A new endeavor-Little Bishop Creations

Just in time for a new year, I have officially launched Little Bishop Creations.  It's on both Etsy and Facebook, and will be a way for me to hopefully bring in some extra income while I am currently unemployed.  The bills are piling, the debt is climbing and I feel like I need to do something to help.  Hopefully this can be something that can expand into something really great for our family, and anyone who supports it. Please go to Facebook and like Little Bishop Creations.  I'll post new items, new patterns, sales, etc...there.  I am still trying to learn my way around Etsy, so bear with me on that!  The headbands are my focus right now, but I am not limited to headbands.  I do tag blankets that work great for teething babies and general carrying around (they're smaller and easier to transport with the little one).  I also do make quilts, but I will tell you that these are time consuming, and due to my anal meticulous nature, I try to make them PERFECT, so those are not cheap but if it is something you are interested in, let me know.

NO SLIP Headbands will sell for $8 (kids) or $10 (adults) starting February 1.  For now, to start out the new year right, all headbands will be $6 or $8 (respectively) and if you buy 2, you will get 1 for FREE.  I'll run different specials each month.  Towards the end of the month, I'll have headbands that will be perfect for Valentine's Day, so check back in on Facebook for those!

If you live out of state, shipping will range between $1-2.  Orders of 10 headbands or more (think sports teams) will be discounted to $5/each.

Once I get to 100 likes on Facebook, I'll give away a headband to the 100th like! If you are interested in working with me to promote a giveaway on your blog, please contact me directly. A blog specifically for Little Bishop Creations will be up and running in a couple of days.

On another note, can you believe this is my last post for 2011?  Hopefully I'll start the year out right with a new post tomorrow.

Don't hold your breath!!

I'm gonna be ugly!

My brother has an aging booth app on his iPhone and I let him take a picture to see what I might look like on 20-30 years. Kris obliged too. Here are the results.

Back to The Cutting Edge

It was past time to have my hair done again.  I still love The Cutting Edge Salon and think that what they do is pure art. Here is what they did for me. No cut this time, just color.
I love it!!

Huh?

I posted this on Facebook last week. This picture disturbed me. Obviously it was intended for those who love to hunt? I think? I don't know. It just didn't logically make sense to me though. Why have a decal of a deer's head and then the body of a woman? What does it mean?

Who is Santa anyway?

Each year for the last several years, either my dad or one of my uncles would dress up as Santa for our extended family Christmas get together. This year, (after celebrating with my dad's side of the family which included at least 40+ people with kids) we went back to my parents' house with just my brothers, sister, and all the cousins (our 9 kids). Kris read from Luke 2, as is tradition in our family and kept the kids occupied, while my dad dressed up as Santa.

As soon as he came in, Abbey and Kaleb, amidst the adults saying "Look, Santa's here!" began shouting "Hi Pappaw!!"  Kris and I immediately silenced them, as Olivia and my niece Sophia still believe in Santa.  We explained to them that even though they knew it was Pappaw (my dad), they needed to go along with the magic of Santa for the little ones.  They understood and Santa handed out presents to all 9 grandkids.  As Santa was leaving, Sophia (three) wanted to tell Santa goodbye.  She ran up to him and he picked her up and hugged her, and held her for a few minutes.  Then my mom, wanting to get a picture, said "Turn this way Pappaw."  We all just kind of looked at each other and started laughing and I was like "Why did I just yell at my kids for outing Santa when my mom just gave the secret away?"  

Yesterday I had the privilege of having lunch with an old friend, one that is very special to me.  His name is Chad.  We've been through a lot over the last two+ decades and have had long intervals of not communicating, primarily due to just life in general.  But yesterday, it just so happened that we were in the same place at the same time, and it worked out that we were able to have lunch.  It was really great.  We got to talk and laugh and he got to meet the crazies my kids.  I was a little sad when the visit had to end and we had to drive back home but was very grateful we had the time and opportunity to meet up after all these years.

While we were having lunch, we were talking to Olivia about Santa.  I asked her if she believed in Santa Claus.  She said she did.  She also said that she knew that Pappaw was Santa.  I said "Who told you that?"  She pointed at Abbey or Kaleb.  And so I asked her if Pappaw was going to bring her presents this year on Christmas and she said yes.  I asked how he was going to get there and she said he would drive his car.  I said "Is he going to fly with his reindeer?"  She looked at me (like "seriously mom?") and said "NO! There's no such thing as reindeer."  We continued questioning her, because the conversation was slowly unfolding into something that we all found very amusing.  We asked her "Well, what about your friends? Who is going to bring them presents?"  She replied "Pappaw."  Wait..."Olivia, Pappaw is THE Santa Claus?"  She nodded her head.  I asked her if she was going to tell her friends that my dad was Santa Claus and she said "No.  It's a family secret!"

So...in case you didn't know, my dad is Santa Claus.  Livvy said so.

Christmas in Indiana

We spent the weekend in Indiana, celebrating Christmas with my family. We had a good time. It was a short trip but was a lot of fun. The kids got to see their cousins, which is always great!
While waiting for my parents to get home from church, we let the kids play outside. Livvy, as some of you know, is highly allergic to cats. And my mom has a cat that was coming near her, so she took off running. Next thing I know, I see her defensively coming back towards the cat like this! It was hilarious! *knife is plastic PETA*

No slip headbands

I stumbled across these at a vendor event over the weekend and determined to learn how to make them. Kat wanted them for her whole basketball team. I've made a total of 13 since yesterday.

If I were selling these...

My next goal is to figure exact measurements for babies and toddlers. I have measurements for young girls and adults.

Of the many features...they don't move (velvet ribbon is used to keep them in place)! No headaches or pain behind/on/around the ears. And as Abbey says "They don't hurt when I have my glasses on!" It's true. I tested it. That's one thing I always hated about headbands when I had my glasses on.

What's not to love? So quick and easy to make, and a lot cheaper! I'll never buy another headband again.

The 5 Senses

We have five main sense.  In case you didn't know.  It's been so long since I learned about them, I had to clarify what they were Tuesday night at community group.  They are, in case you can't remember: Taste, Smell, Touch, Sight, Hearing.  We always have an ice breaker question each week and this week the question was "If you had to lose one of your senses, which would it be?"

Initially it seemed like an easy question to answer.  But as we delved in, suddenly, it turned into a 20 minute conversation about why each sense was necessary and what you would miss out on if you were deprived of one.

Here is how it broke down for me (and about half of the rest of the group):

Sight - NO WAY.  I think that it would be incredibly difficult to be blind.  So many things you couldn't do.  Like drive.  Or watch Psych.  Or Big Bang Theory.  Or New Girl.  Or Raising Hope.  As well as other important things, like seeing the looks on people's faces, the glimpse of a newborn baby, a baptism, a sunset or sunrise, etc...

Hearing - Music is way too much a part of my life for me to give up my hearing without a fight.  While there are some days I wish I couldn't hear my kids fight, there are other things that I NEED to hear.  Like Christmas music.  Or my favorite songs in general.  Or the laughter of a child.  It would exclude me from having to talk on the phone, which would be excellent, but there are too many other down sides.

Touch - At first, I thought this would be my choice.  I started thinking about all the times I am annoyed by my kids rubbing against my arm or tugging on my hand or just in general touching me and annoying me.  Or other people sitting next to me, too close.  Or hugging.  In that regard, it would be awesome to lose my sense of touch.  HOWEVER...I would miss the touch of a baby's skin.  I'd miss the feeling of my children's little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, or their kisses on my cheek.  I'd become a danger to myself and likely cut my fingers off while I was cooking, or bump into everything and fall down steps or have trouble driving because I can't feel my foot to push down on the accelerator, or worse, the brakes!  And while we'll keep this family friendly still, I'll say too that I would miss the "other" kind of touching.  The kind I DO like.  The kind that makes babies.  Adults, are you with me here?  I don't think that I could give that up.  Maybe in another 20 years...maybe.  But not right now.

Now it comes down to taste or smell.  These were the hardest to decide between.  On the one hand, if you can't smell the food but can still taste it, you can still enjoy all the foods you love.  On the other hand, I can't imagine never smelling bacon again.  In some ways, I think that might be worse than not TASTING bacon again.  Additionally, if you lose your sense of taste, but can still smell, wouldn't it stand to reason that your cravings for foods would lessen?  Your tongue wouldn't salivate like it does when you think of your favorite foods.  Ultimately, it would be the perfect weight loss program.  You can keep your sense of smell, enjoy the scents, but not be tempted to eat those things that are so bad for you, because you can't taste them anyway.

So ultimately, once we talked it all through, for me, I'd have to choose my sense of taste.  #1.  I need to lose weight.  #2.  I'd rather smell the foods that I love so much than eat them, because without being able to taste them, I wouldn't be as drawn to them as I am.  Things like bacon, chocolate chip cookies, anything sweet, biscuits and gravy, steak, pork chops, etc...

And not related to food, I would totally miss smelling my Autumn Walk and Holiday Wreath candles.  I might die if I couldn't smell them again!  I'm the kind of person that will open up a candle, or garlic-infused canola oil or spices/seasonings, just to smell them.  It does eventually all come back to food for me, doesn't it?

So what about you?  What sense would you choose to give up if you were forced to?

16 lbs is not less than 10 lbs

You know, it's really hard to think about how much something weighs.  Specifically when you have a restriction put on you, regarding how much you can lift.  For the next 3 weeks, I can't lift anything over 10 lbs.  I found out why yesterday.  I went to the grocery store for the first time since the big "H" surgery.  I had no problem when I was getting groceries.  It was when I went out to the van to load them that it didn't occur to me that lifting two gallons of milk (one in each hand) was a BAD idea.  If one gallon of milk weighs 8 lbs, that means that I actually lifted 16 lbs.  And let me just tell you, I felt it immediately.  You know how people who have lost a limb have phantom pain?  I'm pretty sure I experienced pain in my missing uterus.  No joke.  Lesson learned.  But it's really hard to determine how much something weighs...now I'm measuring everything based off of how a full gallon of milk feels.  I'll be glad when that part is over.  Also, laughing causes these phantom pains as well.  Beyond that, I'm feeling pretty good.

How many of you get out of making Thanksgiving dinner this year?  I've been making Thanksgiving dinner every year for quite a while now.  My mother-in-law, her husband, and my brother-in-law will be joining us, as they do every year.  Sadly my sister, who usually joins us, is unable to make it in, so I'll be left all alone on Black Friday and will most likely spend my time AWAY from the crowds, shopping online.  Or sleeping.  Or both. We usually go to the casino together too, so maybe I'll have to take my $ and what she would have taken and go alone there too.  ;-)

I'm staying pretty low key with the food this year.  Originally (as of two days ago) I was going to make three new recipes, in addition to the usual.  As I was at the grocery store, I immediately chucked all three recipes from my list and picked up boxed mashed potatoes (the horror!) and went back to desserts I was familiar with (pecan pie, Paula Dean's Pumpkin Gooey Butter Cake, and Kraft's Double Layer Pumpkin Pie).  So, beyond that...green bean casserole, my favorite homemade mac 'n cheese EVER (recipe below), turkey (duh!), boxed stuffing, boxed mashed potatoes, and of course, corn for Abbey.  See below-I can't NOT make it.

That girls loves corn!

Oh and homemade bread from my bread machine.

So, if you want to wow the family this year, if you're doing the cooking, do everyone a favor and make this version of mac 'n cheese:

1 cup macaroni (cooked and drained)
1 cup sour cream
1 cup cottage cheese
1 cup Velveeta (cut into pieces)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 eggs

If you are not doubling this recipe, use a square baker.  If you are doubling, like I ALWAYS do, use a 13x9 pan.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Butter your pan (or spray with cooking spray).  In the pan, "whisk" the eggs together. Basically, just mix up the yolk and the whites just enough so it's all...well, mixed up.  Add the sour cream, cottage cheese, cheeses and cooked macaroni and mix until combined.  Bake at 350 for 30 minutes, or until cheese is slightly browned and bubbly.

Best. Ever.

They took my uterus!

So many things have happened in the last couple of weeks.  Let's see, after the needle through the finger debacle, I had out patient surgery to remove a sebaceous cyst from my chest.  It was basically a large mass of oil build up that had become infected.  Nothing cancerous or anything.  I will say that it HURT after for almost a week and it was in a most inconvenient place.  My friends on Facebook didn't really like that I chose to post a picture of it, so I won't torture you with it now.  Fortunately for them, I spared them the picture of my uterus, which was my next surgery.

Last Tuesday, I had a hysterectomy.  Just the uterus and cervix were removed...so I still have my ovaries (which I swear hurt)...so NO, I am not on hormone replacement therapy.  I'll still go through the horrors that are PMS each month, until my body naturally decides to go through menopause, at which point I am praying they have some faux estrogen filled medication I can take that doesn't cause blood clots,  Because otherwise, I may have to seclude myself during the entire menopausal phase of my life.  For the protection of everyone around me.

So, I'm taking it easy.  Can't lift anything over 10 lbs for four weeks.  Kris isn't too happy I moved my empty bread machine the other day.  He seems to think that it weighs more than 10 lbs, but it didn't FEEL too heavy to me when I moved it.  My ob/gyn told me that a gallon of milk weighs 8 lbs.  Can you believe that?  One of his patients told him that, and he didn't believe them, so he went home and weighed a gallon of milk.  Sure enough, 8 lbs.  I made 4 qts of koolaid today and moved that to the fridge.  When I told Kris it seemed heavier than a gallon of milk, he frowned at me and seems to think that it weighed OVER ten lbs. I'm having him weigh it now...

And the answer is...

10.4 lbs.

Well...it seems that it wasn't TOO much over.  Though Kris still contends that .4 lbs is still TOO much over 10 lbs.  Whatever...

Just a few more weeks and my stitches should be all healed up and I can start lifting whatever I want without thought.  I will say, I catch myself starting to pick something up and then think "Wait...there's no way that's less than 10 lbs."  Laundry baskets, for instance.  Thank goodness I don't do laundry anyway!  It's great to have kids old and strong enough to switch loads!  And fold and hang their own clothes. That is pretty awesome!  One of the benefits of them growing up.

I can drive whenever I want, which is nice...so long as I am not on any narcotics.  Fortunately, the pain isn't bad enough for me to need the prescribed narcotics so those are being saved for special occasions.  Like Thanksgiving day after I've done all the cooking and my back is killing me.

Don't touch my cup!

We went to a Thanksgiving dinner at our old church tonight, and at the end, I was fully engaged in conversation with my friend Tara.  I mean...we're talking, completely absorbed.  She's actually quite delightful and we were discussing the wonderful joys of being perfect mothers, with perfect children, which we both have and are.  It was very intense.

So as we are talking, out of the blue, Tara inexplicably reaches for my 52 oz refill cup from QuikTrip.  And you could say that I "kind of" FREAKED OUT.

You know that expression "A picture is worth a thousand words?"  I can guarantee that if Tara could have taken my picture in that moment when I THOUGHT she was stealing my cup as she gathered up TRASH to throw away, it would have been quite the sight.  She could likely make good money off of that picture!  From my point of view, she was trying to pick up last remnants of trash from the table to throw it away.  Never mind that the other object she picked up was a game one of my kids had left at the table.

All I knew is that she was trying to take my cup.  No one takes my refill cup.  That's mine.  For refills.

The reality is that someone was trying to remove the tablecloth and Tara was merely trying to PICK UP my items and then was planning to put them back down once the tablecloth was removed (or so she would have me believe).

She described the look on my face as a "look of horror" as she reached for my QT cup.  Honestly...I WAS freaking out a bit.  Why on earth was she taking my QT cup to the trash???  It only took moments for all of this to occur and once we both realized what had transpired...it became extremely hilarious.  I'll admit...my response was a *little* extreme.  I take my tea very seriously.  Or rather, my refill cups.  Nobody touches my refill cups.  Apparently.  I had no idea I was as attached to that empty cup as I was.  I think I might have a problem...

Tara, feel free to explain the scenario from your point of view!

Jobless and still not writing

I really thought that once I wasn't working, I'd blog every day.  I mean...I am SO interesting.  Who wouldn't want to read this EVERY day??

Almost 3 months later, and I seem to be blogging LESS.  The only thing I have consistently done is cook dinner.  Sure, we've had a couple cereal or Eggo waffle nights, but I've done some serious cooking and baking over the last 2 1/2 months...and because I'm also not eating out all the time, I've been losing weight too, a little at a time.

So much is going on...little things and big things.  Doctor appointments about. Now, I have to find an orthopedic surgeon to take Abbey to because, for the second time in her life, she has a broken collarbone.  Same side, same place.

Poor girl!  I wish I could find the picture of her in her Snoopy sling from when she was just a toddler with  a broken collarbone.  It was pathetic and cute at the same time.  

Halloween has come and gone.  Kaleb has found his new passion - film making.  A friend of ours has been helping him, and after our participation in the National Film Challenge a couple of weeks ago, Kaleb has really taken an interest.  I still don't know if I can give out the link for you to see the film we were a part of, but as soon as I have permission, I'll put a link on here for "Dinner Time".  I'm in it, along with Katherine and Kaleb.  Now Kaleb is almost done "filming" scenes to begin editing for his own first movie, called "Halloween Wishes", which I also had to be in.  At least the roles I get cast for are true to who I am...a mean, sarcastic mother.

Kris and I will be attending the "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference in STL this weekend.  I'm sure it will be good for us.  Things like this make me nervous though.  Conference, retreat...those words evoke panic in me...because I envision large crowds of people I don't know, sitting way too close to me.

ADHD

Over the last 6 months, my son's behavior has been getting more and more out of control.  After a very informative parent/teacher conference last week, I finally broke down and called a psychiatrist.  Not to medicate my son, but to get somewhere.  It's more than I can take, on an almost daily basis.  We went to see the Dr. on Tuesday.  Fortunately, my worries were unfounded and they did not immediately just decide to medicate my son.  It is something I want to avoid if possible.  I filled out about a million forms and answered many questions, some on my own and some with Kaleb's help.  I had to fill out a bipolar assessment as well and then the Dr. referred us to a therapist to talk more and try to see what is going on.  So I set that appointment up.  The Dr. mentioned two things.  Bipolar disorder and ADHD.  Then he sent me on my way, with a pamphlet on ADHD.

So...to humor him, I am reading through the pamphlet, even though I have no doubts that my son DOES NOT have ADHD.  As I read through it, I am more and more convinced.  Here are some of the indicators that stood out to me...primarily because they do not describe my son in ANY way.

There are three groups of behavior symptoms in children with ADHD:  inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.

Let's start with inattention.

Often has a hard time paying attention, daydreams. - Um...not Kaleb.

Is easily distracted from work or play. - Again, no.

Often does not seem to care about details, make careless mistakes. - No.

Is disorganized.  - Ha ha ha ha - he's the most organized kid I know and our house would fall apart without his OCD tendencies.  His room is ALWAYS clean and his desk at school always organized.

Frequently loses a lot of important things.  - No, that's Abbey.

Frequently avoids doing things that require ongoing mental effort - Absolutely not.  Video games anyone?

Next, there is hyperactivity.

Is in constant motion, as if "driven by a motor". - I don't think so.

Cannot stay seated. - Not a problem.

Frequently squirms or fidgets.  - No, that's his father.

Talks too much. - Only when he's had too much caffeine.

Often runs, jumps, and climbs when this is not permitted.  #1.  He's a boy.  #2.  It's not "often".

Cannot play quietly. - Incorrect.

And lastly, impulsivity.  This is the only one that he has SOME inclinations to.

Frequently acts and speaks without speaking.  - Again, Abbey comes to mind.

May run into the street without looking for traffic first. - NO.

Frequently has trouble taking turns. - Not unless he's just in a bad mood and just trying to aggravate his sisters.

Cannot wait for things. - He CAN.  He doesn't LIKE to, but he can.

Often calls out answers before the question is complete.  Nope, I don't think so.

Frequently interrupts others. - I'll give him this one.

So, how can I tell if my child has ADHD?  Intuition.  :-)

It is interesting that kids can have JUST the inattentive part (ADD), or a combination of hyperactive/impulsive, or a combination of all three.  But it doesn't seem that they can be classified as ADHD just based off of impulsivity.

Anyway...we have an appointment to go back to see the psychiatrist in two weeks, and also an appointment to see a child therapist in 3 weeks.  The psychiatrist gave me a form for Kaleb's teacher and other specials teachers (art, music, P.E.) to fill out so I'll take those back in two weeks also.  But I go back to my intuition, combined with the fact that he fits so few of the symptoms.  I do not believe that Kaleb has ADHD.

Sewing project gone awry...part 2

Now that I've shown you the quilt I completed (finally) for Abbey's 9th birthday, let's talk about how I ruined her 9th birthday by spending the evening in the emergency room.

Before I do that, let me introduce you to...Ken.  His full name is Kenmore Elite 9600 Ergo 3 Quilting and Embroidery Machine.  Thus...we shall call him Ken for short.

In the ten years since I bought this machine, I have yet to have a sewing injury of any kind.  Until last night. Last night was a unique experience, to say the least.  I had finished Abbey's quilt, which you saw in my previous post.  I had finished a cape to go with her "superhero/princess" costume for Halloween and was in the process of stitching together a letter "A" to go on the back of the cape.

I had intentionally put the needle down to secure the fabric, but also allow the fabric to turn, so I could continue stitching.  So I am focusing on positioning the material exactly where I want it, nowhere near ready to begin stitching again.  My foot had other plans that I was completely unaware of.  In case you are not familiar with sewing or sewing machines, there is usually a machine and then a pedal that controls the needle (i.e. making it go up and down).  You press down on the pedal, and hold it down and the stitching will continue.  My pedal looks like this, and happened to be under the table while I was lining up where I wanted the material to go.

This next picture shows you where the quilting needle goes on the machine.  Just so you get an idea of you're looking at, as I explain what happened next.

There is currently no needle in the machine.  You see, the needle that WAS in the machine is now in 3 pieces.  If you haven't already heard the story, perhaps you are getting a sense of where I am headed with this.

I had my fingers down under the "foot" that guides the fabric and not completely realizing what I was doing, I instinctively pressed my ACTUAL foot down on the pedal and the needle began moving up and down.  WHILE MY FINGER WAS POSITIONED DIRECTLY UNDERNEATH IT.  The needle entered through my fingernail, hit the bone in my finger and broke into three pieces.  One piece remained in the machine, I found another 1 inch long piece on the table and looked down to realize that the other 1/4 to 1/2 of an inch of the needle was embedded into my fingernail.  Prepare to cringe.

I warned you.

I was home by myself with the kids.  It was around 5:30pm.  Kris hadn't arrived from work yet and somehow, despite how I would have reacted if this had happened to one of the kids, I remained calm.  The kids obviously knew something was wrong - I was in pain after all. But I wasn't crying or anything.  I think I was in shock.  The first thing I tried to do was pull my finger away from the machine.  The thread was still attached so, with shaking hands, I cut the thread to free myself from the machine.  The second thing I did was turn my finger over to see if the needle had gone all the way through my finger.  It hadn't.  I realized later that had the needle gone all the way through my finger, my finger would actually have just been stuck in the machine and I would have been completely helpless.  So, it could have been worse.  The kids were all concerned and I remained calm, telling them that I was fine and that I just had part of the needle stuck in my finger.

I walked outside to call Kris, because I didn't want to scare the kids.  I said "Where are you?"  He indicated he was at 70 and 170 (which is about 12 minutes from our house).  I said "OK.  I think I need to go to the ER.  I have part of a needle stuck in my finger."  He indicated he would be home as soon as possible.  I went back in the house to make sure I was presentable.  One has to at least look decent and put a bra on to go to the ER.  What?  I hadn't planned to get back out that night!  Katherine tried to put my hair in a pony tail for me, but I wound up managing to do it myself and it at least looked halfway decent.  All the kids were waiting in the van when Kris got home.  I had collected all the pieces of the needle that weren't in my finger and put them in a bag to take to the ER, in case they needed to gauge how much of the needle was still in my finger.

Abbey had started crying at some point during all of the hustle and bustle of getting ready to go.  I told her that I was sorry I was ruining her birthday.  She explained that she wasn't crying because of that.  She said "I'm just scared they won't be able to get it out of your finger."  I calmly explained that they would definitely get it out and that is why we were going to the hospital, because they could get it out easier than I could.  She decided she wanted to stay with me the whole time, so when Kris got me to the ER, she went in with me while Kris and the kids parked and walked in.

Immediately, I became the star patient.  Not that I got super fast treatment, though overall the ER visit was surprisingly fast.  Apparently, while I am sure they see crazy things every day, it isn't every day that someone walks in with a quilting needle solidly embedded in their fingernail.  Three different intake/triage people took a look at my finger.  The lady who did the registration took a good long look, I think just to see it, as all she was there to do was to take down my name and info.

Cindy arrived shortly after and took the kids with her. Abbey went from wanting to stay with me to wanting to get Chinese with Grandma, so Kris and I were alone when they took me back to a room.  Immediately two of the nurses came in, just to look at my finger.  I heard them say "Rick (not his actual name cause I can't remember it) called this one.  He loves this kind of stuff!"  So, before I even got back there, someone had already "claimed" my case.  Said Dr. Rick came in and explained that they would numb my finger, remove the needle and then xray the finger to make sure that the bone wasn't fractured.

When all was said and done, THIS is what they removed from my fingernail.

Yes, the thread was still in the needle.  The eye of the needle was actually embedded below my nail.  You couldn't see the eye of the needle, though you could actually pull on the thread and move it back and forth.

When all was said and done, it didn't look so bad, though.  They told me to expect bruising and swelling, and sent me home with pain meds, but honestly, it feels just fine.  A little pain from time to time but overall, I barely feel it.  I was very fortunate.  My arm hurts worse from the tetanus shot I had to have!

So...there it is.  The whole story on HOW I drove a needle through my finger.  It was quite the exciting day.  You can laugh if you want.  Now that it doesn't feel like someone is constantly pounding a hammer down on my finger, it is pretty amusing.  So there's the story on the lengths I go to in order to ruin my childrens' birthdays.

Sewing project gone awry...part 1

First of all...wow...it's been a long time since I wrote.  Now I'm typing with a maimed finger, which I will tell you about shortly.

It all started just over three years ago...

Don't worry-I'll try to keep the three years brief!  ;-)

Abbey's birthday is October 17th.  I began a quilt for her just before she turned 6.  After finishing the top, and not in time for her birthday, in late October I began experiencing the first neck pain...what would end up being over 3 years of daily neck/back/shoulder pain.  So, I never got around to finishing her quilt.  Every now and then on a good day, I would make a little progress.  But I could never sew for more than an hour or so, and then I had to pay the price with an increase in pain.

But I am happy to report that on Friday, October 14, 2011, I FINALLY finished her quilt!  Just in time for her 9th birthday!

She loves it, of course.  It was only 3 years in the making!  Little did I know what would happen, just a few short days later...part 2 coming soon.

It could only be from Abbey

Dear, God I feel like none people love me.  Pelse help me feel loved and it's like when I get hurt I get in trouble.  I need your help God.  Thank you for everything and everyone.  Pelse forgive me for my sins.

I love you and I know you love me too.  you the greatest and goodest.  Thank you for letting your one and onely son die for our sins.  Thank you for pinky and all the things I got at the garge sale and things you made.  In Jesus's name.

---

I love her.  It breaks my heart that she feels like no one loves her sometimes, and yet I understand at the same time.  But then she changes tones in the letter.  And she focuses on thanking God and she is just such an amazing little girl.  I love her so much.

Just let me get to Switchfoot already!

Road trip! A short way of saying "Jamie's gonna blog!"

And the fun begins...

We went to the gas station to fill up and noticed that the on ramp to 170 was closed. So...we decided to turn around and take 270.  Guess what?!?  270 was closed too!

Not to be deterred, we drive down to Lindberg, along with everyone else in the area apparently. Because it was backed up, we figured our best bet was to go down to Howdershell and take that around to 270.

I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but before we got all the way down to Howdershell, the road was blocked. For a parade!! Are you kidding me?  And it wasn't just part of the parade. It was the BEGINNING of the parade!!

Never a full moment. This should be an interesting 4 hour drive. And we haven't even dropped the kids off yet!!

Vice Verses

My all time, hands down favorite band is Switchfoot.  They are everything I could want in a band and more.  Their lyrics never fail to speak to my heart.  Their new album just came out.  It's called Vice Verses.  Kris and I made plans a couple months ago to see them live with Anberlin in Illinois on October 1.  With our tickets we got the new album, a t-shirt, some lithograph something that I won't pretend to know what it is, as well as early entry into the venue.  We got the CDs yesterday and I have been listening to this album over and over again.  So many songs on this particular album seem to speak to me, where I am.  Right now.  Presently.  In my life, spiritually.  One in particular, called Thrive, has been on repeat more than the others.  I just wanted to share the lyrics and the song with you today.

Here is a live version that was posted on YouTube.  The lyrics will follow.



Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I am a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright

I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up

I want to thrive not just survive
Thrive

Lazy Sunday

It's Sunday morning.  We have an hour before we need to be at church, so I'm just enjoying some time being lazy while the kids watch some lame kids' show on Netflix.  I took away all electronics (again) except TV.  They drive me crazy always wanting to play the Wii, or Playstation, or computer.  I'm about to get on another kick where they are deprived for an entire week, because I am so tired of hearing someone ask every other second if they can play on the computer or other device.

I made this really simple and delicious recipe in the crock pot yesterday.  All you have to do is take one can of cream of mushroom soup, cream of celery, and cream of chicken and combine it with 1-2 cups instant rice.  Then you put 4-6 chicken breasts on top and cook it for 3-4 hours on high.  It was great!  Though the rice/soup mixture reminded me more of stuffing.  But I didn't mind that.  I thought it was really good.  I sprinkled some lemon pepper on the chicken just to add a little extra flavor and next time, will probably sprinkle some salt on too...but it would've been good without that too.  It sure was a lot easier than stuffed chicken, and tasted VERY similar.  So if you're looking for a quick and simple (and GOOD) crock pot meal...there you go.  You're welcome.

Kris and I played in a Bridge 199er tournament yesterday.  That simply means that everyone we played against had under 199 Master Points.  Kris and I, until yesterday, had 2 WHOLE Master Points.  But, we played REALLY well yesterday, and scored in first place in all three flights, in our section.  We wound up earning 1.14 Master Points.  That's a pretty large amount to earn at one time.  I am sure it doesn't seem like much to you...but we were thrilled!  I still don't understand why people are so intimidated by the game.  Jennifer, I'm talking to you.  We're just alike.  You would LIKE the game, perhaps even LOVE the game, if you would let me teach you how to play!!!

I wanted to thank everyone who has called/emailed the city of Eureka to try to help put the crosses back. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can check it out here and help out.

Something a little lighter

I realize that my last few posts have been pretty...heavy.  It's been a LONG, draining week!  So I thought that today, just for fun, I would rant again...but this time on a much more light-hearted topic.

Max and Ruby.

Let's talk about that show.  I already have issues with Caillou.  Who wouldn't? I came across an old blog post, back from when I was a stay at home mom, when Livvy was just an infant.  During that time, Abbey and I watched a LOT of Max and Ruby.  That show always disturbed me.

For those of you who do not know, Max and Ruby is a cartoon that comes on Nick Jr.  Abbey used to love this show. I have always wondered why she doesn't listen and why she does exactly what I tell her not to do. I am beginning to wonder if this little kids' cartoon might not have something to do with it.

Ok. Ruby is the older rabbit. She is sister to Max, the younger (obviously) brother. They live together in a house, alone. I'm not sure what happened to their parents, but their grandmother does live just down the road and checks in on them from time to time--I've only heard of or seen her in maybe 2 episodes.

Let me give you an example of what this is teaching today's children.

One episode in particular made me just sort of shake my head. Max was trying to get into the refrigerator to get a snack but Ruby came up to him and said "It's time for a bath Max." So they go up and Ruby helps get Max in the tub. While she goes out of the room to go and get towels, Max goes downstairs and gets some sherbet out of the fridge. He takes it back up and into the bath and dumps it into the water. Ruby comes back in and says "Oh Max"--that is her typical phrase, used many times in each episode. She lets the water out and puts clean water back in. She tells Max to stay in and she leaves again to go and do something. Max, of course gets back up and goes back and gets a different color of sherbet this time, but before he can get in the bathtub with it, Ruby stops him and sets it down on a stool near the tub. Then, (doesn't she seem a little stupid by now??) she leaves the room AGAIN! Max, of course, gets the sherbet and starts playing with it in the tub. It spills and the water instantly changes color. So this continues...maybe 2 or three more times....why Ruby doesn't just stay in the bathroom the entire time and just bathe Max I don't know! But that was it. There was no lesson at the end, or if there was I missed it. Max just kept doing what he was not supposed to and Ruby kept saying "Oh Max." Max also always has some key word that he uses all the time and that's all he says. I don't remember what the word was in this one...probably "snack" or "food" or something like that. This show teaches NOTHING to our children, and let's face it.  It's more annoying than entertaining.

Are you kidding me?

If you are familiar with my blog, or the Huckaba family, you know that they are dear to my heart.  If you have no clue what I am talking about, 6 years ago on July 28th, five people died in a horrific car accident on Interstate 44, in Eureka, MO near Six Flags.  Angi Huckaba, two of her sons (Jacob and Josh), as well as Angi's sister and brother, in a van on their way to Six Flags were rear-ended and killed.  I've written about it before.  Angi was a friend of mine and both Katherine and I had the blessing of talking to her on the phone the day before she died.  I think back to that day Kris told me what had happened and still remember the shock and the disbelief.  I think often about Shawn (Angi's husband) and Alex, their oldest son, both of whom survived and have managed to somehow press on through these last six years.  I can't drive past the funeral home in St. Charles without a heart full of sadness and I can't drive past that section of I-44 in Eureka without looking at the 5 crosses in front of Steak 'n Shake that mark the spot where they lost their lives.  Several times I have stopped and just stood there, in front of the crosses, remembering Angi and her boys.  Touched the crosses, as if I can somehow find a trace of their lives still lingering there.

Yesterday, Shawn discovered that the crosses were missing.  No one seemed to know why.  Until today.  Until Shawn got a letter from the city of Eureka.  I did get his permission to share this letter here and after you are done reading it, I am asking you, pleading with you, if you know this family or live in the area, PLEASE take some sort of action to contact the city of Eureka.  It is outrageous, what they are saying in the letter, and why they removed the crosses.  It was heartless and in my opinion, just plain WRONG.  This is the letter he received:


Mr. Huckaba:

The City has received a number of complaints regarding the crosses (mostly verbal, with a few in writing). The issues raised varied, including questioning the appropriateness of them being there and that they are distracting drivers. While there are likely many opinions regarding their appropriateness, having been placed on notice by numerous parties that the crosses are potentially causing drivers to be distracted while viewing them, the Board of Aldermen directed that they be removed. It would certainly be both tragic and ironic for there to be a traffic accident as a result of that which was erected following a traffic accident. The section of I-44 that was dedicated in honor of your family will of course remain as a memorial. We have retained the crosses, and will keep them for 30 days if you are interested in retrieving them. They are in a small wooden fenced area at the southwest corner of our building. You are welcome to retrieve them whenever you wish, including after business hours.

Regards,
Craig
__________________________________________________________

Craig E. Sabo
City Administrator
City of Eureka
100 City Hall Drive
P.O. Box 125
Eureka, MO 63025-0125
636-938-5233
636-938-4080 (FAX)
cesabo@eureka.mo.us


Are you kidding me????  First of all...it's absurd.  The crosses, a distraction?  Maybe.  But not a BAD one.  A distraction that screams for people to SLOW DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION BEHIND THE WHEEL!  An entire family was lost that day and to remove the crosses because there have been some complaints is stupid at best, in comparison with what happened that day.

BEYOND THAT...I can't get over the wording in that letter.  The part that said "It would certainly be both tragic and ironic for there to be a traffic accident as a result of that which was erected following a traffic accident."  What happened that day was MORE than just a "traffic accident".  And the inclusion of that statement is any number of things.  Insensitive.  Ignorant.  Ridiculous.  I'm infuriated!  How many traffic accidents were there on that section of the highway BEFORE 7/28/05?  I am uncertain of the number, but I remember reading the articles about all the accidents on that section of I-44 before that day.  Enough that they lowered the speed limit through that area.  Enough to draw the attention of the news and changes to be made.  I have not heard of an accident happening in that area in the last six years.  That is not to say that there haven't been any, but that raises a question in my mind.  HAVE there been any traffic "accidents" in that area in the last six years, and furthermore, have they resulted in the loss of FIVE YOUNG LIVES??

Shawn indicated that the dedication of that section of the highway was also done by MODOT, and NOT the City of Eureka.  So they (the city and/or its representatives) have no right to act as if they had something to do with it.  As if they were responsible for that act, and that it should be sufficient enough to smooth things over and make it acceptable for the crosses to be removed.  Do they think that six years is enough time for family and friends to grieve over the losses?  There is no time limit on grief.  A part of me will always mourn the loss of their lives.  And I'm not even a close relative, and it's no secret that I had gone months without talking to Angi before she called me the day before she died.  So imagine what those even closer to the situation must be thinking, feeling, and grieving.

Those crosses need to be put back.  It is a reminder to me personally of how short life can be.  Of how in the blink of an eye, you could lose everything.  We are not guaranteed another moment on this earth.  We are not promised another breath.  And those crosses are a somber reminder of not only the lives lost that day, but also that life is too short.  Too short to hold grudges.  Too short to treat people as if they don't matter.  Too short to think that you'll have that chance, someday, to say goodbye or make amends.

I intend to do whatever I can to help ensure that those crosses are replaced.  I am begging any of you who read this, or know and care about the Huckabas, or who want to help to PLEASE write or call the City of Eureka demanding that the crosses be put back where they rightfully belong!

I am not one to get up on a soap box (most of the time) but this is way too close to my heart and I refuse to sit by and watch it happen.  It might be easy for someone who didn't know how amazing this family was, and how incredible the remaining family members ARE to think that the crosses may be inappropriate.  They didn't have to live through the hell of the last six years that Angi's husband, son, parents, and other family and friends have experienced.  But if anything, those crosses, beyond being a way to honor and remember the lives lost that day, have likely saved other lives in the last 6 years because of their presence and that is what I intend to tell the City of Eureka.

Refreshed

Writing is cathartic.  I know that for some people, writing is something foreign, or scary, or unimaginable.  I don't think I could have survived these last 8 years without writing.  I first began blogging in March of 2004.  Kris and I had been married five years and it became my outlet.  My way of dealing with what was a very crazy, chaotic and sometimes downright horrible time in my life.  I had been married for almost five years.  My children were 3, 2, and 1.  Have you ever had children that were 3, 2, and 1?  I wouldn't recommend it.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my kids.  With this desperation that is beyond my understanding.  HOWEVER...having that many children, that close together, almost guarantees a mental and emotional meltdown.  Or mistakes.  At the time that I started writing, I was very in tune with God and his leading in my life and was actively reading the Bible and writing about what I read.

Over that year, my blog began to change, along with my own change.  Little did I know that four months into blogging my life itself would change in a dramatic way and I would push God to the back burner and make choices that have forever changed my life and shaped me into the woman that I am today.  There are things that I have done, choices I made that threatened my heart, my marriage, my relationship with God, my family.  On July 23, 2004 I wrote the following:

"Life has just been passing me by.  I get through day to day, not really sure how.  But I make it through.  To say I've been unhappy lately would be an understatement.  I've always heard that years 5-7 really can take a toll on marriages...guess we are finding that out."


As I am looking back through my old posts, one thing in particular stands out to me.  MAN I WAS BORING!  And then I stumbled upon this post, to close out the year of 2004 (which was also the same year that Kaleb began to manifest some disturbing behaviors for a 3 year old):


"I'm so glad Christmas is over and that this year is almost over. It sure has been chaotic, to say the least. Last week was filled with enough drama and trouble than we've had in a long time. In one week, we had a miscarriage, I got laryngitis and Abbey broke her collarbone (this was Christmas eve too). It has to get better, right? I feel like I am just floating through waiting for the storms to pass. Will they? I'm not so sure I want to start a new year. New years come with new problems and I've had enough to last me for quite some time."

I was a mess back then, to say the least.  As you can see above, I had a miscarriage that Christmas, and then by the end of February, I was pregnant again (pregnancy #5 - our dear Olivia), my stomach bearing the bruises that come along with having a little unknown blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden, which requires 2 shots each day in the stomach, to prevent blood clots while pregnant.


I'm looking back over this and not really sure why I am sharing all of this.  Perhaps it's because I have a lot of "new" readers and some of you don't know much of what I am sharing here.  Also, I tend to just write what I am thinking, so apparently this is what I am thinking about at the moment. 


I think I started writing all of that to come back to this verse that came into my head this morning, as I thought through yesterday and the emails and how heavy my heart was last night.  Psalm 30:5 (NLT) "For his anger lasts only a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."  I definitely found that to be true this morning!  

Living with regret

I'm really struggling tonight.  And let me just preface this with saying that I don't need a diagnosis.  I am not looking for a "you're good enough" or "it's OK" or anything like that.  I just need to "talk" tonight.  I need to get this off my heart.

When you have done something wrong, and you never have a chance to make amends, you carry that with you.  At least, crazy people like me do.  I'm the queen of guilt.  I STILL feel guilty about decisions I made when I was 15 years old, even though the two relationships that were fractured at that time have been rekindled and are very much a part of my life now.  I will always wish that I could have done it differently.  Said something differently.  But am grateful that God gave me another chance with both of those relationships, when I deserved nothing better than for them to write me off completely.  But like most people, all three of us grew up and matured and realized that life was too precious and too short to harbor resentment and hurt for years.  I am truly blessed that Joey and Amanda are both back in my life and my heart swells with gratitude when I think about them, and it is just enough to keep me from bringing the guilt back in.  Guilt that doesn't belong because I was young and stupid, and knew absolutely NOTHING really about God and the Bible and what it really means to have a relationship with Jesus.  Back then it was "this is what the Bible says and that is how it is and if you don't follow the Bible then you're wrong".  Man did I grow up quickly through that time in my life!

And yet, I'm still an idiot.  And we all know how I feel about idiots.

The older I get, the more I realize how stupid people are when they are young.

You know, when you become a mother, it is only then that you realize more about your own mother and childhood and finally begin to understand what your own mother went through.  I know this has been true for my life and how I viewed my childhood then, vs. the truth that I see from it now.  It's only in retrospect that you can understand.

And oftentimes when you make a mistake that causes pain to someone else, it isn't as if you can just wave a wand and make the hurt disappear.  Sometimes you don't even realize the amount of pain you have caused another person.  And I have done my share of causing pain.  And I carry guilt with me like a heavy burden.  Yes, I know what the Bible says about that.  I know that I don't HAVE to carry that guilt.  But I do it anyway.  I fee like I deserve to feel that guilt and I allow myself to feel it, because I am messed up and think that I NEED to feel that in order to somehow pay penance for my mistakes.

Back in college, I knew absolutely nothing.  About life.  About what real Christianity was about, for myself...about a real relationship with God.  About friendships.  About men.  I grew up believing that I would never been pretty enough, never be smart enough, never be good enough for any man to ever love me.  I'm now 32 years old and STILL battle those same beliefs, even though Kris has been by my side when other men would have left years ago.  I can recognize now that those come from the enemy and myself, but it doesn't change the fact that I believe them.  I didn't date in high school.  I had a casual boyfriend here or there (maybe 4 or 5 all told).  But never really went on a "real" date, except once.  Before a school dance.

Boys scared me.  Not for any reason beyond the fact that I was so insecure about myself and how to interact with them.  Kissing a boy terrified me!  I kid you not.  I used to pray that God would show me who the right guy was for me...by bringing a guy into my life that I wasn't scared to kiss.  I am sure it sounds ridiculous, and perhaps it was.  But I was an insecure, teenage girl who didn't believe anyone could ever want to kiss me to begin with!

And I carried that with me to college.  And for the first time in my life, during my freshman year of college, boys seemed to notice me.  Not many.  But a handful.  And it was overwhelming, to say the least.  I couldn't comprehend why in the world someone would be interested in ME.  Remember...I had the thought that I would never be wanted, so this was very new to me.

For my birthday, in 1998, three friends took me out to dinner.  One of them paid for my dinner, bought me long stem roses, accompanied by a poem, then took me to see a movie, which he also paid for. I got my first real taste of what a REAL date was, and understood that someone was interested in me.  Here was the problem.  I didn't want to date anyone at that time.  I was getting over being hurt by another guy, and certainly not ready to invest more emotional energy into a relationship.  And here was this man, treating me like every woman should be treated.  And it wasn't that I wasn't grateful.  What he did for me I actually carried with me and never really thanked him for.

In fact, I made matters worse by writing him a letter, telling him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, instead of having a face to face conversation, which was, at the very LEAST, what he deserved.  He deserved a lot better than that.  But I was 18, and an idiot.  And nothing I say or do can change that.  I was still learning about a relationship with God and what he was "calling" me to.  So two weeks later when Kris came along, wanting to date me, and I suddenly found myself wanting the same thing and feeling like this was God's leading, I moved on.  Because I was young and naive, it didn't even occur to me that I had really hurt this other guy.  That I had never thanked him for treating me with such kindness and generosity.  I felt bad that I told him I didn't want a relationship, then suddenly two weeks later I changed my mind.  I know how it looked to him.  I knew it then.  I knew it looked like I was just brushing him off.  Saying that is not true doesn't change how it appeared.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because my heart hurts.  Because I spent most of the night sobbing (when I wasn't working), feeling horrible about how I treated him.  In retrospect, I know what I should have done.  I know that he deserved better.  I know that he is happily married now, as am I.  And that it shouldn't still weigh on me like it does.  But the truth is, it does.  Not the fact that I didn't pursue a relationship with him.  The fact that he deserved better than how I treated him.  It's been 14 years.  How am I still feeling so much pain over this?  If you didn't know before now that I'm messed up, here's your introduction to the real me.

I don't like when I've done something that has hurt someone else, especially when they are so angry that I can't do anything to make it better.  Nothing I say or do will change anything.  And I guess that I am just hoping that by getting it out I can figure out a way to move on and stop carrying that guilt with me.  Because I have finally been given an opportunity to apologize, and what he chooses to do with that is beyond my control.  I am going to have to accept that he may think I am just full of hot air and may always see me as I know I see myself for how I treated him.

This isn't a good place for me to be...these types of scenarios are triggers for me, and the last thing I need right now is a trigger to that downward spiral.  I have got to find a way to move past this and accept that I may never be forgiven by him and that it is OK.  I can't allow myself to be consumed by it and allow it to control my emotions and my mental state of mind, which let's face it...isn't too great right now considering where we are at financially, with our jobs, the kids, etc...

I just needed to get that out.

People will be people

Sometimes I just don't understand people.  Especially people that don't think the same way that I do.  Which is most people.  Because most people aren't as jaded and cynical as I am.  Most people aren't pessimistic about almost every aspect of life!  There are people I DO understand though.  Jennifer Y.  My identical twin.  We can literally think on the same wave length, MOST of the time.  We have been able to support one another through some tough times and celebrate joys together.  And we haven't known each other for years and years, and I look forward to growing old with her-in a totally heterosexual way, of course!  She's my bosom friend.  As I have said before, we are Anne and Dianna.  And I think we always will be.  And I love everything about Jennifer and our friendship.

My other forever friend is Natalia, who keeps reminding me that I promised to put her in my blog!!!  Natalia, this portion is for you!  I love you!  I love your carefree spirit.  Your kind heart.  Your love for your family.  I love how you make me laugh and you bring out the "crazy" in me.  Or at least, make me think about letting the crazy out and you make me go OUT when I just want to take my muscle relaxer and go to sleep.  That night we went out was one of my favorite nights, so thank you!  I'm SO glad I met you this summer, at that conference we went to for our night jobs, which are NOT as prostitutes, I'd like to keep emphasizing.  I love having your support in my business and life and I think you're pretty awesome!  Happy now?  And all of that was straight from my heart!!  Truly...I'm so glad we met.

And then...there are other people.  I'm not going to get into the home school/public school debate again.  But most of you remember all of that drama...

This time...it's about what makes you a good mother.  What makes you BETTER than other mothers.  There is an easy answer.  NOTHING!  Nothing makes one mother better than another. Sure...there are the crazies...the Susan Smiths who can't cope with their lives any longer, and their children suffer and die at their hands.

However...when we're talking about parenting in general, I think that it is completely unfair to look at yourself or your life situation and think that you have it harder than anyone else in the world.  Simply based off of your spouse's job.

Let me back up.  I reconnected recently with a friend on Facebook.  It's what we do these days.  I simply wanted to wish this person well, congratulate him on his beautiful wife and daughters.  I gave him a brief update of Kris and the kids and made a general statement that marriage and raising children was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but has been very rewarding.

And suddenly, I'm staring down the barrel of a military wife's rifle.  At first, I tried to keep my wits about me.  I tried not to get indignant and to not take it personally.  Because my dear friend Jennifer is a military wife, and would tell me if I was just overreacting without hesitation, I shared the dialogue with her and she agreed with me that the reaction I got was a little...unwarranted.  Now, keep in mind that all I wanted to do was tell her husband hi and congratulations!

This is what I said:

"Marriage and raising kids is about the hardest thing(s) I've ever done...but I wouldn't trade it for anything, especially the kids! I'm glad you are doing well and thrilled to hear about your wife and your family! And you're in the military? Did I read that correctly?"


This is her response:

"The hardest thing I have ever done is giving up my husband for the country he loves. I sit home alone and raise two kids alone so he can save lives. Being a normal wife and mother is EASY I think. My kids go with out there dad a lot for holidays and birthdays and school plays. I think people who bitch about there life being hard should come walk a mile in my shoes u will see hard. This life is not an easy life or a life style for everyone."

It took me some time to formulate a response that was kind and not defensive.  I responded with this:

" I know that I am NOT a woman who could be strong enough (or selfless enough, cause I'm extremely selfish) to be a military wife/mom. I admire those that can. Though I am not sure anyone is a "normal" wife/mom and we all face hardships that can seem devastating to us even if they don't appear to be to those who give their husbands up to serve this country."

And I was going to leave it there.  I wasn't sure if she would respond or not, but I wanted to let her know that I completely respected what she has to endure and that there is no way I would be able to be a military wife - that's the one area where Jennifer and I differ.  She's awesome at it.  I would HATE it.  I really am very selfish and I would struggle to raise our four children on my own, as several hours alone with the Little Bishops can terrify me sometimes!  I know that when you are in a position where you are the only one, you do what you have to do, and so I would get through it.  But I can tell you this...if I were a military wife, I certainly would NEVER, EVER imply to any other mother that I was BETTER than her or that my life was HARDER because I raised my kids alone and could at any moment lose my husband as he was off at war. Any of us could lose our husband and while dying for your country is an extremely honorable way to die, it is no less devastating to lose a spouse in another way.

So many thoughts spinning through my head - I'm trying to decide which one to express first.  I think that the men (and women) who serve our country are amazing and words cannot express my gratitude to those who put their lives on the line to secure my freedom, and freedom for my family.  Please understand that I have the utmost respect for those who serve in the military.

That being said, I also have a high respect for single moms, or single dads.  Whether their spouses have chosen to leave them alone, or whether death has pulled them away from their families.  The way that they have to juggle life and finances...in addition to dealing with that kind of loss...I cannot fathom it.

And then there are those parents who have lost a child.  No parent should have to lose a child.  EVER.  Whether via miscarriage, never having the chance to meet their unborn child (like Kris and I experienced almost 7 years ago) or after the child has been born, due to cancer or other diseases/accidents.  Shawn Huckaba, losing his wife and two youngest sons in a horrific car accident 6 years ago...HE has had a hard life.  If you ask me, HIS life has been harder than a military mom any day...but you didn't ask me, so I'm just going to keep my opinion to myself!

Does the military wife and mother still "WIN" after those scenarios?  Is her life still harder?  I never once thought my life was harder than hers, or implied that it was.  But Kris and I have had hardships in our life and our marriage and I know how very blessed I am that Livvy's health problems are so incredibly minor compared to what other parents have to endure.  I JUST WANTED TO TELL AN OLD FRIEND HELLO!!

So, all that being said...

There were two other comments that were made AFTER my non-confrontational response.  One from the wife and one from a friend of hers, also a military wife.  They are as follows:

"Nothing is more Devastating then the unknown well being of your spouse at war. I don't wanna hear oh well blah blah about your "normal" shit i am telling u as some one who has been a "normal" mom/wife nothing is harder then being a military spouse. sure u have may have hardship but nothing like mine."

and...the friend...

"I totaly agree with you (*name has been removed out of respect*)! The toughest job is being a military wife and mother. WE are the ones who deal with EVERYTHING from the kids to the car. We can't always depend on our spouse like most people. When (*name change again*) was deployed, everything and anything went wrong...I had to deal with it! I couldn't call Iraq and say, "could you send my hubby home or can you put him on the phone?" WE ARE THE STRONGEST WOMEN/MOTHERS! I would like to see any normal spouse walk a mile in our shoes!"

I showed all of this to Kris and told him that looking back on the last 12 years of our marriage and some of the things we have gone through personally, as a couple and with our four children and losing a fifth baby, that I WOULD like to trade one of them places, if they want to see how easy my life is.  You guys don't know the details of my marriage and the ins and outs of things that we have gone through and dealt with.  I share some here...more to do with the kids...and some would say I share more than I should.  But like with every relationship...it's that whole "If you only knew..."

I don't know.  It made me want to cry.  Being judged like that.  Being told that I was "bitching" (sorry, her words, not mine) about how hard my life was and how much harder her life is because she is married to a man in the military.  Why do people do that? Why are people like that?  I just don't understand it.  I keep talking to Kris about it (who very often is my filter, because let's face it-I need it sometimes!) and he just said "You didn't say anything that was out of line."  And I said "I KNOW!"  And if Kris thinks I was not inappropriate, you can pretty much know that I was not.

I really hope that I have not offended ANYONE who is in the military or married to someone in the military (or anyone else).  I respect you.  I truly do.  But it is wrong for anyone to tell me that what I go through on a day to day basis is EASY compared to what they go through.  No one knows exactly what my life is like.  No one knows what people go through minute by minute.  I just cannot imagine taking that attitude or having that mindset towards ANYONE.  I don't think that my life is harder than those who live a military lifestyle.  And I don't think it's easier either, because we all face our own demons and battles and struggles.  Like my dear friend Jennifer (military wife and mother) said, "Their job of being a wife and mother is not more difficult than anyone else's, just different."  She had some other comforting words too that I love her dearly for but will keep us both out of trouble by not sharing!

*sigh* - that's it...I just needed to get it out...

A story from Katherine

Katherine is SO much like me. Sometimes it is scary.  Other times, it's pretty awesome.  She's witty and sarcastic, and most of the time, I love this about her.   She also loves to laugh about the funny things that Abbey or Olivia say and do.  As soon as she got in the van today after school, she said "I need to write down what Olivia did today before I forget."  I said "Write it down now and then tell me about it, so you don't forget."

When we got home, after finishing her "story" on paper, Katherine handed a paper to me, detailing an encounter she had at school today with Olivia.  The following is Katherine's story.

Today, the kindergartners were running and my class had to help them and make sure they didn't cut through the middle of the soccer field.  I was running with Olivia.  The first lap when we were just walking, we only ran about a quarter of the field when Olivia asked "Why can't we just go that way?" and pointed to the middle of the field where she would've cut through.  Then when we got a little bit further she picked up a feather.  I told her it could have rabies and make her sick.  When she refused, I snatched it out of her hand and threw it on the ground.  Then she ran back and picked it up.  I told her again that it could have diseases and snatched it away from her again.  She gave up and said, "Aww...it reminded me of a blue butterfly" when it was a grey and white feather.  We walked a little more and she said her legs hurt.  Then she saw some boys coming and said "Ahh!  Boys!  Run!" and started running.

---

Things I find amusing:

Olivia wanted to cut through the very soccer field the fifth graders were trying to prevent them from cutting through.
The feather that reminded Olivia of a blue butterfly was really just a grey and white feather.
Olivia said her legs hurt - she ALWAYS says this whenever we go more than, oh, 10 feet.
That Katherine remembered and wrote down this story for me, because she knew how much I would love it.

Moving On

FIRST AND FOREMOST, I'd like to say Happy Birthday to my mom.  I think she is 39 today.  Or was it 37?  I can never remember.  Love you mom!

I finished Something Borrowed two days ago.  Essentially, I read it in 2.5 days.  Suffice it to say, I liked it.  It was well-written, funny, heartwarming, romantic but not mushy.  It was a great book.  It was a bit of a surprise to me to find that there is another book, called Something Blue, that includes some of the same characters from Something Borrowed, so I will be eager to find and read that as well.

I began Water For Elephants yesterday and am 1/4th of the way through it.  It also is well-written and the story is interesting, or I'd have trouble continuing to read it.  My friend Michelle, our local Macaroni Kid publisher, loaned me Heaven Is For Real.  While I haven't read it yet, my soon-to-be 11 year old, Katherine picked it up that day and finished it the next night!  Apparently she saw it on her teacher's desk and asked her teacher what it was about.  When she saw I had it, she said "Oh I was wanting to read that!"  I love that ALL of the kids have a passion for reading.  Kaleb is secretive about his, and if he found out that I told you this, he would adamantly refuse to read for the next year!  So don't tell him that I said he loves to read! ;-)

Going back to the title of this post, have you ever found yourself at a crossroads?  A point in your life where you know that you have to make a choice?  I'm not talking about a decision on whether you should or should not have bacon for dinner for the fifth night in a row, though that does rank pretty high for me.  I'm talking about the real heavy stuff.  Life changing decisions.  Depending on the path you choose, you won't always know for sure if you have made the right decision or not until you've chosen the direction.

For Christians, you would think that this would make the decision-making process easier.  I can assure you it does not.  Especially when the decision you have to make comes to topics like change, surrender, trust.  What if the decision is to stop holding back and surrender whatever it is that you are holding onto so tightly?  What if it is something that will physically cause you pain to let go of?  What if the consequences of making a change or choosing to trust God with ALL of you is hard?  I don't know about you, but I HATE hard.  I hate making choices that will cause pain (primarily to myself, as I am admittedly very selfish) or will leave me in emotional turmoil.  Even if you know that the end result will be worth it, it doesn't make surrendering any easier.  And when you are unsure of whether it will be worth it, it makes it even harder.

I don't know that I have ever really trusted God with ALL of me.  I'm talking about those things that shape who I am, or at least, who I THINK that I am.  I'm very insecure.  I need praise.  I am extremely self-conscious and not very confident in many areas of my life.  And I have never learned how to "go to God" for security in those things.  I have never really surrendered the things I hate about myself to God.  Some of what I am thinking about has to do with physical attributes.  Some is emotional.  I know that I have a flawed view of myself.  That I don't see myself the way that God sees me, and that I most certainly do not see myself the way that Kris may see me.  You see, even now, I can't say with certainty that I really know how Kris sees me.  He's a good, good man.  But he has trouble expressing himself.  You combine that with my need to HEAR how he feels about me, and my 32 year inability to surrender that to God and we have a problem.

This has been weighing on me a lot lately.  I'm going to a women's retreat this weekend, which is so NOT my "cup of tea".  I've been dreading it actually, ever since Kris suggested that I go; then he had the nerve to go ahead and PAY for me to go, so I had no choice.  I have a few friends that are going, which so far is my only solace.  The fact that Beth Moore is somehow involved leaves me leery.  I have issues with Beth Moore.  Not her theology. Not her books per se.  I just clash with her (i.e. she annoys me) and so I'm not fond of her studies and the like.  But I'm sucking it up and going anyway, primarily at the urging of Kris (and the fact that he paid for it) and my relentless friend Kim, who shall remain nameless.  Oops.

I don't know what the weekend will hold for me.  But I feel like I am at this crossroads where I have to choose NOW, before the retreat, whether or not I am going to surrender that part of my life that I cling to so dearly.  It may sound absurd, but something is stirring within me...and I know with certainty that a choice has to be made.  And it terrifies me.  It could change everything.  And I don't like change.  I feel like ending this here just leaves everything hanging in the balance.  But that's how I am feeling and so I think it is only appropriate.

BOOKS

Now that I am home and find myself with a little more time on my hands, I realized that I could read actual books again, along with listening to them.  Right now, while I am waiting for the last book in The Wheel of Time Series to be completed, I have started the Pendragon Cycle with Kris, by Stephen Lawhead.  These books are in the "fantasy" category - but are semi-hisotrical, and based on the legend of Arthur.

There are five books in the series:

Taliesin
Merlin
Arthur
Pendragon
Grail

*Avalon (not a true member of the cycle-more like a sequel to the series)

I finished Taliesin, and have moved on to Merlin, and am 1/3 of the way through it.  Since starting Merlin on Tuesday and realizing how much I could "listen" to, it prompted a trip to the library.

So far, I have started "Something Borrowed" (because I loved the movie and it is due back in one week, vs. two, since it's "new").  I also have Jodi Picoult's "Sing You Home" and Sara Gruen's "Water For Elephants".  We'll see if I make it through all three in the next 2 weeks.  Along with finishing Merlin.  I figure I will keep listening to Merlin while I am driving places or cleaning and read the others when I am home.

What are you currently reading?  What is your favorite book (or three) of all time?