Stupid snow

I have come to accept that I don't cope well with change.  I don't know why this surprises me every time I realize it, but it does.  And I cannot seem to realize it until I'm in a really bad place in my life, or newly medicated.  I'm actually taking a physical break from work to write this, to distract myself while my sweet little pill kicks in.

Right now in St. Louis, everyone is freaking out about the weather.  Rightly so.  Because when the weather is bad, idiots seem to come out in droves.  The reason people are so nervous about driving in it and such is because it isn't often that we have to drive through feet of snow or layers of ice.  Sure, we get snow storms from time to time.  An inch here.  Some ice there.  We have accidents.  Just like everyone else.  But it seems that as soon as there is the POSSIBILITY of potentially "inclement" weather, people head out like wild animals looking for a kill.  Yesterday, when it wasn't snowing or raining or ANYTHING, everyone in St. Louis and the surrounding cities snatched up all the milk and bread and I'm assuming chocolate, because that would be on my priority list.  Some people are already hunkering down.  It's almost as if people feel that they need to build a bomb shelter in order to survive a snow storm.

I've never lived in Minnesota.  I've never lived in Colorado.  I've never lived in New York.  I've lived in Florida, Texas, Indiana, and Missouri.  I remember snow in Indiana, but I was too young to have to get out in it.  I've lived in Missouri for the last 12 years, and yes, it does snow from time to time.  And yes, sometimes they cancel school.  This year though, it seems like they've gone from waiting until the last possible moment to cancel to just saying "Screw it.  Let's just take the week off until this blows over."  No, my kids' school has not done that...it just seems like it sometimes.

I was feeling fine today.  Actually pretty darn good.  My neck pain is still around a 2 (down from a 5-6) and has been that way since last Wednesday when I started Xanax and Wellbutrin.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I'm not feeling as stressed and so my body isn't having to fight against me so much.  In fact, I haven't even needed Xanax during the day at all...it's usually just one in the evening once we get the kids from school and go through the routine of a life lived in chaos and then the regular bedtime regimine.  Things have been going great and I have been feeling better than I had been in a LONG time.

And then I got an email from Kat's basketball coach saying practice was cancelled tonight.  Fair enough.  I'm relieved on that one because I hate picking my kids up at 5 and having to get back out to pick her up at 7.  Then I got a call from Abbey's speech therapist.  Also cancelled.  Great...I hate the 5:30-6:00pm window that eats up my Monday and Wednesday nights.  Up to that point, I was doing just fine.  I was actually relieved on both accounts.  Thinking "Sweet!  We'll just pick the kids up at school, go home, and chill for the evening."

BUT THEN...I got an email from the kids' school.  Saying that due to the inclement weather school was dismissing at 1pm and could we please pick our kids up no later than one, if not before.  And so I started freaking out, in typical Jamie fashion.  Heart racing, can't breathe, stomach in knots, wanting to crash through a window into a fiery pit.  Full blown panic attack.  Because we have one van right now.  And we drove it to work.  Kris and I work together.  Kris wants to put a full day in.  I have to now go get the kids by one, go home for an hour or two (on supposedly icy roads), then get back out to pick Kris up at 5pm.  At this point I'm thinking it's time to administer the Xanax intravenously.  I was NOT coping well.

So I went to Kris' office to tell him that the kids have to be picked up at one and find out what we were going to do.  I told him I could leave and go get them, then we could come back later and get him.  And he very calmly (in typical Kris fashion) says "My mom will just take them to her house."  OH.  YEAH.  THAT'S RIGHT.  SHE'S A TEACHER.  AT THEIR SCHOOL.  AND WAS PLANNING TO TAKE THEM TO HER HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL ANYWAY.  And Kris just sits there all calm-like...looking at me as if everything would be OK.  Dilemma solved; crisis averted.  Yet I was still in full blown panic attack mode.  So I took my sweet little pill and am STILL waiting for it to do it's magic.  I am feeling a little bit better.

Kris came into our office just a little while ago and looked at me.  He was probably thinking something mundane and simple like "I love her" or "I think there's a hole in my sock".  But  I knew better.  I knew he was thinking "I'm so glad my wife is medicated again!"  Then we were discussing this in my office and pretty much determined that Kris has two looks, and two looks alone.  The one mentioned above and the other one, which coincidentally looks exactly like the first but says "Man I really wish my wife was medicated!"

That "dweam" wiffin a "dweam"

First things first...I have participated in Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop several times.  It's for me.  Sometimes it is just nice to have guided writing.  I get the prompts the Monday before we post, and I never write the post until the day of.  Because that's how I write.  I just wing it...sometimes.  That is the same thing that happened this past week, when I wrote my Ode to Red Hots.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was when I got a comment from the one and only Mama Kat!!!  Totally made my day!  Check it out-this is what she said, which pretty much made my day, as she is hands down my favorite blogger!!!

Mama Kat said...

Haha...love that you powered through and finished your poem. :) Even if you were drugged at the time. It totally made me smile!

January 30, 2011 6:26 PM

SO FREAKING COOL!  You know, Mama Kat randomly posts about Ellen and wanting to meet her and be on her show.  I feel towards Mama Kat like she feels towards Ellen.  I really admire Mama Kat as a blogger and would love to meet her in real life, as well as have an awesome blog like she does!  Beyond loving her blog, the things she says about her life, her family...I totally relate to.  I love sarcasm and she is the queen of sarcasm.  So while I would love for Mama Kat to be my friend for now it's enough...no, it's MORE than enough that she commented on my blog!!!

Now I want to talk about dreams.

Have you ever had a dream that takes place within a dream? (Princess Bride anyone?)

I don't remember my dreams very often.  I don't know if you recall the last one I had that absolutely terrified me.  I can't even find it in my blog history, which now makes me question whether or not I actually wrote about it.  It was HORRIBLE!  I very seldom remember anything that I dream, likely because I never reach any kind of deep sleep.  One night a few months ago, I had two fuzzy navels.  And I woke up in the morning literally shaking because in my dream I watched Livvy fall out of a 2 story window and fall to the ground.  I rushed down the steps and saw her contorted little body.  Her eyes were open, looking at me...and then she died.  It was the worst dream I'd ever had and I vowed NEVER to have fuzzy navels before bed again.

So, no fuzzy navels last night.  Just the normal over-the-counter meds to help me sleep, plus the Xanax.  So I was surprised to find myself having such an awful dream again.  And I'm still really confused by the entire thing.  I don't think I'll really be able to make it out.

Additionally, have you ever been asleep and then woken up to find that you cannot move?  I mean literally paralyzed?  You can't move your head, arms, legs, etc...  You can't open your eyes.  You cannot move.  The only thing that is active is your mind?  This used to happen to me A LOT.  Lately it hasn't been happening and I am thankful.  It is terrifying when that happens.

Back to the dream.  The paragraph above was important because it happened again last night along with my dream.  It's never happened during a dream before.  Usually I will just wake up (mentally) to find that I CANNOT move or open my eyes or mouth.  Not so much last night.  There were several things that happened, the scariest of which I blocked out as soon as I woke up-I just know they happened.  But the part I can remember was that Kris and I were lying in bed sleeping.  I woke up to find about 3-4 kids standing over him.  They couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 years old.  And they were all holding ice picks or screwdrivers, like they were going to stab him.  He didn't get stabbed, and then the dream changed.  I began to see shapes on the walls.  But they didn't just stay on the walls.  They started moving towards me.  This happened several times and all I could do was scream.  In my dream.  I kept screaming Kris' name, to get him to wake up.  I needed him to wake up and convince me that it was just a nightmare.  So I laid there screaming, once more experiencing that paralysis I mentioned earlier.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't open my eyes.  And Kris couldn't hear me.  Which made me somehow realize that I was in a dream.

Then I became fully awake mentally and realized I was in my own room, in my bed, and had been DREAMING ABOUT DREAMING!  And to make it worse, I was still paralyzed.  I laid there trying to move.  Trying to open my eyes.  Trying to call out Kris' name.  Finally my mouth moved, my eyes open and I kept saying Kris' name over and over.  He finally sat up asking what was wrong.  I told him I had just had a really bad dream and asked him if he could hold me.  Which he did.  I looked at the clock and it was 6am.  I went back to sleep restlessly for another couple of hours, drifting in and out of sleep accompanied by that weird paralysis.

Has anything like that ever happened to you?

WHAT A DIFFERENCE!

Wow.  Today was a GOOD day.  Like. Really. Good.  My pain level is as low as it has been...about a 2 on the pain scale, which is low enough that I don't even really think about it every single moment of the day.  Additionally, I feel lighter...more relaxed.  Like my stress has just magically disappeared.  I haven't felt this good in a VERY long time.


You know, you just don't realize how miserable you are until you somehow alleviate the "pain".  Whether it be physical, or in my case mental.  I didn't notice a huge difference yesterday, except that the morning routine of the kids taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R. to get ready (while it annoyed me still) did not make me yell.  I mean, I just sat there on the couch, observing what was going on.  And I answered my childrens' questions.  CALMLY.  Without irritation at them asking 501 questions.  Is that the real me?  Am I really the mom who is nice to her kids?  Because that is so NOT the mom I've come to know myself as.


My doctor advised that I could take the Xanax as needed during the day, no more than 1-2.  And that I should take 2 at night, along with my melatonin and unisom.  She seems to think that this will help me fall asleep easier.  So I did as I was told.  Because the appointment was in the afternoon on Wednesday, I didn't take any Xanax until bedtime that night.  My bedtime, not theirs.  I managed to make it through their bedtime just fine thankyouverymuch.  So when I woke up on Thursday morning (which was difficult I think due to the addition of Wellbutrin), I was really tired, but not feeling all the anxiety and anger I usually feel at having the CHORE of getting out of bed, getting kids ready for school, rushing out the door and going to work.


Abbey noticed right away, and being Abbey, she chose to say EXACTLY what was on her mind.  I was just sitting on the couch, waiting patiently (NOW I KNOW THE MEDS ARE WORKING!!) when Abbey walked over to me and said "Did you already take your medicine?"  


I smiled at her and said "Yes.  I took some last night.  Why?"


Abbey replied with "Well because you're not your normal self." 


I said "Is that a good thing honey?"


And she said "Yes."  She started to walk away, but then she stopped, had a look of contemplation in her eyes and then said "You have never called me honey before."  At that point I just started laughing and told her that I call her honey all the time!


While it is an extremely cute story...it does make me sad that the "normal" me is not calm and relaxed.  The normal me is uptight and sad and angry and impatient.  So, I think it will take us all some getting used.  Kris I'm sure can tell a difference.  He wouldn't admit it...unless he was able to in a very polite, encouraging way, because he's just a nice guy.  But this morning on the way to work, I said "Guess who didn't yell at the kids today?  That's two mornings in a row!"  Instead of answering, he held up his hand and gave me a high five.   He's so cute.


All day at work I was just in a GOOD mood.  How sad is it that I have been wondering all day what is wrong with me?  My Facebook status earlier today read. 

 "I'm sitting at work feeling happy. And so I'm confused. And I think...why am I happy? And then I think was I really THAT miserable before? I think I was. WOW. What a HUGE difference! I feel GOOD. Neck still hurts, but surprisingly that too is not as bad...here's to hoping this is more the "normal" me."


I still can't get over how amazingly stable and relaxed I have felt today!  And I haven't even taken any Xanax today!  And I won't until bedtime.  I really don't take it unless I feel like I NEED it.  But it is just amazing to me that the Xanax mixed with the Wellbutrin can cause such a drastic change for me.  I don't know if the Wellbutrin benefits are showing up yet or not...I would tend to think that it isn't just the Xanax I've taken at night that is elevating my mood but who knows...


Anyway...I just thought I would share that with you.  Who knows...maybe someday I'll even begin to "like" the "new" me, instead of hating the "normal" me.

Ode to Red Hots **UPDATED**

I'm not a poet.  The prospects of writing poetry intimidates me.  It seems like there must be a right way to write it.  And I don't just naturally  have it.  I can remember taking a literature class in college.  And the section on poetry was incredibly painful for me.  My honest opinion is that all poetry comes back to death.  Death is at the root of any poem.  Every poem we studied and had to analyze came down to death of some sort.  For me, poetry is just a different form writing.  Instead of long sentences sharing your opinions about any given topic, it is short bursts of thought, meant to be read in short sentences, more from top to bottom, than long sentences from left to right.  Granted, I am not an English or literature major.  I'm not an aspiring poet.  But today, for Mama Kat's Writer Workshop, I decided to embrace my fear of poetry and write about something I love.  While I love all foods (except vegetables, weird foods, sushi, etc...), I am going to limit this poem to just ONE food.  So, without further ado, here is my "Ode to Red Hots" - this can be read as a poem, or sung to the tune of "Ode to Joy/Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee."

Red Hots, Red Hots

I adore thee

Fires of candy 

On my tongue

Heart swells as I think about you

I hail you as my favorite one

Melt the spice, bring on the sweetness

Crunchy, goodness on my tongue

Giver of immediate pleasure

Damaging my poor taste buds

Candy goodness you have saved me

Through the stressful days at work

I can't see my life without you

You bring me comfort from boredom

Stress at work is put behind me

When I pour you from your box

Red Hots makes me very happy

Through the trials of my life.

**UPDATE**

I began writing this while awake.  By the time I went to publish it, I was pretty much loopy and out of it due to a combination of Wellbutrin, Xanax, Unisom, and Melatonin.  I actually fell asleep before I could list this on Mama Kat's list for Thursday.  Something I totally meant to add but didn't remember until now is that looking back, even THIS poem is about death.  Death of my taste buds.  Death of my joy when the box runs out.  See?  All poetry points back to death!!

I feel like a new woman!

I don't really feel like a new woman...I just wanted to say that! BUT...all my fretting and worrying (which I did PLENTY of today!) was for nothing. I got my meds and hopefully will be feeling better overall in a couple of weeks. And...the rheumatologist called and instead of seeing me March 3 can now get me in on February 18th. Did I tell you I made an appointment with a rheumatologist? I did. My next step WAS going to be back to pain management because I'm just tired of ALWAYS being in pain. But someone suggested I try a rheumatologist. So, that is my next step, and THEN I will go to pain management if they can't find some mysterious illness that is causing my neck/back pain.

I have an addiction. I mean, besides food. For some people it's drugs. Some people it's sex. Some people it's alcohol. For some people it's shopping. For me? It's sugar-free peach white tea from QuikTrip. I can't help myself. I HAVE TO HAVE IT. Sometimes 2-3 times a day. I think it is really stressing Kris out. He is entering receipts and he was kinda laughing, but not in a good "this is so funny" way. More in a "You have a problem Jamie and you need to stop" kind of way. I warned him before he took my receipts that there were a LOT of QT receipts. But, it's just SO good. I keep telling people (OK, only him and my MIL) to get me QT gift cards for my birthday. It will help my perfectly safe and acceptable addiction, AND keep Kris' stress level down. Win-win, right?

While I'm being random...I bought new bras tonight. Oh and just a warning...as you continue reading, some of you very well may think that this is way TOO much information.  I was stressing about having to go and drop $50 at Victoria's Secret...because once again I need new bras. The only bras at VS that they even make in my size are pretty plain, but they are comfortable and serve the purpose. BUT...they are 2 for $50. Or at least they were a year ago when I bought them. Well, I had some time to kill after my doctor's appointment. I tried to go to Old Navy, only to remember (after I got there of course) that it isn't there anymore. So I drove around and found The Avenue. And I was drawn in by signs proclaiming 75% off and CLEARANCE. They were calling to me. Here's the thing. I do not shop often. For myself.

But, maybe once every six months I wander into a store and wander back out having spent money on something for myself. My husband should be THANKFUL my addiction is to the 52 oz. peach tea at QT that only costs me $1. Anyway...I found a cute shirt I had to have that was just under $7. Reasonable right? Well, then I kept wandering around and thought I'd try on a pair of jeans. I was just telling Kris that I really need more than ONE pair of jeans that fit me. So one thing led to another...

And then I wandered over to the bra section. Knowing I needed new bras and wondering if maybe their bras would be comfortable. So, I come across "the best t-shirt bra" (their label, not mine) whatever that meant. They were selling them 2 for $30. I couldn't believe how well they fit and how comfortable they were. So I was thinking..."as long as I don't spend more than $50 all together, I could get two bras, a pair of jeans AND a cute shirt, and the value would be better than buying just 2 bras at VS."

So I got up there to find that my jeans were $15, my shirt was $6 and the $2 for $30 bras?  They were 2 for $10!!! AND...because I hadn't shopped there before and didn't have the store card, I could save 30% too. So, of course I got the card and went back and got another pair of jeans. SO...I came home with TWO bras that fit, TWO pairs of jeans that fit, and a new top. All for $46. How cool is that??

But the whole reason I am even telling you this is because there is a downside to the "best t-shirt bra". It makes my look...um...HUGE. I mean, they aren't small to begin with. But the new bra does something to the "ladies" that I am not sure I am comfortable with. I think I'm going to need some time to get used to this. And I hope that it isn't this huge drastic difference that it seems to be. I am hoping that it's only really noticeable for me and people aren't going to be like "What is wrong with that girl's boobs?" or "Why is she so 'pointy'?" I REALLY hope I'm just being overly paranoid about it!!   Kris seemed to see an immediate difference...he basically said "they were big before; now they just look huge!"  If it weren't so borderline creepy and inappropriate I would take a picture (FULLY CLOTHED OF COURSE YOUR PERVERTS!) of the difference these new bras make-to me I just feel like they're saying "Hello world!  Do you see us?". Here's to hoping I don't go out looking like a prostitute or attention-seeker. Or worse, look like this:

Granted, I wouldn't mind being thin for sure...but it's the "ladies" I was referring to.  And it's not THAT pointy...so I am taking comfort in that.

Crazies

There are some C.R.A.Z.Y. chicks on The Bachelor!! Ashley H. and Michelle? Can we say psycho?

Speaking of psycho, I am FINALLY going to see MY doctor tomorrow. The long awaited appointment has finally come. And HOPEFULLY I will leave with some much needed medication. I'm very anxious about it. Can someone give me a Xanax so I can make it through to my appointment to get some Xanax? I am always nervous at ANY doctor. I don't know why. The dentist is worse...don't even get me started on that!!

You know how sometimes I say really crazy things to my husband? Things that, when taken out of context, sound REALLY BAD??  Things like "I'm not like you.  I'm not stupid."  Or "You're horrible at putting things places."

Thought I'd share another such scenario that took place recently. We were sitting on the couch together.  And I have these habits now...these things that might be considered slightly obsessive-compulsive, that I didn't have years ago. Like, facing Kris at night. I cannot sleep if we are facing one another. The thought of him breathing on me, in my face, consumes me and keeps me awake. It freaks me out a little.  So HE one of us has to roll over.

 Or when I am laying with my back facing him, if he is near me and I can feel him breathing on my back or neck, I cannot stand it. It makes my skin crawl.

 So, when we were sitting on the couch with our seats reclined, he started putting his feet ON MY SIDE, in my space!   And he was eating and making all kinds of noise.  It was irritating (the noise) and he was in my space and it made me anxious.  Thus me saying the first thing that came to my mind, which was "Don't sit at me with all your noise!"

Yes I know...I have issues!

Help me please!

I entered a photo contest, in an attempt to win tickets for the family to see The Harlem Globetrotters.  I don't have a great giveaway for you to enter, where you can get extra entries for voting for my photo.  So, I'll have to just hope that enough of you read this and choose to vote for me and the kiddos on Facebook.  Do it for the kids.  Think about how much fuller their lives will be with a chance to see The Harlem Globetrotters.

In order to "like" their picture, you do have to like Macaroni Kid-Bridgeton on Facebook.  

Once you have done that, you can click HERE to "like" my picture.  

Things to keep in mind for WHY you should like this photo:

It's mine.

You're super cool, loyal readers.  

Look at Kat (on the right).  You can't even see her. It almost looks as if her body has disappeared.  

Like it for the creepy factor would you please?  Thanks!!

Cheesecake!

A few weeks ago Kris and I went to Target.  We were returning a Wii game I got him, because his mom bought it for him on the PS3.  We were walking around and Kris told me I could use the money to get something for me.  I thought about what I wanted and told Kris I wanted to look at the food processors.  He decided that it would be a great time to say the following to me:

"It will just be one more appliance you don't use."

I will spare you the very long, detailed "conversation" that ensued.  Suffice it to say I was a little upset.  OK...I was livid.  And defensive.  And I demanded that he tell me what appliance I had that I did not use.  He seemed to fumble with his words so I decided to help him.

Me:  What about the toaster oven?

Kris:  You use that.

Me:  What about my Kitchen Aid mixer?  I never use that, do I?

Kris:  You use that all the time.

Me:  The only reason I don't use my bread machine all the time is because I don't have room to keep it on the counter.  So, why do you think I wouldn't use a food processor?  Is it because of the Magic Bullet?

Kris:  I was kinda thinking about that.

Me:  I USED the Magic Bullet.  A lot when I first got it.  I TRIED using it for nuts and graham cracker crumbs and it just isn't good enough.  It's great for shakes and smoothies, but we can't just drink shakes and smoothies all the time.
--
I was a "little" defensive!  I mean...I DO use my appliances.  In an ideal world, I would have a huge kitchen and I would use ALL of my appliances.  On the other end of it, I think that Kris was a little offended too that I was wanting to replace his Christmas gift last year with a REAL food processor.

Let me defend myself here a little bit.  I LOVE the Magic Bullet.  It was a great gift from Kris, who got it because we couldn't afford a food processor at the time.  It was small and compact, perfect for my way-too-limited counter space.  And I used that great little gadget almost every day, for about 3 weeks.  UNTIL I WAS SMOOTHIED-OUT!!!

And I was still left longing for a food processor.  There were other things I wanted to do with it, that it just couldn't do.  Nuts for example.  This one was HUGE for me.  I wanted the ability to grind pecans or almonds very fine...and the Magic Bullet just fails here.  Additionally, I go through phases when I want to make cheesecakes.  All the time.  And not all cheesecake crusts are made from graham crackers.  And I don't know if you have ever tried to CHOP vanilla wafers or other items for crust with a knife or a food chopper. But it just doesn't work out the way you want it to.  I knew I needed a food processor to make my life easier.

So this brings us back to standing in Target, trying not to cry because I WANT a food processor, but am told that I will never use it.  Kris practically forced me to buy a food processor that day by the way (I think he felt guilty for insulting me).  We couldn't afford a 12 cup one, and I just really don't have room for it.  So I settled on a 3 cup Kitchen Aid food processor.

I LOVE IT!!!!!

And, just between you and me, I have used it several times already!!  In fact, I made a delicious turtle cheesecake last night that Kris seemed to enjoy quite a bit.  So now, tell me dear husband, do you regret the purchase of yet another appliance I will never use?  Think about that question as you feast on what you called "probably the best cheesecake I've ever had"!!

SNOW in STL

 

This week for Mama Kat's WW, I chose option #2:  A photo journal entry...show us what winter looks like in your town.

It snowed last night.  A lot.  Not as much as Minnesota and other places see on a regular basis.  But a lot for St. Louis!  Kris braved the idiots out driving in it.  I suppose you could say he joined the ranks of idiots who got out today, though he would just consider it good work ethic.  I decided to stay home with the kids, since of course they had a snow day.  I'm pretty sure unless someone actually starts plowing in our neck of the woods that a snow day will be had by all tomorrow too.

I put off as long as I could finding stray gloves and hats, enough to outfit four small children as they embarked on 10 minutes of fun in the snow.  Does anyone else find it exhausting to let your kids play in the snow?  I mean, it takes 20 minutes to locate and then assemble all the layers, hats, coats and gloves appropriately.  They play for maybe 5-10 minutes (is it just mine?).  Then it takes 20 minutes to un-layer, and a good 10 minutes to clean up the wet mess of snow and clothes.  And if you have more than one kid, multiply that time by each extra kid!

Today I did something I rarely do.  I went outside with the kids.  Without being coerced or paid.  Though I wouldn't have minded a little extra income for that...Abbey chose NOT to go outside (smart girl!).  So it was just me, Livvy, Kat, and Kaleb.  Hands down my favorite part was shoving the kids down.  True story.  It was great!

Here is my "photo journal" of what winter looks like in my town right now.

Buried!

What is it about a kid w/hands on hips that is just so cute?

Yes, that is a purple hat.  It's the only one he could find.  Poor Kaleb!

Where is Kat's face?

Kaleb made a smiley face.  Enjoy the snow St. Louis!

Maggiano's

About a year ago, when I was hitting the Candida diet hard and being "good", a vendor took us to Maggiano's.  Even eating yeast-free it was delicious!  This year, the same vendor took us back there.  Tonight.  While I'm NOT being good.  Not eating yeast-free.  And it was, again, delicious!  I even got dessert this time.

I thought I would hate creme brule.  But you know what?  I didn't.  It was delicious!  I don't think I could eat it all the time...but I really liked the caramelized yumminess on the top!

I knew tiramasu had a coffee flavor.  I did NOT know it would taste JUST LIKE COFFEE.  GROSS!!!  I DO NOT LIKE TIRAMASU!  Or coffee.

Next time I think I'll just stick with the "small child" sized piece of cheesecake!

If there is a Maggiano's near year, or you see one while travelling, and you have unlimited amounts of money (that last one is key), GO.  You'll be glad you did!

Never a dull moment

This has been a crazy week, and it's just Tuesday!!  Tomorrow night, dinner with a vendor at a super expensive and absolutely delicious restaurant.  Tastefully Simple party at a friend's house Thursday night, weather permitting.  I'm hosting a Tastefully Simple party Friday night.  Yes I LOVE Tastefully Simple!  YUM!  Cannot wait to eat that beer bread.  I'm sure between the next three days I will gain 5 pounds just from looking at all the wonderful food, and another 10 for consuming it.  So, while the next three days will include things I love (FOOD!), it's going to be busy between basketball practices, therapy, work.  Kat has a birthday party Friday night that we might let her go to.  Saturday we have THREE back to back basketball games PLUS we are working concession at the same time!  I am just so thankful we are playing at Grace this week.  It's 12 minutes from home and all the games will fall within a 3 hour time frame.  And best of all?  The first game doesn't start at 8am!  It's starts at 12:15.  Then Kaleb got invited to one birthday party Sunday afternoon, while Abbey got invited to another, of course in a different location, at the same time.  So, I ask you again, why did I have four kids???  :-)

I really miss getting out there and doing my PC shows.  I went to a meeting tonight and it really got me excited all over again about my business, like it always does.  I love the products. I love the people.  I love the potential that the company can offer anyone.  I love the idea of doing all the travelling I want to do on someone else's dime!  I keep telling Kris that someday we will travel, and he won't have to pay for it (I've been telling him this for 8 years!).

Which brings me to my bittersweet reality.  I have TWO jobs that I love.  One is my day job, and one is my fun job.  And unfortunately, we are dependent, in more than one way, on me working my day job.  And the only way to match my current income with my fun job is to do 10-12 shows each month and have SEVERAL ACTIVE people on my team with me.  And the reality is that it isn't going to happen at this time.  But some day...some day I WILL earn us a trip. Some day I will do all the travelling I want to do, without burdening my husband with having to come up with the money for it.  Good things come to those who wait right?

A rare break

Yesterday, though in the usual pain (around a 3-4 on the scale), I was able to do something I rarely am able to do these days.  COOK.  A lot.  I was a machine!

The day started off WAY too early, because Kaleb had a basketball game at 8am, that was of course 40 minutes from my house.  Why our school plays in a West County league I do not know,  but it makes it really annoying on us North County folks!  Kat had her game at 2:15, in almost the exact same location, but ten minutes FARTHER away.  We probably used at least half a tank of gas driving back and forth to games.

OK...back to the topic at hand.  So, Kaleb and I came home from his game and I decided I was going to cook. I got round steak prepped and into the crock pot, so we would have dinner.  Then, because I was hungry and wanted sausage, decided to make biscuits and gravy and sausage.  It was delicious!!!

Then, before hiding in the warm shelter of my bed with heated mattress pad in the afternoon, I got bread ingredients ready and started up the good ol' bread machine.  I LOVE my bread machine.  I'm pretty sure my mom bought it for me a few years ago.  It remained in my basement for the last couple of years, because I have next to NO counter space.  But I had Kris trade out my toaster oven for the bread machine and was determined to have bread with our round steak tonight.  There is something so satisfying about homemade bread.  SO. GOOD.

While I was on a roll, I whipped up a batch of homemade brownies and then made homemade mashed potatoes to finish off dinner.

All in all, it was a very productive day...one that I will likely pay for today!  But I'll take what I can get.  Days like yesterday are few and far between!

Oh and just for a little humor today, we watched Percy Jackson & The Olympians The Lightning Thief for movie night last night.  Medusa was in it and Livvy, who had been playing downstairs, came up around the time Medusa was on the screen  I said, "Look at her hair Livvy.  Don't you wish you had hair like that?"

Her response?

"No!  It would make too much noise at the night."  --yeah...that's the biggest reason NOT to want snakes all over your hair!!  Silly girl.

Sick kids

I spent Friday working from home with two sick kids.  Katherine had a fever earlier in the week and has a bad cough-we kept her home to rest and monitor the cough to see if she would need to go to the doctor.  Olivia got the fever Thursday at school.  I gave her Ibuprofen Thursday night before bed, around 7:30pm.  It had obviously worn off when she came into my room at 4am Friday morning muttering about hot chocolate and other random nonsense.  I think she was delirious with fever!  Then she came back in my room at 6am, almost crying because she was thirsty.  I told her there was a water bottle on the door in the fridge and away she went.  A few minutes later I heard her exclaim "This water is SO good!!!"  As if she had never had something that tasted so sweet, so fulfilling.  It was really funny.  She went downstairs and watched TV for a while.  She came upstairs a couple of hours later and I could hear her moaning as she came up the steps.  She came to me, crying.  Unusual...I asked her what was wrong.  She kept telling me her feet were hurting.  I asked her if they were asleep, but she insisted they were not.  I think she was feeling weak and achy with the fever and just didn't know how to interpret, much less communicate, how her body was feeling.  Poor little baby.  I hate when my kids are sick!

I began to panic when I took her temperature and it climbed up to 104.2 before the thermometer FINALLY beeped.  On the advice of the most knowledgeable people, my Facebook friends, I called the doctor for advice about her fever and aches/pains.  When I told them everything, they said they wanted to see her.  So I made the appointment.

Did you know that they can now TEST for the flu?  How long has this been going on?  Months?  Years?  Decades?  I had NO clue they could test for the flu.  Apparently many people have come in this week with symptoms of the flu, but most were not testing positive.  The high fever had the doctor concerned, so he tested her.  Guess whose kid has Influenza A?  Um...yeah...mine.  Check out the cool prize they gave her!

So, Tamiflu was prescribed for ALL of my kids.  Apparently if you catch it early enough, it can be very helpful.  Livvy's symptoms started yesterday, so she was in the right time frame to get it.  Everyone else in the household has a 60% chance of catching it.  The pediatrician advised Kris and I to call our primary doctor and get a RX as well.  I tried...but my doctor was out until Monday.  I will call back Monday and see if she will write me one.  I don't even know who Kris' primary is, so it is highly unlikely that he will get any.  Because I rarely get *that* sick, I may give Kris my medicine, since he DOES get that sick.  Anyway...I thought, great!  Finally a way to keep the others from getting it (though with her fever and coughing earlier this week, I think Kat started it), or at least, lessen the severity of symptoms.

What I didn't know is how expensive Tamiflu is.  To make matters worse, our insurance deductible started over.  And each new year, this impacts us.  Because we have an HSA, and a $2400 deductible...or is it now $2800?  I can't remember.  All I know is that we pay full-price (well, the insurance rate) until that deductible is met.  For all appointments, procedures, AND medications.  Tamiflu, for kids, is $89...EACH.  I paid for only 3 of them and thought I would have a panic attack after shelling out almost $300!  One of them wasn't ready yet, so I have to go back on Monday and shell out another $89!!  It was extremely painful.

Kris then told me that as long as we didn't have any other medical expenses before the next pay period we'd be fine.  Um...remember how I'm kinda crazy and need some crazy meds?  My appointment is on January 26.  Still in this pay period.  And I know from past appointments that it will cost $65.  And the medicine?  At least $150.  I am hoping that we can be billed for the appointment and I'll just have to wait until February 1 to get my prescriptions filled.  THIS is one of the reasons I keep going off of my medicine.  It's all well and good when our deductible is met and I just pay a copay.  But the beginning of the year is extremely hard.  *sigh*  I have come to realize that it doesn't matter how much it costs.  We have to figure out a way to make it work.  That much I know.

Let's Talk About TLC

I watched My Strange Addiction for the first time Wednesday night.  I think it's fake.  Some of it.  I know that the hair pulling thing is real.  It is a disorder called Trichotillomania.  Someone was just telling me the other day that her daughter had that.  But overall, I wonder how much of that show is staged.  And just FYI, a shoe addiction isn't strange.  Aren't like 90% of women addicted to shoes?

Now, let's move on to Toddlers & Tiaras.  Here are some of the things from the episode I watched that I found disturbing.  *Note...this is the first (and likely the only) time I have watched this show.

How can a 15 month old, in the words of her mother, REALLY "enjoy pageants so much"??  She's a BABY!  Do you really have a good gauge for what she enjoys???  I do have to have a little respect for the fact that this mother waited until her daughter was SIX months old to get her started in pageants, don't I?  No...no I don't.  I was being sarcastic.  The same mother also said "I supply her with whatever it takes to win, because that's what we enjoy."  Again...she's a BABY!!!  It's what WE enjoy?  Fake nails and tanning?  How many times do I have to remind you that she is JUST A BABY????  Oh my gosh these people may drive me insane...duct taping a dress..."This is the first time we've had to use duct tape, so I'm hoping it's going to hold."  Right...because that's what is important.  What about an allergic reaction to the adhesive?  What about her poor little baby skin when you remove the tape?  And then the mother is talking about the behavior on stage and saying "She did horrible!"  Really?  Are you going to tell her that?  Because if you do, I have a feeling that in a few years she isn't going to want to keep up YOUR dream.  Over-the-top mom also said "I do not know how Sami would react today if she didn't win."  Yeah, I'm pretty sure she won't care one way or the other...she's a baby, remember?

From the words of a 6 year old, "I love pageants and I want to get money."  Don't get me wrong but am I the only one who finds it disturbing that a 6 year old likes pageants because she wants money?  I thought pageants weren't about the money...aren't they about world peace or something?  Isn't that why people doll up their babies (or themselves) and parade around a stage?  They're saving the world, one pageant at a time...

And I'm sorry (I'm really not) but subjecting a child who doesn't WANT their eyebrows waxed to eye brow waxing is not OK, in my book.  It isn't like she is saying "OK, let's do this."  The child is screaming while her mother subjects her to pain.  And then she said she doesn't like waxing.  Well, don't DO IT!  I want to cry for this little six year old.  The same girl cries that fake eyelashes hurt.  I'll give you that that particular girl might be a bit of a drama queen, but pain is pain.  Have you had your eyebrows waxed?  It hurts!  But then again, we are adults...

Of course, it is ultimately going to bring us world peace, so who am I to judge?

This may step on some toes.  Maybe you are a pageant mom.  Don't ALL pageant moms read my blog?  If so, please know that what I wrote above is just my reaction to what I saw on the show.  I am in no way saying YOU are a bad mom, or that you do not have your child's best interests at heart.  I don't know you and it's not my place to tell you how to parent.  I know that I'm the last parent that should be offering parenting advice!  I'm simply sharing my impressions of the SHOW Toddlers & Tiaras.

Writer's Workshop

#3. A moment you felt truly relieved.

In keeping with the serious theme from Tuesday about motherhood, I'm going to admit something; tell you something that I rarely talk about.

I've written a few posts about my son, and my struggles with him in the past. The quick version is that I was horribly depressed during my 2nd pregnancy, and for the first seven months of my son's life. Pre-partum, post-partum...I had it all!

 I was a mess. 

 You see, I got pregnant with my son Kaleb when Katherine was just six weeks old. 

Weeks? 

 Yes. 

 That's right. I said weeks. It's not a typo. It wasn't 6 months. It wasn't 6 years. It was SIX WEEKS. So, of course I was a mess.

When my son was just five months old, I found out I was pregnant with my third. So there I sat, with a 15 1/2 month girl AND a 5 month old boy...despondent and not sure what the future would hold. I was, at this point, un-medicated. My depression undiagnosed. My feelings buried. I had to hide a lot. I got so much criticism and so many of *those* looks...the looks that say "What were you thinking?" Or the comments:  "Are you crazy?" Or "You know how that happens right?" So my only reaction, my gut reaction, was to pretend like I was 100% thrilled with the reality that I would be 23 years old, still in college THUS barely hanging on financially, with three babies in diapers.

You know what? I wasn't happy. I wasn't holding it all together, on the inside. I was a mess and my marriage, to top it off, was not in a good place. I was depressed and neither Kris nor I knew it. Long story short (I'm not good at that am I?), when my son was 7 months old, God pulled me out of my dark pit and things turned around. I finally bonded with my son...better late than never right? A couple months later, it was time to find out if my current pregnancy would bring me another boy or another girl.

I told myself, convinced myself, that I would be happy either way. Boy or girl, I didn't care. So long as he/she is healthy. The usual, right? God had really helped me through a severely dark time in my life and I was at peace with my current babies, and the baby to come. I had a girl and a boy at this point, so I really didn't have a preference.

And yet, when the technician told us that we were indeed having another girl, I felt this huge weight lift from my shoulders.  I couldn't explain it.  I THOUGHT I would be happy, boy or girl.  But that sense of intense, tremendous relief I felt was undeniable.  I think that I was so traumatized by all of my experiences with my son's pregnancy and first few months of life that I thought I would go crazy if I had another boy.  And while it wasn't as extreme, I felt the same relief when I was told that my fourth child was also a girl. I think I was just not cut out to raise more than boy.  And don't get me wrong.  I don't HATE boys.  And I love my son fiercely!  In case you are now wondering and questioning if I like my girls better.

So there it is.  How's that for some honesty?

For Kris...

Today my husband of 11.5 years turns 32 years old.  In an attempt to give him some sort of gift that DOES NOT consist of spending-his-hard-earned-money-that-we-are-currently-out-of, I am dedicating this blog post to him.  Being featured on a blog is, after all, the highlight of any man's life, is it not?  It will be like a dream come true for him.  That's right...I love him THAT much! 

I have also decided that in an effort to be completely lame symbolic, I will do what has never been done before and write 32 things that I absolutely love about my husband.  I don't have the time or mental capacity to try to sort through 32 different things by order of preference, so this list is completely random, in no particular order, and like this sentence, may be redundant.  I'm only numbering them so that I can keep track of how many I've actually written.  Ready, set, GO!

32 Reasons for keeping my husband around

32.  He has the sexiest legs in the world.  That's right, I've seen ALL the legs that exist in the world and his have them all beat!

31.  His face, when properly shaved, is so very kissable.

30.  He tolerates me posting mildly embarrassing things about him, both on my blog and on Facebook!

29.  He loves my food!

28.  He will accept me TRYING to be nice to him as a birthday present over a new PS3 game that he doesn't have time to play.  Granted...we don't have money to spend on presents and he is in charge of the finances, but still...me being nice to him (or trying to) is kind of a big deal.

27.  When I gained weight and cried about how fat I was he insisted that I was not fat.

26.  When I kept that weight instead of losing it, he still insists I am not fat.  I insist that he is delusional, but in a nice way.

25.  Early on in our marriage, during some crying fit over my weight, he told me that all that mattered was that we loved each other.  It has stuck with me all these years and brought me comfort.

24.  Secretly, deep down inside where he won't admit it and possibly doesn't even know it, he has a thing for chubby girls.  ;-) 

23.  He took over the finances and got us out of a great amount of debt that I got us into.

22.  He takes me to get my peach tea from QT, even when we really shouldn't, because he has already entered the receipts and we won't have more money for another week and a half.

21.  Sometimes when I've gone all psychotic on him and the kids, he will lean over and pat my leg or rub my neck, instead of yelling at me.

20.  He lets me tease him about playing Star Trek D&D, over and over again.

19.  He thinks I'm funny.  How could he not?

18.  He encourages me in all my endeavors and patiently waits for them to fizzle out and for me to move on to the next thing (sewing, Pampered Chef, culinary school some day maybe).

17.  He NEVER insults me, calls me names, belittles me.  EVER.

16.  He loves our children with a passion that I am thankful for.  Every. Single.  Day.

15.  He rescues me when I am too tired, angry, or depressed and cannot cope as a mother, without complaining or making me feel horrible about myself.

14.  He believes that there is good in me, even when I do not.

13.  When I call myself that bad, bad name he insists that I am not that bad, bad name and asks me nicely to stop calling myself that bad, bad name, even though we both know that sometimes I really can be that bad, bad name.

12.  He reads my blog.

11.  He has stayed with me through some very hard years, when most men would have run as fast as they could in the other direction.

10.  He tells me he plans to stay with me...and I think I believe him.

9.  He is invincible.  No seriously.  He is.  He told me so.  He says he's not going to die.  EVER.  Or at least, not before me.  I will hold him to this.

8.  When everyone else thinks I'm not good enough for him, he assures me that he loves me and understands me, and that our teasing of one another is "our thing" instead of just me belittling him. 

7.  See #8.  This deserves to be on here twice.

6.  He's a good man.  Like, really good.

5.  He loves God and wants to lead our family.

4.  If there is some sort of problem, he will do what it takes, whatever it is, to show me that he cares and that he loves me.

3.  He likes watching TV with me.  Even some shows that most other men complain about, though deep down they really do enjoy it.  Because, after all, no one is forcing them to sit there.

2.  He accepts me, each year, with my ever-growing list of obsessive-compulsive habits.

1.  This last one isn't a reason I love him, it just "is".  I love him.  With all my heart.  And can't imagine spending the rest of my life (he's not gonna die remember?) with anyone else.

Happy Birthday Kristopher!  Here's to 32 more years together...unless I die before that; then you can feel free to die at will, after I'm gone.

An honest look at motherhood

I got an email from a friend yesterday that I wanted to share.  It's no secret to those who know me that I don't like to be touched.  Hugging?  No thank you.  I'm very open as well about my struggles with depression over the last decade.  Why?  Why do I have to share my deepest, darkest secrets with the entire internet world?  Well, first of all, if you only knew!  Depression has nothing on my really deep, dark secrets!  Second, if I don't talk about it, who will?  Several other women out there with blogs similar to mine!  Third, who reads this blog anyway?  ;-)

So yesterday I got this email from my friend:

"Odd question for you.  I know you hate people touching you.  Does that extend to your kids?  Because if I am feeling irritated/anxious (which is often) then I don't even like my kids touching me.  Am I the only mother who gets that way?"

The first thing I told her is that I was going to call DFS.

JUST KIDDING!

Seriously though, it's questions like this that remind me how good it is for me to talk about my own struggles.  Because if I didn't, I can guarantee you that my friend would not have felt comfortable discussing such a personal subject with me.  It's terrifying to admit how you really feel, especially as a mother.

And this isn't the only time I've had a friend express concerns over things that I myself struggle with on a far too regular an occasional basis.  I believe that it is essential to be honest about how you are feeling.  It is important for moms to talk about these negative feelings.  Because you know what?  They don't go away.  Burying those negative thoughts and feelings doesn't make them stop.  It just makes your anxiety worse!  And when your anxiety or frustration level is higher, you are not going to be that calm, cool, collected mom you want to be in your head.  That mom you THINK you SHOULD be but feel guilty that you aren't.

I don't mind being that crazy person that makes one person feel less alone. 

6 words to describe me

I was looking through Mama Kat's writing prompts and came across a post where Kat asks her husband to describe her in 6 words.  It's so much better than anything I could come up with-check out her conversation with her husband!  I thought it would be interesting to ask my family for their thoughts.  Rather than give you the "good" ones, I am going to pick one from each person and write my thoughts on what they think of me.

Let's start with Kaleb.  At first he said "dumb" but when I told him I was writing that one down, he told me to change it.  So when he said "thirsty" I just looked at him, thinking he was not taking his task very seriously.  But he justified it by saying "You drink a lot of water."  Fair enough, son.

Olivia did NOT understand the exercise at all.  Not even a little, even after I explained it in terms that any five year old SHOULD understand.  Finally, she began to come around (barely) but could not confine herself to just one word.  Instead, she said "shiny teeth".  Um...OK then...moving on...

Katherine of course made me proud when "sarcastic" made her list.  I love that girl!

Abbey did not disappoint in all her "Abbey-ness".  She is always the one to speak her mind, with no filter.  At all.  So when she said "skinny" I was confused and said "I'm not though Abbey."  After a moment's hesitation, during which I could tell she was trying to be kind, she gave up and responded with "You could do fat."  Thanks Abs!

Now...let's talk about Kris.  Right from the start, he rattled off "funny" and "intelligent".  Gee, way to be creative...but at least he came up with 2 right away, right?  And then, can you believe he couldn't think of anything else???  So much for boosting my self-esteem!!!

Edward Scissorhands

When we got the PS3 for Christmas, I wanted to get a blu-ray movie to test it out.  So, we checked the $10 movies and settled on Edward Scissorhands.  I remembered liking that movie--of course it DOES star Johnny Depp, so it could have been about vampires and it is likely I would have enjoyed it, and I HATE vampires.  From what I remembered about the movie, it seemed "safe" for the kids.  Guess what!?!  Yeah...a guy gets murdered!  I completely forgot about that.  I think my kids (except Katherine who is a horror movie junkie in the making) were a little freaked out, and I'm praying no one has nightmares from it!

What I wanted to share with you is Edward Scissorhands, from the perspective of a 5 year old.  There is a scene where Edward saves a boy from getting hit by a van.  And when he goes to check on him, he accidentally scratches him on the cheek.  All of the kids are intent, watching and waiting to see what will happen next.  All of them except Olivia.  In the midst of all of this, Olivia says "That's what happens when you have knives for hands!"

On a completely different note, I find myself itching to shave my head.  Oh that I could, and not be looked at or laughed at!  I know some people think I am crazy, especially since my hair hangs only about an inch below my chin, but I am now starting to feel the weight of it on my neck.  You know, that neck that hurts.  All.  The.  Time.  I can feel the weight.  And I want to just cut it all off.  So today I started looking at short hairstyles, trying to determine if any of them would look OK on my less than thin face.  Then I stumbled across Virtual Makeover.  You can upload a picture of yourself and test out different styles, to see if it is something that might look good on you.  I couldn't find any that I just loved.  So I will probably do nothing.  But, let me know what your thoughts are on the hairstyles below.  Which do you think looks best?  1, 2, or 3?

#1.

#2

#3

Lazy Sunday Mornings

I love lazy Sunday mornings.  Well, I love ANY lazy morning...but for us, they only seem to happen on Sundays.  Nowhere to go until 10:30.

I interrupt this blogcast to make an important annoucement.

Abbey just brought me my wedding band!  Why is this exciting?  Why does this require interruption of what was going to be a super-awesome blog post?  Because my wedding band has been lost for 2 years!  When I went for my first MRI on my neck, I stuck the wedding band in my wallet, in a zippered pocket.  When I remembered to put the band back on, several weeks later, I couldn't find it.  I was really sad and looked everywhere.  Through every purse, every wallet, every pocket.  To no avail.  About 6 months ago, I gave Abbey the purse and wallet I know I stuck my wedding band in.  I thoroughly checked both, just to make sure the ring wasn't in there.  It wasn't.

Abbey has been in the habit lately of calling me "Queen Jamie" or "Queen Mommy" and asking me if there is anything she can do for me, like any good servant would.  This morning she came over to me saying she had found three treasures.  From what I could see, they were all trash.  I looked at the first two and was about to tell her to throw them all away, when I spied the third treasure.  It looked very similar to my missing wedding band.  Sure enough, it WAS!  I asked her where she found it, and she said it was on the floor in the hallway.  How bizarre...

However she came across it, she was right.  What she found IS a treasure! 

The panic attack...

...could have been avoided!

Remember all my drama surrounding my upcoming chaotic Saturday?

Well, it turns out that could have been avoided!!

Let me explain.

As I sat in the living room, feeling like I would crawl out of my skin, my husband sat in the other room with his newest stress reliever...NBA2K11.  Leaving me out here to think about my impending doom.  It took me literally 3 hours to get somewhat calm.  And then, Kris came out of the bedroom, having finished one of his NBA games with the Chicago Bulls.  And I told him about how I was feeling because I can't keep my mouth shut he cares so much about every obsessive-compulsive detail of my life.  I told him he should read my blog so he would know how upset I had gotten.

And then he blurted out "Oh they cancelled the hike.  Now we're just going to breakfast."

Um, what?

That information would have been helpful three hours ago!!!  

He told me he "forgot" to tell me.  He found out Tuesday night and it somehow just "slipped his mind".  Even though he knew I was a scary, certified crazy person a little bent out of shape, he FORGOT????

And then he nonchalantly mentions he was JUST going to breakfast????  Excuse me, but did I hear that right??  Did you seriously leave me all alone in here anxiously contemplating the upcoming weekend, playing your stupid basketball game, when you KNEW you were NOT going to be hiking all day after all????

And then, to top it all off, he did go ahead and read my blog post.  

And was he sorry and full of compassion?  

No. 

And did he seek to bow down and kiss my feet in an effort to make everything OK?  

Nope.

Did he offer me money?  

Yeah right.  

Chocolate?  

Not likely.  

A night free of "laundry"?  

He absolutely did NOT.  

He just laughed.  

And laughed and laughed and laughed.

JERK FACE!

Hoarders

I've been watching Hoarders again.  I don't know why I do it to myself.  It makes me so anxious, just watching it, and yet I am drawn to it.  I can't stop watching.  In fact, Kris had to literally turn the TV off last night so I would go to the bedroom to watch Lovely Bones, which by the way did NOTHING to ease my anxiety!!  There is something so fascinating about seeing how these people live, if you can call it that.  I can't comprehend it, though I understand the mental illness aspect of it, thus know that it is very real. 

And then I fear that the coating of dust on my fan blades means that I am a hoarder and that I live in filth and squallor.  The animals are what really creep me out...the ones that live in peoples' homes.  Last night, it was bunnies-14 bunnies removed from the home.  Seriously?  And I'm so confused...were these pets that multiplied over time or did they just somehow get in the house and start breeding?  I missed that part I think.

However, what really creeped me out was the MICE that started scurrying around (looked like they were flying to me!).  I had just finished watching a preview for the finale, which I don't think I can watch due to the rats infesting someone's home, and suddenly, here are about 20 mice hopping and scurrying about on the CURRENT episode.  SO GROSS!!  I cannot even begin to tell you how creeped out I am by mice. 

Maybe it's because they were in my home this summer.  Maybe it's because they are smarter than you'd think, and they managed to disable our traps, as well as purposely try to aggravate me.  I can tolerate spiders.  I can tolerate crickets.  I'm less tolerable of cockroaches, but I cannot even begin to think any kind thoughts towards the mice race. 

I hate them. 

No, I loathe them.  Yes, that's better. 

They are evil and manipulative creatures.  And I have no problem killing them.  My 10 year old does not like my hateful attitude towards mice-she wanted to keep all 6 of them as pets.  She even made death certificates for some of them that perished at my hand (more on that later).

So, when I think about Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop this week and what I would rather NOT repeat this year, it would be the mice problems we had.  Here is a recap of what we went through in 2010.  The 2010 Mouse Saga:

Mice and Fire

Smarter than a Mouse

More on the Mouse

Friday Flip Off-dedicated to the mice

Step Away From the Ledge

I need someone to come and talk me down from the ledge.  I'm having a panic attack.

I've known for a while that I would be "going it alone" on Saturday, January 8th.  Kris is doing this all day hike with a men's group.  He's really excited about it-he has new hiking boots and everything.  I have also known for a while that January 8th would be the start of basketball, which two of my kids are participating in.  I was told that the games would always be in the same location...i.e. if the girls' team plays at the kids' school, the boys' team would too.  And so I have been trying to convince myself (and been quite successful I might add) that I can indeed handle all the driving and juggling and "entertaining" the two younger girls while I try to watch the basketball games.   I was prepared.  I knew exactly what I was up against, and have worked with my anxious self to ensure that the day goes smoothly and that I can do it.  Without Kris.

So when Katherine was invited to a slumber party Friday night, I thought, no big deal...we'll pick her up by 10:30am and be able to get her to her 1:30pm basketball game easily.  I added that into my mental plan.  I wasn't sure what time Kaleb's game would be, but I took comfort in knowing it would be in the same location, so surely the timing wouldn't be horrible.  The only conflict I could foresee (I always think in "worst case scenario") was if Kaleb had a game during the time I needed to pick Katherine up.  But I had this solved too...I would just pick Katherine up early if need be.  Problem solved, right?  It was all planned out...in my head.

Oh how wrong I was.  Kris comes home on WEDNESDAY NIGHT and proceeds to tell me that Kaleb's game is NOT at Grace, which is where the kids go to school, is close to my house, and where Kat's game is going to be.  It's out off of Manchester.  Which would be fine.  If I lived ANYWHERE near Manchester.  And, to make matters worse, his game starts at 8:30am (WAY TOO FREAKING EARLY!).  Before I go into full panic mode, I asked Kris what time he had to leave for his hike.  He looks pained...and tells me that he is supposed to meet the guys for breakfast by 7am.  Well, Kris can't drop Kaleb off 35 minutes away from our house by 8am.  So that means I will have to get up early ON A SATURDAY, get three kids ready (remember one will be at a sleepover), and then drive Kaleb out to his game 30 minutes before game time.  I will spend the next 30 minutes entertaining my 5 and 8 year old, and the entire game I will rotate between trying to watch the game and worrying that my two younger girls will fall and hurt themselves, or annoy someone (it will likely only be me), or get into trouble.

Next, I will have probably 30 minutes to kill before I need to go and pick Kat up.  So I will then pick Kat up from her friend's house, go home and feed everyone lunch, and head right back out the door to get Kat to the school by 1pm, for her 1:30 game.  During which I will do much of the same juggling my attention, this time with one extra kid added in.

And, to top it off, I have NO clue when Kris will get home on Saturday.  It will probably be AFTER bedtime, which most everyone who knows me knows I hate.  Sunday cannot come faster!  When will the husband learn that he cannot change my plans without at least a month's warning, to give me time to readjust my mental schedule?  If he would just read my blog, :-) maybe he'd see that springing this on me tonight when I am an emotional mess probably wasn't the best idea he's had.  I love the man, but how does he not know me???

So if you want to say a prayer or 20 for me on Saturday, bring it on!  Hopefully I'll be more calm and resolved to handle everything by then!

Dear Cancer...

...you suck!

*Disclaimer* - there is at least one typo in here.  I'm sure you'll find it.  I found it, then went to edit it and now can't find it and my eyes are burning...so the typo stays.

I'm drained today.  Not nearly as drained as my dear friend (and her family) who buried her mother today.  But drained.  Cancer claims yet another victim.  Cancer is like Satan...I HATE him!  He wreaks havoc wherever he goes.  He gets into your life and destroys you from the inside out, leaving a trail of despair and wreckage, that leaves your loved ones feeling empty and alone.

I'm thankful that I had the time and means and opportunity to go to Indiana yesterday to support my friend Amanda.  Her mom died Sunday afternoon and while I wouldn't normally go out of town for just any friend who was burying a parent (especially if I didn't know the parent), this friend isn't just any friend.

Amanda is very dear to my heart.  I get weepy when I think back over what we've been through over the last 18 years.  We connected from the time we first met and were fast friends.  When I look back to the people that I felt the closest to, and had the strongest connection to when I was growing up, she was it.  I don't think I've ever really told her everything I'm about to "say".  I've shared bits and pieces, but I don't think she really knows how much she means to me.  And it is actually pretty sad (on my part) that it has taken the death of her mother for me to really share my whole heart.

Amanda and I met in junior high school.  What I remember most about our friendship is all the laughter.  We laughed...a lot.

But, I was young and naive.  Especially about God and Christianity.  And even more so, about what friendship was really all about.  As happens from time to time, a rift came between us in high school.  Circumstances beyond our control, along with my limited understanding of how a friend should behave, drove us apart.  There was quite a bit of upheaval back then, when I was 15.  I blame myself for the majority of it.  At the time, I thought that if I just prayed hard enough and showed her the right passages in the Bible, everything would work out.

Reality check.  That's not what God wants us to be like as friends.  A real friend is one who will support you, no matter what, and just sit beside you, even when they don't understand.  I learned a lot from that friendship. I learned how to be a friend, because when I was 15 year old, I failed to be a true friend.  Most of it was immaturity, physical/mental as well as spiritual.  I was just a kid.  Trying to understand adult concepts.  And because I didn't know how to deal with certain circumstances, I pushed Amanda away when she needed me most.  I will always be saddened by this and feel guilty, even though I can reason out that I couldn't have changed it.  I can't go back and give my 15 year old self the maturity I have now as an adult.  But I still feel pain, and wish that things had turned out differently.

At the same time, I can't complain about how everything has turned out, all these years later.  I wonder if I would feel the same love and connection to Amanda now, had we not gone through what we did so many years ago.  I can't even remember now how many years ago it was, maybe 8-10.  Amanda reached out and reconnected with me.  I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I was for a chance to be a friend to her again.  I had learned a lot and in fact, measured how I treated all of my future friends off of the mistakes I made with Amanda.  I believe that I am a better friend today because I didn't know how to be a friend then.

I'm rambling, I know.  I am still trying to process all of this.  Anyway...long story not as long, we reconnected and began to rebuild our friendship.  We sat together at our 10 year reunion and I've loved being able to catch up and keep up over Facebook.  People say a lot of negative things about Facebook, but I love that I can keep up with the people I really want to keep up with and feel like I am still a part of their lives, especially those that live far away from me.

I feel like God gave me a second chance to be a real friend to Amanda, and I intend to take every opportunity to do just that.  It broke my heart to see her sadness, to feel it and watch her grieve.  It's hard, knowing you can't do anything to really ease the pain.  Knowing that words are not enough.  Hoping that your presence communicates your love and support.  And that was my reason for driving four hours to go to a funeral for a woman I didn't know.   Because I love Amanda, so much.  I'm home now, feeling drained and just sad.  Sad that I can't do more to ease her pain.  Sad that she will have to face the upcoming days and months and years without her mother.  Sad that I can't physically be there.  But so very thankful to even have the chance to be the friend I didn't know how to be when I was 15.

There's really no intention to this post, short of trying to get some of the weight off my chest.  Trying to take some of the swirling thoughts out of my head.  So, thanks for bearing with me!  And Amanda, if you're reading this, I love you and will be praying for you.  If there's ANYTHING I can do, even if it is just to virtually sit beside you as you cry, please know that I am here for you.  Always.

McAlister's made my year!

So remember how I was just complaining about 2011?  I do have one thing that I am looking forward to this year...CHRISTMAS!  Wait...what?

Yeah you heard me!  And it's all thanks to McAlister's Deli.

My two favorite things at McAlister's are the BLT and the Sweet Tea.  So.FREAKING.Good.

A couple weeks before Christmas we went to McAlister's.  They had ads on the tables for a Christmas ornament.  And the ornament was none other than a cup of their sweet tea!  I can't be sure it was SWEET tea, vs. unsweetened, but in my  head, it was sweet!  I HAD TO HAVE IT!  Only, to my dismay, that location was sold out.  They told me there was one other location in the area that had them still.  So I called that location.  Nope.  Sold out.  I was distraught.  I'm BARELY exaggerating!  I was upset!

So I did the only thing I could think to do.  I emailed McAlister's Deli.  And I told them my plight.  I told them about our family tradition where we each buy an ornament that signifies who we are and what we love.  I told them that I NEEDED this ornament and I asked them to please give me a way to purchase it.

And you know what?  Within hours, someone emailed me back.  They told me to send them my address and they would mail me one!  WHAT???  I was SO excited.  I promptly gave them my address and asked them where I could send a check.  I fully intended to pay my $4.99 for this awesome ornament.  I would have paid $20 easily!  But they emailed back and said not to worry, it was their gift to me!

The moral of the story is that McAlister's Deli is AWESOME and it never hurts to ask for something you want!  Ready to see my 2011 ornament?  Can't wait to put it in on the tree in 11 more months!

Isn't it cute?  And it's about 3 times the size I expected it to be!

The "tea" totally moves around in there, there is a lemon, AND though it's hard to see, there are little tiny pieces of "ice" in there!  I LOVE IT!!!!