How the years have changed me

Four years ago I started blogging. I spent some time last night and this morning reading back over things I wrote 4 years ago. And I realized something through what I read. I have changed. And I don't think it is a good thing. And lately all I can think is how apathetic I have been and how that word has the word pathetic in it, which really describes the person I have become. Spiritually speaking, my efforts to grow my relationship with God have been pathetic, if existent. Every now and then I have some clarity and make the right choices. But mostly, I don't care. And that is so sad and so frightening. What is wrong with me? I can look back and see a couple of significant things that happened in my life four years ago, and I wonder if perhaps it was those experiences that changed me, and if rather than letting them draw me closer to God I just detached myself and have been living life in the shadows of a relationship with God that I USED to experience. And I find myself bolstering up and thinking "OK. Enough is enough. I'm ready to quit fooling around and I'm ready to give control back to God." And then I find that I don't have the courage or desire to do it. I hang on to my life and keep everything to myself. And I never talk about how I am struggling spiritually for fear that someone might want to help me get back on track. Or out of fear that my life as I know it will completely be uprooted, which ultimately probably wouldn't be a bad thing. But it is scary. It's terrifying actually. And this is where I am presently.