An Easter Offering

Taking the advice of our counselor, I wrote my thoughts on "Why I Deserve to be Punished." He encouraged me to burn it, as a symbolic sacrifice. It seemed important to me that it be done on Good Friday, and we also wanted to let the kids participate. Kris and the kids took some time to write their own "list" of sins they deserved punishment for, while I put together some songs that I wanted to listen to as a family. After listening to songs about God's forgiveness and Christ's sacrifice, we went outside to the grill with our papers and a lighter. This seemed the safest place for our sacrifice! While this song was playing, Katherine, Olivia and Abbey laid their papers on our makeshift altar and we watched them burn.

 

Kris and Kaleb went next, while Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) played. I went last. I videoed all of it until it was my turn. I gave my phone to Kris and had him video while I set my sins on fire and allowed Jesus to take the punishment for me. This is a short clip of my paper burning. I love the timing of the song with when my "sins" really caught the flame and began to burn.

 

What I found so interesting, beyond the timing of the words while I laid my sins on the altar, was that for some reason, my paper wouldn't continue burning. Everyone else's burned quickly and fully. Mine was stubborn though. There was a corner of the paper, maybe 2x2 inches, that wouldn't burn. I stood there trying to relight it, to burn it completely. It was imperative to me that it burn completely. And yet, it was as if Satan was trying to get in the way. Trying to keep me from giving it ALL. But I persisted and finally my sins were gone. Satan no longer has that hold on me. I am no longer holding on to the burden of guilt and shame that has haunted me and held me down for so many years.

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I picked up my Bible, with the intention of opening it up and reading it. I've had a One Year Bible for years and, not surprisingly, I never did read through it in a year.   It has been on my bedroom floor for at least 6 months. It has been much, much longer since I actually opened it.  But I really wanted to read it. I wanted to open it to April 6th, which is how it is designed if you are unfamiliar, and see what God's word held. I was a bit skeptical when I opened up and saw that it was in the middle of Deuteronomy. I immediately thought "Well, this isn't going to have anything relevant."

What an idiot I am sometimes!

It began with Deuteronomy 29. It was all about a COVENANT that God made with Israel. As soon as I saw the word covenant, only 7 words in, I just shook my head at myself, eager to see what God wanted to say to me. Because I had, in a way, actually made a covenant with God to allow Jesus to take the punishment for my sins, I loved verse 9. "Therefore, obey the terms of this covenant so that you will prosper in everything you do." It isn't the part about prospering so much as the command to obey the terms of the covenant that really struck home with me.  God was saying "You made this covenant, now obey.  REMEMBER."

Verse 18 says "I am making this covenant with you so that no one among you-no man, woman, clan, or tribe-will turn away from the Lord our God to worship these gods of other nations, and so that no root among you bears bitter and poisonous fruit." This word ROOT has great significance for me. Through counseling, we are trying to find the ROOTS that tie us down and enslave us.  I shouldn't have been surprised at all that God was talking to his people about their ROOTS.

The reading for the day continued into Deuteronomy 30. Verse 6 jumped out at me. "The Lord your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live!" It was as if God was reaffirming everything that had transpired earlier in the day.

Verses 11-15 were a soothing balm for me to read:

"This command I am giving you today is not too difficult for you to understand, and it is not beyond your reach. It is not kept in heaven, so distant that you must ask, 'Who will go up to heaven and bring it down so we can hear it and obey?' It is not beyond the sea, so far away that you must ask, 'Who will cross the sea to bring it to us so we can hear it and obey?' No, the message is very close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart so that you can obey it. Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster."  I CHOOSE LIFE.

The next passage was from Luke, still a part of the reading for April 6th.  As I read Luke 12:6-7, I felt like God's love was just washing over and through me and it was a great source of comfort to me.  It was the culmination of everything that had been building up in my heart these last few days.

"What is the price of five sparrows--two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."

Wow.

Let's lighten it up a bit

I thought I would take a break from the heaviness and see if my kids have anything interesting to say. I did this activity just over 3 years ago, and I thought it would be fun to see if their answers have changed. Katherine is now 11, Kaleb 10, Abbey 9, and Livvy is 6.

So here is what is going to happen. I'm going to interview them and record their answers for all to see.

1. What is something mom always says to you?

Katherine - "I am loved, I am beautiful, I am going to do amazing things."
Kaleb - "I love you."
Abbey - "I'm loved, I'm beautiful and I am going to do great things."
Livvy - "Be quiet." (3 years ago it was "stop crying")

2. What makes mommy happy?

Katherine - "When I'm sarcastic."
Kaleb - "Bacon."
Abbey - "When we obey her."
Livvy - "When I obey you."

3. What makes mommy sad?

Katherine - "When daddy tries to do stuff and you get mad at him and then you're sad afterwards."
Kaleb - "No bacon."
Abbey - "When we annoy her."
Livvy - "When I don't obey you."

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

Katherine - "Whenever she is sarcastic."
Kaleb - "Sarcasm."
Abbey - "When she tells funny jokes."
Livvy - "She doesn't." ---whatever

5. What was your mommy like as a child?

Katherine - "How am I supposed to know?"
Kaleb - "I don't know."
Abbey - "She looked like Olivia."
Livvy - "Lucky."

6. How old is your mommy?

Katherine - "32."
Kaleb - "33 I think."
Abbey - "56?"
Livvy - "Give me a hint." (I said no, so she cheated and looked at Kaleb's answer.

7. How tall is your mommy?

Katherine - "5 ft 2"
Kaleb - "I have no idea."
Abbey - "She's 12 feet 12 inches." - wow
Livvy - "50."

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

Katherine - "Use sarcasm."
Kaleb - "I don't know."
Abbey - "Sew."
Livvy - "Sit." - she explained further "because you never get up"

9. What does your mommy do when you're not around?

Katherine - "Eat delicious food without us."
Kaleb - "Cuss." - um...no comment...
Abbey - "Go on Facebook."
Livvy - "Stay home and sew."

10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?

Katherine - "Cooking."
Kaleb - "Cooking."
Abbey - "Sewing."
Livvy - "To be a rock star." - huh?

11. What is your mommy really good at?

Katherine - "Cooking."
Kaleb - "Cooking."
Abbey - "Pampered Chef."
Livvy - "Monopoly."

12. What is your mommy not very good at?

Katherine - "Being mean."
Kaleb - "I don't know."
Abbey - "Shopping because we don't have very much money to buy good clothes."
Livvy - "Indiana Monopoly." - She's hilarious...because she annihilated me at Indianapolis Monopoly!

13. What does your mommy do for a job?

Katherine - "She makes headbands."
Kaleb - "Make headbands."
Abbey - "Um, she sometimes substitutes, she does Spanish, she sews stuff together and she does Pampered Chef."
Livvy - "Sell headbands."

14. What is your mommy's favorite food?

Katherine - "Bacon."
Kaleb - "Bacon."
Abbey - "Pear?"
Livvy - "Salad."

15. What makes you proud of your mommy?

Katherine - "She works hard."
Kaleb - "Your sarcasm."
Abbey - "That she's pretty and she loves me."
Livvy - "When she um thinks about us."

16. What do you and your mom do together?

Katherine - "We talk."
Kaleb - "Cook sometimes."
Abbey - "We talk."
Livvy - "Sometimes I play some family games with you."

17. How are you and your mom the same?

Katherine - "We're both sarcastic."
Kaleb - "Sarcasm and OCD-ism." --ha ha ha ha
Abbey - "We are both girls."
Livvy - "We both get tired." - too true...

18. How are you and your mom different?

Katherine - "I don't know."
Kaleb - "We aren't."
Abbey - "We don't look the same."
Livvy - "I talk a lot and my mom doesn't." -I don't think she knows me very well.

19. How do you know your mommy loves you?

Katherine - "Because of everything she does."
Kaleb - "Cause she says it all the time and I believe her." -I love that he said he believes me.
Abbey - "Because she says it and shows it."
Livvy - "Because she cares about us."

20. What does your mom like most about your dad?

Katherine - "He's smart."
Kaleb - "I don't know."
Abbey - "That he's good for her."
Livvy - "Because our mom is closer to God now." -still doesn't make much sense in context of the question, but it's true...

21. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go?

Katherine - "Away from her family."
Kaleb - "Casino."
Abbey - "Michaels."
Livvy - "QuikTrip."

All four of those answers above are true! I love my kids!

Counseling

Yeah...that's right. I'm admitting it. I'm in counseling. And you know what?

IT'S OK!!!

Sometimes I think there is a stigma attached to counseling or depression or other "issues", and I don't care if anyone thinks it's something that I should keep quiet about. What can I say? I'm a rebel.

Let's be real and talk about REAL LIFE. Because you know what? Sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes it's hard. MOST of the time it's hard. Marriage is hard. Sometimes, staying married seems next to impossible. Kris and I are imperfect people, trying to live as a married couple, and really we have NO IDEA what we are doing. So I am in counseling. Kris is in counseling. WE ARE IN COUNSELING. And...dare I say it...MARRIAGE counseling. The horror! (Yes, I am being sarcastic, if you couldn't tell.) Look, I don't really think there is anything wrong with it and I am not ashamed to admit that we needed/still need help. I think every married couple should be in counseling. Good marriage or bad...you can only benefit from marriage counseling.

If you know me, you know that I do NOT believe in coincidence. I believe that those "coincidences" are messages from God. Sometimes we close our eyes to seeing the truth in that. I know that I spent the last seven years ignoring those movements of God. I shoved God aside. I had my reasons. They weren't good ones. But they were my reasons, my excuses. And when Kris and I reached our lowest point back in February, a breaking point really, I finally began to open my eyes. At first, it was just one eye, barely open. As days went by and I saw God's hand at work in my life and in Kris' life, and in our marriage, I decided it was safe to open both eyes. And today, for the first time in a VERY long time, my eyes are WIDE OPEN.

Today's counseling session was HUGE for me. As I said previously, I've struggled with forgiving myself. I've carried the burden of shame and guilt alone; shame and guilt that has built up over the last 20+ years of my life. And after 20 years, it gets to be unbearable. I realized with ringing clarity today that I have NEVER in my life truly understood Christ's sacrifice on the Cross. I knew about it. I teach my kids about it. I believed it. But I just never fully comprehended the magnitude of it. It wasn't until today, during counseling, that it finally made sense. I have carried the guilt of my life of sin, not letting it go, because if God wouldn't punish me like I thought He should, I believed that I had to punish myself. I knew that punishment was a consequence of sin. And I knew that God is a loving and forgiving God. But I never felt like confessing my sin came with any kind of tangible punishment.  And I had it in my head that it was supposed to.  Punishment for sin plus a loving and forgiving God did not equal anything that made sense to me, though I never realized it.  So taking that flawed logic, I held on to my sins. Every. Single. One. And there are many. Though some were confessed, and some were not, I didn't accept God's forgiveness. I took the responsibility of punishment upon myself. It sounds foolish, but I do not believe that I am a fool. I just didn't understand that there was another way. I don't think I really understood what Jesus' death really meant.

Our counselor pointed out today that we all seem to "get" Easter and what it means. Up in our heads. But we don't always truly grasp the depth of what it really means, in our hearts. And for some reason, I am in a unique position to really, truly understand exactly what Jesus' death meant now.  I've been carrying around this heavy burden, punishing myself over and over again. I just couldn't forgive myself. For anything. I heard God today, in the words of our counselor.  He told me that I was right. I DO deserve to be punished for my sin.  And instead of lecturing me on "giving it to God" and all that "churchy-talk" (yes, that's a word; I just made it up), he guided me into an understanding of, not God, but Jesus.

I'm standing before God, buried under a mound of sin. I'm just a speck compared to the amount of sin that surrounds me. He is ready to punish me. And I know I deserve it. But then, after some discussion about punishment for sin, our counselor said "What if today, on Good Friday, you allow Jesus to take the punishment for you?" I believe my exact words were "Well when you put it that way, it makes a lot of sense."

I finally saw the connection.  My dot-to-dot puzzle that had letters and numbers in a different language was translated to English.  Jesus already stepped forward and offered to take my sin on his shoulders. He offered to carry them to the Cross. To be beaten, to suffer and to die. As a punishment for MY sin. Not just everyone else in the world. But for ME.  I've spent so many years believing in the Cross.  Believing that there is healing and forgiveness and mercy.  But today, I finally understood that it is there for ME too. I've spent so long punishing myself, because I didn't comprehend what Jesus was really offering to me. "The Cross" always seemed like this big picture, abstract concept. That it applied to the world, to everyone, and that's just how it was.  Until today, I don't think I truly ever really believed that Jesus took the punishment for individuals, for every single person; and that it included me.

Because I didn't understand, and because I didn't believe it, I have resisted letting Jesus take my place. But today, everything will change. Today, for the first time, I get it.  I finally understand.  And I believe.  And I will let Jesus take the punishment for every evil deed that I have done. I will nail it to the Cross and I will finally be free.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm overwhelmed, thinking about the magnitude of it all. And of course, once again, God used music to speak even louder to me.  When counseling was over, I turned the radio on. Usually I listen to a book and for a LONG time, I avoided Joy FM.  I am not the kind of person that can be living a life of sin and pretend to have it all together with God at the same time, so I usually intentionally avoided it.  But today, I turned Joy FM on and the song that was playing was "Ocean Floor" by Audio Adrenaline. One line from that song kept resonating, with regards to my sins. "They're all behind you. They'll never find you. They're on the ocean floor." It just seemed like God was trying to reinforce what I wrote this morning about forgiveness.

Immediately following that, I heard "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless, a song I had never heard before. It's as if God wanted to tell me that I can finally let go of all my fear, and give my sin and punishment to Jesus; allowing him to take my place on the Cross.



And finally, as I was pulling into my driveway with Joy FM still on, I heard Amazing Grace for the first time. Really HEARD it. With my heart. I grew up on hymns. I grew up singing that song. Whenever I sang it, I never truly appreciated the words. Of course, it's a beautiful story about redemption and freedom from sin. But I had never really experienced that kind of grace. Until today. And while I am an advocate for singing hymns the way they were written, including all six verses of Trust and Obey, I really love this version of Amazing Grace, by Chris Tomlin that adds "My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing grace."

Forgiveness

I mentioned last night some of my struggles with forgiving myself. I finally understand that I just really don't get this concept of forgiveness. I grew up in the church. I went to Bible college. I understand the idea behind it. I have extended forgiveness to others, time and time again. But to say that I believe I have truly experienced it for myself...I don't think I can. Because I won't allow myself to forgive myself for wrongs I have done to others, I can't truly understand and accept God's forgiveness. There is something standing in the way.

And it's me.

So, when I heard "East to West" yesterday and really listened to the lyrics, I could really FEEL those lyrics. It's all about KNOWING that God forgives us and casts our sins away, but still not understanding just how far away He has cast them.

The concept of this song comes from Psalm 103:12 (NLT). "He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." I love the way this translation doesn't just say He has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west, but that He has removed our sins as far FROM US. I'm the one that keeps holding onto them and keeping them close to me. God keeps trying to pull them far from ME.

My favorite line in the song is this:

"Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in. Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way."

There is another line that seemed to jump out at me, as I have come to admit that I am NOT active in this relationship between me and God, and it brought me some small amount of comfort. "I'm not holding onto You, but You're holding on to me."

Some day (soon I hope!) I will find healing and peace and really understand this concept of forgiving myself and accepting God's forgiveness...



I realized after I finished this that today is Good Friday. How appropriate that I should be thinking about it and pondering this concept of forgiveness, on the very day that marks our Christian reminder of The Cross and what Jesus suffered for us.

You ready for this?

I'm going to bare my soul.  There is a lot, and so I think that rather than type for hours, I'll try to break these posts up each day, so I don't scare you away.  And those of you familiar with my writing, especially when I have something weighing on my heart, know that even this post will take hours to read might be a little longer than usual.

By nature, I tend to place blame on myself, whether it is warranted or not.  I have a problem forgiving myself, even for things that happened 17 years ago, when I was young and naive and didn't know anything about life and the "real world".  And it is even worse now, when I make mistakes and am faced with the consequences.  I carry a very heavy burden of guilt and shame.  Each year, each month, each day, each minute, the burden grows.  Until I am here, now.  Drowning in the guilt and shame I have not allowed God to take from my shoulders.

I know all the right answers.  I know in my head that GOD should be the one carrying those, taking those away, restoring me.  But after 33 years of life experience, I finally realize that I have been incapable of truly convincing my heart that God's grace and forgiveness extends to ME.

I have no problem believing that God loves unconditionally and forgives everyone. Except for me.  Not that he can't.  Not that he won't.  But that I don't deserve it.  Kris would argue that none of us do really, which usually just makes me mad but that's a story for another time.  While I understand what he is really implying, my reasoning and crazy, psychotic, completely insane somewhat flawed rationale leave me feeling as if I have to punish myself.  If God isn't going to punish me, I feel this need to punish myself.

I've been going to counseling for approximately two months and have realized that I never really understood what God's unconditional love really was, or what it meant.  I KNOW about it.  I've actually SEEN it demonstrated through my husband, as he has loved me through some very dark times in our marriage.  But I don't really UNDERSTAND it in my heart.  Deep down where it matters.  And seeing Kris demonstrate that kind of love, instead of accepting it, I am astounded and I find myself asking "Why?"  How could he?  Why would he?  I am NOT an easy woman to live with.  I know many of you are shaking your heads vigorously right now, those of you who know me, thinking "poor Kris".  Why the man continues to put up with me, and further...really LOVE me...I just don't really get it.  I do BELIEVE it.  Finally.  I didn't used to.  But I do at least believe that he loves me.  I just can't get past the WHY.

I have some crazy notion that unconditional love should apply to everyone but me, even though I know that it is completely natural and healthy absurd.  So, I am really trying to wrap my head around it and really discover God all over again, as Kris and I have been discovering each other in new ways, renewing our marriage.  I guess I'm really starting over with God again too, like I did with Kris.

February 11, 2012 is a day that is etched into my memory and deep in my heart.  It is a day that I will never forget.  It began what would become the worst week of my life to date.  During the following 8 days, I wasn't sure that I would survive.  I wasn't sure I wanted to.  I didn't know who I was, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, whether I wanted to fight for my marriage.  I wasn't even sure I cared about anything at all.  And I wasn't sure that what was broken between Kris and I would ever be fixed.  Kris and I have some deep wounds.  Wounds we have inflicted on each other.  For the last seven years, we had basically just been existing together;  we lost each other somewhere along our 12 year journey together.  And I will never forget the things that transpired since that day.

God's hand was working in so many different ways.  There is too much to include in this blog post.  Don't worry.  It'll be in my book someday.  ;-)  Counseling the last two weeks was very emotional for me.  We were working hard, I think trying to get to the roots behind this wall I have up, between me and God.  While I have given my heart fully to my husband in a way I never thought I could again, and he has done the same in return, I have still been wrestling with this concept of a God who loves NO MATTER WHAT, forgiving myself (for pretty much everything I've ever done wrong in the last 33 years), who I am, and what the next step is.  It has been so overwhelming at times.  Since counseling last Friday, I really felt like God was tugging at my heart.  I can't even tell you how long it has been since I ALLOWED MYSELF to feel that.  Kris keeps saying that God is wooing me.  I believe it, and I know that Kris' prayers for my heart and my soul are being heard and that God is working and moving.  It isn't a matter of IF I will let him back in.  It's a matter of when.

Today I experienced something so powerful.  I had picked up Casting Crowns' CD "The Altar an the Door" from the library and was listening to "Slow Fade" which I wrote about not too long ago.  I had focused on just that song, as I find it so descriptive of where I found myself on February 11, 2012.  Today though, something compelled me (God very likely) to keep listening.  I drove out to St. Charles for a much needed (ok, not really NEEDED) trip to Hobby Lobby while the songs played.  I found myself trying with much difficulty to hold back the tears as the words from this CD washed over me.  When I got to "Somewhere in the Middle", I quit fighting and let the tears fall.  It's like this CD was written for me, for this time in my life.

I couldn't blog well from my phone, but I knew I needed to get my thoughts down.  So I emailed Kris.  Here is some of what I wrote to him, concerning this CD.

"Each song seemed like some sort of progression.

Right after "Slow Fade" is "East to West". I had heard that song before but never really thought about the words much. As I listened, I was barely able to hold the tears back, but I stubbornly did, not letting myself feel it. I didn't pay much attention to the next song, "The Word is Alive", but then as "The Altar and the Door" came on and I listened to the words, the tears threatened to spill over again. And then, "Somewhere in the Middle" came on. The tears flowed and the words just washed over me. I didn't have any kind of deep insight or anything, and I can still feel myself holding onto everything, but that song described how I felt. I thought I was on one end and God on the other. I realized through those lyrics that no, I wasn't at the other end; I was somewhere in the middle, between the altar and the door. The next song "I Know You're There" didn't do much to help me pull myself together. Then there was this song called "Prayer for a Friend" and I just got this sense that some people are likely praying that for me. It's all this progression. Starting with "Slow Fade" and making choices over time that change you. Then a song about how far God's forgiveness extends. Then a song about God's word being real and alive. Then a song about being between the altar and the door, compounded by the next one about being caught in the middle, and a song acknowledging God's presence even when we don't feel it, a prayer for someone who is wrestling with all those things. And lastly, the song that ends the CD is called "All Because of Jesus". Normally I wouldn't have thought much about this, except that it is the first song they sang in chapel on Tuesday at school. I had never heard it before and didn't really give it much thought then, but I find it interesting (to say the least) that it is on this album. I just...I don't know. I feel like I'm on the verge of something. I'm not sure what. A breakthrough maybe. I can feel my heart being tugged and I am not too stupid to not know who is pulling at it, trying to pull my walls down.

I knew I wanted write it down, and will continue listening to the album because I know God is trying to reach me through the songs on it and how it just seems to resemble my life, my struggles, my being "stuck" in the middle. And I know that the songs that follow are the key; they contain the truth my heart needs to understand.

And I think Satan was trying to prevent me from hearing it honestly. When I put the cd in, it said "no". Literally. It read "CD NO". And it wouldn't play the CD. I tried ejecting it and it kept saying no. I finally kept at it, and it eventually came out. I wiped it down then put it back in. Same problem. It said no. I ejected it again (it resisted) and I thought about just putting it away when it finally did come out, but I was determined to listen to the CD. Finally it started playing...and this is where I wound up.

I'm close. I can feel it. I shared with Sheri and then you last night that I was scared of the pain that comes from surrender, even though I know at the end comes redemption. I think it was important for me to acknowledge that out loud. It's that fear of experiencing pain that holds me back. But I think that is the next step. Ripping off that band-aid I put over my heart and allowing God to heal what is broken. "

So that is where I am at right now.  Below I have included a video (with lyrics) of the song that really reached into, and took hold of, my heart.  I hope that if you are in the same place that I find myself, this song brings you a measure of comfort, as it has me.

New Girl

I love New Girl.

The End.

Kids Against Cancer

Every year I participate in a Relay for Life event for a friend who sells Tastefully Simple. This year I went with my "pink ribbon" headbands and my "other" business (my night job), and Katherine went with me. She was very helpful!

It was during this event, listening to my friend Rhonda talking about Relay that Katherine decided she wanted to start her own Relay team. We talked about it and the team has officially registered! We now have 9 people on our team. Granted, 6 of them are my family, and 3 are my brother-in-law, my mother-in-law and her husband, but it's a start! :-) Our team goal is $1500 and our team name, decided by Katherine and me is Kids Against Cancer. We will be setting up several fundraisers over the next 125 days. Our event is on Aug. 3. If you are interested in joining our team, you can do so here, or give a donation.

Just as a little background, my brother-in-law Brandon was diagnosed with testicular cancer back in 2005 and is currently in remission.

Katherine's motivation was based on her just naturally being kind-hearted and compassionate, as well as in honor of a boy that died of leukemia from her second grade class 3 years ago.  I am so proud of her for stepping up at eleven years of age and wanting to be a part of this.

All four kids are signed up and each have their own goals.  Kaleb set his for $30, Katherine and Abbey for $50 and Olivia (age 6) declared that she would raise $90.  This was after talking her down from one million and then one hundred.  I tried to get her to choose between $25 and $50 but she was insistent, so $90 it is!  If you are interested in donating to one of the children's goals, please let me know and I will get you to the right place.  The link above is for our team page in general.  The picture featured is my brother-in-law with my kids. We felt it was a fitting picture for the team!

At the fundraising event today, I met an eleven year old girl who also has been gathering a team with her friends at school.  She bought one of my pink ribbon headbands for herself and wants to do a fundraiser with them as well!  Pretty exciting for me, and they're all going to look SO cute with their matching headbands!

Movies

I have been sick since Friday evening.  In the middle of a live viewing of America's Got Talent auditions (which I will write about SOON.  I hope.)  So I spent all of Saturday afternoon and evening (after Kaleb's last basketball game) laying in bed watching movies.  And I pretty much did the same thing on Sunday.

Thus far, the movies that I can remember watching (in no particular order and some with Kris/kids, some alone):

Sliding Doors
GREAT movie.  I think I am starting to believe that I really like Gwyneth Paltrow as an actress and I loved her in Country Strong. 

Griffin & Phoenix
I really liked this movie, though the ending did not satisfy me.

Thor
GOOD movie, I really enjoyed it.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Kris and I had already seen this but we let the kids watch it for movie night last night.  And of course, I liked it, because I'm cool like that.

Riding in Cars with Boys

I love this movie.  I do NOT remember crying that much the first time I watched that movie, but Kris insists I did.

Benny and Joon

I can't tell you how many times I have seen this movie but I love it so much!  I really like Mary Stuart Masterson's performance and I love Johnny Depp's character in this movie almost as much as his role as Captain Jack Sparrow.

End of the Spear

AWESOME MOVIE!  I have loved Jim Eliott and am fascinated over and over again by his "story" ever since a truly wonderful woman named Debbie Cooper taught me about him in Sunday School, a very LONG time ago.  I cried A LOT at the end of this movie too.  Go here to see the trailer for this movie.  If you've never heard of it or seen it, give it a try.  Even if you don't care about missionaries, God, etc...it is an excellent movie.

Beyond the Gates of Splendor

A great documentary (which I usually hate-primarily because I've never seen any), which "documents" what happened to missionaries Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Ed McCully, Peter Fleming, and Roger Youderian in 1956, beside a river in Ecuador.  It also goes into detail about the wives/children and what they went through, how the missionaries all came together and took the journey that ended up in death (AND ultimately LIFE) for them.  It also shows several of the Auca (Huaorani) Indians, and their versions of what happened that day and in the days and years following.  AMAZING story.  I wrote what was supposed to be a ten page paper in college on Jim Eliott, and I think it wound up being at least 20+ pages.  Shocking, I know...

But in the midst of all of this, I found myself saying twice this weekend that unless people died in movies, I didn't like them.  Or rather, that I like movies where someone dies.  Does that make me crazy?  Don't answer that.  I already know the answer.  Two of the movies that I watched over the weekend had me wishing one (or more) of the characters had died.  I won't say which ones, because I don't want to provide any spoilers for any you haven't already seen.  But I really felt like I should break out My Girl and Bridge to Terabithia to get my "good guy/girl dies" fix.

If you end up watching End of the Spear and/or Beyond the Gates of Splendor, or have already seen them, please email me (or just leave a comment) and let me know your thoughts.  I'd love to hear your reactions to the movie(s) and the story.

What is that?

So tonight, Kris (who will henceforth be called my boyfriend-since I'm starting over, we decided we would "date" again, so don't be confused if you hear/"see" me refer to him that way) went to pick up a prescription for me (because he's awesome like that), only to find out that the Walgreens I sent it to was already closed.  But he brought home my favorite tea (the ultimate gift of love-aside from Jesus of course).  He handed me a turtle (chocolate and caramel, not water/land-dwelling), and a red-wrapped chocolate something.  He said he didn't know what it was, so in case I didn't like it, he handed me a green wrapped candy, the size of a truffle that was actually a Junior Mint (though I don't think you can call it Junior).  So I decided to investigate to see what this mystery candy was.  As soon as I opened it and spotted the clear-ish liquid seeping from the chocolate exterior, I knew it was a chocolate covered cherry.  Since he was in the other room I said loudly "This is a chocolate covered cherry."  I hate chocolate covered cherries.  I further surmised that this one didn't even have the white creamy goodness that is the only redeeming part of a chocolate covered cherry and I relayed this to him as well.  But I wasn't going to let a cherry stand in my way.  I bit the chocolate in half, capturing the side with the cherry.  I removed the cherry from my mouth and put it in the wrapper, and declared victory (out loud for Kris to hear) over the cherry and consumed just the chocolate and liquid whateverthatis.

That's when Olivia, who should have been asleep an hour ago, decides to chime in quite adorably (manipulative little girl) "Don't judge it by its cover."  I had to ask Kris to repeat it because I couldn't hear her.  So he did and when he told me, she added "Or how it looks."  It was quite amusing.  She is ALWAYS doing stuff like that.  She reminds me so much of Abbey in how she does things like that.  You know, that cute way that a kid sounds or the look on their face as they say something completely adorable when they know full well they are supposed to be ASLEEP?  Yeah...that.

By the way...life HAD been somewhat turbulent for a few weeks (which I mentioned briefly in my last update last month), thus the lack of writing on my part.  Things are starting to settle back into a somewhat normal-ish something or other, and as I was going to quickly just shorten this story so I could quote Livvy in my Facebook status, I decided I would just go ahead and post it to my blog.  I'm sure that my Facebook friends who don't really care at all what I say but haven't bothered to hide me from their feeds would appreciate that.  You're welcome.

So, I'd like to say "I'm back...to writing regularly...again...for real this time..." (this sounds a lot like my battle with food/weight loss) but I'm taking life one day at a time now.  Some days it's hours and minutes at a time.  I hope to document my journey, very vaguely of course because some things are just TOO personal (YES THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TOO PERSONAL FOR EVEN ME TO WRITE ABOUT), but I have to just see how the next day goes, after it gets here.

I know I went a little overboard with the parentheses but since I love them so much, it seemed only fitting to include so many in this post.   In reality, I gave it no thought at all until I read back through this and saw them all.  Then I realized that it isn't just in my writing.  (I'm pretty sure that I THINK in parentheses.)  ;-)

Starting Over

Two weeks ago tonight my life changed drastically. Most people didn't notice the change or don't know the details, because well quite frankly, it's my story to tell if and when I'm ready. I know that those of you who stalk me on Facebook have seen some crazy up and down posts for the last two weeks. Not to worry. My life is stabilizing. At least...that's what I'm aiming for.

Someday I'll write a book about everything that has encompassed the last 13 years of my life, but tonight is not that night and my blog isn't going to be the place I do that. All I want to say here is that I'm starting over. It would take months at least for me to write my whole life story and even longer for you to read it. But I'm 33 years old and recognize that I need to start over. As a wife. As a mom. As a woman of God (I'm not sure I ever really figured out how to begin that journey yet).

My husband and I watched Fireproof tonight. It isn't the first time that we have seen the movie but a song on there really struck me. I have heard it before but it never really hit me so hard in the gut before. So I just wanted to share that tonight. It's called Slow Fade by Casting Crowns. The video is moving, to be sure, but the lyrics just really cut to my heart and speak volumes. This song puts it into words better than I ever could begin to.



Slow Fade - Casting Crowns


Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Let the pieces fall where they may

A choice has been made. There is no going back now. I woke up this morning with a clarity I haven't felt in a long time. I don't know how many people are out there praying for me, but I think God has been listening. I know what I want and where I want to be. I don't know what awaits me on the other side, but I have a glimmer of hope that it will be filled with blessings and love. And so I am at the proverbial fork in the road, and I've made my choice. I'll admit. I'm terrified. Big life changes are always scary. The funny thing is, that this "big life change" will be seen by practically no one. But that isn't what matters. What matters is that I am choosing to embrace that change. No matter how emotional or scary it is. And in the end, it will mean a much stable life with my husband and kids. I didn't think I could do it two days ago. Now I know that I can. With support of close family and friends that know the specifics, I think I can do it and come through it resilient. At least, I hope that I can.

Meet Jamie

Hi! For those of you who don't remember me, my name is Jamie and, as you can clearly see, I have neglected my blog. For almost an entire month. I am ashamed.

It's funny how people that know me can gauge where I'm at mentally or emotionally simply by the lag in my blog or the infrequent Facebook status updates. When I'm feeling pretty good (and not swamped with, well, life), I tend to be on Facebook a lot and write more. So, I guess you could say that this isn't one of those times in my life.

This is a very interesting time in my life. Pivotal really. More pivotal than the last pivotal time of pivoting. :) I'm 33 years old and I don't know who I am. I know several things about myself. I have a husband that loves me for reasons I am not sure I will ever fully understand. I have four amazing children, one of which who prayed the other night that God would show me that I'm a good mommy. And that's just the prayer I know about. I know the others are praying for me too. I have two parents who I know pray for me and my family daily, and I really appreciate this about them. I have a job teaching Spanish now at the kids' school, I have my Little Bishop Creations business that I am trying to put into motion to make up some of our lost income and I have my night job, which I have been neglecting lately. But even though I know those things, I don't really know who I am. Or what I am doing with my life.

There has been a battle going on in my head and in my heart for a very long time. And it seems to all be coming to a head and I'm at a point in my life where I have to answer some serious life questions. Not out loud or to anyone else. But to myself. For myself. I've been avoiding this blog. Not always intentionally, but I think that on some level I knew that if I sat down and started writing, this is what it would look like. And I guess I just didn't want to. To admit that I have made a lot of mistakes. To admit that I am not the wife and mother I SHOULD be, let alone the one I want to be.

I started this over an hour ago and am just exhausted. I know it's only half of a post, but it is what it is.

Empty ketchup bottle

My kids have spent the last 10 minutes trying to squeeze ketchup out of the bottle. It's extremely annoying. I'm having a rough time tonight. I had a busy week trying to make headbands for my new business Little Bishop Creations. Then, I had my first Spanish Enrichment class, which went pretty well. 7 students, plus my own in there. But I am switching the day to Tuesdays, since I am already at school that day teaching middle schoolers. The teaching is going well. A friend asked me the other day how it was that I was tolerating teaching. But the thing is, I really love it. I don't know if it's the subject, the students, getting out of the house. I'm not sure what it is but I really love teaching Spanish. Even with my dislike of people and kids in general, I am really having a good time.

It's now the weekend and all I hear is "Can I play the computer?" That is probably one of my LEAST favorite questions! It makes me want to tell them "NO. You can never play on the computer again!" Yes, dramtic, I know. But I'm feeling very drama queen-ish tonight.

We have two basketball games tomorrow and then we are going to a movie night (Courageous) at the church we used to attend. I'm looking forward to seeing the movie. Or at least...I feel like I SHOULD be looking forward to it. Right now, I don't really care about anything.

Hoping a good night's sleep will help that. Sigh...I need to shake this off...

Empty bottle=no ruining the couch

Let's see if I can manage to stay awake during this post.  My carbonated beverage is empty, so no worries about spilling it all over the couch.

I'm now up to 3 Spanish classes.  Middle school on Tues/Thurs and then enrichment for K-2nd grade on Mondays, though there is a 4 year old in there that I should have put my foot down on (not literally down on the child) and said no.  The class is just too above her age level.  But I'll deal with it.  Katherine is going to be her helper and take her under her wing for me.

Tomorrow is a free day, for the most part.  In the last 2 days, I have made almost 30 headbands.  Please please go to my Little Bishop Creations page and check it out and "like" it!  Pretty please?  100 "likes" and I'll give away a free headband.  I've been really busy filling orders and having a lot of fun with these.  It's so fun for me and rewarding to see the girls at school wearing them!  I just need to expand my customer base.  Anyone willing to direct your family and friends to Little Bishop Creations?  I'd really REALLY appreciate it!

Spanish is going so great!  I am loving just about every minute of it!  I can't imagine anything else I'd rather be doing.  A few people have mentioned subbing to me, and I am giving that some thought as well.  I have an Associates Degree so I should have enough college hours for it.  Anything I can do to bring in extra income right now would be extremely helpful.

The biggest change perhaps is that next Monday, after 5+ years, Abbey will finally "graduate" from Speech Therapy!  This is kind of a big deal!  It's awesome for her because she has excelled and is doing so well.  It's also selfishly great for me, because it's no more 5:30-6pm therapy sessions on Monday and Wednesday!!  SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT!

My medicine has already kicked in for the night so I feel I should go before I start typing gibberish!  Tomorrow is Wednesday and aside from making headbands, I have nothing else planned.  Looking forward to it!

We're all grown up

Kris and I bought a new couch.  It's the first couch we have paid for with our own money (technically the insurance company paid for it).  I'm really liking it so far.  And Kris thought we should maybe forbid the children to sit on it.  You know, to protect it.  Little did he know, it wasn't the kids that the couch should be saved from.  Apparently it's me!  I know...shocking, right?

So, here it is.  BEFORE I inducted it into the mess that is our life.

So, I've had this cold/sinus infection for the last few days.  Night before last, I advised my dear husband that I was taking Nyquil, along with my normal meds.  I also gave myself a treat, a sweet Pineapple treat.  Kris was WELL aware of this.  I made it clear that he would need to watch me, implying that he should make sure I got to bed OK.

So, I set about to blogging about my newest business venture assuming that he would take care of me.  He asked me if I was coming to bed.  I told him I just wanted to finish the blog post.  He was playing a game on his phone.

HERE IS WHAT I REMEMBER.

I had my Pineapple goodness in my hand, in bottle form.  I remember dozing off and the bottle tipping onto the arm of the couch.  But I wasn't coherent enough to get up and put myself in bed, until the SECOND time I tipped the bottle, this time onto my arm, down my side and onto the seat of the couch.  At that point, I was able to pry my medicated eyes open and look at the clock.  11PM.  I assessed the situation, in some kind of a stupor, and managed to put my still 1/4 of the way full bottle of Pineapple water down safely.  I remember having taken only a few sips of it before I dozed off.  I remember feeling the couching and hoping it was just a dream.  I remember changing my clothes, since the entire sleeve of the jacket I was wearing was drenched.  I remember crawling into bed and having some sort of conversation with Kris, though it is muddled in my head. And then I was out.  When I woke up, I hoped it was all a dream.

In the morning, I asked Kris if he thought it had really happened and he told me he heard something spilling. Then he smelled the couch.  Sure enough... tell tell signs of pineapple essence.  It was NOT a dream.  Sadly.  The couch needs protection from me.  And I blame Kris for not coming to get me and take me to bed.  He said he heard me snoring and thought I just wanted to sleep out there.  I countered with my telling him I was coming to bed and turning my mattress pad on so I could get into a warm bed.  So you see, it's all his fault.

Anyway, I can't be trusted.  Nyquil mixed with my normal meds and what, three small drinks of my smirnoff and I am a mess.  And I make a mess.  And I can't be trusted.  I'm sure it would have been amusing.  What Kris should have done was got out of bed and video'd it, then sent it to America's Funniest Home videos.  Maybe we can get some money out of my crazy!

Say what?

This once a week or less of sitting down to write is lame.  Today I have pictures for you.  And I know it probably crosses a line somewhere between inappropriate and WAY inappropriate, but I just couldn't NOT show you.

I was at the grocery store the other day.  I don't usually buy ice cream, but for whatever reason, I do always gaze longingly and look at the different flavors of ice cream.  Unless it's Edy's Peppermint, I usually don't even eat ice cream.  And yet I still peruse the selection at the store.  OCD quirk maybe?  So I am walking down the aisle, scanning the shelves as usual and my eyes land on this.

Am I the only one who didn't immediately think of something else that you can also find at the grocery store, with the same name???  Probably...

Is it just me?  Seriously.  You can be honest...

New Year's Resolution

I am SO glad that I did NOT make a new year's resolution to blog more.  I would have totally failed.  Though some of you may be rejoicing!

A lot has happened.

I'm now a Spanish teacher.  It was quite sudden.  I've had two classes so far and have my third tomorrow.  I am VERY excited about this and it's been so fun to get back into the language again.  Makes me remember how much I loved it!  The kids seem to be taking well to me; at least, that is my perception.  I could be totally off base and they could think I'm a raving lunatic!  But I'll continue to live in the world I've built in my head.  It's quite lovely there.  When it isn't crazy or scary.  I teach middle school kids on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon.  Starting next week, I'll add enrichment classes on Monday (K-2nd) and Thursday (3rd-5th).  It feels SO good to be doing something productive again!  Outside of the house.  I think it'll be the boost I need to bring in some money in some other areas of my life.  The best thing is that I am teaching at my kids' school and they will be able to take the classes too.  They have been wanting me to teach them Spanish for YEARS and while I am nowhere NEAR fluent, I know enough to teach those who have little to no knowledge of the language.  I'm hoping that next semester I can add a third day in for enrichment, for those who took the intro class the first 6 weeks, should they want to continue and learn more.

Little Bishop Creations is still going strong!  I've completed my first two orders, and will complete the next two tomorrow.  You have two more days to take advantage of my buy 2, get 1 free sale, combined with the discounted price of $6/kid and $8/adult.  Starting January 21, they will still be discounted, but not buy 2 get 1 free.  On February 1, the prices will go up to their original starting price, which is $8/kid and $10/adult.  I do know that if you are interested in Valentine's Day headbands, those will be on sale between January 21 and February 10.  I cannot wait to find a salon or shop to put these in and hopefully get some more exposure!  Please go like my page on Facebook so that I can get to 100 and give away a free headband!

A new endeavor-Little Bishop Creations

Just in time for a new year, I have officially launched Little Bishop Creations.  It's on both Etsy and Facebook, and will be a way for me to hopefully bring in some extra income while I am currently unemployed.  The bills are piling, the debt is climbing and I feel like I need to do something to help.  Hopefully this can be something that can expand into something really great for our family, and anyone who supports it. Please go to Facebook and like Little Bishop Creations.  I'll post new items, new patterns, sales, etc...there.  I am still trying to learn my way around Etsy, so bear with me on that!  The headbands are my focus right now, but I am not limited to headbands.  I do tag blankets that work great for teething babies and general carrying around (they're smaller and easier to transport with the little one).  I also do make quilts, but I will tell you that these are time consuming, and due to my anal meticulous nature, I try to make them PERFECT, so those are not cheap but if it is something you are interested in, let me know.

NO SLIP Headbands will sell for $8 (kids) or $10 (adults) starting February 1.  For now, to start out the new year right, all headbands will be $6 or $8 (respectively) and if you buy 2, you will get 1 for FREE.  I'll run different specials each month.  Towards the end of the month, I'll have headbands that will be perfect for Valentine's Day, so check back in on Facebook for those!

If you live out of state, shipping will range between $1-2.  Orders of 10 headbands or more (think sports teams) will be discounted to $5/each.

Once I get to 100 likes on Facebook, I'll give away a headband to the 100th like! If you are interested in working with me to promote a giveaway on your blog, please contact me directly. A blog specifically for Little Bishop Creations will be up and running in a couple of days.

On another note, can you believe this is my last post for 2011?  Hopefully I'll start the year out right with a new post tomorrow.

Don't hold your breath!!

I'm gonna be ugly!

My brother has an aging booth app on his iPhone and I let him take a picture to see what I might look like on 20-30 years. Kris obliged too. Here are the results.

Back to The Cutting Edge

It was past time to have my hair done again.  I still love The Cutting Edge Salon and think that what they do is pure art. Here is what they did for me. No cut this time, just color.
I love it!!

Huh?

I posted this on Facebook last week. This picture disturbed me. Obviously it was intended for those who love to hunt? I think? I don't know. It just didn't logically make sense to me though. Why have a decal of a deer's head and then the body of a woman? What does it mean?

Who is Santa anyway?

Each year for the last several years, either my dad or one of my uncles would dress up as Santa for our extended family Christmas get together. This year, (after celebrating with my dad's side of the family which included at least 40+ people with kids) we went back to my parents' house with just my brothers, sister, and all the cousins (our 9 kids). Kris read from Luke 2, as is tradition in our family and kept the kids occupied, while my dad dressed up as Santa.

As soon as he came in, Abbey and Kaleb, amidst the adults saying "Look, Santa's here!" began shouting "Hi Pappaw!!"  Kris and I immediately silenced them, as Olivia and my niece Sophia still believe in Santa.  We explained to them that even though they knew it was Pappaw (my dad), they needed to go along with the magic of Santa for the little ones.  They understood and Santa handed out presents to all 9 grandkids.  As Santa was leaving, Sophia (three) wanted to tell Santa goodbye.  She ran up to him and he picked her up and hugged her, and held her for a few minutes.  Then my mom, wanting to get a picture, said "Turn this way Pappaw."  We all just kind of looked at each other and started laughing and I was like "Why did I just yell at my kids for outing Santa when my mom just gave the secret away?"  

Yesterday I had the privilege of having lunch with an old friend, one that is very special to me.  His name is Chad.  We've been through a lot over the last two+ decades and have had long intervals of not communicating, primarily due to just life in general.  But yesterday, it just so happened that we were in the same place at the same time, and it worked out that we were able to have lunch.  It was really great.  We got to talk and laugh and he got to meet the crazies my kids.  I was a little sad when the visit had to end and we had to drive back home but was very grateful we had the time and opportunity to meet up after all these years.

While we were having lunch, we were talking to Olivia about Santa.  I asked her if she believed in Santa Claus.  She said she did.  She also said that she knew that Pappaw was Santa.  I said "Who told you that?"  She pointed at Abbey or Kaleb.  And so I asked her if Pappaw was going to bring her presents this year on Christmas and she said yes.  I asked how he was going to get there and she said he would drive his car.  I said "Is he going to fly with his reindeer?"  She looked at me (like "seriously mom?") and said "NO! There's no such thing as reindeer."  We continued questioning her, because the conversation was slowly unfolding into something that we all found very amusing.  We asked her "Well, what about your friends? Who is going to bring them presents?"  She replied "Pappaw."  Wait..."Olivia, Pappaw is THE Santa Claus?"  She nodded her head.  I asked her if she was going to tell her friends that my dad was Santa Claus and she said "No.  It's a family secret!"

So...in case you didn't know, my dad is Santa Claus.  Livvy said so.

Christmas in Indiana

We spent the weekend in Indiana, celebrating Christmas with my family. We had a good time. It was a short trip but was a lot of fun. The kids got to see their cousins, which is always great!
While waiting for my parents to get home from church, we let the kids play outside. Livvy, as some of you know, is highly allergic to cats. And my mom has a cat that was coming near her, so she took off running. Next thing I know, I see her defensively coming back towards the cat like this! It was hilarious! *knife is plastic PETA*

No slip headbands

I stumbled across these at a vendor event over the weekend and determined to learn how to make them. Kat wanted them for her whole basketball team. I've made a total of 13 since yesterday.

If I were selling these...

My next goal is to figure exact measurements for babies and toddlers. I have measurements for young girls and adults.

Of the many features...they don't move (velvet ribbon is used to keep them in place)! No headaches or pain behind/on/around the ears. And as Abbey says "They don't hurt when I have my glasses on!" It's true. I tested it. That's one thing I always hated about headbands when I had my glasses on.

What's not to love? So quick and easy to make, and a lot cheaper! I'll never buy another headband again.

The 5 Senses

We have five main sense.  In case you didn't know.  It's been so long since I learned about them, I had to clarify what they were Tuesday night at community group.  They are, in case you can't remember: Taste, Smell, Touch, Sight, Hearing.  We always have an ice breaker question each week and this week the question was "If you had to lose one of your senses, which would it be?"

Initially it seemed like an easy question to answer.  But as we delved in, suddenly, it turned into a 20 minute conversation about why each sense was necessary and what you would miss out on if you were deprived of one.

Here is how it broke down for me (and about half of the rest of the group):

Sight - NO WAY.  I think that it would be incredibly difficult to be blind.  So many things you couldn't do.  Like drive.  Or watch Psych.  Or Big Bang Theory.  Or New Girl.  Or Raising Hope.  As well as other important things, like seeing the looks on people's faces, the glimpse of a newborn baby, a baptism, a sunset or sunrise, etc...

Hearing - Music is way too much a part of my life for me to give up my hearing without a fight.  While there are some days I wish I couldn't hear my kids fight, there are other things that I NEED to hear.  Like Christmas music.  Or my favorite songs in general.  Or the laughter of a child.  It would exclude me from having to talk on the phone, which would be excellent, but there are too many other down sides.

Touch - At first, I thought this would be my choice.  I started thinking about all the times I am annoyed by my kids rubbing against my arm or tugging on my hand or just in general touching me and annoying me.  Or other people sitting next to me, too close.  Or hugging.  In that regard, it would be awesome to lose my sense of touch.  HOWEVER...I would miss the touch of a baby's skin.  I'd miss the feeling of my children's little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, or their kisses on my cheek.  I'd become a danger to myself and likely cut my fingers off while I was cooking, or bump into everything and fall down steps or have trouble driving because I can't feel my foot to push down on the accelerator, or worse, the brakes!  And while we'll keep this family friendly still, I'll say too that I would miss the "other" kind of touching.  The kind I DO like.  The kind that makes babies.  Adults, are you with me here?  I don't think that I could give that up.  Maybe in another 20 years...maybe.  But not right now.

Now it comes down to taste or smell.  These were the hardest to decide between.  On the one hand, if you can't smell the food but can still taste it, you can still enjoy all the foods you love.  On the other hand, I can't imagine never smelling bacon again.  In some ways, I think that might be worse than not TASTING bacon again.  Additionally, if you lose your sense of taste, but can still smell, wouldn't it stand to reason that your cravings for foods would lessen?  Your tongue wouldn't salivate like it does when you think of your favorite foods.  Ultimately, it would be the perfect weight loss program.  You can keep your sense of smell, enjoy the scents, but not be tempted to eat those things that are so bad for you, because you can't taste them anyway.

So ultimately, once we talked it all through, for me, I'd have to choose my sense of taste.  #1.  I need to lose weight.  #2.  I'd rather smell the foods that I love so much than eat them, because without being able to taste them, I wouldn't be as drawn to them as I am.  Things like bacon, chocolate chip cookies, anything sweet, biscuits and gravy, steak, pork chops, etc...

And not related to food, I would totally miss smelling my Autumn Walk and Holiday Wreath candles.  I might die if I couldn't smell them again!  I'm the kind of person that will open up a candle, or garlic-infused canola oil or spices/seasonings, just to smell them.  It does eventually all come back to food for me, doesn't it?

So what about you?  What sense would you choose to give up if you were forced to?

16 lbs is not less than 10 lbs

You know, it's really hard to think about how much something weighs.  Specifically when you have a restriction put on you, regarding how much you can lift.  For the next 3 weeks, I can't lift anything over 10 lbs.  I found out why yesterday.  I went to the grocery store for the first time since the big "H" surgery.  I had no problem when I was getting groceries.  It was when I went out to the van to load them that it didn't occur to me that lifting two gallons of milk (one in each hand) was a BAD idea.  If one gallon of milk weighs 8 lbs, that means that I actually lifted 16 lbs.  And let me just tell you, I felt it immediately.  You know how people who have lost a limb have phantom pain?  I'm pretty sure I experienced pain in my missing uterus.  No joke.  Lesson learned.  But it's really hard to determine how much something weighs...now I'm measuring everything based off of how a full gallon of milk feels.  I'll be glad when that part is over.  Also, laughing causes these phantom pains as well.  Beyond that, I'm feeling pretty good.

How many of you get out of making Thanksgiving dinner this year?  I've been making Thanksgiving dinner every year for quite a while now.  My mother-in-law, her husband, and my brother-in-law will be joining us, as they do every year.  Sadly my sister, who usually joins us, is unable to make it in, so I'll be left all alone on Black Friday and will most likely spend my time AWAY from the crowds, shopping online.  Or sleeping.  Or both. We usually go to the casino together too, so maybe I'll have to take my $ and what she would have taken and go alone there too.  ;-)

I'm staying pretty low key with the food this year.  Originally (as of two days ago) I was going to make three new recipes, in addition to the usual.  As I was at the grocery store, I immediately chucked all three recipes from my list and picked up boxed mashed potatoes (the horror!) and went back to desserts I was familiar with (pecan pie, Paula Dean's Pumpkin Gooey Butter Cake, and Kraft's Double Layer Pumpkin Pie).  So, beyond that...green bean casserole, my favorite homemade mac 'n cheese EVER (recipe below), turkey (duh!), boxed stuffing, boxed mashed potatoes, and of course, corn for Abbey.  See below-I can't NOT make it.

That girls loves corn!

Oh and homemade bread from my bread machine.

So, if you want to wow the family this year, if you're doing the cooking, do everyone a favor and make this version of mac 'n cheese:

1 cup macaroni (cooked and drained)
1 cup sour cream
1 cup cottage cheese
1 cup Velveeta (cut into pieces)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 eggs

If you are not doubling this recipe, use a square baker.  If you are doubling, like I ALWAYS do, use a 13x9 pan.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Butter your pan (or spray with cooking spray).  In the pan, "whisk" the eggs together. Basically, just mix up the yolk and the whites just enough so it's all...well, mixed up.  Add the sour cream, cottage cheese, cheeses and cooked macaroni and mix until combined.  Bake at 350 for 30 minutes, or until cheese is slightly browned and bubbly.

Best. Ever.

They took my uterus!

So many things have happened in the last couple of weeks.  Let's see, after the needle through the finger debacle, I had out patient surgery to remove a sebaceous cyst from my chest.  It was basically a large mass of oil build up that had become infected.  Nothing cancerous or anything.  I will say that it HURT after for almost a week and it was in a most inconvenient place.  My friends on Facebook didn't really like that I chose to post a picture of it, so I won't torture you with it now.  Fortunately for them, I spared them the picture of my uterus, which was my next surgery.

Last Tuesday, I had a hysterectomy.  Just the uterus and cervix were removed...so I still have my ovaries (which I swear hurt)...so NO, I am not on hormone replacement therapy.  I'll still go through the horrors that are PMS each month, until my body naturally decides to go through menopause, at which point I am praying they have some faux estrogen filled medication I can take that doesn't cause blood clots,  Because otherwise, I may have to seclude myself during the entire menopausal phase of my life.  For the protection of everyone around me.

So, I'm taking it easy.  Can't lift anything over 10 lbs for four weeks.  Kris isn't too happy I moved my empty bread machine the other day.  He seems to think that it weighs more than 10 lbs, but it didn't FEEL too heavy to me when I moved it.  My ob/gyn told me that a gallon of milk weighs 8 lbs.  Can you believe that?  One of his patients told him that, and he didn't believe them, so he went home and weighed a gallon of milk.  Sure enough, 8 lbs.  I made 4 qts of koolaid today and moved that to the fridge.  When I told Kris it seemed heavier than a gallon of milk, he frowned at me and seems to think that it weighed OVER ten lbs. I'm having him weigh it now...

And the answer is...

10.4 lbs.

Well...it seems that it wasn't TOO much over.  Though Kris still contends that .4 lbs is still TOO much over 10 lbs.  Whatever...

Just a few more weeks and my stitches should be all healed up and I can start lifting whatever I want without thought.  I will say, I catch myself starting to pick something up and then think "Wait...there's no way that's less than 10 lbs."  Laundry baskets, for instance.  Thank goodness I don't do laundry anyway!  It's great to have kids old and strong enough to switch loads!  And fold and hang their own clothes. That is pretty awesome!  One of the benefits of them growing up.

I can drive whenever I want, which is nice...so long as I am not on any narcotics.  Fortunately, the pain isn't bad enough for me to need the prescribed narcotics so those are being saved for special occasions.  Like Thanksgiving day after I've done all the cooking and my back is killing me.

Don't touch my cup!

We went to a Thanksgiving dinner at our old church tonight, and at the end, I was fully engaged in conversation with my friend Tara.  I mean...we're talking, completely absorbed.  She's actually quite delightful and we were discussing the wonderful joys of being perfect mothers, with perfect children, which we both have and are.  It was very intense.

So as we are talking, out of the blue, Tara inexplicably reaches for my 52 oz refill cup from QuikTrip.  And you could say that I "kind of" FREAKED OUT.

You know that expression "A picture is worth a thousand words?"  I can guarantee that if Tara could have taken my picture in that moment when I THOUGHT she was stealing my cup as she gathered up TRASH to throw away, it would have been quite the sight.  She could likely make good money off of that picture!  From my point of view, she was trying to pick up last remnants of trash from the table to throw it away.  Never mind that the other object she picked up was a game one of my kids had left at the table.

All I knew is that she was trying to take my cup.  No one takes my refill cup.  That's mine.  For refills.

The reality is that someone was trying to remove the tablecloth and Tara was merely trying to PICK UP my items and then was planning to put them back down once the tablecloth was removed (or so she would have me believe).

She described the look on my face as a "look of horror" as she reached for my QT cup.  Honestly...I WAS freaking out a bit.  Why on earth was she taking my QT cup to the trash???  It only took moments for all of this to occur and once we both realized what had transpired...it became extremely hilarious.  I'll admit...my response was a *little* extreme.  I take my tea very seriously.  Or rather, my refill cups.  Nobody touches my refill cups.  Apparently.  I had no idea I was as attached to that empty cup as I was.  I think I might have a problem...

Tara, feel free to explain the scenario from your point of view!

Jobless and still not writing

I really thought that once I wasn't working, I'd blog every day.  I mean...I am SO interesting.  Who wouldn't want to read this EVERY day??

Almost 3 months later, and I seem to be blogging LESS.  The only thing I have consistently done is cook dinner.  Sure, we've had a couple cereal or Eggo waffle nights, but I've done some serious cooking and baking over the last 2 1/2 months...and because I'm also not eating out all the time, I've been losing weight too, a little at a time.

So much is going on...little things and big things.  Doctor appointments about. Now, I have to find an orthopedic surgeon to take Abbey to because, for the second time in her life, she has a broken collarbone.  Same side, same place.

Poor girl!  I wish I could find the picture of her in her Snoopy sling from when she was just a toddler with  a broken collarbone.  It was pathetic and cute at the same time.  

Halloween has come and gone.  Kaleb has found his new passion - film making.  A friend of ours has been helping him, and after our participation in the National Film Challenge a couple of weeks ago, Kaleb has really taken an interest.  I still don't know if I can give out the link for you to see the film we were a part of, but as soon as I have permission, I'll put a link on here for "Dinner Time".  I'm in it, along with Katherine and Kaleb.  Now Kaleb is almost done "filming" scenes to begin editing for his own first movie, called "Halloween Wishes", which I also had to be in.  At least the roles I get cast for are true to who I am...a mean, sarcastic mother.

Kris and I will be attending the "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference in STL this weekend.  I'm sure it will be good for us.  Things like this make me nervous though.  Conference, retreat...those words evoke panic in me...because I envision large crowds of people I don't know, sitting way too close to me.