Laughter

It's always good to laugh.  I needed a good laugh tonight.  Today was a really discouraging day.  On so many different levels in different areas of my life.  But I got a small glimmer of joy at the end of the day.  When Kris put the kids in bed!  ;-)

But before that...

Abbey came out to tattle on Olivia (who keep in mind is only 5).  Abbey was upset because Livvy told her that when she died she wasn't going to be with Jesus.  This of course crushes Abbey's little 8 year old heart because Abbey wants nothing more than to spend her entire life on earth and after she dies with Jesus.  So, of course, she was not happy with Olivia telling her that she wasn't going to be with Jesus.

So I asked Olivia why she said that.  And she explained to me that she WOULD be with Jesus, until she came back to earth as an animal.  WHOA kid...back up a minute?  Could you please repeat that?  Who told you that when you die you will come back as an animal?  She just shrugged.  I'm really wondering what Buddhist befriended my 5 year old and told her that when she dies she will come back to earth as an animal.

Each night before bed, Kris reads a portion of Scripture to the kids, and they each say what their favorite part was.  I don't know how many verses Kris read tonight but Psalm 137:9 is the verse that Livvy said was her favorite.  It reads as follows:

"Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks."

That girl is CRAZY.  Whenever she and Abbey play together, they are always pretending the parents are dead or someone dies.  What is their fascination with death???

Happy Father's Day

I'm sure bloggers around the world are posting incredible blogs with heartfelt tributes to their fathers.  I thought I'd be cliche and do the same thing, though this is more heartfelt than incredible!

I was blessed to grow up with a father.  He was always a constant.  While he may have worked a lot to make sure our family was WELL provided for, he was always there.  In the ways that counted.  I have memories of time spent with my dad that, to this day, make me smile.  Watching Matlock and the A-Team with him.  And Knight Rider.  And James Bond movies.  And the Rocky movies.  I have a love for Rocky movies, because of memories of watching them with my dad.  I don't care how cheesy some of them were, or how the later few weren't people's favorites...I love ALL 5 of them, because I remember watching them with my dad.  I remember sharing his almost burnt Red Baron's pizzas, minus the red pepper flakes.  Or WITH, on the rare occasion he would dare me to eat them and reward me with money if I actually did it!  ;-)  I have memories of him using pliers to remove toothpicks from my bare feet, which always seemed attracted to said toothpicks, that I'm pretty sure were unknowingly discarded onto the floor...by him.  I remember my dad constantly aggravating our dog Babe.  And this amuses me.  I don't know why.  Maybe it was the look of joy on his face, the sheer pleasure of annoying the dog.  It's the same look any father gets with any child they are trying to irritate, which is pretty much a dad thing.  One of my favorite memories, and I think my sister would agree, was when he was remodeling what used to be our back porch.  And Jenny and I were home and he would chant these silly cheers with our names in them, that always used to make us laugh.  We recorded him once.  On a tape recorder about the size of shoe box.  Do they still make those?  ;-)  Good thing for you dad that we don't still have those tapes because in this day of all things media...it could have been very embarrassing for you!  I love you dad, and I hope that you have a great Father's Day, and that you got the card that I actually remembered to send, probably for the first time in who knows how many years!

And then there is my husband.  The best model of a father for my children.  In all my ups and downs, Kris has been a constant for the kids.  When I couldn't be there, emotionally, he was.  He could have turned and run at the first onset of my crazy.  But he didn't.  He stayed, likely for the children!  So they didn't grow up scarred by BOTH parents.  I'm only kind of kidding.  I'm sure he will scold me upon reading that.  But that man...who grew up without a father that was consistently active in his life, turned out to be the world's greatest dad to our four children.  He loves those kids with such passion and fierceness and it is remarkable in this day and age for children to grow up with the love and protection that he provides.  My family is blessed to have him, as he attempts to lead us the way God has called him to.  He may stumble and fall sometimes, but there is not a single person who can say that he isn't the most generous and loving father to his children!!  Both with his affection and time.  Thank you Kris, for all that you do for this family.

Another weekend

Unlike last weekend, our plans are somewhat laid back this stormy Father's Day weekend.  I'm up earlier than usual.  Especially for a weekend.  I don't even get up this early during the week!  Huge thunderstorms have been rolling through St. Louis and this morning was no exception!!  So my friend Faith and I spent an hour playing bridge online this morning...because we're geeks...and that's what we do, and the stupid storm had us both up at 6am.  But mostly because we're geeks.

I looking forward to my last massage today (because we cancelled my membership so we could pay for the Y), and then get to hang out with some pretty cool people, including my "bestest" girlfriend Jennifer, who moved to a galaxy far, far away from me (OK, so only 3 hours but whatever...).  I'm thankful, as I have said before, that she is in my life and that we connect on so many different levels.  Really looking forward to hanging out with her.  And Harry and Tara, if you're reading this, I'm excited about seeing you guys again too!  Though Harry, I may ignore you as payback...

We are going out to St. James tomorrow to surprise Kris' dad for Father's Day...and HOPEFULLY will be back in time to play bridge tomorrow night!  Again...because we're geeks.  And because it's pretty much the best card game ever and anyone who wants to make fun of me for that and this long run on sentence can just shut up...

I am hoping that next week isn't so chaotic and maybe I'll have more time to write.  I've been frenzied this past week...mentally and physically.  All over the place, and fighting a UTI since May 23!  Finally on a crazy strong antibiotic and for the first time in weeks feel better!  And the doctor is trying to find out which bacteria keeps causing these so that hopefully we can figure out a treatment plan.  In the meantime...she's put me on two probiotics, cranberry supplements and a digestive enzyme...

Uh oh...I hear one of the children up...it literally pains me that I've been up for an hour and a half  while all the children sleep.  I guess it is bittersweet...because at least they didn't all wake up with the thunder!!  Kaleb is now up and asked what he could do.  I told him he could go downstairs, or clean but it was too dark.  Then I said "You have two options."  And he responded with "Actually that's only one option."  I started to argue then realized he was right.  I very clearly said it was too dark to clean!  Smart aleck.  He chose to go downstairs and I am now debating between trying to go back to sleep and doing some work I know I should get around to...

Weekend Getaway

We're in Indiana for the weekend, visiting my parents and going to family reunion.  All the cousins will get to play together, and that is always nice!  They get so excited to see each other.

The drive in was horrendous perfect. We left an hour and a half later than anticipated due to unforeseen circumstances at the EXACT time we planned to. Torrential downpours/blinding rain and fog for FOUR hours. Clear, sunny skies the whole way.  Construction had all but one lane closed part of the way. All lanes were open, as there was no construction. The kids were absolutely INSANE-hyper, loud, crazy perfect little angels.  I didn't have to take any but two to start, then another later, after I bit all my nails off Xanax because everything was just splendid.

Hopefully the drive back will be MUCH better!!

The best part of the day was Abbey singing a new song she wrote called "Help Jesus Help", and taking first place in the talent contest!!  I'll post the video and lyrics later tomorrow hopefully!

Unthinkable.

That is the word that comes to mind when I think about what my life would be like if I had never had kids.  Of course I HAD to choose this writing prompt.  I can't just let it pass me by...

You know, because I don't like my kids.  Or so some people think.  Because they don't understand sarcasm.  And because they don't really know me.  Or the demons I face on a daily basis.

But I think my answer might surprise you.  Or, if you know me well, it won't.

Quite honestly...I truly believe I might be dead.

Morbid?  Maybe.  A little.

OK...

...a lot.

Children change your entire outlook on life.

I don't remember battling depression BEFORE I had kids.  But I think that without the kids, at some point, I still would have wound up in the cyclical clutches of depression.  I think having children just kick-started what very well may be a lifetime battle for me.

I had my kids young.  Too young most people would say.  And I had a lot of kids.  Too close together.  It's next to impossible to have 3 children in 2 years and 5 days (without them being multiples), and yet somehow...I did it.

I got married when I was 20.  I had my first, second, and third child at ages 21, 22, and 23.  I missed out on a lot.  I missed out on traveling with my husband to all the places I've always wanted to go.  I took for granted the year and a half we had married, without kids.  The spontaneity.  The freedom.  The QUIET.  It was easier to just get up and go somewhere before kids.  Once you have one kid, you have to factor in one extra hour to prepare for any trip, even if it is just down the road to fill up your tank!

Having four kids?  That's right...four extra hours.  And then you have to factor in the screaming and fighting all the way to Indiana (a four hour drive) to see my parents.  Even the 12 minute drive to and from the kids' school is a nightmare for me.  Bedtime is a nightmare.  So many aspects of having kids pushes me to my breaking point.  On some occasions OVER my breaking point.

In some of my worst moments, when all I could think about was a way to die (yeah...I just admitted that...), the ONLY thing that kept me from making that a reality was the thought of leaving my children without a mother; that and the fact that I am terrified of pain and there are few ways to die without pain. While sometimes I feel like my children deserve a better mother than I am, and while I truly believe my husband is the best father in the world, no kid should grow up without a mother.  And it was the children that kept me going (that KEEP me going), in my darkest hours.  When I was up late at night Googling painless ways to die, or thinking about driving off the side of the road into a wall at 100 miles per hour, the children were there.  In the back of my mind.  Keeping me alive.  Forcing me to hold on.

Children are a blessing from the Lord.  They truly are.  Even the annoying ones.  :-)  And while it pains me that some women have to go through life not knowing how it feels to give birth and to see that baby for the first time, there are those of us out there who literally could not survive the pressures and stress of day to day life without children.  Children gives us a purpose.  Something to fight for.  Something to live for.  God gave me those four treasures to remind me that when I can't feel His love, I have a reason to be alive. I have a purpose.  I cannot leave those babies without a mother.

So there is no world, no life, in which I would change a thing.  It's unthinkable.

Poor Abbey!

Apparently everyone but me was aware that, over the last 5 days, my 8 year old's hands have looked like this:

My first thought was "Oh my gosh they're going to have to amputate her hands!".  Because that is how my crazy mind works.  Always thinking in worst case scenario, even though I know I'm overreacting.  Drama, drama, drama.  It's highly unrealistic...but the red to white contrast really freaked me out!  As soon as I saw it, being the intuitive mother that I am (no one has intuition like a mother), I called the doctor and they said they could see us at 4pm.

I took her and they escorted us through the back door; you know, so she didn't infect anyone...just in case.  I hadn't gone through that back door since my babies were...well, babies!  Essentially, her eczema got out of control and became infected. The doctor said she has staph strep and she is now on a very strong antibiotic and has this long list of ridiculous things that we will have to do on a regular, daily basis, some things several times per day.  But, good news:  no amputations!

Once the infection is under control, we can treat the eczema.  I may consider taking her to a dermatologist once it has cleared up, to get a more specified plan for caring for her skin; since Livvy has eczema too we could use all the knowledge we can get!

Poor baby.  I can't wait until her hands clear up.  One of her blisters burst and she held up her hand (which grosses me out) and said (VERY EXCITED) "One of the bubbles popped!"  I told her to go show "daddy" because it kinda creeped me out and she said "They're so ugly."  So funny.  Poor kid is all about being beautiful inside, but especially OUT, and so I am sure that her hands make her very self-conscious.  But the doctor said the antibiotic should clear it up in a few days so hopefully she won't scare anyone (but me) away with her weird, NON-contagious hands.  The doctor said we really should take a sterile needle while she is asleep and burst open those puss-filled blisters.  Yeah...that is so NOT happening!  Everything else...I'll try my best.  But NOT that.  Gross...

The End

All good things must come to an end.  Isn't that how the English proverb goes?

Sometimes, with endings, there is sadness.  Unless we're talking about the end of summer break when the kids FINALLY go back to school (not that I'm counting-just over 2 months!).

So, that being said, I am sad today.  "Why?" you ask?  Because something is coming to an end.  Something I cannot control.  Something I do not want to end.  Something that has been a source of great enjoyment and hours of living in another reality for me.

I am talking about The Wheel of Time Series.  Specifically book 13, Towers of Midnight.  Robert Jordan began the series and wrote the first 11 books before he died.  He had scripted out a lot of final book, which he intended to be one huge volume, but they are now breaking it into 3 different books.  Kris and I have been listening avidly to the entire series and books 12 and 13, finalized by Brandon Sanderson, using Jordan's notes.  From interviews with Sanderson, the final scene/ending was already written and it will be in the final book as it was written by Jordan, before his death.

What is sad is that there is about an hour and a half left in book 13.  And book 14 won't even be released in print until at least March 2012.  Which means it won't make it to Audible until after that.  So, in the next day or two, we will finish Towers of Midnight and have to wait almost a year to finally finish the series.  I can't even begin to think about the sadness that will consume me once the entire series ends.  *sigh*  It is by far the best series I have ever 'read'.  I highly recommend these books.  You will NOT be disappointed!  Unless you hate reading, and then that is just sad too.  :-)

I have a confession...

It's been one week since my last blog post.

I have another confession.

I still have a mustache.  :-(  I'm working on it though.  Monday I had my third laser hair removal treatment.  I can say that after the first two treatments the hair still came back but not as much and not as quickly.  They said that sometimes you won't really notice a real difference until after the third treatment.  So I will be watching closely.  I got back again in July; I have three more treatments.  Here's to hoping I can take that next step towards looking like a woman!

Speaking of looking like a woman...

I have another confession.

I wore a dress Sunday night.  And heels.  Though my dear perfectionist friend Jennifer decided to point out that they were technically sandals, but since they do indeed have heels, I can call them whatever I want!  Kris and I celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary on Sunday.  We slept in (after staying up until 3am the morning before watching Dinner for Schmucks-which I liked), and then we went to see Something Borrowed.  I loved it.  It was funny!  A different story and ending than I expected.  After that, we went to The Melting Pot, which of course was delicious!  Then we rounded off the evening with about an hour of playing bridge.  We actually competed in the Worldwide Bridge Contest on Friday and Saturday.  Both days we ranked in the 3000's out of 5000 people, WORLDWIDE.  I'll take it!  We didn't earn any Master Points, but we had fun and met some great new (or old...ha ha ha...) people.

Here are some pictures from our anniversary on Sunday, to prove I wore a dress and what I call "heels".

See...A DRESS!!  WITH jewelry!  And makeup.  The transition is almost complete...just have to get rid of the mustache.

Sexy right?

Oh, I suppose I'll post a picture of both of us...

A new phase in life?

Things are changing.  In a good way.  At least temporarily.

I begged and pleaded with Kris that if we were going to take a pay cut that he let ME absorb it and drop my hours/salary at work.  I could work less hours at our company, work more on my side business that I can't mention in my blog (which is going REALLY well by the way!!) and spend more time with the kids.  What?  Me wanting to spend more time with them?  Well, yeah.  It's true.  I'm tired of feeling so rushed and like life is so chaotic we would just pick them up, eat dinner and put them in bed.  So, I am now off on Wednesdays!  :-)  And my other days will average about 7 hours and at least the pay cut will have some sort of benefit!  I'm pretty excited about it.  I love that I have that flexibility and my hope is that as business picks up (PLEASE GOD!), that instead of me having to shift back to full-time we will be in a position where someone else can take my place.  Kris doesn't want to lose me as an employee (I'm pretty valuable) but I don't want to be doing this day job long term.  So, that's the hope.  Time will tell.  But for now, I'm looking forward to this short-term-for-now change!