops, I started making dinner.  As I was standing there, cooking my fabulous spaghetti, I realized that it had been a really long time since I made a normal, during the week dinner.   Like an actual meal...not just sandwiches or cereal, which are common meals in this home, as I am usually too stressed out to "deal" with life.  Or we eat out.  

Standing there, preparing some garlic bread, it struck me that I was at peace.  I hadn't yelled at the kids.  I hadn't even been ANNOYED!  It was unreal!!  And it was a moment of pure bliss.  Unless you understand that roiling anxiety that I feel almost every second of every day, you won't understand why I can say that the moment was pure bliss.  It was a moment I was grateful for.  Did I mention I hadn't taken any xanax??  It was a good moment.

And then I had to start bedtime... ;-)