Stories

Would it surprise you to read that there will be a song/video in this post?
I am hoping I can complete this post before the meds kick in and I am no longer coherent! We will see how far I get.

I'm actually writing from my van now,  while keeping a wary eye on my what-I'm-sure-will-be-awesome cupcakes, which happen to be resting precariously on my dash. They are German chocolate and also Neapolitan made by a girl from church; and I am a firm believer that cupcakes like this should really be eaten on a plate, with a fork and a glass of milk, to get the true fulfillment and joy they are meant to bring.

Tonight, Kris and I attended something called  Stories. It takes place 2 Fridays each month, at The Outpost, where we are currently attending church; and we have been trying to go to the last 3 meetings. Every time, there was something that prevented it. We couldn't attended due to one conflict or another.

The last one would have been on Good Friday. We couldn't attend because Kris was preaching, and they didn't have it; having a church-wide Good Friday celebration instead.
And you do remember what was significant about Good Friday for me? If not, or if you missed the post, you can find that here.

I found Jesus that night.  On a rugged, dirty Cross, I came face to face with the REAL Jesus.  The REAL meaning behind the Cross.  The truth of what He did for me.  The realization that I could give him all my shame, all my guilt, all the burdens I had been bearing alone for so long, and He would bear them on his shoulders, while He was beaten, hung on a Cross and died.  For ME.  Not just the rest of you.  But for ME.  For Jamie.  He did that for ME.  Understanding that, acknowledging that and finally embracing that, the Cross became real to me in way that words cannot fully explain.

All of that to say that tonight, at Stories, I sat around in a group full of hurting, broken, and HEALING people.  And there was no shame.  There was only love and comfort, and acceptance.  That is something that drew me to The Outpost to begin with.  There was just this deep sense of comfort that seemed to spill forth from the building and the people.  I feel like I'm "home" when I'm there.  Just like I feel like I'm "home" with my husband now.  And "home" with God now.  It's just right.

And what I found really profound was that had we been able to actually attend Stories any of the last 3 times they were "supposed" to meet, I would not have been in a place emotionally or spiritually where I could have handled Kris and I sharing our story tonight.  And I think it was an important place for us to be and I think that God has everything under control, and HIS timing is perfect.  How cool is that?!?!

I found myself thankful that the lights were out while the song "At The Foot of the Cross" was playing and people sang along tonight.  I heard this song just over two months ago, HOPING that I could feel that way someday, but fearful that I never would.  Fearful that I would never truly see God and have a real relationship with Him again.  Tonight though, tears of joy and a feeling of overwhelming love flowed in and through and out of me.  The lyrics are astounding.  Truly profound and very dear to my heart.  For instance (don't worry, I won't dissect the ENTIRE song just most of it):

"You won my heart.  Yes, You won my heart."

Those words are significant to me for two reasons.  Before I fully embraced the Cross, my husband won my heart back.  Two months ago yesterday, as he was winning my heart back, I chose to go home.  I've told him this in those exact words, several times:  "He won my heart back."  So to hear a song where it talks about God winning my heart, it struck home.

"Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty."

Remember Good Friday, when I burned my "sins"?  Only ashes remained.  And since that night, there has been beauty.  There has been freedom and life!

"And wear forgiveness like a crown."

I had my own thoughts on that line, but I wanted to hear Kris' perspective first, on those words.  Kris said it reminded him of Zechariah 3.  And I had to agree with him on the symbolism here.
Verses 1-4:  "Then the angel showed me Jeshua, the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord. The Accuser, Satan, was there at the angel's right hand, making accusations against Jeshua.  And the Lord said to Satan, 'I, the Lord, reject your accusations, Satan.  Yes, the Lord, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebukes you.  This man is like a burning stick that has been snatched from the fire.'  Jeshua's clothing was filthy as he stood there before the angel. So the angel said to the others standing there, 'Take off his filthy clothes.'  And turning to Jeshua he said, 'See, I have taken away your sins, and now I am giving you these fine new clothes.'  Then I said, 'They should also place a clean turban on his head.' So they put a clean priestly turban on his head and dressed him in new clothes while the angel of the Lord stood by."

Do you see it?  The clean clothes, removing the sins and the clean turban represents that crown of forgiveness.  Also, what I find most profound here too is that the Accuser was there, making accusations.  Telling lies.  And while we (as humans) tend to believe those lies, God stepped forward and REJECTED those lies!

From a woman's perspective, who in some ways will always have the heart of a little girl, I heard and pictured this line differently.  Shocking.  Right?  Here is what I saw.  As little girls, we always want to be a princess. I don't know many girls who at some point or another haven't wanted deep down to be a princess.  Early in life, we look to our fathers to be our knight in shining armor.  To never leave us, and to rescue us from danger.  Later, as we grow up, we look to our husbands to fill this roll.  But the only person who can truly save us and take us off into the sunset, happily ever after, is God.  He puts a crown of forgiveness on our heads; he makes us his princess!

"Coming to kiss the feet of mercy..."

This brings to my mind a picture of humility.  Us, being broken and humble at the feet of Jesus, lying face down at his feet, acknowledging that we are but sinners, unworthy of anything but punishment.  And yet, he tells us that HE will take our punishment.  He DID take our punishment when he bled and died on that Cross.

"I lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross."

Since the Cross has such a new, intimate meaning for me, and I really did lay my burdens at his feet on Good Friday, I absolutely love this line!  And it is also a constant reminder to us.  A reminder that even now, after we've embraced God's love and forgiveness, we have to daily take our burdens and lay them at the feet of Jesus.  AND LEAVE THEM THERE.  NOT taking them back up again...that is the key.

"At the foot of the Cross, where I am made complete; You have given me life through the death you bore for me."

I feel at complete peace reading/listening to these lines.

As anticipated, the song I am referring to is below (with lyrics).

Draw Something

If you've "seen" me on Facebook or been drawing with me, this post should come as no surprise to you.  To say I'm addicted to the point of withdrawal if there is nothing to guess a little hooked would be a HUGE slight understatement.  I just discovered this game, Draw Something, yesterday.

Actually, someone must have told me about it or I saw someone post about it on Facebook because at some point in the recent past, I had already downloaded it to my phone.  But I never did anything with it.  Until yesterday.

I was blessed to go thrift store shopping and have lunch with my dear Jennifer (I won't talk about the time we almost had to FLEE for our lives from the FLEA market, or what we thought was a flea market...).  She's the next best thing to God and my husband (as far as adults/not kids go).  I love her. A lot.  We are bosom friends, as I have often said before, like Anne and Diana from Anne of Green Gables.  I couldn't have made it through the last 2 years without her in my life and I hope that we are friends that still talk when we're in our eighties.  I really do.  I would be lost without her.

ANYWAY...

So we were at lunch and she showed me a picture of what looked like the world and it said "globe" on it.  She asked if I knew what it was.  I was like...um...the world?  Then she showed me that there were letters to choose from.  Turns out neither one of us could figure out that it was EARTH.  In retrospect, the ten year old that had drawn it had done a really great job of depicting it.  But somehow, we adults had a little trouble puzzling it out.

I immediately went to look for the game in the Android Market (well, Google Play now I guess which is weird if you ask me as I continue in a very long run on phrase), and found that I had already installed it to my phone.  So I instantly started a game with Jennifer and I was HOOKED.  I mean...it was all I could think about.  I started adding everyone I could that I thought MIGHT play it.  Turns out I have about 10-12 friends that I am already playing with, but as any good addict would be, I am always open to more.  If you want to play with me, email me and I'll give you my username.

So, instead of getting heavy and emotional tonight, which I had planned to do (but for the sake of my husband going to bed at a decent hour I am choosing something light and fun), we're going to dig deep into Draw Something.

#1.  I'm HORRIBLE at drawing on paper.
#2.  I'm equally horrible at drawing with my finger on my phone's screen.
#3.  I'm persistent so horrible or not, I WILL play this game!
#4.  I'm a little pathetic and crazy over-the-top, and I actually took pictures on my camera to post here.  I'm a dork, I know.
#5.  The best picture I have drawn was one of Gandalf (the Gray) and sadly, I didn't think to take a picture of how awesome it was.
#6.  If you're still here, the pictures are coming and then this post will be over.  I promise.  :-)

So here is the concept if you are unfamiliar.  You have to pick one of those three words to draw.  Each one is worth either one, two, or three coins.  The more coins the better because they only start you out with four colors, and with coins, you can get more colors or bombs (which can be used to destroy some of the letters to help you guess a word.  I always try to choose the hardest one, but sometimes have to settle for something simpler.  This time, I decided to try Eminem.

As promised, I am a horrible artist most of the time.  My stick figure is supposed to be holding a microphone and as an added hint, I drew some M&M's.  This is for my sister.  I think she'll figure it out.  One thing I have found is if you play with multiple people, you tend to get some of the same words.  I really love when they throw in things from The Hunger Games, like Primrose, District, Tribute.  Those are fun!  Jennifer also said that they have some Harry Potter ones and she's right because Hermoine came up the other day, but I didn't try it because I was afraid the other person wouldn't know how to spelled her name.

So, once it is your turn to guess, you tap the screen.

You see my letter "bank" down there?  I've got one bomb left (I started with 5).  I have been more conservative about using them now.  So, I wait to see what my friend will draw.  And you see if they mess up, erase something, delete the page and start a new one.  It's really very amusing.  It's equally amusing sometimes to watch them try to guess what you have drawn.

Hey, I got it right!!!

This part is interesting.  If you SKIP your turn, this # resets itself.  I'm anal and so I want all my numbers to be high.  Right now, with this friend, our record is 15 correct answers in a row.  And best of all, my husband is playing with me (which I seriously love-it's one of those little things he can do to show me he loves me).  Our current winning streak, which will likely break my heart if it ever ends, is 78!!!  We played a lot last night!  If you skip your turn, your streak starts over again.

Here is another one I drew.  Maybe you can get the idea?  Who wants to guess what iI was trying to draw?

Lastly, this handy little business-expense-that-I-just-got-today-and-just-happens-to-benefit-me-with-Draw-Something has been great!!  I really plan to use it with my Little Bishop Creations business!  When I accept credit card payments of over $25, my customers have to sign and while they CAN sign with their finger, I thought it would look more professional to have something that looks like a pen.  Plus, now I can draw better.  And you saw my drawing.  That was with the pen.  Imagine how awful it would be without it!!!  ;-)

So there you have it.  My lame, geeking out post on Draw Something.  We let Katherine put it on her phone, which has no plan but does have Wi-Fi, and we do let her play the game with us too.  It's really very fun and so much easier to keep up with.  Even though I love Scrabble and Words with Friends, they just aren't as user friendly as Draw Something.  If you have it, or decide to download it, I want to play with you!

Playing with Pinterest - Week 2

This week's collection of pins from my own boards

From Bacon:

So clever to keep the bacon together for BLT's.

I think this is HILARIOUS!

Chicken, Bacon & Cream Cheese Taquitos w/Avocado dipping sauce-I think this sounds AMAZING!

From Things I'd Actually Like To Do:

I TOTALLY DID THIS!!!

See!

From Must Try Recipes:

Pumpkin Coffee Cake?  How can that NOT be good???

From Pins That Annoy Me When I See Them:

How DARE cats be paired with The Hunger Games????  I hate cats!

Wallpaper much?

I like Harry Potter...but...

From Signs/Quotes I Love:

Interesting weight loss concept!

This is SO something to think about and never forget!

I like this.  Especially the "choke a fool" part.

I know this is mean and harsh, but I think it is hilarious!

Need I say more??  This is why I sometimes think people are idiots.

What did you find on Pinterest this week?  I'd love to hear about it.  If you aren't already following me or want me to follow you on Pinterest, find me here and I'll follow you back!

Welcome any Wordless Wednesday friends!  If you want to see more about Wordless Wednesday, check that out here.

Music That Moves Me - Week 2

Exactly two months ago today I was staying at my friend Jennifer's house.  Not just for the day.  Or for the night.  For several nights.  I asked Kris if he was OK with me sharing this on here, so just know that he has given his approval for me to share this.

As I mentioned in previous posts, Kris and I are in marriage counseling, and it wasn't just for the "fun" of it.  Believe me.  It's not fun!  However, it is EXTREMELY beneficial (and all the crying is very therapeutic too thanks for that Tony)!  And if you want to keep your marriage and family in tact, I highly recommend it.

A very small amount of people know "our story".  Over the years, I think that more people will hear our story and I am praying that lives and marriages will be changed, because of what Kris and I have not only endured, but have also triumphed over, through God's grace.

Two months ago, I didn't know what I wanted.  I didn't know if I wanted to be married anymore.  I didn't know how to deal with life and marriage and kids, in addition to all the other stress factors in my life at the time.  I didn't know how to be alone, but I knew that I had to choose.  Kris and the kids.  Or being alone.

It was during this time, reflecting on my life at Jennifer's, that Kris began emailing me.  His emails are etched onto my heart.  He was pursuing me.  He was wooing me.  Just like God had been trying to do.  I didn't deserve it.  He didn't deserve my love and forgiveness, and the same could be said of me.  We are fallen, broken people.  We have hurt each other deeply.  When I see marriages fall apart around me, on a monthly, if not weekly basis, I think "If Kris and I can get through what we've been through and come out stronger than ever, can't others?"  I believe that they can.  I also believe that getting out of a bad marriage isn't always the best course of action.  Please don't feel judged.  I'm not talking to or about anyone in particular.  But sometimes I feeling like divorce is the easy way out.  Or at least, we think it is.  But sooner or later, something will happen.  Something will change.  Something will not work out and we will be left more miserable than we were when we were married.  It is the nature of things.

All I really know about the transformation in our marriage is that God intervened.  God orchestrated a certain set of events that set something in motion that would change the way I would live my life these last two months.  Two months ago, I wasn't sure I wanted to go home.  I was seriously sitting at Jennifer's house, trying to figure out how I could survive on my own.  And in the midst of this, Kris was emailing me.  He was calling me.  Things he hadn't done since we were dating.  And he was saying things that he wanted, things he loved about me.  Things I never thought I would hear him say.  And in the process of those next two days, he began to win my heart back.

You see, I had pushed God over into the corner, so as not to be a hypocrite.  I wasn't going to "fake" being a Christian AND keep living a life that was not consistent with the Bible.  I had closed myself off from Kris, emotionally.  I didn't care what happened between us.  I just knew that something had to change.  That's why I went to stay with Jennifer for a few days.  I needed some time and space to figure out what I wanted.

At that point, I knew that my relationship with God was pretty much non-existent.  I wasn't anywhere close to ready to deal with THAT.  I first had to figure out if I wanted to fight for a marriage I wasn't sure could be saved.  I think that I gave up on our marriage a long time ago.  It all came to a head just over two months ago, and I made the choice to move out for a few days.

It was during this time that Kris really began to see things in a new light.  He realized that his own issues had to change and he also realized that what he really wanted was to spend his life with me.  I didn't see it at the time.  I was blinded by my own run from God.  I always say how much I hate running - but it seemed so much easier running from God, than towards him.  But upon realizing all of these, for the first time in our entire marriage, he began to communicate those things to me.  He won my heart.

So that Sunday, January 19th, I decided to go home, a day earlier than I had planned.  I was terrified.  I wasn't sure what the future would hold.  I had long since given up hope that certain things would/could change.  But I knew that I didn't want to be alone.  And that isn't my only reason for going home.  Sure there was fear about how to provide for myself, without a job or knowing what the next step was.  I'll get to the real reason I chose to go home in a minute.

But I want to go ahead and share with you my first song in my Music That Moves Me series this week.  During the time that I was staying with Jennifer, I heard a song on the radio.  It sounded so much like the things Kris was trying to tell me.  And though I wasn't sure I could believe he would ever really want me again or love me fully, I told him about the song, and it sort of became our first meaningful song together.  It's called "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz.  His song to me.  It reminded me of everything Kris seemed to be trying to show/tell me.  The line that really moves me is "When you're needing your space to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find."  Kris let me have the space I needed, waited patiently, until I came home and told him what I had found.



On February 19, 2012, I woke up with a certainty that I wanted to go home to Kris.  Not because he was willing to take me back.  Not because he was all I had.  Sure...there was some of that.  But the biggest reason I went home is because I WANTED to go home.  You see, over the two days between that Friday and the Sunday I went home, I could see and hear a complete change in Kris.  It was as if I was meeting him for the first time.  In fact, that is why we "started over" so to speak. It's why I call him my boyfriend.  Some day, we will buy each other new wedding rings and renew our vows.  This time understanding what they really mean and doing everything in our power to live by them.

While I was driving home that Sunday night, I heard a song on the radio.  I had heard it once or twice, and because it was by Christina Perri, I already loved it.  And who cares that it is on the soundtrack of Twilight.  That doesn't change the fact that the lyrics moved me to tears.  I was driving along, tears streaming down my face, understanding that the words in that song WERE MY LIFE.  They were what my heart had been searching for and they expressed my heart in away I didn't even realize at first.  The song is called "For A Thousand Years" and when we do renew our vows, I know what I will engrave on Kris' ring.



I wanted my husband back. I wanted to meet this new man, for the first time.;  I realized that I loved him so fiercely, and didn't even know it!

"I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid; I have loved you for a thousand years.
I'll love you for a thousand more.
And all along, I believed that I would find you.
Time has brought your heart to and I have loved you for a thousand years.
I'll love you for a thousand more."

You see...for 12 1/2 years, I really felt like I was dying every day, waiting for Kris to give me his WHOLE heart.  And I realized that even though I was scared and unsure of what the future would hold, and even more, terrified that there was no hope for change, I loved him with such ferocity.  I didn't even know it.  And in that moment, listening to the song, I knew those words depicted my heart.  And while I gave up hope about 7 years ago, I realized that deep down, I had always believed I would find him.  I love the line "Time has brought your heart to me..."  Because this is how it happened to us.  It took a long time.  It took longer than we would have liked and caused so much hurt along the way, but finally, Time (GOD) brought his heart to me, and I realized I had always loved him, and would love him for as long as I have breathe in my lungs and a beating in my heart.

And, last but not least, there is a song that has sort of become our "theme" song, if you will.  Our song.  The song that defines us and gives us hope and strength for the days to follow.  We heard it by chance and the lyrics are just amazing.  Too profound for me to put into words.  We wake up to it (and a few other important-to-us songs) every morning.  And Kris holds me while we listen.  It is a daily reminder of what we want and what we are striving for.

It's called "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt.  There are so many lyrics that jump out at me in this song and I could literally spend all night tearing it apart, breaking it down and showing you how the lines spoke to my heart.  But for now, I will just show you the video.



Favorite lines for different reasons:

--"I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole." (I think Kris and I tried to do this for 12 1/2 years...)

--"Cause you're worth every falling tear; you're worth facing any fear. You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough. Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start." (Kris' promise to me, which brings a lot of comfort to someone who, for years, never felt like they were "worth it".)

--"I won't let sadness steal you from my arms. I won't let pain keep you from my heart. I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I'll share with you."

--"So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed. You're worth all of me. All of me."

--"You're gonna have ALL of me."

I think that's enough for today.  I had better get off of here before I start mindlessly typing gibberish.

--Or, in my case, fall asleep and find myself sitting up on the couch with my laptop still in my lap (which happens to have occurred, evidenced by the fact that this wasn't posted when I woke up on the couch at 3am).--

For more on Music That Moves Me, check out this post.

Phone Photo Fun!

I stumbled upon this cute "meme" where you post pictures that are on your cell phone each week.  Thought I would join in this week.  Here's what I found on my phone.

There's something just so wrong with this sign..."The Best 12 Inches in the Midwest"...REALLY?

Newest necklace I made today.

Close up of the beads on the necklace

Close up of the center of the necklace

New skirt I made (and wore yesterday!).  The jewelry above was to match this.

Best. Breakfast. Ever.

So there you have it.  Not too exciting, except for the bacon.  ;-)  Though I do really love my new skirt and necklace!

Google Reader

I used to read a lot of different blogs.  It was fun, and relaxing.  Google Reader made it really easy.  But when I would lapse, I would eventually return, finding that I had over 1,000 blog posts that were unread.  And I did what any good blogger and blog reader does and marked them all as "read".  Too many times I found myself in this position.  Somehow I got away from reading through my favorite blogs altogether.  Some were written by Godly women and since I was on the run from God, I avoided anything that would remind me of God and what was right.

I'm just now trying to get back to rediscovering all my favorite bloggers.  Today, feeling very agitated and restless, I decided to try to pick up where I left off.  To dig back into the souls and lives of people I've never met and catch up on their lives.  There is a lot to be said for the blogging community. Especially the women and mothers.  You really can find a lot of love and support there.

Today was no exception.  I just stumbled across something that really seemed to describe what I was feeling, and it was a good reminder to me that this new journey I am on is something I have to continue focusing on, minute by minute.

Heidi, over at ...with thankful hearts... wrote this, and it really helped to put my mind and restless heart at ease today.

"Sometimes I feel God's presence much in the same manner than Piglet felt the wind of Winds-day. I feel as if I am holding on for dear life as He swirls above and below me... rocking my world. I think I fear the wind less as I experience it. I'm learning that He has me and He is trustworthy. He will never let go!"

Which of course reminds me of "Never Let Go" by David Crowder Band.  And before I get back to being positive, what is it about his voice that annoys me so much?  So many of their songs have great lyrics, and yet his voice drives me insane!  ANYWAY...back to the blog...

You never let go.
You never let go.
You never let go.
You never let go.

There is something to be said for repetition in some songs.  Thank God that You never let me go!  I needed to be reminded of this tonight.

And then I got to thinking about Rich Mullins. I'm not sure why.  Likely because Jesus wanted to soothe my soul.  And while it isn't the day for "Music That Moves Me", you get this video for free.  It may cost you tomorrow.

The song "Hold Me Jesus" kept running through my head, so of course, I went to YouTube and listened to it.  This song has been around for a very long time, and I haven't heard it since maybe 1998.  And while I knew it would be powerful to me, with my new perspective on God and the Cross, I didn't expect to be so moved and so comforted by it.  It is amazing to me how often, and how deeply, God speaks to me through music.  I'm grateful for it.



Besides the obvious lyrics in the chorus that bring me comfort ("hold me Jesus, cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.  You have been King of my glory.  Won't you be my Prince of Peace."), there is a part of the song that reminded me of what I've done, where I've been, what Christ has done FOR me, and where I am going.

"Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want
Than take what You give that I need.
And I beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees."

Hold me, Jesus.  That is my prayer tonight.

Ungrateful little brats!

Look at these kids.  They look so innocent.  So sweet and loving.  Kind and respectful.

Don't let them fool you.  They're ungrateful little brats.  And yes.  I DO LOVE THEM.

But let me just tell you how I woke up this morning.

By now, my kids (Seriously, thank you God!) are old enough to feed themselves breakfast.  It's the weekend and we just got paid on Friday.  I hadn't had time to go to the store yet to replenish the staples.  But I didn't really expect to hear this, as I groggily came to life:

Kaleb - "Put your cereal bowls away.  Mom still didn't buy any milk."

Oh, did I forget to mention that we had a similar situation yesterday morning, around the same time?

Kaleb - "We can't have cereal because Mommy didn't go to the store!"

He sounded so agitated and exasperated.  Yesterday, Kris and I just lay there in bed, laughing at the sheer audacity of my apparent failures as a mother/grocery shopper.  How DARE I not go to the store????  How dare we not have any milk for two days, after THEY drank 3 gallons in 3 days???  What is wrong with me? What kind of mother am I?

So this morning, after hearing his similar statement, when I finally did get up, I said to him "If I hear one more ungrateful remark about me not buying milk yet, I will never buy you milk again!  We bought more milk this last pay period than we have bought in your entire lives!" I totally DID NOT get all drama queen-ish on them...  

I will state now, for the record (so you can put down the phones and stop dialing child services), we have THREE gallons of milk in the fridge.  Which will be gone likely by Wednesday.

Crazy kids!!

Also, just for a little added humor, I came across a post I had started about a year ago and found something funny that Olivia had said, but I had never posted it.  So, I thought I would share it here now.

Olivia:  "Mommy you have two choices.  You can either give me money or let me play on your phone today.  I'll be your best friend forever.  Those are your only choices."

Me:  "No."

Olivia:  "Then you have to give me all your money."

I love those kids so much!!!

Why do I worry again?

I have two things we all know it will be more than 2 to say.

First and foremost, I'm an idiot.

Second, God is good.

When we were at counseling yesterday and our counselor asked that I be open to restitution and making amends with those I have hurt, I had NO idea God would set up a divine meeting for the SAME DAY!

The friend I referred to yesterday texted me last night, asking if she and I could meet to talk.  This sent me into a severe panic attack, during which I was sick to my stomach and felt like my world was spinning out of control.  I KNEW God wasn't going to let me off that easily...just writing a letter of apology.

But really?

THE SAME NIGHT?

If you have ever thought that God doesn't have a sense of humor, trust me.  He does.  Where do you think I get it?  ;-)

In retrospect, the way it all worked out was really better for me emotionally than had it happened any other way.  Had I known my friend had knowledge of the information she now holds prior to her email confronting it, I likely would have been in an even more agitated and panicky state than I already was, upon learning she knew of this information.  In addition, I spent the greater part of Thursday night and most of Friday trying to assuage my anxiety.  Likely, if we had not met up last night to talk and cry it out, I'd still be a mess of anxiety today. And really, I believe it is preparing me for a different, scarier meeting down the road with one other friend, that I am sure will come some day.  (Dear God, please don't let it be today.  Please?!?)

My first thought, when she said she wanted to meet with me, was to run away.  To be a coward.  To refuse to face my actions, to face her and admit what I had done, apologize and hope that she would someday be able to forgive me.  That thought was immediately replaced with the counselor's voice saying "I want you to be open to making amends" and God saying "Take heart.  I'm right beside you."

All of this took place in my mind, in a matter of seconds, and my decision to go was made before I even told Kris I was going out.  We spent a few minutes talking about it and he prayed with me, and then I left to go meet her.  We sat in a fast food parking lot for two hours, talking and crying.  She extended to me forgiveness and love, even though I had hurt her deeply.  A few weeks ago, I would have left there feeling like the worst person to ever live, constantly inflicting punishment upon myself that Christ already took for me on the Cross.  Instead, I left there KNOWING I am a wretched sinner, but FEELING the freedom that comes from really understanding the Cross.

The way that she handled the situation is to be commended.  She could have done any number of things.  She could have screamed at me.  She could have punched me in the throat.  She could have cursed at me.  She could have shown me hatred and contempt. All of these would have been understood by me and justified on her part.  Instead, she did something that, while uncharacteristic of MOST people in her situation, was so very characteristic of her.  She loved me.  She showed understanding and compassion, in the midst of her own sorrow and confusion and grief over the pain that I had caused her.  Only a sincere relationship with God can allow a person to do this.

Most of you know that I don't do hugs.  I don't like to be touched.  Somehow, as the conversation progressed, I just knew that I would wind up hugging her before the night ended.  And so when she prayed with me at the close of our conversation and asked if she could get a hug, it seemed the most natural thing to do.  It wasn't uncomfortable and in fact, brought a great deal of comfort to me.  It was healing.  I was making amends.  I was doing whatever I could to make restitution for the harm I had caused her.  And it felt good.  I think it was something we both needed.  I don't think in the entire 10+ years I have known her that I have ever hugged her.  And while our friendship can't really continue at this point in time, we both got the closure we needed to move ahead in our lives.  I am deeply saddened that my actions cost us our friendship, but again, consequences.  Collateral damage.  God will give us both the strength we need to heal from the loss of that friendship.

And God brought good out of it.  I went into it terrified, yet doing my best to be strong and courageous.  To trust God.  To give my anxiety to Him and allow Him to care for me.  And He proved faithful.  As always.

Which brings me back to my first two points.

I'm an idiot.

God is good.

Anxiety

There are many different versions of the Bible.  My favorite is the New Living Translation.  I feel like it's more "in your face".  More harsh in some senses, and harsh isn't always bad.  Sometimes you need to see things in a new and different light.  But there is one passage that I have come to love and appreciate in the NIV translation.  And today especially, it is on my heart and I am trying to live by it. I'm not sure what it looks like or how to really accomplish it, but I have been in a constant state of panic today.  Anxious doesn't even begin to describe it.  Yes, there is Xanax, and I am truly thankful to have that.  And perhaps it is time to take it again, but I thought I would write first, pray and try to seek solace and comfort in God too.

While I am very upset that the QT I went to this afternoon did NOT have my white peach tea for me, that isn't the only reason I am anxious.  ;-)  I'm anxious over the thought of amends.  Of restitution.  What is restitution?  Doing a quick Google search, I found two definitions.

1.  The restoration of something lost or stolen to its proper owner.
2.  Recompense for injury or loss.

Amends can be described as compensation.

And while I am partly talking about making amends in some way, at some point in time with my friend that I wrote about yesterday, I am talking about more than just her.  There are other people I have hurt.  People to whom I must make amends.  It scares me.  Actually, what really scares me isn't the part where I try to compensate those that I have hurt.  What scares me is that a time will come when I have to sit down, face to face, with a few people and apologize and be vulnerable and broken before them.  It isn't their reaction that scares me.  God will do what He is going to do, and I trust that He will honor my choosing to make restitution for pain that I have caused.

What scares me is the confrontation itself.  I have NEVER been good in face to face confrontation. I usually wither into a crumbled mess of tears and am unable to speak.  And I wonder if God will one day call me to this, or if it will be another consequence for my mistakes.  It would be easy and comfortable for me to write letters to the people I have wronged.  That is why I suspect that God will not simply allow me to write my thoughts.  I don't know why I think that.  I just do.  Not that God is malicious or vindictive.  But I think that sometimes, He doesn't want us to be comfortable.  Sometimes, our actions are such that we NEED to have the courage to stand before someone and admit that we have done them wrong.  That we have caused them pain.  And while I think, when called to it, I could gather my strength, lean on HIS strength to face those people, I worry still over whether or not I will physically be capable of speaking actual words, instead of just sobbing.

All of that to say that my anxiety is pointless.  I don't have to bear this burden alone.  And to get back to my actual point in writing, I love the way that the NIV words 1 Peter 5:7, since anxiety is a very real hindrance in my life.  It says simply this:

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Other versions use the word cares.  But the NIV uses anxiety.  So what does it look like to cast my anxiety on Him?  Seriously, someone tell me what does it look like?  Enlighten me.  I am not sure how to do this!  And yet, I know that I must.  I have always let fear and anxiety control my life.  And through this process where God is making me new, He is showing me that I need to give my anxiety over to Him as well.  I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  About finding a way to take my anxiety and fears and let God care for me instead; rather than relying solely on Xanax to get me through the days and the panic attacks.  I don't know what form it takes.  Whether it is through prayer, reading the Bible, listening to hymns/praise & worship music, or all of the above.

I am not sure where to start, aside from simply acknowledging to God that I am anxious.  And asking Him to care for me.  Perhaps it is that simple.  I know that I can't just stop my medication cold turkey, but I wonder if I shouldn't use some of these times, instead of reaching for the medication bottle immediately, to cast my anxiety on God FIRST.  As I write this, "Everlasting God" by Chris Tomlin just started playing.

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.
We will wait upon the Lord.
We will wait upon the Lord"

I think I have my answer.

Consequences

There are always consequences for our actions.  Sometimes we get away with things easily.  Not that we get away with them so much as the repercussions aren't always in the public, for everyone to see.  Sometimes our actions affect only us.  Other times, they affect many different people, in many different ways.  There will always be consequences.  Whether you have done something good or bad, something will happen as a result.  We love when we've done something good and someone says "thank you" or we can see a life being changed.  But when we've done something bad, and the consequence comes, it's not always so "pretty".  In fact, it can be downright ugly.  For example, when you lie about something to just one person, usually it only impacts you and that person, depending on the lie.  But there are other things that carry far heavier consequences, that stretch beyond just you and the other person.  If I were to murder someone (I HAVE NO PLANS TO DO THIS), it not only affects me and said victim.  It affects the loved ones of the person killed.  It affects society and how they view the killer.  And it affects the killer's family as well.  Some actions have "greater", more obvious consequences.

And sometimes, there are actions that, while they affect many people, they can stay contained.  The consequences aren't AS widespread.  I lost a very close friend today, because of something in my past.  When she learned of it, the consequences of my actions affected her and essentially ruined our friendship, which came as no surprise.  I completely understand her telling me that our friendship could not continue.  She didn't respond to me in anger, which I am truly grateful for; I think she was more in shock than anything else right now.  I'm sure the anger will come soon enough.  But the loss of that 13 year friendship is a consequence for my actions.

In the past, I would have taken that guilt and shame for my actions, and for the following destruction of the friendship.  I would have let them weigh me down and bury me.  Suffocating me until I was just a shell of who I could be.  A week ago, I would have done this.  A week ago, I would have had a complete meltdown (including severe panic attacks), followed by harshly punishing myself over and over again (mentally) for my actions.

But something happened to me on Good Friday.  When I allowed Jesus to take my punishment, my guilt and my shame.  FREEDOM.  Freedom happened to me.  Release from all that had weighed me down.  Relief from the heavy burden I carried.  I was broken before the Lord and I allowed Jesus to take my sin.  He put it on His shoulders.  He told me that HE was strong enough to carry it.  His love was BIG enough to cover my mistakes.  To set me free.

Titus 2:14 (NLT) - "He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds."

John 8:34-36 (NLT) - "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin.  A slave is not a permanent member of the family, but a son is part of the family forever.  So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.'"

And I tell you all this, not so you will wallow with me in self-pity, which I am not doing, for probably the first time in my life.  I hurt my friend.  I caused her pain.  I did something that will forever change the way that she views me.  I likely damaged our relationship beyond repair, and this is a consequence for my actions.  I recognize that and I am saddened that I hurt her and that she now has to try to come to grips with the reality of my actions.  She has to try to make sense of what happened, and there is no sense to be made.  There's no explaining it away.  There's no "fixing" it.  It happened and there is nothing I can do to change it or to soften her heart towards me.  Consequences.

The reason I tell you this is because I am at peace.  You may not realize it, but to sit here and acknowledge that, and realize that my heart and my mind are at peace (even though my body is still having mild panic attacks off and on that I can't control), is a HUGE step for me.  A leap forward, actually.  One step closer to God.  Each minute of every day, I want to keep taking steps.  I believe the enemy tried to get to me fall back into my same patterns.  To take the knowledge that I had hurt my friend deeply, and turn the pain of that upon myself.  To feel the guilt and the shame and punish myself all over again, for actions I have already punished myself for; punishment that I allowed Jesus to take for me on the Cross.  And the awesome thing is that while the thought was there, there was another thought present, that drowned out the devil's whispers.

You know what that thought was?

"Not this time Satan.  I gave that guilt and that shame to Jesus.  I confessed my sins.  He took my punishment.  He set me free.  And you will not get back into my heart and my mind with your lies.  I am truly free and there is nothing you can do to change what Jesus did for me."

And while I am still saddened at what my friend now has to experience and try to come to grips with, Christ freed me from the guilt and shame.  I can now pray, and I can pray that God will bring her peace and comfort and understanding.  I can pray that she will someday see me the way God sees me.  A sinner, who was lost, but is now found.  Covered by the blood of Jesus.  Maybe she'll forgive me someday.  Maybe what I did is too "big" for her to be able to forgive.  But I refuse to let Satan rule in my heart anymore.  He will not convince me that his lies are the truth.  Because I have been remade (that song is coming NEXT week!).  I am new creation.

One of my new favorite Bible verses is one that Kris preached about last week, on Good Friday.  It comes from Ezekiel 36:24:26 and it says, "For I will gather you up from all the nations and bring you home again to your land.  Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean.  Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols.  And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."

God has done this for me.

I am forever grateful.

Playing with Pinterest - Week 1

By now, most of you are already aware of if not addicted to Pinterest.

How many of you are like me and COULD spend hours a day (and maybe do?) looking at all the fascinating things on Pinterest?

I just thought I would share with you some of the serious and/or funny pictures/quotes/sayings I have found on there.  Is that alright with you?

Oh that's right.

It's my blog.

So I don't care.  ;-)

Before I get to that, though, I'm curious.  What are your "boards" on Pinterest?  I have several.  Below are only a few of them.

BACON

(of course)

I believe this with all my heart.

RECIPES I LOVE

To die for! So is the Pumpkin one.

PINS THAT ANNOY ME WHEN I LOOK AT THEM

I HATE TEETH!!!

SIGNS/QUOTES THAT I LOVE

(this one is my favorite board!)

I'm a little obsessed with The Hunger Games presently.

This cracks me up.

Yes, that is pretty much how it started, and it is still going on!

Ha ha ha!

I love this so much!  Amazing song too.

I saw this on my sister's page and thought it was hilarious!

:-)

I LOVE The Help.

Literally!

I hate to admit it, but I do this WAY too often!

Music That Moves Me - Week 1

If you haven't noticed it yet, I LOVE music.  It is a very important part of my life and who I am.  Music makes me happy.  Music brings me comfort.  Music soothes my soul.  And since recently I have opened up my heart to an entire new genre of music (Christian music that I mostly avoid for the last several years), I decided that instead of posting every day the newest songs that I hear and love, I would dedicate Tuesdays to "Music That Moves Me."  Sure I could have done it on Mondays to keep up with the alliteration, but well, I don't want to wait until next week and I can't in good conscience lie about the day I posted this, so Tuesdays it is.  I never claimed to be the world's most patient person.  I am far from that and those of you that know me well are vigorously nodding your heads in agreement.  To you, I say, SHUT UP.  ;-)

I heard two songs yesterday that made me stop, pull out the laptop, and look up the lyrics.  So that you can fully appreciate the songs, I will try each week to find YouTube videos that have the lyrics with them, even if the videos themselves are lame.  Some of them aren't.  I'm not making fun of ALL videos with lyrics.  I'm simply stating a fact that SOME of them are lame.  Case in point:  there are way too many grammar/spelling errors in the today's second video, but you'll just have to look past it (yes, at least two is too many).  They have the lyrics and the music, so that's what is important, right? If the lyrics aren't in the video, I'll include them in my post.

I know that music doesn't speak to everyone; but to me, it is more than just music, more than just something you listen to. I believe that it can be a form of prayer and music has always taken the shape of prayers for me.  Since I was a little girl.  If I couldn't fall asleep at night or I was afraid, as a child I would sing hymns or praise songs in my head until I fell asleep.  I've always done this, except for the last several years, when I refused to think about real prayer.  But now that I am embracing freedom in Christ, music has once again taken up residence in my heart and in my prayer life.

This weeks songs are lyrically profound and have the added bonus of having an awesome sound as well!

First up, is Sanctus Real, "Whatever You're Doing".  The entire theme of these last seven years has been "broken".  I was broken.  My heart had been broken.  My marriage had been broken.  And this song really seems to describe what happened to me on Friday, when I finally surrendered.  My favorite line is "it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace; though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see".  So true.



Next, "For the Life of Me" by This Beautiful Republic.  This is the first song I have ever heard by them and I know it won't be the last.  Disclaimer, I almost didn't post this video because there is at least one word that is spelled wrong, but I really wanted you to see the words, so I chose to tolerate it.  I know, I know.  This goes against my grammar anxieties, but it was necessary. I can't really put any words to this song but simply show you what is already there; I will say that if I HAD to choose a favorite line (and it happens to be the one that is misspelled!), it would be "I've disappointed you, like a rose that never blooms. Failing to display my heart to you".  And even though "disappointed" should only has ONE "s", take a listen.  Very powerful song!

Beautiful Creation

I've always had "issues" (that word has become overused) with my self-esteem.  I've always felt like I was ugly, overweight, not good enough.  I believed the lies my mirror told me.  The lies Satan constantly whispered into my ear.  Kris and I were talking last night and I told him about two different experiences I had had this weekend.

One occurred on Saturday, while driving to my mother-in-law's.  We took Katherine out with us to see The Hunger Games (that could be a completely different post and likely will be soon), eat lunch and get pedicures. A fun day was had by all.  Katherine is already halfway through Catching Fire.  I love her passion for reading and getting to share in such a great story with her.  While on my way to Cindy's, I began thinking about my struggles with how I see myself and was struck with a thought.  "You are a beautiful creation.  I made you, and you are beautiful just the way you are."  I have no doubt that God was speaking to me.  And for the first time in 33 years, I believed Him.  When I shared that with Kris, he had a huge smile of relief on his face and said "I've been praying that you would see that since we got married."

The other experience happened at church yesterday morning.  We decided to call The Outpost our church home for a while (until God calls us somewhere else).  We just really felt this pull there, and I feel a great sense of comfort there.  Not a sense of being comfortable among the congregation, though that is certainly there even though we've only been twice.  But a sense of actual, tangible comfort for hurting and broken people, which Kris and I admittedly are.  The kids enjoy it as well, which is a plus.  The preacher, Tony, is real.  I like REAL people.  People who will get up to preach and admit that they have struggles just like the rest of us.  Too often in churches, it feels like the pastor (and everyone else) is doing just fine, while a small minority of us are sinners with lives that are crumbling around us.  I know that every church is full of sinners, which in my opinion is as it should be, but there are some churches where it feels like everyone but you has it all together.

So, while a song I can't remember now was playing, I had a moment with God.  I haven't had something like this happen in probably 9 years.  The reason I can't remember the song I think is not because it wasn't important, but because I was too distracted by this experience God wanted to have with me.  One minute I was listening to the words, because I had never heard it before, and the next I had this very clear picture of God smiling down at this "new" me.  The me that He has remade, and He was reaching down His hand to me, as if to say "I accept you and I love you, and I'm so happy you have come back home." It was such an amazing experience!

Still celebrating

I know that a lot of you aren't used to all this "God" stuff I've been posting lately, but I can't apologize for it.  Well, I can.  But I won't.  I've always been one to just write whatever is going on in my life and in my heart, and GOD is going on in my life and in my heart.  So, if this offends you or turns you away, it won't bother me if you choose not to read my blog.  If you intend to stick around, don't worry.  There will still be funny, sarcastic posts.  That's still me.  I didn't lose my sense of humor just because God captured my heart.  But it is important to me to document this journey that I am on and where I am at in my life; so if there are a lot of posts about God, it is because He is very real to me, in a way I never fully comprehended before.  And I can't help but write about it.

That being said, while perusing Facebook this morning, per my usual let's-be-lazy-first-thing-in-the-morning routine that sometimes continues into early afternoon, I came across a video someone had posted.  I don't always watch the videos posted all over Facebook, but the title of the video intrigued me.  And because this understanding is still so fresh and new for me, I still find myself trying to take in every new song that relates to Jesus' death on the Cross; as you are well aware, music speaks to me, and now, the significance of the Cross and Jesus taking my punishment is so real, I'm still grasping on to everything that reminds me of Christ's sacrifice.  Watching this video, I was NOT disappointed.  It touched my heart and even though "Easter" is over, doesn't mean we have to stop celebrating!  Nor should we.  I think each day should be lived in the shadow of the Cross and what was done for us.

Olivia

We do this thing called "time" with the kids, where we spend time with each of  them individually before bed. We're really creative with naming things, as you can clearly see. The kids really started calling it that. Now it's funny to hear them ask at night if we "have time for time."

Tonight, while with Olivia, she said she didn't want me to read my Bible unless I read her favorite story. I asked what it was. She said "Joseph and the coat of many colors." I told her she would have to get a different Bible, since my One Year Bible is not exactly in order.

She ran out of the room and yelled "Is my children's Bible ok?"

I yelled back "Does it have that story in it?"

She responded, almost annoyed, with "Of course!"  Like at Christmas, when she opened what we thought was to be an inflatable chair. Being possibility allergic to latex, she said "Is this rubber?" Then she ran to Kris with it, yelling "What is wrong with you people?!?"

How was I supposed to know what stories were in her children's Bible? It's mainly a picture book!

Ahhh the joys of having kids that make me laugh every day!