Music and more

I was downstairs looking for some CDs today and came across a photo album I started on a few years ago...when I had the time and the energy to scrapbook. As I was reminiscing, I came to a page of Kaleb as a baby. I can remember each one of my girls in their newborn and toddler stage.

What I discovered tonight is that I do not remember Kaleb as a baby. I look at the pictures of him, and I don't recognize them. I don't remember them being taken. I don't remember him looking like that. What I remember is being despondent and seeing those pictures almost fills me with despair and regret. When I look at his baby pictures, I am incredibly sad that I can't remember anything but how hard it was to adjust, how he cried all the time, how I never wanted to hold him unless I had to feed him.

I don't remember ever being happy when he was a baby. I don't remember holding him and staring down at him and being overjoyed with this new life God had entrusted to me. I remember feeling cold and indifferent and so alone.

I remember that while I was pregnant with him, I spent a lot of time trying to smile and to hide the fact that I didn't want to be pregnant again so soon. I remember everyone giving us a hard time about me being pregnant again and how difficult it was to pretend to be happy about it when I was dying inside. I remember his birth. I remember just wanting to get it over with and didn't care who was there. I remember seeing him for the first time, holding him on my chest before they took him away to be cleaned and measured--and feeling nothing.

Where was the joy I had felt when Katherine was born? The same joy I would feel with the birth of Abbey and Livvy later? Where was that pride and that awe in the presence of something so profound and incredible as bringing a new life into the world? It wasn't there. What I remember about Kaleb's first year of life fills me with sorrow if I think about it too long. Not guilt...not anymore. Just intense sadness. I look at him and the struggles with him now and I wonder if it is all related. I believe that it is.

I didn't intend to start this and have it turn into such an intense glance back at my son's life. I can't dwell on it. I can't 'deal' with all the emotions that come to surface when I think back. I wish I could go back and undo it. I wish I could remember just one time in his first year of life where I felt something good. It's so sad that I can distinctly remember the first time I loved my son, and it was not until he was about 7 months old. It wasn't instant for me...like it typically is...or like we are told it is supposed to be.

A friend at work has recently introduced me to some new music. There is one song in particular that I can't get out of my head. It is by the band Decyfer Down called "Burn Back the Sun". Below is a link (and the lyrics) to this song. There is a video with the song that I don't really care for; it's the song that touches me...I love the idea of being loved with "passion's quiet rage".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKuDg8tM6PQ

"I take a walk in the bitter cold, I try to see your face, The way it used to be, The sky was never grey, There was a time when I let you in, You turned my night to day, But I turned you away

(Chorus:) Burn back the sun, Bring back the fire once Blazing inside this hollow cage Burn back the sun, You were the only one To love me with passion's quiet rage

I have tasted the apathy, It's bitter on my lips, I am not who I used to be, Betrayal with a kiss, Open arms for the prodigal, You kept the flame alive, You keep this flame alive

(Chorus) Rage, quiet rage"

7 year old Missouri boy charged with theft, forgery and fraud.

Wednesday February 4th, 2009 - St. Louis MO

Parents of Kaleb Bishop were shocked Wednesday to learn that their 7 year old son had stolen a check out of his mother's purse, filled it out and turned it in at school for a book order. The boy's mother received a phone call early Wednesday morning from Kaleb's teacher, concerned about the check he handed in, completely filled out in black marker, and filled out correctly for the most part. The book order was not processed and Kaleb's teacher sent the check back home with Kaleb, who was sentenced to losing his money and writing "I will not steal" 100 times. It is unknown at this time if there will be further punishment.

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Of course this was not actually published in any local papers, just on my blog for all the world to see. My son...gotta love him. I'd love to say I was surprised by the above story which is completely true. But I was not surprised. It was SO like him. He told the teacher I wrote the check. She told him that she had a sample of my handwriting and when she told him she could show him he immediately changed his story. Here is how the conversation then went:

Kaleb - My sister Abbey wrote it.

Teacher - Abbey's in Kindergarten right?

Kaleb - Yes.

Teacher - Kindergarteners don't know how to write checks.

Kaleb - Well she's really smart.

Ahh...nice Kaleb. We have finally taken steps towards trying to figure out how we can make our home more peaceful. Kaleb and I went to see a child psychologist Monday night and will go again tomorrow. He seems to enjoy going actually and he was given a little homework assignment, as was I. I am hoping though that I can find a good psychologist closer to our home because I am taking him out to Kirkwood right now and it's a bit much to drive home from the Kirkwood area just to drive back out there a couple of hours later.

I've been intending to get on here and write for some time now-I know I went a long time without doing it. A lot has happened. I've been back on medication since February 4th, and this time was prescribed Xanax (in addition to my Wellbutrin) to help with the anxiety/panic attacks I have been having. It has helped quite a bit. The doctor recommended using it to help me sleep too and it has helped some. Though it is not helping me stay asleep during the night. I have kept a log of when I have taken it, how many, how it affected me, etc...I will be printing that off and taking it back to the doctor when I go back in a week and a half. It was a good decision to get back on medication. I am feeling so much better and enjoying life.

Kris and I celebrated 11 years together (not married) yesterday. Our first date was on Valentine's Day 11 years ago. We had a great time together-the best day we've had together in a very long time. We got to see "He Just Not That into You" last night and I thought it was a great movie. Much better than "New in Town" which was ok, but I just can't stand Renee Zellweger. Today we are surprising the kids with a family date. The $1 theatre out here is showing "Tale of Despereaux" and when we get home (our friend Faith watched the kids overnight so we are at a hotel) we are going to tell the kids to shower and get all dressed up so we can go out. Then we are going to take them to see the movie. I think it will be fun.

I have more to say, pictures to post, etc...but Kris is wanting to go and get breakfast so I must join him.