Break up

I love conversations with children.  Especially my children.  Olivia and I were having a conversation over lunch today.  Kris and Kaleb had gone to the bathroom and I can't quite remember how we got to talking about it but I told her "Because I don't like kids."  Of course her response was "You don't like me?"  I explained that I loved MY kids, just not other people's kids.  She then began to scold me saying that I'm supposed to love everyone.  I told her I DID love everyone.  I just didn't LIKE some people sometimes.  I then proceeded to explain to her what I meant, because she was adamant that I was supposed to LIKE everyone too.

I said "Well, I love Daddy but sometimes I don't like him when I'm mad at him."  I thought we would continue to argue, but she apparently thought it would be appropriate at this point to switch gears.  She said "Then break up with him."  I said "You want me to break up with Daddy?"  She said "Yeah" really nonchalantly, as if she didn't really care one way or the other.  So I asked her how I would take care of all four kids without him.  Her plan?  "You can find a new man."  We continued to discuss this.

I asked her when she would see Daddy.  She said they would go visit him.  I asked where he would live.  She said "He can live in one of the neighbor's houses."  I asked her if the new man I found would be friends with Daddy.  She didn't really have an answer.  She just kept saying I could find someone new.  My last question was "What if Daddy doesn't want me to leave him?"  As if he knew we were talking about him, Kris and Kaleb came back just as I was beginning to laugh hysterically at Livvy.  Kris looked at us, confused.  I told him we were talking about him and Livvy said "JUST TELL HIM ALREADY."  I think she was telling me to tell him, as in break up with him.  It was hilarious!!  This isn't the first time she and Abbey have suggested that I just break up with Daddy.  What is their problem?  It's the same way, when they are playing together, that they are children and their parents are dead.  Those girls!!

A rocky start

What Bishop vacation wouldn't start off with drama?  NONE.

Oh there's drama.  There's all kinds of drama!

First of all, let me thank my awesome friend Jennifer for staying the night last night and being available to take me on an emergency run to QT to purchase a one gallon gas tank.  Yeah, that's right.  The van wouldn't start.  I knew the gas was low, but there should have been enough to start it and get to the gas station this morning.  Alas, at 6:20 when we were trying to leave, the van would not start.

So because she's pretty much the best person in the world in my eyes, she got OUT OF BED and drove me to QT.  Our green van was "conveniently" parked under the carport, so we couldn't get it out to run to the gas station.  But Jennifer is a trooper.  And off she and I went to QT.

Then things started to get really interesting.

I was SO thankful they had a little tank I could fill to begin with.  The guy at the counter was really helpful and showed me what to do and added $3.25 to my card so I could fill the tank.  He made sure to let me know I had to push the nozzle down into the gas can.  It was Jennifer who saw me starting to just hold the can and put the nozzle in who told me to put the gas can on the ground.  Great idea!  Two hours of sleep does not often lead one to think clearly though.
 

Thanks Jennifer for not letting me expose one of my "girls" to the camera!

 So, I'm standing there, pumping the handle and nothing is happening.  Then I hear the guy inside say "You have to select what kind you want."  It seems that the fact that I pre-paid combined with the fact that I was not filling up my van led me to be an idiot and not realize that THAT was why the gas wasn't coming out.  Cheap unleaded selected, I proceeded to pump gas into this tiny little tank.  Then Jennifer took me back home.  FYI-I am pretty sure she thought the whole situation was hilarious!

To make it worse, or better, some older creepy guy in this beat up car saw me walking with the gas can to the pump and said "Are you out of gas?"  And I'm thinking #1 - Duh.  #2 - No, I'm going to mow my lawn at 6:30am in khaki capris and a nice shirt.  He asked me if I had walked, as if he was going to offer to "help" me.  Yeah...I'll bet he was going to help me.  Not sure if I would have ever gotten back home though.  Fortunately, Jennifer walked over and I politely thanked him and told him my friend had brought me. And back we went to my house.  *Disclaimer* - He could have been a very nice man, just wanting to help, but no thanks!

So after we get back home, I am standing there outside, trying to figure out how to get something seemingly self-explanatory to make sense to my tired brain. Kris comes out and says that the Internet told him it was most likely the battery, not the gas. How the battery would have died I had no clue, but I was hopefully that the van was just out of gas. Kris took over at this point and poured the tiny bit of gas into the van. Did the van start? As you can guess, it did not. Why would it? We're just trying to go on vacation after all...

Once again, I was thankful for Jennifer who had jumper cables.  I have wanted to keep jumper cables in my van for quite some time, but we just don't have them.  I will not expound further on that at this time.  Because we were unsure of what to actually DO with the jumper cables, we asked the Internet to help us once more.  At one point, when Kris was trying to connect the cables to the vans, and seemed unsure of himself, he said "This is what happens when you marry a computer geek."  I assume he was talking about the fact that he had to ask Google how to appropriately jump the van!  Red to dead. Red to undead.  Black to undead.  Black to dead.  Start undead car.  Wait several minutes - Kris waited I think about 54 seconds, but it started right up and we let it run for about 15 minutes before we told Jennifer goodbye and headed to the gas station to fill up and FINALLY get on the road, an hour and a half LATER than we anticipated leaving.   

Oh and I'd like to include a couple of quotes from the article we read that told us how to jump start the van. 

First:

"The first thing you want to remember when jump-starting a car is that a slight possibility of explosion does exist." 

WOW.  That's comforting.  No wonder Kris was nervous!!

Second:

"Step One

Park the booster vehicle close to the one that needs to be jumped, but not so close that the vehicles are touching in any way." 

I know I was tired, and that some people are just plain stupid, but at what point would anyone think the vehicles had to TOUCH in order for this process to work and also, that's just an insurance claim waiting to happen!

Here are some pictures Jennifer had us pose for.

Kris successfully connected the cables without anything exploding!!  It was a proud moment, for sure.

FINALLY.  The van is running again! We can head to Florida, by way of an overnight stop near Macon, GA.

Packed up and ready to say goodbye to St. Louis for a week!  By the way, I packed the van up, because as you may or may not recall, I am known for telling Kris "You're horrible at putting things places."  I'm quite proud of my organized van.

And we can't forget the most important thing of all.  52 oz peach white tea for the road...and just over 100 extra ounces to sustain me for me a couple of days into vacation.  Truth be told, it'll be gone today or tomorrow.

Can't wait to see what the rest of the week brings!

Shh...I'm supposed to be working...

Dear FedEx guy:

I am very sorry that I screamed at you today.

I am sure that you do not encounter daily crazy, jumpy women such as myself.

Next time, hopefully you will know to make your presence known if my back is turned to you.

PLEASE make your presence known next time.  My heart is still beating fast and I feel a great need take several deep calming breaths and a couple of Xanax to calm down.  I do not enjoy being frightened, so do us both a favor, and next time knock or yell or say "Hey crazy girl that about had a heart attack last week, I'm here. Now sign this."

And lastly, I hope you had a good laugh at my expense and go home and tell your wife about the girl who basically jumped out of her chair when you approached today.

--

That was my morning.  How was yours?  I'm am SO ready for vacation!!!  Sadly, this type of thing happens to me ALL the time.  People at work "warn" me that they are approaching, as they have all at one point or another, terrified me to the point of me yelling in alarm!

Happy Friday!

Boring post approaching...

I seriously HATE not having time to write.  However, over the weekend, I had a great deal of time to relax and some really great time spend with my dear friend Jennifer.  So while I didn't write over the weekend, the "busy"-ness was because I was spending some quality time with a great friend!

Let's see...what has happened since I last wrote?

The kids were taken away.

I shipped them off to my parents' house in Indiana.  They've been gone since Thursday.  I spent that entire day driving them out and then back home.  It was a little sad.  I don't usually get sad when faced with the reality of no kid responsibility - but this time it made me sad to leave them (likely because I barely saw them after being gone in Chicago for 4 days).  I watched them as I left, playing with my mom and having a blast and felt like crying.  They didn't care about me.  Brats.  :-)  I miss them.  It will be good to see them again Friday night.  Kris and I have been so busy we've barely had any time to just hang out - but we did manage dinner and some bridge with friend Sunday, and will again tonight.  Then it's non-stop busy until we leave Friday after work.

Our Florida vacation is rapidly approaching.  We are leaving July 31st and I've been too busy to realize that it is right around the corner.  This month has been INSANE with my side job and while I am panicking that August doesn't look as great as July did, I can't think about one more thing!!!

So that's about where things stand.  Chaotic.  That's our life.  I cannot wait to be in a position to quit my day job.  Have I mentioned that yet?  CANNOT WAIT!

What a weekend!

As you know from my previous post, I left for Chicago on Wednesday.  I got back around 10:30pm last night.  It was the best weekend I have had in a long time!  We had an event for my night job, the job that I love so much.  It was AWESOME!  As you also know, the travelling started out a little rocky.  Unfortunately, the clumsiness did NOT get any better as the weekend went on.  Before going to a reception on Friday night, I spilled white whipped cream on my BLACK shirt.  And then, on the most important day (yesterday) with regards to not spilling anything on myself, I dropped my brush in the toilet.

See??  Fortunately, that was the extent of the clumsiness that day and I didn't fall flat on my face like I feared I would.

I made some great new friends over the extended weekend too!  And due to the great tea debacle on the Megabus, and the fact that my husband couldn't get the spare laptop we had reformatted, I got a new laptop. With a webcam.  This will further enhance my "night job".  KIDDING!  Still not a prostitute.  I did get to talk to one of my new friends tonight on Skype though, which made me happy!  Charter, on the other hand, still sucks.  Unless you work for Charter.  If that is the case, I love it. Best. Service. Ever.  Thanks Charter!

leave it to me

Leave it to me to start off my trip to Chicago with a blog worthy post! Which I am doing via my phone, since I managed to ruin my laptop right after we left St. Louis! Seriously...like less than 5 minutes in.

There is a great debate among scholars me and Shane about which is better: Styrofoam cups or plastic?

While I love that Styrofoam keeps my drink colder longer, they do not yet have a 52oz Styrofoam cup at QT. So, the majority of the time I get plastic. This morning, though, in preparation for my 5.5 hour bus ride, I chose Styrofoam. This would later come back to haunt me.

I should have known how the trip would go, before I even got on the bus. Besides the fact that Jennifer was insistent that they transport prisoners to and from Vandalia on the Megabus, I had what I thought was a tightly closed liter of water in my laptop case. When I bent down to hug the kids goodbye, someone pointed out that I was spilling water, everywhere, which I quickly felt all over my foot. I looked down to see the lid to my water bottle on the ground and my water bottle half empty. So I had that going against me.

As recommended by a friend who had taken the Megabus before, I got one of the only seats that had a table. I thought, "This will be perfect. I can blog or "Facebook" because that is a verb now, or whatever because they have free WiFi." So, I get all set up and situated. My Styrofoam cup filled with tea was in a very convenient cup holder, with my laptop next to it. Everything was perfect. Just the way I wanted it. There was even an outlet to plug my laptop in so that my 5 minute battery wouldn't render me without anything to do the whole time.

But then I couldn't connect to their free WiFi. Well, the computer SAID I was connected but was giving some stupid DNS something or other computer geek related term. One that I did NOT know how to fix! So I was a little upset, but thought "Well, at least I can tether through my phone!" Which I proceed to do. At first, I started to get irritated because I couldn't make IT work either! Until I realized that I was just an idiot and forgot to turn Easy Tether on, on my phone. So I remedied that quickly, only to find that my computer wouldn't recognize my USB cable. Rather...it recognized the cable, because it was charging my phone, but my phone was not recognized. So I'm getting very frustrated at this point. And I'm trying every single USB port just to make sure.

Here is where I made my mistake. Here is where I began to loathe Styrofoam and all of it's evil ways. As I plugged my USB cable into the port on the left side of the computer, part of the cable PUNCTURED my cup of tea. And at first I just sat there, unsure what was happening, as my beloved tea kept pouring out all over my laptop, USB cable, phone, the people across from me, the person beside me, and my own feet.

I'd say about 25 of the 32 ounces wound up on my computer or somewhere in the vicinity. The lady across from me was very helpful, while the lady that sat too close to begin with promptly moved to the seat behind me. Fine by me. She was annoying me wish her brushing up against my arm anyway. A kind man got toilet paper from the bathroom and we got it all cleaned up. Except that now my laptop doesn't work. Well...no. It works. Sort of. It turns on. But the letters are all stuck together or something and so without even putting my hands on the keyboard, ghost letters begin appearing and don't stop.  I took it apart and I am hoping to test it soon to see if it will work, but I am doubtful. Which I find really frustrating because I wanted to upload pictures while I was in Chicago, as I went, not wait until I got home and try to sort through them all.

Oh and to add a little icing to the cake, when I was exiting the Megabus, I bumped into a bag of trash.  Someone had put a half full cup of soda in said bag of trash, which of course, spilled all over my foot.

This is the current state of my laptop

Fortunately, one of my roommates is letting me use her computer, and it has a webcam in it, so I can video chat with the kids! After I went through all the trouble to borrow one!!

I couldn't have said it better...

You know, sometimes marriage is hard.  Like...most of the time.  It seems like the things our spouses need the most are the things that are the hardest for us to give them.  We all express love differently, and usually the way that we express love is not the way that our spouse NEEDS us to express love.  For instance, Kris expresses love through touch.  Get your minds out of the gutter.  He likes to hug me, or hold my hand, or put his arm around me.  Physical touch.  It comes naturally to him and it is how he shows love.

But, seeing as how I don't like to be touched, especially hugged, this is not an effective way for him to show me that he loves me.  And it is very difficult for me to just hug him or show him that I love him in the way that he will really see and know it.

For me, it's words.  Mostly.  I like presents too, but that's secondary!  ;-)  I want and need to be TOLD.  Not just that he loves me.  But WHY.  What is it about me that he finds appealing?  Why does he stick around with all my crazy?  I need to hear these things ON A REGULAR BASIS.  Every day.  Or to know that he is thinking about me throughout the day.  And yet, this is the most difficult thing for him to do.

Does anyone else experience this kind of conflict?

I keep hearing a song lately...I can't help but love the lyrics.  It's called "All We'd Ever Need" by Lady Antebellum.  Here's the link to the song if you want to listen while you read.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFWUKIi85Jk

Boy it's been all this time,
and I can't get you off my mind,
and nobody knows it but me.
I stare at your photograph,
still sleep in the shirt you left,
and nobody knows it but me.
Everyday I wipe my tears away,
so many nights I've prayed for you to say.

(Chorus)
I should have been chasing you,
I should have been trying to prove,
that you were all that mattered to me,
I should have said all the things,
that I kept inside of me and maybe,
I could have made you believe,
that what we had was all we'd ever need.

My friends think I'm moving on,
but the truth is I'm not that strong and nobody knows it but me.
I've kept all the words you said,
in a box underneath my bed,
and nobody knows it but me.

But if you're happy I'll get through somehow,
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com 
but the truth is that I've been screaming out.

(Repeat Chorus)

It was all we'd ever need.

Oh, I thought it was all we'd ever need.

I should have been chasing you,
You should have been trying to prove,
that you were all that mattered to me,
Oh, you should have said all the things,
that I kept inside of me and maybe,
You could have made me believe,
that what we had girl,
Oh, that what we had
What we had

It was all we'd ever need

Staying up too late

I'm up late.  Or early.  I suppose it depends on how you look at it.  The laundry pile is about 4 feet up the wall in the living room.  Kris has been consistently washing, dryer and dumping...I have not kept up my end of folding, sorting, getting rid of, putting away.  So instead of dealing with it, I'm sitting here, writing, glaring silently at it.  Sometimes I wish we could just pick 5 uniforms for each kid, 3-4 regular outfits for each season, and get rid of the rest.  I suppose we could.  It would force us to keep up with the laundry.  Instead, we have so many clothes that it is just ridiculous.  Last weekend, I went through about 8 loads of laundry and we got rid of three or four bags full of clothes.  I'm dreading the long and tedious process of dealing with all these clothes.  I think we have about 4 loads left to wash.  I shouldn't let it get this out of control.  The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that yes...we need to get rid of anything that doesn't fit and wean down the amount of actual outfits.  Otherwise, I think I may go crazy just on the laundry alone.  It has always been my nemesis.  Along with cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, or anything else related to making my home feel "live-able".  Why couldn't I have married someone that hated clutter and that demanded that I keep our house clean at all times?  Likely because I would have killed said man and wound up in jail with only ONE outfit.  But hey...that brings us full circle...I'd only have ONE outfit!

And while I'm talking about things I SHOULD be doing, let's just add sleep to that list.  Kris too.  We should both be sleeping.  But instead, we are acting as if we are still 20 years old.  He's playing video games and I'm writing, pretending that we'll be on vacation forever.  This is seriously the first REAL break we've taken from "life" in a VERY long time.  I think neither one of us are eager for it to end.  I purposely waited to take my muscle relaxer because I thought for sure, at some point, I'd actually get started on the laundry.  That was about 5 hours ago. Now I'm just hoping the muscle relaxer kicks in before I decide to do something about the monstrous pile of clothes staring me down.

See what happens when I try to distract myself from things that need to be done?  You get terrific blog posts like this!! 

Tattoos

Earlier today I was thinking about tattoos. Last night, while celebrating a friend's birthday, some of us put on temporary tattoos. It got me thinking about a tattoo...and getting one. Kris isn't a fan of tattoos. I'm not really either...but I like giraffes, a lot, and so I thought, if I were to ever get a tattoo...it might be of a giraffe. I was talking to Kris about getting one on my ankle. He figured since it was so close to the bone, and not a lot of flesh, it would hurt more. So I told him I could get it...um...above my breast. You know what he said? "Anything that looks at me is creepy!" I guess I could see his point...

Then my dearly loved, honest friend Jennifer promised to buy me a giraffe necklace if I didn't get a giraffe tattoo on my body...so I think I'm going to take her up on that offer and hold her to her promise.

So, there are no tattoos in my future. I am, however, hoping to see my sister soon and have her use her mad creative Henna skills on my feet! It's been like two years since she's done that...and I would like to have my feet temporarily "inked" again...this is what she did a couple of years ago.

Pretty cool, huh?

Great news!

Some of you may recall all the drama surrounding the home school vs. public school vs. private school debate that took place on my Facebook page several weeks ago.  And it was a difficult decision for Kris and I to remove the kids from private school and put them into public school, in addition to taking a $1000 pay cut at work.  We made the decision and felt complete peace about it.  We listened to the wisdom of our parents and those who have raised their children, in addition to God's leading, and we had come to accept that our children would go to public school for the upcoming school year.

However, people were still praying that God would provide a way for the kids to go back to Grace next year.  Including several of the teachers at Grace, and Katherine for sure.  And we acknowledged that if God provided a way financially, that of course we would send them back.  We knew that it wasn't going to come by way of anything but a miracle or some huge financial blessing, and if God chose to provide that, we would graciously accept it and give Him the glory.  But in the meantime, we were preparing to register the kids for public school.

Last week, however, Kris got an email that changed everything.  We did get that miracle.  That huge financial blessing.  We don't know the details, but we do know that someone somewhere stepped forward and made it possible for ALL four of our children to return to Grace next year.  We feel very blessed and are thrilled that we have been given this opportunity!  The kids, of course, are beyond excited.  Katherine wrote no fewer than three letters to her friends to let them know.  She even paid me for the stamps!  It was pretty cute!!

So, our prayer over the next year is that our business at ICS will turn around and/or that my business will grow exponentially so that we can continue to give them a quality, Christian education.  My dream is that my business will continue growing at the rate it has been so that when I am asked to come back to ICS full-time I can politely say "No thank you."  Shh...don't tell Kris.  He doesn't like when I say that...I think he thinks I'm too valuable to lose...

My kids are cuter than yours

Well...you may think yours are cuter than mine.  You can think that.  I know better.  :-)

I love my friend Jennifer.  I've talked about her before.  Last weekend we had the luxury of going out near Warrensberg, MO to spend a couple of days with her and her family.  It was a GREAT weekend.  The kids got along great and we had to do very little parenting.  It was actually quite nice!

At the last minute, we decided to exchange children.  I took her two older kids with me, to hang out with Kat and Kaleb and she took my two younger, who spent time with her youngest.  However...this is where the story gets sad.  And extremely funny.  Sad because my girls didn't want to come home.  Funny because, well Abbey is involved.  And you know it's going to get funny any time that girl has something to say!  So while I was gone, my dear friend Jennifer kept me updated via Facebook with all the funny things my girls said/did.  Below you will see the great updates Jennifer (and one from her husband) gave me while my little girls stayed with her for  a couple of days.

"Apparently you have lost two daughters. They're mine now. I love them and they are great for my ego. Apparently I'm not bossy and I clean up fast- you know, all the great qualities a mother should have ;)"


"Abbey: Your wife told me to tell you to get me some ice water. Me: How much money do you have? Abbey: I have two quarters but I am saving that for college and the orphanage I am going to build when I get older so I can teach them about God and give them fun jobs."


"Me: Anyone want more macaroni? Gracie: I do! Livvy: No. Me: Abbey? Do you want more macaroni? Abbey: No. I'm saving room for the party in my tummy for cheese puffs."


"We made "ice cream" this morning. The girls chose vanilla. Liovvy: Can we make chocolate tomorrow? Me: We'll have to see. I'm not sure what time we are leaving. Abbey: Leaving??!? Me: Yeah, to go to your house. Abbey: TOMORROW IS TUESDAY ALREADY?!?! Me: Yes, tomrrow is Tuesday. Abbey: That's not fair! We only got one night, one day and maybe a half a morning tomorrow. Can you ask if we can stay another week or at least 3 more days? Me: Well, I'm going to your mommy's party tomorrow night and then Addison, Alex, Gracie and I will stay the night at your house. Abbey: Gracie sleeps in my bed! Livvy: No, Gracie sleeps in my bed! Abbey: (moan) You think because you have the bigger bed, she should stay in yours. Fine! We can all sleep in there together, but Gracie gets the middle. Livvy: Yeah, Gracie gets the middle, because Gracie, we kind of like you. Abbey: Livvy! Don't say that. We love her! Livvy: Yeah Gracie, we love you!"


"Abbey: Can we have a drink? Me: Sure. (I pour ice water into 3 Chuck E. Cheese cups) Livvy: Where did you get these? Me: At Chuck E. Cheese's. Gracie: I love Chuck E. Cheese! Abbey: I like to insult and hurt Chuck E. Cheese. Me: Well, that doesn't sound too nice! Abbey: It's ok, it's a real person in a costume. (Seriously laughing my butt off!)"


"Abbey and Livvy want to move in with me. Apparently a dinner of Lucky Charms, cheeseballs, yogurt and popsicles are the best meal Abbey has had "in years." But, she said she would miss you and that her "real dad" should go into the Army and you could be our neighbors (even though this is an Air Force base). Livvy said she would miss her friends, but Abbey told her they don't like her anyway. "They always run from Livvy." :)"

Oops...

Wow...June 21?  Really?  That was the last time I wrote?

I have been B.U.S.Y.

You know that side business that I absolutely love?  It's been my ONLY focus!  And you know what?  It paid off!  Because I got a promotion this morning!!!  I am SO excited!  And I am ready to take just a few days off to breathe and recoup.  Because in about a week and a half, that business is about to explode and I will be gone almost every night of the week for the entire month of July.  No.  In case you forgot...I'm NOT a prostitute.  It's not that kind of night job.

Until July 11th, I am only working ONE more day (Tuesday) for ICS.  I'm looking forward to a little vacation time alone in Chicago next week.  Have you ever taken the Megabus?  Or heard of it?  It's an inexpensive way to travel.  And it LOOKS nice.  It SOUNDS nice.  But because I'm traveling alone, I'm very nervous.  Hopefully a couple Xanax before I leave will calm me enough to make it through the 5 hour bus ride alone.  That's what I hate the most...is that I am going alone.  BUT...supposedly they have power outlets and free wi-fi.  Here's to hoping I survive!

We have NO big plans for tomorrow.  I plan to sleep as long as the kids will let me.  Then, for the first time in quite a long time, Kris and I are going on a date.  We're going out to celebrate my promotion, then meeting with up a friend and some of her friends/family to celebrate her birthday.  I may or may not do something productive tomorrow.  Likely the most productive thing I will actually get done is showering, fixing my hair and putting on make up!  And I am SO OKAY with that!

Laughter

It's always good to laugh.  I needed a good laugh tonight.  Today was a really discouraging day.  On so many different levels in different areas of my life.  But I got a small glimmer of joy at the end of the day.  When Kris put the kids in bed!  ;-)

But before that...

Abbey came out to tattle on Olivia (who keep in mind is only 5).  Abbey was upset because Livvy told her that when she died she wasn't going to be with Jesus.  This of course crushes Abbey's little 8 year old heart because Abbey wants nothing more than to spend her entire life on earth and after she dies with Jesus.  So, of course, she was not happy with Olivia telling her that she wasn't going to be with Jesus.

So I asked Olivia why she said that.  And she explained to me that she WOULD be with Jesus, until she came back to earth as an animal.  WHOA kid...back up a minute?  Could you please repeat that?  Who told you that when you die you will come back as an animal?  She just shrugged.  I'm really wondering what Buddhist befriended my 5 year old and told her that when she dies she will come back to earth as an animal.

Each night before bed, Kris reads a portion of Scripture to the kids, and they each say what their favorite part was.  I don't know how many verses Kris read tonight but Psalm 137:9 is the verse that Livvy said was her favorite.  It reads as follows:

"Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks."

That girl is CRAZY.  Whenever she and Abbey play together, they are always pretending the parents are dead or someone dies.  What is their fascination with death???

Happy Father's Day

I'm sure bloggers around the world are posting incredible blogs with heartfelt tributes to their fathers.  I thought I'd be cliche and do the same thing, though this is more heartfelt than incredible!

I was blessed to grow up with a father.  He was always a constant.  While he may have worked a lot to make sure our family was WELL provided for, he was always there.  In the ways that counted.  I have memories of time spent with my dad that, to this day, make me smile.  Watching Matlock and the A-Team with him.  And Knight Rider.  And James Bond movies.  And the Rocky movies.  I have a love for Rocky movies, because of memories of watching them with my dad.  I don't care how cheesy some of them were, or how the later few weren't people's favorites...I love ALL 5 of them, because I remember watching them with my dad.  I remember sharing his almost burnt Red Baron's pizzas, minus the red pepper flakes.  Or WITH, on the rare occasion he would dare me to eat them and reward me with money if I actually did it!  ;-)  I have memories of him using pliers to remove toothpicks from my bare feet, which always seemed attracted to said toothpicks, that I'm pretty sure were unknowingly discarded onto the floor...by him.  I remember my dad constantly aggravating our dog Babe.  And this amuses me.  I don't know why.  Maybe it was the look of joy on his face, the sheer pleasure of annoying the dog.  It's the same look any father gets with any child they are trying to irritate, which is pretty much a dad thing.  One of my favorite memories, and I think my sister would agree, was when he was remodeling what used to be our back porch.  And Jenny and I were home and he would chant these silly cheers with our names in them, that always used to make us laugh.  We recorded him once.  On a tape recorder about the size of shoe box.  Do they still make those?  ;-)  Good thing for you dad that we don't still have those tapes because in this day of all things media...it could have been very embarrassing for you!  I love you dad, and I hope that you have a great Father's Day, and that you got the card that I actually remembered to send, probably for the first time in who knows how many years!

And then there is my husband.  The best model of a father for my children.  In all my ups and downs, Kris has been a constant for the kids.  When I couldn't be there, emotionally, he was.  He could have turned and run at the first onset of my crazy.  But he didn't.  He stayed, likely for the children!  So they didn't grow up scarred by BOTH parents.  I'm only kind of kidding.  I'm sure he will scold me upon reading that.  But that man...who grew up without a father that was consistently active in his life, turned out to be the world's greatest dad to our four children.  He loves those kids with such passion and fierceness and it is remarkable in this day and age for children to grow up with the love and protection that he provides.  My family is blessed to have him, as he attempts to lead us the way God has called him to.  He may stumble and fall sometimes, but there is not a single person who can say that he isn't the most generous and loving father to his children!!  Both with his affection and time.  Thank you Kris, for all that you do for this family.

Another weekend

Unlike last weekend, our plans are somewhat laid back this stormy Father's Day weekend.  I'm up earlier than usual.  Especially for a weekend.  I don't even get up this early during the week!  Huge thunderstorms have been rolling through St. Louis and this morning was no exception!!  So my friend Faith and I spent an hour playing bridge online this morning...because we're geeks...and that's what we do, and the stupid storm had us both up at 6am.  But mostly because we're geeks.

I looking forward to my last massage today (because we cancelled my membership so we could pay for the Y), and then get to hang out with some pretty cool people, including my "bestest" girlfriend Jennifer, who moved to a galaxy far, far away from me (OK, so only 3 hours but whatever...).  I'm thankful, as I have said before, that she is in my life and that we connect on so many different levels.  Really looking forward to hanging out with her.  And Harry and Tara, if you're reading this, I'm excited about seeing you guys again too!  Though Harry, I may ignore you as payback...

We are going out to St. James tomorrow to surprise Kris' dad for Father's Day...and HOPEFULLY will be back in time to play bridge tomorrow night!  Again...because we're geeks.  And because it's pretty much the best card game ever and anyone who wants to make fun of me for that and this long run on sentence can just shut up...

I am hoping that next week isn't so chaotic and maybe I'll have more time to write.  I've been frenzied this past week...mentally and physically.  All over the place, and fighting a UTI since May 23!  Finally on a crazy strong antibiotic and for the first time in weeks feel better!  And the doctor is trying to find out which bacteria keeps causing these so that hopefully we can figure out a treatment plan.  In the meantime...she's put me on two probiotics, cranberry supplements and a digestive enzyme...

Uh oh...I hear one of the children up...it literally pains me that I've been up for an hour and a half  while all the children sleep.  I guess it is bittersweet...because at least they didn't all wake up with the thunder!!  Kaleb is now up and asked what he could do.  I told him he could go downstairs, or clean but it was too dark.  Then I said "You have two options."  And he responded with "Actually that's only one option."  I started to argue then realized he was right.  I very clearly said it was too dark to clean!  Smart aleck.  He chose to go downstairs and I am now debating between trying to go back to sleep and doing some work I know I should get around to...

Weekend Getaway

We're in Indiana for the weekend, visiting my parents and going to family reunion.  All the cousins will get to play together, and that is always nice!  They get so excited to see each other.

The drive in was horrendous perfect. We left an hour and a half later than anticipated due to unforeseen circumstances at the EXACT time we planned to. Torrential downpours/blinding rain and fog for FOUR hours. Clear, sunny skies the whole way.  Construction had all but one lane closed part of the way. All lanes were open, as there was no construction. The kids were absolutely INSANE-hyper, loud, crazy perfect little angels.  I didn't have to take any but two to start, then another later, after I bit all my nails off Xanax because everything was just splendid.

Hopefully the drive back will be MUCH better!!

The best part of the day was Abbey singing a new song she wrote called "Help Jesus Help", and taking first place in the talent contest!!  I'll post the video and lyrics later tomorrow hopefully!

Unthinkable.

That is the word that comes to mind when I think about what my life would be like if I had never had kids.  Of course I HAD to choose this writing prompt.  I can't just let it pass me by...

You know, because I don't like my kids.  Or so some people think.  Because they don't understand sarcasm.  And because they don't really know me.  Or the demons I face on a daily basis.

But I think my answer might surprise you.  Or, if you know me well, it won't.

Quite honestly...I truly believe I might be dead.

Morbid?  Maybe.  A little.

OK...

...a lot.

Children change your entire outlook on life.

I don't remember battling depression BEFORE I had kids.  But I think that without the kids, at some point, I still would have wound up in the cyclical clutches of depression.  I think having children just kick-started what very well may be a lifetime battle for me.

I had my kids young.  Too young most people would say.  And I had a lot of kids.  Too close together.  It's next to impossible to have 3 children in 2 years and 5 days (without them being multiples), and yet somehow...I did it.

I got married when I was 20.  I had my first, second, and third child at ages 21, 22, and 23.  I missed out on a lot.  I missed out on traveling with my husband to all the places I've always wanted to go.  I took for granted the year and a half we had married, without kids.  The spontaneity.  The freedom.  The QUIET.  It was easier to just get up and go somewhere before kids.  Once you have one kid, you have to factor in one extra hour to prepare for any trip, even if it is just down the road to fill up your tank!

Having four kids?  That's right...four extra hours.  And then you have to factor in the screaming and fighting all the way to Indiana (a four hour drive) to see my parents.  Even the 12 minute drive to and from the kids' school is a nightmare for me.  Bedtime is a nightmare.  So many aspects of having kids pushes me to my breaking point.  On some occasions OVER my breaking point.

In some of my worst moments, when all I could think about was a way to die (yeah...I just admitted that...), the ONLY thing that kept me from making that a reality was the thought of leaving my children without a mother; that and the fact that I am terrified of pain and there are few ways to die without pain. While sometimes I feel like my children deserve a better mother than I am, and while I truly believe my husband is the best father in the world, no kid should grow up without a mother.  And it was the children that kept me going (that KEEP me going), in my darkest hours.  When I was up late at night Googling painless ways to die, or thinking about driving off the side of the road into a wall at 100 miles per hour, the children were there.  In the back of my mind.  Keeping me alive.  Forcing me to hold on.

Children are a blessing from the Lord.  They truly are.  Even the annoying ones.  :-)  And while it pains me that some women have to go through life not knowing how it feels to give birth and to see that baby for the first time, there are those of us out there who literally could not survive the pressures and stress of day to day life without children.  Children gives us a purpose.  Something to fight for.  Something to live for.  God gave me those four treasures to remind me that when I can't feel His love, I have a reason to be alive. I have a purpose.  I cannot leave those babies without a mother.

So there is no world, no life, in which I would change a thing.  It's unthinkable.

Poor Abbey!

Apparently everyone but me was aware that, over the last 5 days, my 8 year old's hands have looked like this:

My first thought was "Oh my gosh they're going to have to amputate her hands!".  Because that is how my crazy mind works.  Always thinking in worst case scenario, even though I know I'm overreacting.  Drama, drama, drama.  It's highly unrealistic...but the red to white contrast really freaked me out!  As soon as I saw it, being the intuitive mother that I am (no one has intuition like a mother), I called the doctor and they said they could see us at 4pm.

I took her and they escorted us through the back door; you know, so she didn't infect anyone...just in case.  I hadn't gone through that back door since my babies were...well, babies!  Essentially, her eczema got out of control and became infected. The doctor said she has staph strep and she is now on a very strong antibiotic and has this long list of ridiculous things that we will have to do on a regular, daily basis, some things several times per day.  But, good news:  no amputations!

Once the infection is under control, we can treat the eczema.  I may consider taking her to a dermatologist once it has cleared up, to get a more specified plan for caring for her skin; since Livvy has eczema too we could use all the knowledge we can get!

Poor baby.  I can't wait until her hands clear up.  One of her blisters burst and she held up her hand (which grosses me out) and said (VERY EXCITED) "One of the bubbles popped!"  I told her to go show "daddy" because it kinda creeped me out and she said "They're so ugly."  So funny.  Poor kid is all about being beautiful inside, but especially OUT, and so I am sure that her hands make her very self-conscious.  But the doctor said the antibiotic should clear it up in a few days so hopefully she won't scare anyone (but me) away with her weird, NON-contagious hands.  The doctor said we really should take a sterile needle while she is asleep and burst open those puss-filled blisters.  Yeah...that is so NOT happening!  Everything else...I'll try my best.  But NOT that.  Gross...

The End

All good things must come to an end.  Isn't that how the English proverb goes?

Sometimes, with endings, there is sadness.  Unless we're talking about the end of summer break when the kids FINALLY go back to school (not that I'm counting-just over 2 months!).

So, that being said, I am sad today.  "Why?" you ask?  Because something is coming to an end.  Something I cannot control.  Something I do not want to end.  Something that has been a source of great enjoyment and hours of living in another reality for me.

I am talking about The Wheel of Time Series.  Specifically book 13, Towers of Midnight.  Robert Jordan began the series and wrote the first 11 books before he died.  He had scripted out a lot of final book, which he intended to be one huge volume, but they are now breaking it into 3 different books.  Kris and I have been listening avidly to the entire series and books 12 and 13, finalized by Brandon Sanderson, using Jordan's notes.  From interviews with Sanderson, the final scene/ending was already written and it will be in the final book as it was written by Jordan, before his death.

What is sad is that there is about an hour and a half left in book 13.  And book 14 won't even be released in print until at least March 2012.  Which means it won't make it to Audible until after that.  So, in the next day or two, we will finish Towers of Midnight and have to wait almost a year to finally finish the series.  I can't even begin to think about the sadness that will consume me once the entire series ends.  *sigh*  It is by far the best series I have ever 'read'.  I highly recommend these books.  You will NOT be disappointed!  Unless you hate reading, and then that is just sad too.  :-)

I have a confession...

It's been one week since my last blog post.

I have another confession.

I still have a mustache.  :-(  I'm working on it though.  Monday I had my third laser hair removal treatment.  I can say that after the first two treatments the hair still came back but not as much and not as quickly.  They said that sometimes you won't really notice a real difference until after the third treatment.  So I will be watching closely.  I got back again in July; I have three more treatments.  Here's to hoping I can take that next step towards looking like a woman!

Speaking of looking like a woman...

I have another confession.

I wore a dress Sunday night.  And heels.  Though my dear perfectionist friend Jennifer decided to point out that they were technically sandals, but since they do indeed have heels, I can call them whatever I want!  Kris and I celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary on Sunday.  We slept in (after staying up until 3am the morning before watching Dinner for Schmucks-which I liked), and then we went to see Something Borrowed.  I loved it.  It was funny!  A different story and ending than I expected.  After that, we went to The Melting Pot, which of course was delicious!  Then we rounded off the evening with about an hour of playing bridge.  We actually competed in the Worldwide Bridge Contest on Friday and Saturday.  Both days we ranked in the 3000's out of 5000 people, WORLDWIDE.  I'll take it!  We didn't earn any Master Points, but we had fun and met some great new (or old...ha ha ha...) people.

Here are some pictures from our anniversary on Sunday, to prove I wore a dress and what I call "heels".

See...A DRESS!!  WITH jewelry!  And makeup.  The transition is almost complete...just have to get rid of the mustache.

Sexy right?

Oh, I suppose I'll post a picture of both of us...