Paranoia

I have a lot of fears and anxieties. This is not news to most people. I call myself paranoid. Kris always makes fun of me whenever I have a new 'worry'. For instance, if I have an unusual headache, I worry that there might be something else going on besides the fact that I didn't have my morning Diet Dr. Pepper. This is a bit of an exaggeration-I am just using that scenario to illustrate what I am trying to say. I've self-diagnosed myself with restless leg syndrome among other things.

What I realized tonight though is that I only do this when I don't truly beleive there is something wrong with me. For instance, I have this annoying pain in the back of my leg, behind my knee. It's been there all day-it feels almost like a pulled muscle or something similar. So what do I 'worry' that it might be? A blood clot. Now, mind you, fearing a blood clot is a very valid concern and one that I will not take lightly. I had my first blood clot 10 years ago, and based on this Factor V Leiden that I have, there is no way of predicting whether I will get another one. And I have done research on Factor V Leiden and blood clots, as it is a real concern for me. And I also know that pain in the back of your leg (behind your knee), especially when accompanied by swelling (which I DO NOT have) CAN be a sign of a clot. So, that is how I ended up writing about this, because the pain in my leg raised certain questions.

The reality is that I do not truly believe that I have a blood clot, though I am not stupid enough that I will not call my doctor if the pain does not subside. I was contemplating this, knowing that Kris thinks I am a bit of a hypochondriac, and I have to disagree with him. What I realized tonight is that I am more talk than anything. I speculate quite a bit-especially when I don't feel right-but it is only when I don't really believe anything to be wrong that I do this. When there is actually something wrong with me, I am very simply in denial that anything is wrong with me. I will insist that I am fine. Had Kris and his dad not pushed me 10 years ago to go to the doctor when my arm turned purpled and swelled up like a balloon for no apparent reason, I probably would not have gone-at least not right away.

So, what Kris and I decided tonight is that because I 'worry' that something is wrong with my leg, based on my history and paranoia when there is truly nothing serious wrong, that I must be just fine. Sounds logical, right?